The Risible Man

A short story collection where the framework revolves through a secondary narrating character who, in finding a secret entrance behind a therapy center, he listens to a series of psychotherapy sessions.

Salt N' Pepa

Black and grey hair is more attractive on guys than girls.

Would you rather marry fuck kill

If you had to marry someone with a disability, which one would you choose? good... bad... One leg... half as many shoes... how far up does it go? Does the pussy still work? Blind... you don't have to groom. you don't have to dress up, you don't need to dust... you have to do her makeup, she can get drunk anywhere because no one expects her to walk straight or drive Deaf... you always get to choose the radio station, you can curse at her behind her back... the noises she makes during sex make you lose your erection Sociopath... Autism... Marry fuck kill one leg blind deaf explain the logic for one simple/absurd decision in open form on stage

Iced

Using the term penalty seems light for being used in the term death penalty?
"Mark was high sticking so they put him in the death-penalty box."

pegboard walls

Big Brother in the High Castle

Calling someone who is Chinese, "Japanese" will be worse than calling someone who is Jewish a "Nazi" onec the Chinese take control of the media from the Jews

are burka's more oppressive than western standards of physical beauty. There aren't nearly as many who are saying "oh no! no one can see how beautiful I am under this dress that hides all my features more like "thank god no one can tell what an ugly son of a bitch i am under all this shit."

Spinnin Money

"During its heyday, Pablo Escobar's drug cartel spent $2,500 per month on rubber bands for bricks of cash."

turd

the easiest time to lie to someone is when you first meet them (teach people how to be caustious of first impressions)

if you have insessantly distractin noisy neighbors, build insulation.

a comedian is the type of person who in real life will make the joke even if it hurts their side of the argument

subtle entendre

subtle entendre

mo money mo problems is only true because if you don't have money your only problem is that you need money. once that is satisfied you have to move up maslow's hierarchy to the multitudes of existential problems.

"There are no differences but differences of degree between different degrees of difference and no difference." william james

Album name, hidden in infinity.

try a set only asking the audience questions making assumptions about their answers direction

agreeing is boring i dont like it when people agree with me, ill switch sides just because i refuse to preach to the chior

i like interrupting diatribes, because i like to undercut premises

i don't pay taxes, because i don't negotiate with those who don't negotiate with terrorists

sax players look like they are good dancers but if you take away the sax part they look ridiculous

walk barefoot at night in the city to train confidance in vulnerability

one does not hide in the shadows with confidence

what are questions that can immediatly open, to me, an origional interesting conversation, that the other person wouldn't feel too out of their own wheelhouse and is intersting to them

cosby conducting

to all my friends on shore cosby soundtrack

"life before death on stage"

Plosives

The present pressence of the presidnnt presents a pleasent  present to the peasents

Press

The present presents a present(gift) of presence. Pressicience

Ambulance written backward thinks its clever, but does it need to be there at all. Before that they were getting confused with ice cream trucks. "that ice cream truck sure is driving aggressive, and what's that new song the're playing? I liked it better when they played camp-town ladies. Now wait a second, "looks in rear view mirror"

nickel what!?

cannonball

is it cannibalism if you eat something that just ate your friend

nigh

a nihilist at night is the perfect location. not on a scale of light to dark, but the absense of light, we think of the sun as the grand illuminator but in fact coulds our vision of the limitlessness of the stars and the cosmic perspective of how insinifcat we are feeds the nightlists mind and as a constant reminder above the horizon.

calm to fear

capture the flag at night miscommunication fleeting chased. safe makes turn to harm then makes hard turn back to harmless

tim buck

i adopted two boys from timbucktu, it cost me ten bucks for the two of them, they are both named tim and my last name is buck so to not get mixed up i caal the older one tim buck one and the older one tim buck also (repeat with variations never hitting the timbuck too or two line) -

juneau 2

1 down alaska capital=juneau 1 across michael cera's knocked up= juno 2 down rick ross date rape=uoeno

ask people how many kids mlk had to see if they really know mlk's i had a dream speech (it is the very next word after the most well know "i had a dream") (I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.)

a sarcastic tone for longer phrases: talk in the cadence you would to a baby.

i went to a therapist, that shit is bullshit, she's all like,"hey you know that thing you're doing? that thing that's bad, how bout we try not doin that ok? How's that sound" and i'm like "Oh! ya know I never thought about it that way. It never even crossed my mind, that thing I do, the bad thing, its bad for me. I never thought of it that way before. "

How would you create an association to lobby against excessive divorse settlements
The funding and membership would be easy. Members would have solidarity and focus. Design like nra.

Why are prisons not considered a cruel punishment?

when you lose an audience with the premise, instead of retreating go deeper

You can probably tell by how comfortable i look that I spent a lot of time on sage, as day trader on the herbal market. Im gonna make a killing when it turns from to  season to  season

Sometimes i like to whisper the end of my jokes so when only a few people are laughing it sounds like they are laughing extra hard.

the underdog polo story, a movie of the first black polo player

how was classical music so complex, there could be very limited avid listeners before music could be recorded

you never hear whistling anymore because music is ubiquitous, back in the day if you wanted to listen to music while you were out you had to be able to perform it and know all the parts

You know how back in the day people when it rained they used to think it was the gods crying and now we look back on them folk who  simple and figure out but isn't the concept of god moret  difficult than understanding the water cycle i mean Im pretty sure its three steps and Im pretty sure i could figure out that the lake gets lower when its hot out  and it rains when there's clouds on the sky... understanding god is like, 6 steps, at least

Commercial from the perspective of an illegal Mexican who is pained that he can pay taxes because the immigration office is a bottleneck. Please let me pay taxes to help pay my keep for the great services that make American great

Sitcom about Dr vinnie boombats

You ever be talking and all of a sudden you realize you about to say a word that you don't really know what it means but maybe you head somebody say it in line at the grocery store and...
and if you ain't quick enough you ether gamble and hope your instincts were right or you stand there looking dumb cause you takin a minute to get a word out you be like i was walking to the ... Char.. Del.. Meat store.

