Louis ck turns down Harvard law

Charles groden amazing race

First person side scroller

Stat is short statim which is latin for immediately. That's how fast a doctor needs a scalpel, immediately isn't quick enough.

Learn to play its a mans world on piano.

Lonely island parody called archipelago

I asked Google home to blow me. It said "I'm sorry I can't help with that yet."
Yet?

what does lgbtqi stand for?

Eliminated=lemonaded

Who named Bengay?

How long is the time between when you think "something bad happened to my tooth" and actually calling a dentist.

If you found $100,000 what would you do with it?
Give it to my grandma.

Masturbate in the shower because its the only place warm enough.

Two different guys in Bellingham drinking mimosas in a sports bar

Reasons you would eat fries for breakfast. Woke up too late for McDonald's breakfast but didn't realize till in drive through,  pregnant, Canadian

As a punt returner,  if its an obvious fair catch take two steps back and it might hit the back of a defender

Why at the VFW is there an emphasis on foreign.  Is it not for civil war veterans?

David koechner as the ambler in the rhald dahl lighter short story

Moonriver in 5/4

Costume gimick screams lack of self confidence.

Texture nodes on phone screens for use without looking and quicker accuracy.

I don't make the rules i just enforce them. Saturday James makes the rules and you know what today is? Thursday. So, if you  would like a rule change you will have to petition Saturday James for that decision.

What is Christmas and how do I marry it?

"Merry Everything! " card vs.
"Marry Everything! " card

Were the hottest girls in highschool ever  the cheerleaders in real life?

you (...) as beautiful as you look you sing as beautiful as you look you shoot as beautiful as you look

Do you think bill Clinton behind closed doors ever said "grab them by the pussy"

Ask Bill Clinton and Tiger woods,  "what points in your life when quality of pussy being thrown at you went up by the most."

How Boeing sees Trump. "It's a difficult responsibility That you accept from the number-one lawmaker, me Have it known throughout the land from sea to sea There'll be no more toymakers to the King!"

New Jim Crow:
Cant vote and wear Jordan's
Have to...
Etc

Do you think when Trump gets inaugurated he will change his twitter handle to PresidentDonaldTrump?

My employment application asked if I was a runaway.

I like to play games with ironic bravado. It doesn't work as well if you win.

Play a game where you try to guess someones name just by looking at them. Once names are locked in, shout out your guess and see if the person turns.

What do you think about medical experiments on humans.
What should the limits to medical experiments be?

Any time you would say "shit" instead say "shoot".
"I almost shoot my pants"
"What a piece of shoot"

There aren't very many half indians.
What race is the least mixed?

Gross world product in 2016 is projected at $75.21 trillion US military value 17.5 Trillion 1.5 million employees 800 bn annual budget United States was the world's largest exporter of major arms, accounting for 31 per cent of global shares citizen gun laws are hypocritical no amount of citizen guns could beat the us military

the worst of jefferson airplane, a 3 cd compilation

Which nationalitys are emotional and which are stolid.

argue and use wrong facts and you can bait and predict your opponents next move

What percentage of people go to heaven vs hell.

sketch where someone comes home with dinosaur meat they stole from the lab. the vegetarian refuses to eat it and everyone else gets superpowers

Military heaven

danny glover pba commercial

People from some places are nice and some places are jerks.  Omaha is good.  Ohio is bad. Hey sideburns!  I know you're from Ohio.

I had a paper route.  I used to deliver paper for dunder Mifflin in Scranton Pennsylvania. Joe biden was on my route and i had to be sure he got his paper before he got on the amtrac down to dc

Obama cologne

I played the moustache in Sully

The brain loves to think and I love my brain so I try to think as much as I can

Redd fox in the crowd at prices is right and then gets called up.

Everybody in North korea is required to wear Jordan's and hanes

Stare at a girl across the bar.  Mime an action and get her to follow then have her switch to lead, dance back and forth.
If you can't communicate physically,  how good you think the fuck

i like to shave my neck first, that way, if i mess up and slit my thoat, I won't have wasted time shaving my face

funny story about people who live under an absurd dictator

Name my son "Master"

Impression of Steven wright doing woody allen jokes

It would be funny if trump asked hiliary to take her old job back on the cabinet.

Why doesn't the acting president allow the succeding President to job shadow until inauguration

What percentage of crimes are reported.
What type of crime is the least likely to be reported?
What demographic is the least likely to report crime.

If Obama was assassinated he would be more popular than JFK

Dave Chappelle impression
hit knee with mike step back laugh
"Word"

Makes B.A. Baracus look like Urkel

Tim from moonshiners looks like Jeremy renner

How did Jesus die for our sins. How would his crucifixion be different if he decided not to. How are my sins forgiven.

Jesus died for our sins. How? What did he do to accomplish this. Why did he do it?

Mary saying "oh god" in bed with Joseph

Chevy should give a corvette to ann

Dog student

Teach dog to sit on laser point

Games for dogs

Press buttons to change color to unlock treat

I need 2 vaccuums, one for the rug and one for the floor

I heard "______" paid madden $$$ to make his crotch bigger

Everything I know about money I learned from a jack-in-the-box and my quilting business is about to declare bankruptcy.

Good looking on the cooking

Begin stand up by using yoga suggestions to calm crowd, then gradually transition to angry yoga teacher

LLLL

Did you know that the llama is the only mammal to have two L's as the first letters of its name?

What if Mengele invented Jewish zombies?

Why are straight jackets uncomfortable?
Never stop resisting.

Christopher Plummer sounds like Morgan Freeman

If you are too young to get that reference, you're young enough to have looked it up on your phone already

Impression of Hannibal doing a bit about Fabio joining his gym.

"I don't think I want Fabio in my life that much."

You're not supposed to get high before yoga? I'm sorry I must have some kind of misunderstanding. Should I not be high at church either?

A true hail Mary goes for 59 yards

Mark a dot on the mirror and rotate pupil/chackras around it

I know why the caged Bird smokes dope

sports would be more fun if everyone was gay

Partner tutoring company with volunteer programs

I wrote a novel on ticker tape

go to hoarders houses and get copies of recorded tv shows

Grandparents have the worst candies

Like electric vehicle parking space but only if your car was Ford

I'm not smart, I just ask questions to smart people and remember what they say

movie that starts with plato quote, (the beginning is the most important part) opening scene a man slowing gathering the supplies to commit suicide by hanging. pan out and see house on a truck that is going off a hill, then pan out and a nuclear bomb goes off at the same time.

What is funny er a smart guy or a dumb guy Heart of gold safe Socrates didn't have a crest The thing I like about Canada is its majestic purple mountains and its shining seas

20% americans die in icu A recent Canadian study of elderly hospitalized patients at high risk of dying revealed that most patients (76%) had thought about end-of-life (EOL) care, and only 12% preferred life prolonging care

You will each have nicknames based on my favorite comedy movies jackass Dumb and Dumber the jerk

What are the consequences of appeasement?  Just as Nevil Chamberlain. Fuckin Hitler. Never give an inch.

