Holiday comedian

Barber Anne

Someone who doesn't believe in violence then sees violence and thinks it's a miracle

Market gay porn as extreme gay chicken 

Kanye west anderson

"Grandma's Wedding" starring your real grandma

If you order milk at a restaurant, Lucy you got som splainin to do.

What's colder, the North Pole or the south Pole. You think down is cold cause hot air rises but what about the tops of mountains

Have you seen Flintstones vitamins recently? I can hardly tell Fred from Barney

I'm surprised some of these terrible last names haven't died out

People are funniest in a same room sleep over with friends and you're supposed to go to sleep

You can only drink milk at home

I don't believe in weeds. All plants are good.

Space age technology is really old

Follow god remix with lightbright

I'm fancy. I only pee in the toilet

never seriously considered that I was autistic, until I got one of those blankets. and I was like, this feels too good, like being on a jackhammer, or leaning into a hot tub jet on one spot for too long. you get addicted immediately or rubbing your eyes, I know your not supposed to but it feels so good and once you start you can't stop

Movie moments that made me cry:

"They do move in herds"- Jurassic Park

14 inch rulers aled to12 for dick measure

Tyler the Creator is the hip hop Liberace

Bai Bai Bai

Thai backstreet boys

Reno:vomit from turbulence:: New York: Statue of liberty

Parody rap

Poop flower change going to the bathroom

Juliet socks

Occidental

I'm not a fan of pronouns. Let the amateur nouns have their day. 

As soon as a regular noun gets used once, pronoun comes in tried to take their gig.

What's with emergency vehicles not pressing their sirin all the way

What would you do with a million $'s.
Quit my job and be a full time artist.
Where is that money line for you?

what if animal sacrifice works, we just don't know the science behind it yet

90% of comics say they look creepier than they arr

Brunch<munch

It's ironic that stationary moves around so much.

Chili pie but with bugels

If I married Sheryl Crowe I would take her last name
Same with Russell

What's the smallest increment of candy that you eat one at a time,

Not nerds, not mnms

Don't worry I'm flying in coach/koch brothers private plane

Jesus died on the cross. Better or worse than 9-11

Most famous death of all time was Jesus. We all know how he died. Very famously. If you don't know, turn to the nearest  Italian or Mexican man and ask to inspect at their necklase.

And you would think that after having the most famous death of all time. You'd think

Game of thrones "what kind of God would bring me back just to kille again." George RR Martin, me , and real god. He brought Jesus back for three days just to kill him again

How do you think Jesus died the second time?
Falling down a flight of stairs, tripped on his flip flops.

What I've learned from blouse shopping is that I have big armpits

How did Jesus die the second time?

I'm not a fan of sequels Jesus' second death was not as good.

I don't know anyone who would seriously be offended by a nine 11 joke. Oh no, those people died. If you pretend to give a shit, get out of my life.
It's the least edgy thing for the rep it gets

Hobos only have an oral tradition

Empty-anthropic

I wish my car window was 10x faster

My favorite yamasaki building is the Ranier. Never forget

Why doesn't Trump own a sports team.

How is Temple University dealing with the Cosby fallout

Country time lemonade fun dip replacement

How long ago did people know not to drink while pregnant. The generation after alcohol was invented all the children had fetal alcohol

Rice paper made me uncautiously optimistic

Saw a guy with a tattoo of a banana on one calf and a three scoop ice cream on the other.

I bet he loves banana splits

I think I have an Oedipious complex, I really want to stab my eyes out

Kinves for the homeless charity

Lightbulb below deck does the same thing to humidity as my balls

First guy to do finger guns

The guy who invented the camera invented child porn

Pina colada song but it's all drinks.

If you like Pina colada
If you like long island ice tea
If you like red wine
If you like and IPA
If you like drinkin wine at midnight

We write Adam Sandler a movie

The beach men

Beck Becker Beckest

Tuck Tucker Tuckest

Greatest bedtime story in the world tribute