Make one word that represents every stereotype, niggers, Jew, retard, gay, white trash,  douchebags, Asian, cuts fuck faces assholes and ducks. What if we made one word for all of the "bad words" cause they all pretty much mean that anyway. Just have one word that means bad so i don't have to look at your hair or your skin or your crotch but i can still say that you belong to a specific group of people and that group of people is bad. So which word did i decide to choose, to represent all of the bad we see in others. How about human. How about instead of saying you throw like a girl say you throw like a human (in this set always undersell the first part and overseas the second with progressive over acting untill  crescendo as though all of sipite and malice was pouring out of a pinhole of pandoras box, but at final punch own up to acting deficiencies of inability to capture true moment, then overseas as much as possible ) or instead of hey retard quit hitting yourself, hey human quit hitting yourself you human (spit), or that guy sitting on his porch in Kentucky with a shot gun on his lap and no body around for miles in every direction, just getting more and more afraid of every thing that you are not. Rocking in that chair and instead of saying (deadpan) is that chinamen behind that tree. He can say, is that a human behind that tree. Because isn't that what we are really afraid of when we feel defensive and have to attack with a bad word, maybe with this new word we will be able to better see that what we despise seeing in others we are just afraid that person could be you

John Wayne newton impression

281 330 8004

281 330 8004 mike jones is this generation's tommy tutone

borges

http://wtf.tw/ref/borges.html

Imma cut to the chase. After i blaze and blow a puff in your face, such a disgrace
I ain't even started yet and Im winning the race Im beginning to taste

Cut to chase then cut back to chase flashback/foreword to chase

Name

Show where every body tries to convince someone that he ate something with acid on accident and his come up is on its way

Power=opportunity ability
Brought through money, creativity 48

car crash= cock rash

I saw a homeless guy on the street asking for change. and I wanted to help him out but I couldn't break a hundred

I went to the movies. they had a sign that said "no outside food" so i left my picnic basket in the car

rip

sometimes i get rip taylor mixed up with rip torn

mix and match each set of lyrics with each beat. Turns 10 songs into 55. When pressing album distribute only 10 songs but make it a random 10 including each beat and each lyrics. This increases collectilibility intrigue and the more limited editions will be more desireable.

If on stage and someone is getting accuse them of being addicted but approach it overly sympathetically          Im sorry you have lost so much of your brain and placed it in that device

sometimes when i see a cute dog i offer to buy it. They never say ok and i feel it makes them love the dog all the more. then I tell them that he's a mirror image of a dog i had who died. I try to offer progressive sums to where they say yes. Then i snap out of character and tell them that the sum is how much their love is worth. Then I walk away.

Is there anything scarier, than a little kid, with a big stick. Just swinging it around with careless abandonment completely unaware of the laws of cintripital motion. I saw a four year old kid break a stick as thick as my thumb; against a tree that he didn't even see. )

russel brand as tiny tim

Elijah wood  dresses like a dressed down Mr rodgers

a rediculous ringtone "todd glass jingle with a persons name in it" style goes off and everybody checks thier phones, someone answers, it goes off again, everyone checks and then someone elses answers.

Old news, news for old people

instead of listing positive references, as a comedian, list places that you were condemned from

where did you meet?

act extremely precosious and gaurded when confronted with the dilemma of telling the crowd where you met your girlfirend, possibly hinting towards online, you actually met her at the dump she was driving a garbage truck

characters are more interesting/unique/relatable when they have disperate characteristics

Todd glass is, "fun dad"

radio show where they take and set up callers but only give one word answers then hang up and move on

freebird

i ran a all request radio station but everyone who called in asked for freebird. it ran at low cost, we only had to buy one album. i sold the company for 50 milllion dollars its now the third biggest radio station in the rust belt

Jack Horkheimer

Bit about people who are addicted to cell phones are just trapped within a reputation of punctual responses

Im sexist. But only physically. I think we are genetically the same mentally

how come newspapers never have the answers to the questions i want to know. the headline of the article is () i wanna know () and the go off on a diatribe on ()

honesty segment similar to norm and the horse. When are the most frequent lies and why do we do it?

kid grocery

taking kid to grocery store. when at store with kids you can seem like a culinary genius because your kid doestn't realize everything is labeled

Greg props is pewee human meets Dennis miller

Do you ever wish sometimes, that dragonflies could breath fire

When child calls someone fat or ugly its innocuous that you lose when you get older and pure fact is clouded by judgement. Somehow the child comment hurts more despite the lack of malicious intent because it is pure truth that cuts to the core

two dumb guys having a serious discussion trying to figure out what the dogs playing poker were talking about satarizing conversations in pretentious art galleries.

The purpose of pain is toredirect and focus your brains attention towards recovering a malady

nuremberg

what is the biggest crime you could forgive yourself for?

a measure of abstractness. could you describe it to a dog?

the mother of invention

why didn't a slave invent the cotton gin

funeral dirge

howlin wolf "goin down" great dirge

The problem with dating is that the ideal mate is the person who evokes the strongest positive emotion within you. Smile, come in your pants. But someone who has that emotion power over you in the positive direction also has it in the negative direction. Whenever you see an ex its like the opposite of coming in your past

hologram elvis on tour

borat meets rodney dangerfield

Movie

Movie about world with only men. Or a movie where everybody is the same person so i can act every role like a Eddie Murphy/john malkovitch he sees everything he hates about himself, then everything he loves about himself. (modest mouse centered soundtrack, doors,

wasnt me

shaggy stole from eddie murphy, "wasnt me"

to read music turn script sideways like a muslim

come out on stage like eddie murphy in leather and lights, but then tell jokes like stephen wright. (what would this characters name be?)

questions for comedians. Which stand up specials were especially significant?

i need to learn sean's more reasonable uninhibited qualities

disgust is an over ratted emotion, I try to never feel or express it. ask joe rogan how he feels about the emotion of disgust.