Diagramming sentences with Virginia wolf

Whenever a guy says "the wings are actually pretty good" when talking about Hooters, he has to accompany it with raised shoulders

do I believe in one god the father and the almighty creator of heaven and earth? No. Do I believe that Jesus was one of the great moral philisophers and I think about his teachings every day? Then yes. Do I also think about the teachings of Socrates, Camus and Barney the DInasaour every day? Yes

Doug would rather be shot than play an NFL game

NFL waterboy takes his work home with him, squirts water in wife's mouth when watching a movie

Router bit for led strip hidden in backing

Peanut butter mayo and lettuce sandwich

Return of the sockeye

This comic got me hooked like I'm a rainbow trout and it's a purple wholly bugger. Like I'm a steelhead and it's a downrigger with a 2 foot flasher.

If the video poker machines didn't make so much noise a casino would be easily quiet. Rows and rows of people silent in front of screens. No social interaction or communication. A thousand people playing video poker and three silent blackjack players.

Locals play video poker. The casino up the street is for people from out of town. On a Monday at noon, the security guard at the entrance knows almost everyone there.

Worst songs to hear in the bathroom of a casino during a moment of sobriety:

Video of people's faces as they leave a casino. Interviews at the busstop

My least favorite end to a sentence is "and why" because it just turned a 5 second question into a minute and a half.

It means you have to respond in full sentences which means at least five words.

I used to copy the sentence format all the way down the paper.

How many people would number all the homework problems on the side of the paper before you started solving. Just so you could convince yourself that you were working without having to think.

Example homework problems with "and why"

What in your life is absurd. You can't understand why the world doesn't play by logical rules?

All stimuli is discomfort. Comforts are familiar and dulled stimuli

The wood right shop termite infestation

deflection

A: What have you been up to? B: Oh, I've been thinking about deflection and how I try to talk about others to avoid the anxiety of talking about myself. How about you?

All political media is biased because they know about politics. the average person does not. the media can not represent the people because they know more than the people do

How do you look someone in the eyes. I only know how to look into one or the other. When someone asks me to look them in the eyes and tell the truth, it looks like I have shifty eyes.

what side of the bed is it more frequent for husbands or wives to sleep on

Imagine if there was only one website. Analogy to Bible

Indulgence is the key to unhappiness

the president trump reminds me of the most would probably be, jefferson... davis

Looking at the mirror at the distance that makes your head appear actual size.

Marred in controversy

bill marr

Marred in controversy

bill marr

Mothership Rich

sketch snooty glass art gallery that sells fancy bongs to rich stoners but ignores other clientele

Malcolm was killed by black people Martin by white people

Sounds Like

Neal Brennan and Patrick Walsh sound exactly the same

Same with Stan Ellsworth and John Goodman

"The Post Modern Yankee Workshop"

"The Real Ogee" (router bit)

"The Real Ogee" (router bit)

James Brown's original name was James White but he changed it for the industry

would you rather be mentally handicapped, mentally disabled, or mentally retarded?

Reason for companionship: For someone to be on the same side of the glass with.

A book about antiques will never be obsolete

Its actually very simple Midevivel comes after Renaissance and then it's organized by color and size

That's deliciously tacky

In improv say that the other person said great things about you so they have to agree.

Key and Peele antique roadshow black memorabilia. Held back nerdy black enthusiasm.

I understand why ship owners did not want women aboard their vessels. It's sexist and I think the vast majority of people would say that it was a good financial decision. How did sailors fall in love with the sea. Like a rolling stone it does not care for moss and feels unfulfilled unless moving forward.

Euclid originally defined a point as "that which has no part."

Yet, it is present and significant in every dimension.

A triangle has 5 sides, the hypotenuse, the opposite side, the adjacent side, the inside and the outside.

A circle has infinite sides or 2 sides

Trump decides to make a new monument like Rushmore or the statue of liberty. When are the recent "wonders of the world"

when someone asks you a boring question, just answer a more interesting question as if you misheard

How come i've never seen anything about what you are supposed to be thinking while exercising?

Why would you pledge allegiance to an inanimate object? IF you are pledging to it as a symbol then you wouldn't have to say that yo additionally support the republic that it is a symbol for.

If you enjoy "getting better" it's something you can do all day and in every moment. This, plus it's long term investment value, makes it one of the more ideal things to want to enjoy.
If I enjoy getting stronger, I can enjoy any moment by finding a way to get stronger at something in that moment

That's my night time vacuum

American Peep show with Joe machi and sam morril

i gotta stop being so nice to the burrito guy cause he overflows my burrito and i can't eat it but he thinks he's doing me a favor

If old white Catholics said Jah instead of God

Kyle Mooney as a Rastafarian priest

My wife, my mom, my brother and his wife all die on a terrible accident. My dad and I are left to raise my brother's infant child.

Synonym Finder

A website where you enter a sentence and it replaces each word with its longest synonym.

Jah Man

I believe in one Jah, the father and the almighty, creator of heaven and earth.

Whenever someone sneezes I will say "Ja bless you" and when they say "What?" I say "Jah! You know "Jah" like Jah is good Jah is great, let us thank Jah for this food?"

Usually you are not surprised that it is the last day of school.

Boggart

identify indecision and inaction in your life. use it to discover your fear that is holding you back. once a fear is uncovered it loses its power, similar to that harry potter creature

Sham is not a great name for a product with supposed magical quality.

The focal refocusing when looking at an embering bowl is a trigger

What are comics most afraid of. What would be emersion therapy exercises for those fears

the funniest thing about sex is that everybody does it but you never get to see it

not paranoid car

not paranoid car Three stoners in a car Jacob Straight edge Cheech/Chong Outside shot of tie dye van blasting music in the back of a parking lot smoke billows out the window inside the car, a conversation about weed then a light through a window sparks a paranoid conversation, they bush it off to paranoia, "yeah this weed makes me paranoid sometimes" "yeah I did a bunch of acid when i was 17 so I see lights sometimes" outside shot of a property manager in a pantsuit calling the cops with a tone of disgust like a 16 year old girl who's only chore for her allowance is to take out the trash inside, conversation returns to weed but returns to paranoia when cop lights flash brush off with explanation of light ball, "but it seems more red and blue, did the green and yellow bulbs die out outside shot of additional cop cars pulling in, dogs tugging on leashes and barking outside inside van, do you hear those dogs barking? "Your feet been killing you to? takes off shoes, my dogs have been barking since I took that molly on Thursday and danced in flip flops for 6 hours." No but seriously I hear dogs. did someone let their dogs out? "guy changes the music to Who let the dogs out" Outside the cops are closing in when rambo drives up with a propped up machine gun in the back of a flatbed truck, mowing down police officers inside, turn on some different music, like some... bullet whizzes by, "what was that"

some of the smartest people I know are beautiful

bury me in my gi

Not While Driving

Listening to Chess on the radio

What types of mental exercises would be worst to do while driving? What would be the least disruptive?

