Did you know Starbucks is made from dead stars? Think about that next time

I went to Harvard

Not alot of people know this but I went to Harvard,,,  last weekend to throw rock at nerds. Dont tell on me,  not a lot of people know. Who woulda thought, the nerds bigggest weakness the geek kryptonite, ,, rocks. Sticks and stones may break my bones but nerds will never hurt me

I could whip out my dick, start pissing on the front row, and the people ib the back would just think its part of the act
Act out slightly incredulous back audience.
Then go back and forth between acting out front row getting pissed on

Stage Bathroom

Have you ever had to go to the bathroom on stage? The worst part,,, no privacy.
Have you heard about this bathroom on the streets of time square with oneway glass... I would masterbate.

Biggest fan

Biggest fan character, a giant person who is forced to be spokesperson for everything he likes because he becomes by default,  the biggest fan

Peer pressure hecklers

Explain to hecklers how peer pressure works acknowledge their punk ability to rise above and get them to use their powers for good like laughing at the show.
If doesn't work use peer pressure againts them.

Qr on business card

Qr code on business card that uploads contact information

I can only eat standing up.
Eat food gratuitously

Come out with popcorn and watch audience like a movie

Different food I've tried on stage and why they did/n't work, exe milk duds, chili.

Sometimes people complain when I eat in front of them, that I'm making them hungry (exaggerate how much enjoying the food)

They did not think I was funny at my last gig,,, at the soup kitchen or homeless sheler old folks home prison,,,,,,,,,it was a 3 hour long set so I had to bring a lot of food to keep up the bit for my act,,, I had a whole thanksgiving meal,,,, act out eating and them suffering and then comedically misplaced artistic justification

List of places my eating act would be inappropriate and how, old folks, bulimia, diabetes, funeral (food to loud, who has comedian at funeral anyway, actually I kind of like the idea but tough crowd)

Bit explaning circumstances creating and difficulties of having to perform comedy after funeral,,,, with loud food.

Dave attell drinking lesson

Defend from the position that I make fat people jealous, exe yeah, I can eat and still be skinny its called exercise and its all around you just have to look. You don't have to travel to china to find the special exercise temple where only true exercise can be accomplished, you dont need to by yoga mats and take special classess in (extreme example with own mini punchline), it can literally be anything, from chasing a ice cream truck to ___.  Ill tell you what Id do in jr high. (Food) I'd put on wrist weighs when I masterbated (food pause)
And (self imposed negative stimulation).
By sophmore year I looked like Popeye halfway through a can of spinach (act out popeye with only one arm poping)
To balance it out I ended up having to (?)

I hate to badmouth yoga because I love yoga pants and I think its worth pretending like I care about yoga if it means one more (type of girl) buys yoga pants.

Changing my last name to fitz. That way I can call my wife and daughters the misfitz.
My wife is only taking half of my last name, so I'm going to be a mr fitzmaurice and she's going to be a mrs fit.

I'm getting married and my wife and I decided something different,  instead of her changing to my last name me changing to hers or that hyphen bullshit (possibly tangent) we are both choosing a new last name. You know how difficult it is to choose a cilds name (make seem rediculously inconsiquential selfish and/or easy in comparison) examples of bad last names she wanted and I wanted (use her first and my middle initials as joke reveals. Eventually we decided on...

Comedian style where you eat food on stage. Used for comfortable pauses setting up expectation pause and twist.  Benefits include, food promotion , get to eat food, origional, character defining, easily shed, sourse of jokes, add layer to jokes, creates an introduction topic (possibly delayed for additional affect), something to do during heckelers, bring unexpected food out from pockets, topic of any food you bring (relatability)

Polly wanna, dahli lamma