"instead of yo i heard dat" "yo i seen dat" "yo i felt that dat" "yo i smelled dat" "yo i tasted that"

why don't we just have our students read the common core requirements. All we would have to teach them is how to decipher this educational jargon, and the rest is laid out so straightforward that im sure they could figure it out. Or, if you want to still spread it out over a year, just have one day dedicated to each standard. (connect to next post)

when teaching the more layers of meaning and significance you can layer the stronger each moment is. You might have things that are significant on the scale of the whole year, and some that are only significant day to day. Therefore it would be optimally significant (and flexible) to move away from the daily significance toward the annual.

comprehensive lesson for kids. have them attempt to create their own language, steared through socratic method. provides different perspective.

A=B=C=D

what is the optimal ratio for a grade differential. Is it a normal distribution?

socratic language

have to make language like english, in class, and for homework make languge that does not conform to english standards. can customize requrements for individual students with greater range by not creating a cieling. being able to identify the wrong ansers is a skill sometimes more valuable than finding the write ones becaus ehter is only one right answer and infinate incorrect

Im as depressed as a bald wolly mammoth

2 year old interview style. After initial question ask why until end of interview/p>

Todd glass is a modern janus

will james talks to teachers on psychology is my gospel

Tantrums at school vs home

How people act different in different environments eg some and school. Eg defiance levels, confidence what humiliates us

I read the 48 laws of power 48*48 times.

I road from my house here on a unicycle. Actually that's technically not true, i road a third of the way here on a unicycle then half way here on a bicycle and then on my unicycle i road back the way i came 5/12 of the way turned around and road the rest of the way to this stage. That's doesn't sound like a good joke because the people who enjoy it are too busy checking my math. That's why no one was laughing

Comedian who fits through niche pandering in a hopeless attempt to discover his current audience

i got married by an andy kauffman elvis impersenater

todd glass album

todd glass should put out a album that is all todd glass parodies of songs

tragic flaw

a character who can only fall in love with the terminally ill, a tragic flaw

bicken back

gay bar joke replace taxes with affectation of specific audience member, segue into bit about fear of following signs of unknown culture, like learning about crips and bloods

antiracist

character who is a racist but has the exact opposite of conventional stereotypes. complain about the generosity of jewish people. Had dinner with a black guy and a jew and we paid seperate, so i had to tip 35% just so I dndn't look stingy. I went to brazil and ot schooled at basketball, they were all dunking on me, im talkin like 20% of basekts were ally-oops. I walked into a gay bar and everyone was doing their taxes.

Marie antionette

The other day i was trying to make a sandwich but i was out of bread so i took marie antoinet’s advice and I used cake instead. I'm not going back. You'll know what I'm talking about after you've had a nice salami sandwich between two slices of chocolate cake. Yesterday i had a tuna on funfetti. They say an apple pie without some cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze but add some turkey and you start to understand American pie from a different perspective

Hypothetically if you were to guess a woman's weight is it better to guess under or over. Cause if you guess under its like, oh i didn't think you were a fat pig but now that i have this new information  i guess you are. But if you guess over its like; oh i thought you were a fat pig. Oh your not oh my mistake i thought you looked like a fat pig but i guess that's just how you look. Don't worry you look way fatter than you really are.

ask little kids what they think about big issues for a unique limited perspective, hosted at neighborhood park/playground

teachers with eyes in the back of their head

how would a school child experience paranoia

Man burka

Proposition to men: unite and create law that all men are required to wear full burkas all the time. This would increase our sexual allure and shift the balance of power

Christian comedy is an open market, also business

12 angry men/expendables

movie like expendables but with all old tough silent guy actors, philip baker hall, rip torn, clint eastwood, christopher walken, sean connery, robert duvall, gene hackman, tommy lee jones, denzel washington, nick cage,

Old guy actor as child actors

dog seat

what would be the most ergonomic car seat for a dog

TOpic to expand: the way dads hide ignorance from their children, what is the most responsible perspective? give an example of action for dads

i tried to get into nursing but I guess there's more to it than just sucking on tits

memory

how many people here have farted today? What? You don't remember?

My stand us style should be the most different basis tangents I can pull. Be know for quick disperate perspectives

I don't understand how people can have a child before they experience their own personal existential crisis.

I want to make a stand up special with cuts to an audience not laughing

stanford prison

if you could prove that the prison system is inherently cruel(exe zimbardo), how would our justice system be forced to change?

if i had $1,000,000

inspire different high class brand than current rap schemas. exe rolls to a austin martin (define next level personalized swag, how I would flaunt money) go to nebighorhood and buy shit for kids etc.) chorus involves being rich but showing extreme flashes of subtly, matching video

7

7 deadly sins 7 song album providing empathitic perspective to those who have fallen to wicked deeds revealing forgivness is always possible

the internets taking away all our good streetcorner bootlegging jobs

Why don't we design book covers that allow us to judge books, at least on a basic level like age or genra.

If you could be stuck as one age forever, which would you choose?