10 best podcasts Cash with TJ... No ticket Todd Glass with ANthony Jezelnik and Jonah Ray Pod F Tompkast Episode potter WTF Bob Zamuda Hollywood Handbook Sinbad Ricky Gervais, Diary

Animated farside. In 5-10 second clips.

Has any Scandinavian from Minnesota ever been offended that the name of their NFL team is "The Vikings"

Comedy sketch where Bob from sesame Street gets fired by a brash studio executive.

sci fi short story collection about different universe pluralities that All tell the story like groundhog day but with the sci fi change subtly introduced and brought to light, focused because of its deviation from the archetypal story (our universe). The slow revel of what the difference in universes is the point of the stories. The practical pragmatic differences in life with scientific advances. The arch story will cover the most common experiences and be somewhat droll in a pleasantville type of way. story varients -teleportation -mind reading -cloning

Tinder with your therapist

In 50 years you might as well call Trump Millard Fillmore

From the back, a dog looks like a tall guy with his head out the sunroof

John Williamson movie reviews

If you knew that you would choose wrong, which decision would make you more happy.

Black "the sting"

How big do I want my fishbowl to be?

Trump Flair

Donald Trump impression, Rick Flair speech

Childish Reviews

Kids say the darnedest things meets movie reviews.
Offer in exchange for free "fun tutoring"
Vocabulary, vocab words of the day. Different kids making different sentences
History
Current events
Philosophy
Expository writing
Story telling
Oral directions
Logic puzzles

Lead by asking kids what their favorite things are and have them tell you. Pepper in questions to guide.

Practice setting up interview stage. Practice interview with mom. Then Matthews and Patrick. Make Craigslist add.

Ogre in the Living Room

How long does it take to codify an intimate relationship? 6 month s is typical but how many hours? What about a codifying moment. In Harry Potter when Harry and Ron saved Hermione from the ogre it became the reason for their friendship.
I believe that the ogre is a metaphor for rape.

Tpyo

Purposely typos can draw extra attention to important details.

Allergic to eyedrops

Torn jeans

Kids are unconcerned about the durability of their clothing. Adults are overly concerned.

Black Eye

Sunglass monocle.

Just like Heaven

What would you think if you saw Hitler in heaven.

Controlled Fixation

Joy stick: A stick from which joy is derived. a.video game controller b. cigarette c. dick

Ugh zactly?

Ugh zactly

Garden State Isle

I think I might be the only person who has ever checked out of the grocery store with only    Nutella, salsa, pear flavored jelly beans and chicken hearts.

How many purchase combo's are possible and how many have occurred

Garden State Isle

I think I might be the only person who has ever checked out of the grocery store with only    Nutella, salsa, pear flavored jelly beans and chicken hearts.

How many purchase combo's are possible and how many have occurred

Like doing a three point turn on the Titanic

3 in 1

Banana juice 1. Juice made of banana's 2. Juice to put on a banana 3. Semen

Greater than

There's more numbers than...
Fingers on your hand chairs in the room people at my school

Business Camping Trip

Find a house with really high weekend rental potential then live in it on weekdays and go camp on weekends.

Soulja boy was ahead of his time.

I'm the best rapper in "name a place"

How come when people say they are going to do a Jack Nicholson impression instead they do a terrible Ed McManus impression.

I glide like the ghost of Clyde

Homeless voting booth filibuster

Most underrated standup. Sinbad

masks for swimming so you can breath without getting water splashed in your mouth

I had a blind date and she told me to meet her at the hospital...

The Awakenings

awakening to your child's potential: the storys of parents and the moments they start to realize that thier child has mental dissabilities and how different parents deal with that impending realization

what's the best youtube ad

sketch comedy show where the monty python type segue is unqued cartoonish murder

Star Trek framing device for sketch comedy

"god bless you very much"

Everything you don't know is Schroedinger cat, with deliverance from ignorance having positive and negative potentialities

Who said it...
Charlie Sheen or Trump.
"Winning"
"They don't want me to win."

Sieg Heil

The Hitler Salute is one of the greatest greetings of all time. Has any other group or country come up with something similar?

Do Germans make the best game apps

Mark Walhburg hosts antiques roadshow that updates 1990's prices to 2012

Is there any proof that spoilers make you less likely to consume. The metaphor doesn't extend and track.

When analyzing a reflexive response, ask yourself, what am I trying to rationalize or defend. If I am disproportionately on one side than the other, am I attempting to hide irrationality from my consciousness.

The Discontinuation of Wheaties Leave millions of 80 year old men with nothing to eat for breakfast

To a large swath of population, the pokeball is more recognizable than the yin yang

Vicious maliciousness

Foolishness provoked by absurdity

A writing exercise where you think of a thing and the you think of the least likely place it could be, then you try to explain the story of how it came to be

I have more positive dreams when I fall asleep in a confident position, face up with my hands open by my sides

make faces first and then learn the voice of an impression

My nickname s kix. Cause I'm kid tested, mother approved.

The world is chaotic and so am I

what are moments of fun within a game?

"A crisis is not the time to learn new things." -Holly

"Faint hearts never won fair ladies"- Robin Hood

do you ever get scared by the lack of control that you have over other people? Someone you are talking to could just decide, in a moment, to punch you in the face, or announce your biggest secret to the world\

I think my own thoughts are more interesting than others mostly due to topicality

A three way debate about the value of $
$1000

have you ever used the battery cover on your tv remote as a spoon because you didn't want to get up

Kids named Rafi and dreams of banana phones

How does the brain's perception of time change in outer space

meaning requires agreement between communicable properties over symbolic imagery

the reason that we don't have memories before we are 2 is because our memories are not conscious thoughts, you are learning how to chew food, how to move your arms, muscle memories. I bet you still remember how to do those things

movie that quickly tangents into disparate genres. a romantic comedy where all of a sudden the guy gets shot by a sniper and the gril becomes the lead in an action move which then becomes a legal drama

When do happy memories become sad?

Hot potatoe electric shock ball

banana phone ring tone

if we can perceive faster than the speed of light, all history can be captured and accessed.

