Bad Segue

This is my impression of a bad Segway? Jump on mic stand and act out of control Segway to falling off cliff.
So, speaking of death...

Poachers

A poacher was trampled to death earlier this week by the Elephant he was attempting to poach. My advice to poachers, "Stick with eggs!

Educational Foundation

A skit where the founder of Harvard comes to present day and is amazed by the number of universities and students. To his dismay existential problems remain unsolved.

"But what happens when we die?!?!?"

UOENO

I ask you the capital of Alaska and Juneau even know it.
Best original screenplay in 2008, Juno even know it

I think

Something you might not have known about me before tonight. I exist.

1%

99% of the time im a normal person, it just happens that that 1% is when im interacting with other people

Mighty Mighty Bosstones

I find impressions really difficult. To do them well you really have to get the nuances in an individual perfmance and for most performers I don't really "get" enough to do an impression of. In fact I only really get one impression, so this is "the impression that I get", of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, and I'll do it for you now. "I NEVER HAD TO KNOCK ON WOOD" that's the impression that I get.

Chronic Joint Inflamation

I need MJ for my chronic joint inflammation.

No skydiving

Imma tie a sign on a balloon that says "no skydiving".

Plastic bag ban

I picked up a hooker on Sammish way and she charged me 5 cents for not bringing my own bag.

Ambrosia

Ambrose and Ambrosia Burnside

Onion #1

Potential Onion Article: Body image issues are keeping competitive girls away from performance enhancing drugs.

My Soul to Give

For lent this year I'm giving up my soul, "Just like Jesus did!" So if I seem like a soulless bastard the next couple of weeks, its just because my parents didn't believe in marriage "at the time"

Kicking Dylan

I ran into Bob Dylan returning a pair of shoes at the shoe store he said, "you shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you."

Schizo Diatribe

A didactic diatribe that is actually comedic because you switch topics every homophone. Having the speech have a didactic format makes the discovery more fun.

Bring Back The Arts

Little did the liberals know that "bring back the arts" petition they signed really was for logic, grammar, and rhetoric.

William's Syndrome

Critique a purple piece of prose by asking if the author has William's syndrome

Abecedarian

Abecedarian. Insult or sketch

Water Efficiency

I like to piss in the sink so that way I can be more efficient and wash my hands at the same time.

I'm a Bitch

Transform the Louie CK bit of decision making from, "I'm an asshole" to "I'm a bitch".