Eugene v debbs

As long as there is a a lower class I am in it as long as there is a criminal element I am of it as long as there's a soul in prison I am NOT free

visible for a second

as i walk through the city i am invisible, crossing pathe of thousands and insantly forgotten, invisible two seconds ago

juneau?

dumb italian trying to solve a crossword puzzle at a bar? Yo, the capital of alaska who knows it? Juneau? Juneau? Juneau, the capitol of Alaska. He buddy, Juneau, juneau? The capitol of Alaska! come on, who knows it. ok, starts with a j, its got (count on fingers) 6 letters, starts with a j, juneau, juneau, come one someone's gotta know this we aint all dumb guys over here, juneau? (continue until every person has been asked)

white male

Im a racist, im also a sexist, which basically means im a white male. You know how children don't know not to point at people and call them fat or stare at a chick with big tits. being a man is like being a child. have you ever seen a guy on the street do a catcall. (example) and how does the girl respond, (you sexist pig!). and she's right but what she doesn't understand is that every guy in the world is a sexist pig. Just like how we all have that inner child who wants to run around the candy store, every guy has a sexist inner child. But there's two ways to learn how to grow, punishment and reward. girls, have you ever not give a little something to your man as punishment for not doing something earlier in the day. You aren't changing who he is, you are just making him be what he's not.

sarah mclachlan

have you heard about the new sarah mclachlan commercials? the ones that try to get you to donate money by sing a sad song an showing pictures of abused animals? well it looks like she extended her efforts to now include abused women, its a combo charity, pictures of dogs and women who were abused.

peanuts

i have a packing peanut allery, I can't use anything that has been shipped.

more land

Problems with the world's design if supposed to be built for humans: too much water. I mean 75% here's an idea, how about more land!? and none of that ice shit up north either that doesn't count, im talkin throw an extra couple islands in the bahamas.

i believe in...

I believe in god, just not the god that any of you fools are buying into

why don't they make food that's good for you taste good, where did those evolutionary channels cross paths?

cursed that all of your dreams come true

rediculous king perspectve. exe. if they don't have bread then why don't they just eat cake?

fly wars

a short story that starts off like the metamorphisis but after becoming a fly, use superio intellect to incite rebellion.

adam sandler

make a website called awesomeo.com that is a random movie plot idea always involving adam sandler.

a short story that starts off like the metamorphisis

my favorite song in the world used to be the ice cream truck, but then one time i met a guy who told me that was his job for 4 years and now he doesn't have a summer memory without it playing in the background so now i have mixed feelings about a song that use to symbolize pure goodness

what is the ignorant perspective? -saying no is an excuse to remain ignorant

do you like good food? you do? darn it, i had a bet going, i thought you liked bad food. like good news for people who like bad news

what would heaven actually have to be for you to be able to enjoy it forever, it would require you to not maintaion a constant perspective

you have to be able to sympathize with the people you hate, cause when you understand someone's motivation its easy to see yourself making the same mistakes.

(racist bit about black women being the strongest race) black women are the reason slavery ended, if you saw lincoln, why did Tommy Lee fight so hard to get slaves free? Cause he had a black woman behind the scenes pulling the strings. Once they got that they still had to put all them weak white woman on their back to get universal sufferage

pop rocks

what's you favorite candy -crowd work based on what candies are better than others similar to dinasour bit.

hunger

i'm sorry, am i making anyone hungry? Well that's ok, I'm making myself less hungry.

duh

in order to change my opinion i just need to hear my perspective reflected back to me by someone stupid and i immediatly begin to disagree.

grass

how much grass would you have to eat in proportion to different animals. What would be the most efficient digestional system? (Photosynehtis)

politeness

-it is not polite to know too much -is the middle ground present between all classes? -life goal, make philisophy polite to discuss -why are money religion and politics sterotypically impolite topis? (a tool of those on top to mantain opression)

memory

memory -accessed through motivation -semantic vs episodic relies on context -synsethetics have extra strong memories

smore core

smore core

what have you made with your hand that's paid you a grand

my favorite candy is pop rocks, more foods should have that effect.

stud

i think calling a girl a slut is equal to calling a guy a stud so its fine that i use it

no choke

what i wrote down flows louder than a smoke cloud, id choke but don't know how

hold up

I don't like asking people I've just met about their lives and who they are, lets just discuss random topics and see how you hold up in conversation before I decide to get emotionally invested in your life story

pro life

aborration- abortion

quarrels

we got quarrels

list of non linear diagnostic tools

umbilical

a character who never had his umbilical cord cut.

white guy born in india moves to us, gets telemarketing job, meets incredulity.

gay gang

i think gay guys should team up and start an inner city gang, they would strike a deep fear in all opposition. this was the unspoken underlying plot in the warriors, everyone dressed in costumes in disguise to pretend to be gay.

explain how learning to cook mexican food is like wax on wax off, you don't think you are learning shit but all of a sudden you know everything

armen

did you know that the most common guy's name in armenia is? Armen, that's like if the most common name in kentucky was kent, other examples

poor ringo

conversation topic, ringo's self esteem

i wanna hold your hand remix

Anthony Chalo

anthony davis is the new frida kahlo

uni cycle

stationary unicycle exercise for balance/core exercise

grand theft

I stole your car and it wasn't even grand theft

choices

make multiple slight variations of the same song over different beats to give the illusion of choice

no fatigue from pull ups

luca parmitano- "I do not fatigue from pulling up"

Guy gets xray glasses that work but still have that stupid swirl so its immediatly obvious to the audience but only gradually so to the girls he's around. We never see his perspective and eventually discover he was just faking

Shade glasses

Shade glasses for seeing in the dark

Rasmussen follow up questions for the street, poll 100 people and do jump cuts for reponsese where you ask them to reiterate the question

math stories with gruesome but removed deaths. exe. you are in a square room with four sheer walls on each side. Each wall is 4 Feet wide and and buried an undetermined distance below the dirt floor. How far down would the prisoner be able to dig in hopes to tunnel under the walls and what type of material would be necessary for which distances. (solution, stairs?) trick question, give an impossible number down to reach and have the solution be that there is no roof and you must build stairs to climb over the walls

if you think of christianity as thoughtfully constructed to help the masses, why is the most important lesson to forgive yourself (through christ)?