The worst thing to keep in plain sight in your car is food. Because impulsive people are more likely to only think one step out

You ever find yourself with a song stuck in your head? that's the worst actually even worse is when that song, that song thats stuck in your head, is like a song that is inappropriate like it has bunch of blasphemous curse words and you work at some kind of place where cursing is frowned upon, like a like a church. That wouldn't be good, you go up to do some preaching and spreading the good word and the church bells are ringing and then you find your foot tapping, tapping to the sound of hymns being sung and you think, "hey, this partcular hymn verse sounds very similar to snoop doggy dog. And you start imagining snoop's lyrics over the church bells, and then all of a sudden the church bells stop ringing, but your imagination is still singing the song. And then you realize that after the song ends that means that now its your turn to talk. So now you're trying to rember some speech you thought up five minutes before the service started, but you cant because your head is riddled with curse words and blasphmy, and maybe you make it through your sermen and the thing with the thing and the song is still stuck in your god damn head, so you decide to start humming the song thinking maybe that will make it go away. But then a member of your congregation a lone sheep in your flock as you would say. And that person is coming up to you for advice on a very serious matter like, their house was burnt to the ground in a fire and all their possesions were engulfed and their children are covered with third degree burns. Meanwhile you still have that song stuck in your head from before, that song with snoop doggy dog. So the person comes up to you and they dont want to just begin a conversation by saying "my house burned in a fire!", they want to eas you into it. So they say something like, "say whats that song you're humming?" and you try to lie but you arent very good because you never practice. And you cant say the truth because you dont want this person, one of your subjects, if you are the object they are your subjects. You dont want them to know who you really are, you want them to know the person that you pretend to be.

or like its not a song that makes you look like you are pretending to see.

How wide would a grave have to be in order for you to be able to dig one six feet deep?
Given that the material you are digging is...
A. Clay
B. Sand
C. Loam
D. Water

Collection of morbid math story problems

podcast where a child "reads" a story and I play uncle bruce

mirrored sunglasses where they put the lense in backwards

We need to legalize child labor so that selling drugs isnt the easiest way for kids to make money.

"my two favorite generas of music are; sonic terrorism and experimental rap" -jacob

A character who discounts reasonable warnings as paranoia because he thinks he is being paranoid from druga

I like "country" "folk"

Belly button sweat

Ask burr about the one child policy

"You have to ask people before you give them hugs, you cant just give hugs to strangers."

"There once was a boy named James. He got slapped in the butt and then he died." -Samantha

man in the mirror motion sensor (shnabubla version) music on cues resulting from certain actions around the house ask Vasu

ask a fool an impossible question

Van Morrison> Cat Stevens> Gordon Light foot> Jim Croce

dress like willy wonka and go out on the street giving candy to random, well behaving children

hexstat probability fountain

Gif storyboard

"hunger is the best sauce in the world" -cervantes

If you were a woodchuck, how frequently do you think you would be asked, "how much wood can you chuck?"

For breakfast I had bacon, eggs, toast, sorry I didnt mean to offend you, I know you are a decendant of toast, you come from a very strange family

even if every citizen of the united states had an assault rifle, we still couldn't defend ourselves against martial law enforced by the U.S. military.

a YouTube channel like cinemasins but for cinema successes explain every joke in a movie

A synonym for sin.

dr. vinnie boombats tv show, sketch the other perspective from the rodney jokes

I recently performed for an hour in front of 30,000 people. I performed it on the overpass of a major interstate. Not everyone stayed till the end, aaand not everyone got there on time, aaaaand the acoustics were not ideal. but other than that it went pretty well. Some of my jokes went over their heads.

The other side of the swingsey

incontinent breakfast

Do you think Jay-Z's still spending money from 88?

sharply exhaled through his nose

my mother was a farmer's wife

LFO>Len (lyte funkie ones) "do you like butter tarts?"

"you dont scare me toilet!" while wearing a clown nose "oink oink im the king" - john
Put an empty sticker outline on your face, "i would vote for president pie and the first thing he would do is ban eating pies. Because he's a pie himself!"  stephen

Two Christmas babies get married on Christmas

How can I have a good day when the Lakers can't beat the Supersonic anymore?

draw dicks on dracula's face but he can't see them in the mirror

"The Native American group known as the Flathead Indians, in fact, did not practice head flattening, but were named as such in contrast to other Salishan people who used skull modification to make the head appear rounder." - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artificial_cranial_deformation

so I chose the one less traveled by, and that has made all of the difference. What else was in contention to make a difference? Is his definition of making a difference, your deviations from the standard, unconscious decision. If so, I like it almost as much as William James on DMT.

a wrinkle in optimist prime time

linda ronstadt is the best white female vocalist since jenny lind

outsourced phone sex

dean martin foster brooks type sketch as an oil tank driver

interview Caitlin Jenner and only ask specific, non personal, decathlon questions, as if asking questions to an expert witness make her a serious Olympic reporter for decathlon

no body plays polevault for fun

ask kim kardashian, what are the 10 events in the decathalon and what order

script for bruce jenner olympic story. aka juice brenner former gold medal decathalon olympian, goes back to olympics 20 later competing as female athlete, sets records for most olds all time, phelps. played by christian bale

The man in the high castle, if the south won

Grocer-er

My grocer is the grossest. He regularly sells me 144 strawberries and, although I've never seen the old man wear a shirt, he has the best/cheapest berries around.

When financial panning for long terms, how is the chance of major geo-political events taken into consideration, exe. WW1, WW2, revolution. When gambling you should take into consideration that you will lose all of your money due to, corruption, theft, confiscation, force etc. and factor that into your odds.

He has more hops than a German beer

are there any basketball players with hairy arms?

My first word was quote

You don't have the imagination to do "anything"

Q:what are your thoughts on Obama's plans to regulate?
A:Regulate what?
Q:He has intention on becoming a regulator!
A:I still dont fully understand
Q:Obama is having talks with the good dr dre about hooking up some of those warren g tracks from the vault and let him spit some verses!
A:Word? I heard he got that flow
Q:You know he spit that fire
A: and i heard he got game.
Q:What?
A:i heard he was gonna take over kenny's spot on inside and sit next to barkley
D:i heard he got a shoe deal with nike
Q:Word?
A:yeah theyre gonna make new air force ones POTUS edition.
Q:Word?
D:I heard he wears a different pair every time he takes a flight
A: i heard he's gonna sign them, send them out to all the cities around the world like jesus' cross

First set, determine audience

I dont know
Ill ask you and come back
Dont commit to an untested paradigm
What do you think about crowdwork
Some like some hate
Tension, energy
Focus redirected
The chosen compared to ideal selves

Bad words
Blasphemy?

Obsenity
The corners of my smile dont turn up all the way unless i hear the word fuck 3 times

vulgarity
Who likes shit, what about rape?
Does anybody like rape jokes? Tough to raise your hand

Remember that you are happy

Chin ho would always lose the tail, why would Dano always put him on the tail! - jeff van gundy

abortion is the worst murder and euthanasia is the best

I dont trust voters in iowa ever sense they voted gopher from the love boat into the house of representatives

Americans are the only people who cant stand racism because they tried to escape thier race and now americans dont have A race. They dont have A culture they dont have An identity. America claims to be a melting pot. When you have too many discordanate ingredients in one pot it doesnt taste very goodgood if America was a color it would be brownish-black blackish Brown and not because of the color of the skin of his people but because that's what happens when you tricolor with too many friends had too many layers of oil pastels you got a blackish brown match that doesn't look like anything

afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted

self anointed

Self-anointing wither means becoming holy or covering yourself in piss.

What is the best one-on-one sport

Its a game of moments

I feel uncomfortable doing my own thing in the context of other people. When I am around others, all of my thoughts and actions are filtered through what they might be thinking.

James, a toiling scientist and his strong willed scientist feonsey Claire, are on an darwinian adventure when their ship is taken over by pirates who kill the defiant captain crew, take what valuables they can, disable the boat and leave the pair of scientists adrift in the ocean. Soon enough, the ship crash lands on a desert isle, teeming with plant and wildlife to eat and to study. Fortunatly the pirates didn't take some key tools to survival or any books/scientific supplies. Claire puts her mind towards practical measures like creating shelture, finding a consistant food source, and figuring out how to get off the island (fire, radio, fix the ship.) James follows Claire's lead but can't keep his mind off of idealistic endeavours. A disagreement over the location for thier new abode leads to James' proposal to make a new law of the land (ala animal farm). Discussion of household duties are legaleezed. Later, the couple hunt and kill their first goat. The mother goat's kid is discovered and remorse is immediate for Claire. They take the goat in and raise it as their own. Claire brings up death as a new law. They promise never to take life. The next day they discover hoofprints in the sand.

Where any day of the week could be the best day of the year

Centaur audience
STEM couples, 18-35, novel readers, new to comics, Athiests.

instead of bolting upright in the middle of the night, I usually sink.

I only enjoy pranking people I don't like. And I like it better when they dont understand the string i am pullin

I can leave my wallet at home and walk perilous streets without worry a girl has no such option

A rumble at the strawberry festivel

the god of all women is famous for being repeatedly cheated on

I was named after the Greek god of rivers, Peneus

A costume isnt for the people looking at it, its for the person wearing it. It hides their exterior to reveal their interior.

Sexy girl sleep over.
Pillow fight begins
One girl grabs sockem boppers.
They all grab sockem boppers

The scariest thing about monsters is the new laws of nature for the monster to exist.
Ghosts, afterlife
Vampires, immortality
Frankenstien, creating life

What happened to jingles

Character sketch
Phinneas gage and his girlfriend
"youve changed"
"youre no longer gage, the gage i knew and fell in love with. Who enjoyed the opera more than stomp.

List medicically substancial yet minimaly significant changes

press button

click until you win, click until your money disappears. click until you're sad

I trained my dog to run toward me, by saying "cum ear" and that's how I developed a fetish for ears

Pampered and ravished

Guy test:
Q: What games can you play with 3 people on a basketball court.
A:21
Q: what are the rules you play by for 21
A:back to 0, put backs, 3 vs free-throw

Q:what is your favorite videogame
A:shooting or sports

Q: what supplies would you need to build a fence
A

Write a diary entry at the end of each day.

Q: e:eggs as r:____
A: Redneck

Are bag-el and bag-ette brother and sister

Thomas Jefferson was pro terrorism. "I hold it that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical."

Top 5 Biographies: The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt Surely You're joking Mr. Feynman Pimp Walden The Autobiography of P.T. Barnum

Album title: Pimping and Pandering

My new favorite cooking show is called food porn. It's 2 minute show that is only shown in the middle of 4 episodes of Wahlburgers on fyi.

I prefer lynyrd skynard to maya angelou

The objective of comedic acting should be to make the absurd seem more realistic

Jala pino grisio

A list of funny people to name your child after.
Gilgamesh
Rasputin
Tigger
Alvin (the chipmunk)
Bobcat
Kramer

Almost any rapper
Eminem
50
Twista
Trinidad
Timbaland
Biz
Swizz

Well thats the darndest thing since a pair of socks

China needs to go to war to even their gender ratio's out.

how did bob dylan get out of the mobile in the first place, for him to get trapped in it again?

Women think the gift of life is a power they posses, it is also a responsibility, an obligation, guys don't have a paternal clock. If you look at equations that determine population growth, the number of guys is not a factor. It doesn't matter if there is a billion guys, if there's only 7 girls... you're population is gonna grow at the same rate as if there was 1 guy and 7 girls.

Who buys "plus" gasoline?

There are people that I want to behave as I suspect them to, and there are people whom I love to be surprised by.

How has Bob Dylan's perspective on "the changing and passing over time" changed over time? How have his songs changed to him purely through perspective shift

people don't wear seat belts because they don't want to be reminded that that they could crash Like when Luke took a philosophy class. He didn't like philosophy because in class they were debating if not you would still be yourself if you died in a crazy motorcycle accident and had to get a new body. He used to want a motorcycle but now he doesn't.

3d magic eye video

"Where black is the color and none is the number, I met a young girl. She gave me a rainbow." - Bob Dylan

The reason there is such a tradition of jewish comedians is because jews are smarter than normal humans so they seek out more mentally stimulating entertainment than the hammer and bell that most of society leaps at.

What is the most intellectual mainstream? Depth x breadth
Computer nerds?
Engineers?
New Yorker subscribers?
Millionaires?
NPR listeners > 1h/w?
Jews?

Conservative abortion stance should be limited government involvement which is my opinion even though i personally believe it is morally wrong I believe people are entitled and should form their own morality.

People who think it is morally right to perform abortions because it is better for society, better for the potential guardians, and that child is spared a wretched life, shouldn't they also then logically believe in the death penalty for criminals serving life sentences.

Get mimi an outfit made from rice burlap sack

What were the Vegas odds on assassination for each presidential term

Louie and Cosby were #2 and #1 stand-ups in my mind at 20, because they were both the best at understanding children and using silence. Louie does a kids say the darnedest things tour, it can be serious Shoot it like "Todd Barry's Crowd Work Tour""Chris Rock- Kill The Messenger" with as much variation in kids and venues as possible

Im glad im not french or italian or people would know that Im drunk all the time. Thats probably why they kiss on the cheek as a hello. Typical italian mother, loving yet suspicious

When did superman ever "bound"? Doesn't he always fly?

"Things that put hair on your chest." - My grandfather Eating bread crust, Chopping wood, Whiskey, Watching hockey, Waking up early, Taking cold showers, Playing outside, Eating Wheaties with Cream, Shooting a gun, Sun on your back, Carrying heavy things.

Whiskey

Whiskey is a good name for a cat

when you are an adult you can buy a balloon at any time. Young children are baffled that this ability is not more frequently exercised. What if I walked around with a balloon all the time? What if I tied it to my back belt loop so it would float behind my head and then I would pretend I didn't know it was there.

All of a sudden I felt like I just got 3rd in the 200 in 68

Even in "Beach Boy", idealized america, there were still fights at the football game. "Some loud bragger tried to put me down. He said his school was great!"

My dog taught me how to win at staring contests. Lock eyes for 5 seconds and then bark.

It's much harder to think of things you don't know or things that you haven't seen or things that don't exist.

I've never seen someone wear denim overalls and a fresh white-t in the city

If i had a bar i would name it the hoosgow

Bicycle insurance should be mandatory

More vague than a vaugrant.