Dear abby

An advice column where the advice given is always the same, rediculous advice, set ups become increasingly reach so that advice stays pertinent

autodidact

i'm a self professed autodidact it sounds redundant but actually isn't

podcast idea

podcast that dissects jokes that tow the line of profanity

norm podcast

norm, its guest you have on who don't understand when you are doing a bit who are more interesting to talk to because you can towe the line so well

confidance

confident for rap ignorant confidance for comedy how to be confident (search inside)

Become the andy Kaufman of youtube by living disperite extreme moments that you instigated

Gary larson style comic Show clown inside of his  bosses office, boss is plain clothed. Caption reads "More Razzle less Dazzle

florida

flo rida is the black pit bull

Does the carpet ever match the curtains? Is there someone walking around with a head of hair that looks like pubes?

Does fertilizer go bad?
How would you know, either way it smells like shit similar to jim gaffigan bit on fish

gene wild

gene wilder in mr rodgers biopic, surrounded by incompetent production exploding in anger off scenes like christian bale

Daily show section "old news"

Save the bears

To save the polar bears we must eat them and market them as a delicacy

climbing parody

climber lingo parody as owen wilson

animal strip tease

blue footed booby dance porn, different animal dances

most common lies

examples of everyday lies

runnin fridge

you dont get wrong numbers anymore

make stand up video with cut scenes from buddy hacket days so jokes seem extra funny

im on the main foot path, put back from the remains of a train track

some minorities are bigger than others there are more gay people than white people

louie absurd

tickets to the ice capades coming out your nose make a sign for louie "long haired freaky people need not apply i eat everything chicago style yeah

classroom joke theme

jokes designed to improve model classroom or enlighten teaching styles

Rainbow

I make it rain, blow money

for what?

turn down for what spray paint extender

racist soccer

soccer is great because it gives you an excuse to be racist, "god damn ___"

optimal cardio exercise

what scale running investment is worth what lowered heart rate on 1 billion heart beat curve

poupon

grey poupon triumph insult comic dog, "this is a beautiful sandwich, for me to poupon!"

kazaam

kazaam wishes, ask shaq is the candy was real a genie has to grant the first and second wish with no tricks so that you don't become spiteful and hold on to the third

They say jesus died for our sins. What does that mean? If I don't sin did he die in vain? Its like all our sins he put on his tab. You'd feel like a jerk ordering as much as you can, but everyone else seems to be doing it.
It basically means that you can always be forgiven and past bad behavior does not doom you to repeat your actions.

I replaced the springs in my mattress with the springs from my trampoline, its a lot easier to jump out of bed in the morning.

Do you think loan sharks are lonely?  gary larson style comic showing the annual meeting of loan sharks and they are all sitting a considerable distance from one another

Knees

I went to the doctor to ask him to get rid of these strange bumps on my legs. He said those are your knees (read needs) I said its more of a request.

Sundial

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless your clock is a sundial.

The ancient Greeks invented the sundial, but how did they tell time at night?
They'd ask someone in china what time it was over there and add 12 hours

history major jokes

Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, until they give up and become philisophy majors

"Who gives a shit" test for audiences

sexism-racism

Equate racial separate but equal to sexual, having different bathrooms is wrong. "I had a dream that men and women shared the same bathroom"

grammy nominated

album of little girls singing nonsense songs

billion for boris horror movie

running theme opening

tv show that always begins in a classroom and decays into absurd fantastical daydreams

life over everything

equate why i am not vegan with why i am pro life

Opening line, "I love niggers. is that racist?"

Whenever I hear "9/11"u think the terrorists are winning

Down to georgia

The devil went down to georgia, so basically chatlie daniels is saying Georgia is below hell. Like it goes heaven earth hell, then Georgia

tywin lannister's story is the most kafkaesque since the bird himself

questions quwstons

im going around the country and i want to see how people feel, whats really on their mind, deeper than they go on most occasions except for a few second glimpses a day during the rare occurances that a real decision must be made

strong mentor

a dying man is a strong honest mentor character

strong mentor

a dying man is the best mentor

questions for anyone? what do i want to learn, what do i want to teach, how to do covertly or overtly

best things in life

list of best things in life: your kiss

euelogy poem

great eulogy poem the exequy by henry king

who played madea better, judith anderson or tyler perry

you know what my dad used to say

I want to become a father without a child, in order to do this i must assemble a life's worth of "you know what my dad always said" but for myself

learn ene wilder impression

gene wilder impression, mad gameshow host "you get nothing!"

infinite sequals

sequal to 3 men and a baby, 4 men and a baby, 5 men and a baby, 6 men and a baby. oceans 11 was actually the 10th sequel, matt daemon played the baby.

i don't believe i'm better than a criminal, just that i haven't encountered the same temptations (there but for the grace of god go i)

is prison slavery? a world where the punnishment for breaking the law is slavery to the person you harmed

eye for an eye

what kind of actions would be necessary for society to forgive each cardinal indiscretion. child murder, give one of your own children, your child isn't as good, go through the progressive discussion of what would make up indiscretion. how about what could make up for rape? theft is easier, (what about blasphemy (not to be confused with obscenity)the reason the church would accept money as pentance payment is that the discretion didn't actually harm anyone)

genie pranks

a story about the history of a prankster genie and how he tricked people who made poor wishes, exe if you could fly but your max speed was like 1 mph, wish for so much money that the currency goes bankrupt, good intentioned wishes like savin the rainforest or global warming or racism or overpopulation resulting in modest proposal type solutions exe magic carpet turns bald man into werewolf magician

very merry

tell every audience it's my birthday, or unbirthday, today instead of doing celebrity birthdays, celebrity unbirthdays

"thanks obama"

a collection of people playing the system who are no longer able and they all say "thanks obama" sarcaastically advertisment for democrats

southern insult

does this place serve biscuts? cause i feel like im lookin at a goddamn barrel full of crackers

yeah right!

i gotta learn an owen wilson impression https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGYGhAPlsVM

flag day

pitch a holiday movie for underappreciated holiday (this flag day)

Topic, what age should kids get their own computer?

Real life style action movie with a sword and sharpenrd staff in the jungle, fight realistic boa, jaguar, and gorilla

Giant lollypop case

compare having a pet to having a uncle tom slave cats are like field king perspective endorses both actions, uses n word, is activly racist

im bad at remembering names of actors in movies and it makes me seem like a racist

amazing race

an amazing race sketch where people on the street are slow and unhelpful, fred armisen

best and worst animals to be male or female

best seahorse (give birth) big fish (leech life) and worst bee (leech life more extreem, worker to reward ratioi, counter with ability to seee and enjoy flowers more than any person) kangaroo (pouch, counter with fighting story) animal to be the guy and girl, end with humans and where you think we lie inbetween

cheesecake factory

cheesecake factory is a success because cakes made with love had oversaturated the market

pitbull

pitbull always looks like an impersonator of himself. thats how he got famous, he can be in many places at once

business within silicon valley where everyone dresses like 30's gangsters all the time

ice prank

fill refrigerator ice machine with something other than ice exe cherries

non linear testing brainstorm

abstract nonlinear testing, et data from wrong answers, it the person guessing? did they make a common mistake? what was that mistake and what are the most common mistakes? break apart what each question is asking the greatest difficulty will be recognizin all the different kinds of mistakes. we want to identify gaps in knowledge rather than successes. more difficult questions with lower full success rate but encourage partial credit multiple choice make more questions with multiple parts but keep knowledge areas more discrete (not having answers build on one another) aptitude tests that also help to diagnoise psychological problems multiple choice math should be word bank instead?

custom ads

customize each podcast advertisement by directing it towards a very specific target market.

born sucker

there's a sucker born every minute so i stay away from hard candy cause im a vegan

comedy bits based on disliking a common comfort, exe. "does anyone else hate blankets?"

krakatoa

story of positive miracle held within larger well known disaster exe krakatoa saved a guy from going to jail.

Real survivor

survivor type show with military level professionals and extreme level contests. how far can a human be pushed

What is collusion?

are tariffs and minimum wage a form of collusion?

man is by nature gregarious he feels himself to be member of a herd, even when he is alone in his room with the curtains drawn. His mind retains the patterns which have been stamped on it by the group influences

i know what you're thinking

begin every sentence with, I know what you're thinking, exe. "I know what you're thinking, why, are banana's so slippery? Because thatas how it defends itself in the wild! Now I know what your' thinking, why isn't banana a color like orange? becasue lemons are the better fruit now i know what your thinking etc."

checkov

i don't wanna get a gun because i believe in checkov

Your adulation is isolating

"Vegas"

A Talk show that takes place in vegas so you can hear all the stories trapped in the city.

Sports anouncer character who is always paing attention to what the bench is doing

You know how the stereotype for stoners is watching tv lounging in a overplush couh, eatin nacos or some other garbage.
You know your  when you realize you've been watching tv from your kitchen cause you went to get food but now your stuck inbetween making sure your food doesn't catch on fire and you can still pay attention to shaq

When people "thank god" its metaphisical nature seems out of place next to frinds  family. "I'd like to thank divine interruption,"

Wood brim hat. Sat Essay prompt. What is clutch?
Apply spaghetti theory to standardized testing.

Virginia wolf style stand up based on a spot on the wall= paul f tompkins

whats the best flavor of popsicle, right answer orange, wrong, "purple" you know why, cause it looks, like a horse dick. and you know what red ones look like, dog dick. im pretty sure freud said that and thats why orange popsicles are the best

Demigodzilla

Is demigod just the couple nickname for when demi Moore was dating god?

Fake plug, I just put out an audiobook, the complete works of Shakespeare read in an indian accent, and next week I have comin out, dickens with a lisp

Learn larry king voice

"Orange is a great fruit, but a terrible color -witchita kansas you're on" -larry king

gurilla marketing campaign easter egg hidden promotion

song for sign language Don henly heart of the matter

Like a tree with no limbs

time travel is invented but you can only go into the future, eventually people all go to far and get crowded a the end

phrase origon

(a history chanel style show that reenacts the origons of old phrases) parody, similar to egghead's duty on gervais show

Movie about girls night out gone wrong all the women die and the men are forced to band  together to raise the kids 2 men and a baby sequal #15

How many people here feel uncomfortable with audience participation raise your hands.  Up up up!

Shut yo mouth

little known mpaa guideline: the term motherfucker is only allowed in an R rated movies, unless you talkin bout shaft.

Baby tattoo looking old and faded in teen years

Milhouse vs bauhaus

the sketchiest profession? caricature artists

women think the gift of life is a power they posess, really its an obligation, men do not feel a paternal clock ticking. with power comes responsibility, the power is good for the whole of humanity, the obligation lies on the individual

piss dream

do you know what the universally scariest dream is. Ill give you a hint it takes place in the bathroom. The scariest dreams are when you are going to the bathroom and you realize that you are in a dream, for a second you freak out cause you don't know if you are pissing in real life and you kinda don't want to wake up to find out.