Confusion, questioning, persuasion, devaluation, dismissal, deception, avoidance, repentance/vindictive

Beauty an the BeastMode

Exactally as cool as the other side of the pillow

Hoary

Your clothes are awfully hoary today. (grayish white and old)

DON’T PAUSE, read like a run on sentance. Pace like a girl in exasperated mood swing monologue conversation.,

So?! How many of you have been enjoying the sun?!?!! Of course, I have too, but like, I’m soo pale right now. I burn like right away. If I'm outside for more than like 20 minutes at a time I would legit look like a lobster right now. I’m so glad my job has heat AND a/c so it's always, like, the perfect temperature. My skin would not make it if I had to work outside. I mean if I was a slave and I had to pick cotton in the sun all day? Ugh! my skin would get so sunburnt! and your chance of getting skin cancer can go up like 100% if it gets burnt more than 5 times. Plus, I love eating ice cream and you don't get any ice cream if you're slave. I mean I don’t even think they even give you gatorade!? I would be so dehydrated without my electrolytes! Ugh! When I get dehydrated I get really bad headaches, I don’t even want to think about it. If you're a slave I don’t think you get healthcare coverage, not even under Obama Care or if you lived in Cuba. I mean I don’t get dental at my office but I do get a good 401k but I don’t thinks slaves get any bennies like my friend Jenny, who works at Denny’s. She has to wear this ick tacky uniform even on casual Fridays. I guess that's a good thing about being a slave, its like, always casual friday. You just wear the same clothes every day. It would be kind of freeing not to have to choose what  to wear every day. When you're a slave you don't have to look pretty. It would be so nice not to have to do my hair do my in the morning. Actually, I would want to look as unpretty as possible because I wouldn't want to get raped. I mean that would be a major bummer if just because I'm so naturally hot that even with nappy hair all the boys would still want to rape me. Its a real curse being so beautiful. Not that most of YOU would understand.

I wouldn’t be able to read my magazines.

you know what would suck about being a slave? 1. No ice cream a. I love ice cream 2. No sunscreen a. My skin would be so sunburnt, and your chance of getting skin cancer can go up 100% if it gets burnt too many times! 3. No Gatorade a. I’m gonna be bummin without my electrolytes if I’m going to be working outside all day. 4. No retirement benefits a. What am I going to do when I can’t work 5. Aren’t allowed to read or right a. How am I going to know what happens in the next issue of superman b. How am I going to be able to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ i. I’m going to go to hell or at least limbo 6. If you are a girl you might be a sex slave a. Work on your back all day, ugh? My knees would be killing me. 7. Lashings a. Ouchie! 8. You don’t reap what you sow a. That’d be like working at target and then at the end of the week you don’t even a paycheck 9. Being called a nigger a. That would hurt my feelings a lot. 10. You get separated from your family a. Who’s gonna pay for all my stuff? i. My netflix!?

There’s a lot of bad things about slavery, but sometimes you gotta look on the bright side of life and find the silver lining on that cloud. 1. You get to be outside all day a. I have to work inside at my job, I’m not even by a window 2. Get in great shape a. Think how ripped your lats would be if you got to chop wood and dig ditches all day 3. Don’t have to make decisions a. I have so many decisions to make i. Should I get married and have kids? ii. What job should I get? iii. Where should I live? iv. When should I get up in the morning? v. What should I eat for breakfast? vi. How fast should I walk? 4. Dancing and singing with all your friends in spiritual harmony a. When we go to the club my friends never want to dance 5. Don’t have to pay rent a. My rent now is taking like half my paycheck

"You Know What the Worst Thing About Being a Slave Is? They Make You Work All Day but They Don't Pay You or Let You Go. "

poe

lay on your side and think you feel footsteps but then you realize it's just your heartbeat

I'm embarrassed by my dog's name. I call him something else around company so they don't know. When he doesn't respond I just say that he's stupid. Id rather have people think i have a stupid dog than a dog with a stupid name.

Bring back the haypenny

"the only thing you should put in your ear is your elbow wrapped in a turkish towel"- Francis Fitzmaurice

What if every 4 years you had to get elected to keep your job. And you had to get other people to fund your campaign. How would this motivate employees. How would different election processes have different motivational skews? What is the electing body, what are candidates judged by, are there parties and how influential are party lines? What is the org chart within the business, of the business within the market sector?
How would political parties translate to businesses.

What business sector should I choose. One where the task of the job has as little affect on the plot of the story. Accounting? Grisham did law.

Write in alice and wonderland, gogol, absurdist beaurocracy style.

Its stereotypical for a teenager to be embarrassed by their parents, but they are actually embarrassed by themselves and their parents pride and publicizing is interpreted as publicizing of shame.

Dan Sanders

eric sean

sure i'd like to talk politics but first i'd like to establish that I am against a bicameral legislature i think that bicameral legislature is enough to make 90% of people not listen to the end of this sentence.

What is the most difficult psychological aspect of being a slave.

Mating season

animal have seasons when they have sex, for human's its open season. can you imagine if you could only fuck between march and june? Well, its spring time, and you know what that means, animals get to have sex. Can you imagine if you could only have sex between April and August? Do you know what that first day of "mating season would be like after 8 months of pent up frustration? Can you imagine how much you would get done during those other months if you just knew that any chance of sex was off the table. And how much time you would invest in making sure that you were ready when mating season came around. You'd make as much money as you can for those 8 months just so you could blow it during mating season like college kids on spring break. you see it's still part of our nature, we as humans aren't above it, we are part of nature. There's this phenomenon I've noticed. At the beginning of of the warm season you wear your most revealing clothes and get a base tan line and then you wear progressively less and less revealing clothes until its Christmas Eve and you can't put your arms down. When mating season was over we would eat like bears storing up for hibernation. Compare and contrast mating I think France might be like this already. Everyone in France takes at least 2 months off in the summer, and knowing those dirty french I can't imagine the dirty things they do.

sour is the taste of Russia

Are you interested in my one word first impression of you? No? Alright, I'mma be around for a little while, if you change your mind come find me,, my name is James. but so you know it is a compliment.

Bill vs Bob

Bill Burr and Bob Kelly say the exact same things except bill says it like hes the quarterback in a huddle and bobby tells it like Pavaratti. "Gk dude here's what you need to do, its fuckin over dude. Go straight back, and tell that animal to pack up their things, it's fuckin over. Dump em' by the side of the road and move on with your day. Just think, in two hours it will all be over and you can have a beer/cake." the difference is bill then goes "but you know I'm just some dumb comic, you probably shouldn't listen to me." and bob will turn around and slip on a banana peel. "you know what dude, all you need to do is eat a banana in the morning get some potassium in ya, take your dog for a walk get those fuckin wheel in motion."

Sausage

All I need to eat is the grind, the meat, the spice, the heat. Life ain't sweet, it's savory. So you should savor each beat of the heart, and every spark you breath into flame that beats back the dark.