South park did it first. Chef/Isaac Hayes singing why do birds suddenly appear.

make album called white moses rapping over only issac hayes covers

football suicide

hey johnny manzel, suicide is painless. Johnny mandel wrote the song suicide is painless, theme for mash

bill murry ballgame

Ask bill murry if he wrote take me out to the ballgame. actually billy murry

with his shoures soote

some people say, live every day like it your birthday i live every day like its april fools

god vs heaven

i believe in god but not heaven

black cops

a cure to racism is a cool black cop movie that convinces black people to become dissproportinate percent cops and the power swings the other way

Compare complaining about a comedian who talk about serious topics to someone who complains about the president talking about problems

bill burr

do people ever mistype bill burr as bill butt

anyone watch porn, anyone have like a fovorite pornstar, isnt it sad when you realize your favorite pornstar is now a milf. Its kinda sad cause it goes by so quick but they make up for doing "sandman comin with a hook" crazy porn

The one that got away

I was walking home alone the other day, you know like how people do when nobody loves you, and I was thinking, what age did I reach that I no longer became kidnap material. I used to always be worried and I would plan out what I'd do. "(Act out different scenarios people would think)" only I was a kid and didt realize how the world works, so all my plans were predicated on the idea that the kidnapper would have to listen to me  and I could then make my case for why I would be bad kinap material, then he would be like "but you have already seen my face" so then I had two plans, one for if he was when wearing a mask and one if he wasn't. But all this was stupid because, if you've ever seen a kidnapping,  whats the first thing they do, (act out covering over mouth) and iys because, if yhey didn't smart kids would always be outsmarting them. (Act out conversation between two kidnapping pedophiles in "the fish that got away story tones. Ending with "and then he started quoting (outlandish philosophy text) and (theory within the text) just made too much god darn sence. Kidnapper 2 consoles #1 by explaining how its the thrill of the hunt.

transition into when do guys no longer become kindap targets, being a young boy is likek being a girl for kidnap/rape

michael jordan or lebron james, i went to africa and saw a kid with a broncos superbowl champions jersy you know how they make the shirts before the game and give away the wrong ones to africa well i found the place they sendin em to I saw a "insrt upset championships here" and to each one I said michael jordan, he said lebron james. so i bough all the shirts and opened up an ironic vintage shirt store and make millions of ironic hipsters told in chris rock style voice

online sketch where you ring a neighbors doorbell and have pitchforks and torches but asking in a very modern way "would you like to ???? an protest the new science building that is creating a frankenstien monster?"

anyone ever aksed you what's your first memory, memory before thought is mostly action, how to make youir heart beat, lungs breath, i still remember all of that, spectacularly, in fact most of the time i do it without even thinkin. you ever try to make your heart stop just by thinking about it?... I don't know if its physically impossible or mmentally impossible but i was on acid onetime and thats some scary shit. (Ask audience about first memory at some point) so most of our first memories are reflexes, like whn your doctor hits a hammer. Anyone know first reflexes you learn as a Grasping rooting sucking? These reflexes still apply and you can use them today. Did you know that when you rub a baby's cheek they will suck your finger? You( point at hot chick) your boyfriend ever slap you in the face with his dick? (whatever answer) You SUck it!' baby?

naked yoga studio for advanced yoga practitioners only

sean john= shan jahn

Did Diddy build the Taj Mahal?

Are you gay if you let another man suck your strap on?

You ever see the episode of house of cards where they disignin the money and the masons are fighting the illuminati over who gets to put their symbols on which ones. NO!

Dennis Miller = Richard Belzer

Can you imagine imaginary world can you go in and look around what can you look for what are you looking for in a fish in C's Financial Accounting ridiculousness comedy contradictions lawyers

You ever wonder what people in different stages in time and economic stature would masturebate to. Exe a caveman or darke ages peasent vs king

the king gets to have everyone in his kindom do what he wants so he gets to fantasize about degrading shit make a parade and a holday dedicated. peasants, they just get to fantasize

Free with gold; toy soldiers fight cold war

Would you rather kenny vs spenny type show

Ask hottest girl at bar to be your wingman for second hottest. They compete and you double win

The real tiger woods question is if you think he got girls in school

All I want for Christmas

The most significant gift is one from a poor child

Andy Richter s scale is logarithmic

people elbow

mony python type "top 3 peopl'es elbow" first 2 random pictures, 3dr dwane's people's elbow

not kidding

couples that have kids and then think the tricks they pull on their kids will work on you. exe spelling out secrets.

HI-5

SNL has many opportunites for cool hi-5's.

AA

I joined AA. Not what i thought it was. I thought it was a place you could go and drink and your girl and family wouldn't find out. Like the KKK but instead of secretly being rasist you drink. instead of hat speach drinking! instead of lynchin, you get the idea. But what it really happened was instead of drinking ananomously. You sit in a circle and hear depressing stories.

Pant fear

When do you first wear a belt. Do people wear belts because they are afraid of their pants from being pulled down.

Alphabet burp

if a kid tells you he can burp the alphabet make him do it it's more painful for you at first but trust me it's worse for him by the end and hopefully he will have learned his, yes I'm sure its boy, lesson

Boring school

There isnt an epidemic of kids having add there is an epidemic of schools being boring. nobody can maintain my attention for that long I can't even fit in a business meeting for more than an hour without a donut I can barely entertain you guys on the stage for 5 minutes at four and a half now im being generous. The teachers do have an advantage though, they have a bank of knowledge that is infinite to drop on anything they can bring up to entertain these kids but you something that's interesting to every kid in a classroom and fitz within the testing requirements no wonder kids talk in class

OG Johnson

OG Lynden Johnson

melancholera

melancholera, the final stages of melancholy where all the shit dwelled upon removes itself through diaria until only a shell remains

If only one person was witness, did it really happen?

Water vs paper

Daniel tosh Style joke making fun of people who don't use bdays

black women sufferage

black women are the reason women got sufferage, cause white women wern't strong enough. we needed to wait 60 years when black women could be brought up with freedom to realize they didn't get the whole deal. the only thing that holds back black women is guns. that's why the hood has so many guns, its not for the gang violence, its to hold down their bitches.

letter of complaint

There are many people living cloistered lives where they try to convince themselvess that it is normal but naturally they need some form of release. When they are lashing out against something they are religously or philisophically opposed to, sometimes in reality they are getting the only contact they are allowed with a taboo subject. I think that people who write letters of complaint are getting off, looking for parts within a show that arouse them and then having an excuse to write the down and recall particularly salacious moments. Its like fan fiction for the cloistered. there should be more awareness brought to this so that they can change outlets and we can have fun. actually i like the balance, if there wasn't someone to make a line, how could we tow it? A great character to flash to when the main show is close to the line.

Diet newspaper article

The way nutrient % are calculated is making people fat. "the EAR (estimated average requirement) daily intake is not a goal but rather a tool" to set the amount the take the median of people (so half get too much half not enough) at a level right below "a specific indicator of excess". The reccomended diatary allowance is set to be at this level for 98-99% of people or 2SD above the already excessive EAR. http://www.nal.usda.gov/fnic/DRI/Essential_Guide/DRIEssentialGuideNutReq.pdf

Hardwood floors

Ask the girls if the carpet match the curtains she said yes and asked the same back to me I said no carpets I just got that hardwood

Basketball Song

Basketball Jones Remix

Bring Back Jared's

Bring back "can you hear me now?" guy. Still applicable today instead of coverage maps. Companies need a Jared. Jared is the only one.

Bad Segue

This is my impression of a bad Segway? Jump on mic stand and act out of control Segway to falling off cliff.
So, speaking of death...

Inspired by the quote,"shoot for the moon and even if you miss youll land among the stars" and Just redinvented olberins paradox. Proposed explinations, either a finite universe or... space dust. (also redshift)

Halloween

Son of man Halloween costume

Too cool for school, cool in 15 yrs

Find out what's popular in the youth by asking the too cool kids what they don't like

Are there isolated primative white tribes?

Kill my girlfriend

I can sympathize with serial killers cause I have to break up with my girlfriend, and would it just be easier. Wouldn't that be bett? If instead of braking up, the other person just disappeared?  then there's no regrets that you should have gotten back together,  no worry of running into her or her friends at the grocery story cause you don't have to cook you own meals anymore (positive sensationalism of prison)

Aquarium Fish

Aquarium fish are the dumbest fish. They are like feral children but like what a feral person is to a normal person, they are to normal, already dumb fish.

When candidates have to campaign they turn themselves into advertisement and a product. Then as a consumer we are buying coke or pepsi, 90 percent of the value is in the advertising and the product difference is negligible

What is the ham in Hammond haha this rift in short shrift the cell in one fell swoop and now I think you get the gist

We should teach people to avoid tones rather than outlaw bad words

Is frankens next goal to host daytime tv ala springer or go wrestling like ventura

People should move to where they are accepted.  Moving is easy, states rights to be differebt should be more extremely exercised in both directions

You can't take a fuck you can only give one or not

Mad Locals

Go to place and say there was recent news that local folks hero was ( gay etc...) to get them mad at you.

A book about the world that progresses to brave new world. That is our world tomorrow and yesterday.

Go to place and say there was recent news that local folks hero was ( gay etc...)

empty set full

when the universe began the empty set was full now the empty set is as large, possibly larger, than infinity just as there are different dimensions of infinite (amount of numbers between 1 and 0 is infinite. but also .3333 *3 =1) the empty set contains everything that isn't it is "not a duck" and it is "not a pillow" but before those qualities existed in the real world they din't exist within the empty set there are two ways i can imagine the pairing of these universes 1: the empty set is universe of infinite possibles and our universe is like a worm tunnel through and destroying and eating what isn't and turning it into what is 2: the possible and impossible universes exist within a constantly fluctuating equilibrium where they ebb and flow as the universe expands and then eventually contract as the empty set begins to refill the answer might depend on the 2nd law of thermodynamics and how it applies to the a closed system in possibility 2 the empty set is an open system able to freely exchange with the possible world in possibility 1 the empty set is a semi permeable system only allowing exit and no entry imagine god as existing within a 4th dimensional universe as we live in a 3d we experience time as linear, we can only go forward along a single path (on a macroscopic scale only forward but evidenced on atomic scale time is equal in both directions, thus where we begin to see complications with the second law of thermo) if god were to exist within a plane of time compared to our plane of time, our universe could be to him what our universe is to itself frozen in time. he has affected us in the same way we have affected a snapshot of our universe without time. free will only exists when irrespective of physicality.

Before death

introduction to anyone "im glad to have met with you before you died"

part homeschool

half days of the week homeschool

jump

you go to save someone who is about to jump of a bridge, but you find they were a child molester and couldnt change

dont know

you have to be creative when you don't know, if there is only one right answer, that answer becomes boring. This explains a lot of my conversation style.

When I see Twitter and popular hashtags I think, wow a million people all having thd same thought... we are so stupod. Have an original thought. I bet there's a lot of people out there who never had a single thought that no one else had before

No retweet

Twitter, but each tweet could only be used once

Cool whip

They say I'm smart as a quip... but in longer pieces I tend to dull

Edgar Allen poe type short story where a man is in a prison with sheer stonewall from the side the g ate is on the ceiling but the floor is dirt and you can dig. so he digs he continues to dig piling up the dirt on one side digging deeper on the other and tell the slope wont stand but he keeps taking willing to die in pursuit of freedom

howard stern party

when you go to a party, wait for someone to come up to you and then stick to that person. only as last measure divert to other.

Empty set

I know something bigger than infinity. The empty set. Emptiness exists in more places than things do. 0 exists in all dimensions is an empty set closed . only added to, only subtracted from? is the empty set getting smaller is an empty set an isolated system without being a closed set "at the beginning of time, the empty set was full" does the empty set violate the 2nd law of thermo?