All I need to eat is the meat and the cleaver. The rest? Y'all can leave it to Beaver.

I believe in wherewolves. Have you heard of The Island of Dr Moreau? What about Josef Mengele? And how do you think modern medicine compares with 1942?
Expand premise to modern day sci-fi in an "exercise in youthful blasphmy"
Island of taboo/blasphmy? Human mutation? Genetically modified humans? Early human genetic experiments? Photosynthesis (violet you're turning violet) transexuals, extra-sensory? What are the limitations? Cyborg or bio-mechinacal? Can only affect a certain percentage of the genome. Conflict, scientist is on the verge os a potentually nefarious but well intentioned breakthrough but gets trapped by his own creation (frankenstein, nobel, heart of darkness)
Cyborg Moreau?
What is the perspective of the main character/limited narrator? Heart of darkness or frankenstein, (what is the fear, being mutated (loss of identity) or losing control?)? What about gattica? Planet of the apes? Which would be better for Paul Allen? What if I wrote four short stories, Frankenstein/Jurassic Park, apocolypse now, planet of the apes, and gattica?
Lord of the flies, black stallion? Constitutional Convention?

Hms beagle for 2, black stallion, frankenstein, jurassic park, island of dr moreau, apocolypse now, lord of the flies, x men, constitutional convention, planet of the apes, gattica.
Each chapter from a different character's perspective.

Avatar?

Kiss my little elephant dick before I'm celebate. Sell a brick and fiddle in hell just for the hell of it.

Anne Mcclain is my schwartz cousin

Keith Robinson is a schtumping Danny Glover

Ka-baller

Amish character who turns 18 in 2080. The reader learns about the future through innocent ignorant eyes.

Name your daughter "Mom" and it will be more difficult for boys to think of her sexually... or she'll marry a Pavlovian pervert

ask politicans at debates to compare and contrast two distinct stances on an issue. not looking for thier opinion but thier rational ability

As the ability to answer questions becomes ubiquitous, the ability to ask questions becomes increasingly pertinent.
"specific knowledge is the cheapest ........" napoleon hill

tracy morgan "legendary"

ghengis kublai and james caan

In what ways are these activities different? Reading something you wrote, Reading something someone else wrote

Im on the red tie team

Gouverneur Morris would support trump. Businessmen should be the politicians because they run the country anyway so at least it would be more in the open.

God is Great, God is Good; Let us thank Him for our food allahu akbar allahu good, let us thank him for our food

mcleary supreme court case stranger article update

What you choose to say that appears to be an attempt to convince another is actually a projection of your own insecurities. You are justifying, rationalizing and reinforcing your own opinions to yourself.

I am virulently in favor of semitism

write a bill burr "no sympathy" bit

how many blind people are deaf? vise versa?

floor lights vs ceiling lights

what do I need a fit bit for? I can get walkamatic for a $1 out of the back of a comic book

funny storytelling=standup. what if the objective were a slightly different emotion

i used to work for comcast but they fucked me so to get them back, I kept my id number and i can reconfiure like 30% of peoples accounts so that they pay less. Come see me on one of my buddies and we'll see if we can hook you up and fuck over comcast.

pitching bad sketches jake and amir style

Mr rogers visits a rap studio. everyone is cordial but uses rap lingo.

what would life be like if you lived by an Apophatic theology

charles barkley "interesting"

ask tj miller what he thinks about Gaulier's thought that the ideal performance for a bouffon would be one in which the audience was wildly entertained, went home, realized that their lives were meaningless and committed suicide.

the curry effect. number of long 3's taken during ncaa tourney compared to historic rates

bracket where calling upsets is worth double

emogi's used by passengers of 911...

Elvis sings Mr. Rogers

are most people good or bad? go up to 10 people on the street and ask them for the time

Erotic stories for the blind. Traditional porn doesn't work for the blind, neither do visual descriptors.

Tosh.0 for hbo or netflix. Any video goes

#1 1-2 punch: "rock bottom" to "people's elbow"

Person, place or thing? Arent people and places "things". Thing is the least descriptive word in the english language.

mail man vs male lady

cant cant I cant do the cant cant I can't do the can't cant, not I can't Now with a cockney accent!

whenever there's a war, girls' clothing gets less material

a pencil thin van dyke like galliano

I'm bringing back the bustle

the truth is whatever I can get you to believe it is

Hi haters

you know what kanye said 50 said

if you reading a written rhyme, you didn't work on it hard enough. you didn't work on it as hard as you could

reverse bosom buddies

god damnation

damn is short for damnation

My brother used to butter both sides of the bread. My mother used to work under cover for the feds

nike should sign obama #airforce1

I dont know who I am but people seem to like the facade, maybe I do too

Callipygous

As a dog will recognize its master in any clothes, I see god in every living thing

The figurehead doesn't steer the boat or give it power, but it breaks the waves of opposition. this is why I think trump will be an effective leader. he can be passionate and confident in whatever direction is chosen for him. This is why Donald Trump will be a good president.

"I love working with the handicapped..." is just as bigoted and descriminatory as "I hate working with the handicapped."

A good comic book is like a Capri Sun you get two maybe three good sips and then its over and you want another one

You never see quicksand as a plot device anymore

read the bible

How many people here have read the bible? Man, that’s a tough thing to do, read the whole bible. There’s so many pages to turn and then you have to learn so many names. But there’s people out there who not only read the whole book but even have parts of it memorized. I couldn’t imagine doing something so boring. But it seemed like he enjoyed doing it. I was trying to figure out the difference between us and I think I figured out the source of my motivation problem. You see I don’t believe in heaven and I don’t believe in hell. But I imagine if I did, I would be very inspired.. If someone came up to you and said, "if you read this book you will go to heaven and if you dont youll go to hell." I think id really like that book. Especially if it was the only book you had access to and it so popular that it was pretty much all that anyone was talking about. I think id read that book. Even if i didnt know how to read Id read that book. Id just start flipping the pages, hoping that if counts, wondering what the symbols mean and what knowledge the could unlock. So I guess what Im saying is, the bible could be the most popular book of all time and be the most boring book of all time

yippee kanye

Kanye loves Kanye

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWS3XbkBZjs kanye knows exactly how his fans (me) feel. Who would know the mind of a Kanye-fan better than the biggest fan of Kanye, himself. Listen once as if you are singing karaoke to Kanye, and then listen as if Kanye the fan is singing to Kanye the man. He leaves us wondering, why can't he go back to the way it was?

Indian BURN

Is the term "Indian burn" racist? What is another term for it?

I miss you like daniel whitney misses sleeves.

Do you think when larry the cable guy goes on vacation he wears turtlenucks?

His wit, like a whip, was quick as a quip, and just as smart.

Disseminated=de-semen-ated

Infomercial for suicide
Openng scene. Two guys on a hike. one guy smoking a cigarette I give up! You can't give up we're almost there. (sits down on floor) I give up You have to move sometime, you can't just live on this spot forever. Going for a walk isn't really something you can quit. sure I can. my doctor prescribed this medicine. (pull out pill box) He said that with this pill you can quit anything you want. plus it's organic let me see that. do you think it could help me quit smoking? (throws the cigarette on the ground and grabs the box) my doctor said it can help you quit anything. so, it's says its an all natural, organic, hemlock extraction sounds good to me. alright lets give it a try (both guys take the pills and immediately start twitching and frothing at the mouth before dropping dead on the floor> are you tired of trying to quit but you find yourself falling back into old habits? how many times have you tried to quit drinking (foaming/convulsing death while holding a beer), quit a job (death at the office), or even get out of a bad relationship (death holding flowers in front of girlfriend)? With suicide on your side, you can quit anything! Are you tired of making your bed every morning, tired of arguing with your parents, or tired of that long commute. Thanks to Socrates' all natural, organic, hemlock extraction you can quit them all with a single pill! lying dead on the floor testamony ""

I want to see a buss full of dummies go through a series of crash tests

My favorite porno is the one where the girl is like, "um, excuse me, mr black man, would you kindly come in and bust up this here chiffarobe for me." and he does but then comes in and busts something else as well ... and then she gets pregnant, and then she tells the town it was rape, and then a courageous white man argues for justice and civil libirties of man and the jury says "not guilty" and then.. I cum.

Weekend at bernies (sanders) where he is incapable of becoming a puppet

Movie where black celebrites decide to run for house of rep in their districts and form a power block

Petition for obama as nba commish.
Pay, fun, boss of billionairs, fun, people want it, help black communities.

Funniest "smart movie"?

Jackass=funniest all time

What is terrible for the world is great for satire

Do you think more about heaven or hell

People are able to drudge throigh the bible because it satisfies the viceral need to go to heaven if you read it and hell if you dont.
The bible induces lethergy when the reader does not want to believe in god

How man people here have read the bible? That shits hard am I right. And I think my problem is, that I dont believe in heaven or hell. But I imagine if I did it would be the greatest book of all time. If someone came up to you and said, "if you read this book you will go to heaven and if you dont youll go to hell." I think id really like that book. Especially if it was the only book you had access to and it so popular  that it was pretty much all that anyone was talking about. I think id read that book. Even if i didnt know how to read Id read that book. Id just start flipping the pages, hoping that if counts, wondering what the symbols mean and what knowledge the could unlock. So I guess what Im saying is, the bible could be the most popular book of all time and be the most boring book of all time

In latin there are many more compound words than english, even more so in Chinese

Award shows are portentios and lugubrious.

Salutations to the Misses see you later adios arrivederci Aloha and get the f*** out and you don't have to go home but you cant stay here

Is there a written form of english that can express cadance or tonality?

Spirit of st louis obisbo

How come, when I want to find out "Is the guy is in the movie I'm watching was also the guy from that Brad Pitt movie?" it could take me 5-10 minutes, but if I want to find that porno where a girl with a butterfly tattoo on her wrist sucks a dick on a red couch I can find it in three clicks?

History should be taught from the end back, rather than from the beginning foreward. The starting point of a new field of knowledge should attach itself to a context of what is already known. Also, when a consequence is known it is simple to uncover its cause, not as easy in reverse or our plans would never lead to mistakes and our hindsight would not be 20-20.

when thinking "im doing something wrong" gets associated with sex, Kinky consequences.

I'm starting a rumour, that I was the guy in the ponytail on that fleetwood mac album

It's not a very good joke but at least not very many people even understood it

Ralph waldo Emerson said that with the exception of educational purpose, travel is a fools paradise. If you are traveling to escape, you can not escape yourself. What do you look forward too, the landing or the takeoff?

don delillo "sine cosine tangent"

She said something about the boring state of Wednesdays throughout the world. A little ash, at minimum expense, and a Wednesday, here and there, she said, becomes something to remember. a secondhand paperback crammed with huge and violent emotions in small, crowded type Did I want to be curious, amused, indifferent, superior? I used to watch her guide the device over the back of her cloth coat. I tried to define the word “roller” without sneaking a look in the dictionary. I decided to wait a while before asking, thinking of her as one spelling one day, the other spelling the next day, and trying to determine whether it made a difference in the way I thought of her, looked at her, talked to her, and touched her. I practiced at home, walking haltingly room to room, tried not to revert to normal stride after I rose from a chair or got out of bed. It was a limp set between quotation marks, and I wasn’t sure whether it was intended to make me visible to others or just to myself. This was the unseeable texture of a life, except that I was seeing it.

Stephen Stills looks like Bob Odenkirk

Oh eM Gee golly dosh darn

Communist catch 22

How would society be different if becoming a doctor was easy but to become a garbage man took years of study

Red hammer

No one wants to admit that they are biased. No one thinks their opinions are wrong.

Domineering mothers buy their young kids jackets with hoods so there is more scuff of neck to grab and direct.

I would rather be interesting than honest

Door to door investment sales. Market like lottery tickets. Make comparisons to early investors in Microsoft and Amazon. Act now for a higher percentage which goes down with every new investor

In defense of man-spreading.

Brian Wilson is not dead he's just went back to bed and when people look for him he hides under the covers

The reason you don't see fat old people has very to do with the death rates of morbid obesity but rather are telling of the deterioration of old age. Have you ever seen noticed how there are no tall old people. I believe it is better to store up while you're young.

I support the troops. I support all the troops. I support all the troops from every country.

Thomas Jefferson will only fight in the octagon

braunschwager

I got Lebron swagger (le braunschwager)

old people unable to hear their loud voice leading to embarrassment of people around them

My office is a hall of mirrors

Am I racist?

My favorite basketball player in John Stockton, my favorite rapper is Eminem and my favorite comic from "In Living Color" was Jim Carrey. Am I racist?

ask jlo and linda rondstat about jim carrey

a rich guy has a bad day

The worst part about going to a football as a kid is that you were eye level with a crowd of a million guys asses

I forgive Cosby. WWJD?

character: a confidant magician who's trick is obvious video editing

A mirror for touch

Scheherazade weaves a character arc like a sign wave

"I only like metal and the beach boys"- some random girl I met once

Podcast that is only commercials

Restaurant Puns

Jamaican me thirsty
Frank n stein

Eskimos should have a million ways to cook blubber (muktuk) just like how they have 100 words for snow, but most of them just eat it frozen

coughing break during piano recitals

All i do is Nguyen

In the future paper is banned and all writing must be electronic so the government can access it

Jack Black as Keith Stone

"I grew up when Franklin Roosevelt was always the president and Joe Lewis was always the champ" Hawkeye

"I don't make money so I can count it, I make money so I can roll in it"- Kevin Taylor

Train Bus

What if buses were designed like trains with detachable segments. Logistical flexibility double plus good

I was too afraid of being a coward to quit.
Still motivated by fear but applied in the opposite direction