piss dream

do you know what the universally scariest dream is. Ill give you a hint it takes place in the bathroom. The scariest dreams are when you are going to the bathroom and you realize that you are in a dream, for a second you freak out cause you don't know if you are pissing in real life and you kinda don't want to wake up to find out.

South park did it first. Chef/Isaac Hayes singing why do birds suddenly appear.

make album called white moses rapping over only issac hayes covers

football suicide

hey johnny manzel, suicide is painless. Johnny mandel wrote the song suicide is painless, theme for mash

bill murry ballgame

Ask bill murry if he wrote take me out to the ballgame. actually billy murry

with his shoures soote

some people say, live every day like it your birthday i live every day like its april fools

god vs heaven

i believe in god but not heaven

black cops

a cure to racism is a cool black cop movie that convinces black people to become dissproportinate percent cops and the power swings the other way

Compare complaining about a comedian who talk about serious topics to someone who complains about the president talking about problems

bill burr

do people ever mistype bill burr as bill butt

anyone watch porn, anyone have like a fovorite pornstar, isnt it sad when you realize your favorite pornstar is now a milf. Its kinda sad cause it goes by so quick but they make up for doing "sandman comin with a hook" crazy porn

The one that got away

I was walking home alone the other day, you know like how people do when nobody loves you, and I was thinking, what age did I reach that I no longer became kidnap material. I used to always be worried and I would plan out what I'd do. "(Act out different scenarios people would think)" only I was a kid and didt realize how the world works, so all my plans were predicated on the idea that the kidnapper would have to listen to me  and I could then make my case for why I would be bad kinap material, then he would be like "but you have already seen my face" so then I had two plans, one for if he was when wearing a mask and one if he wasn't. But all this was stupid because, if you've ever seen a kidnapping,  whats the first thing they do, (act out covering over mouth) and iys because, if yhey didn't smart kids would always be outsmarting them. (Act out conversation between two kidnapping pedophiles in "the fish that got away story tones. Ending with "and then he started quoting (outlandish philosophy text) and (theory within the text) just made too much god darn sence. Kidnapper 2 consoles #1 by explaining how its the thrill of the hunt.

transition into when do guys no longer become kindap targets, being a young boy is likek being a girl for kidnap/rape

michael jordan or lebron james, i went to africa and saw a kid with a broncos superbowl champions jersy you know how they make the shirts before the game and give away the wrong ones to africa well i found the place they sendin em to I saw a "insrt upset championships here" and to each one I said michael jordan, he said lebron james. so i bough all the shirts and opened up an ironic vintage shirt store and make millions of ironic hipsters told in chris rock style voice

online sketch where you ring a neighbors doorbell and have pitchforks and torches but asking in a very modern way "would you like to ???? an protest the new science building that is creating a frankenstien monster?"

anyone ever aksed you what's your first memory, memory before thought is mostly action, how to make youir heart beat, lungs breath, i still remember all of that, spectacularly, in fact most of the time i do it without even thinkin. you ever try to make your heart stop just by thinking about it?... I don't know if its physically impossible or mmentally impossible but i was on acid onetime and thats some scary shit. (Ask audience about first memory at some point) so most of our first memories are reflexes, like whn your doctor hits a hammer. Anyone know first reflexes you learn as a Grasping rooting sucking? These reflexes still apply and you can use them today. Did you know that when you rub a baby's cheek they will suck your finger? You( point at hot chick) your boyfriend ever slap you in the face with his dick? (whatever answer) You SUck it!' baby?

naked yoga studio for advanced yoga practitioners only

sean john= shan jahn

Did Diddy build the Taj Mahal?

Are you gay if you let another man suck your strap on?

You ever see the episode of house of cards where they disignin the money and the masons are fighting the illuminati over who gets to put their symbols on which ones. NO!

Dennis Miller = Richard Belzer

Can you imagine imaginary world can you go in and look around what can you look for what are you looking for in a fish in C's Financial Accounting ridiculousness comedy contradictions lawyers

You ever wonder what people in different stages in time and economic stature would masturebate to. Exe a caveman or darke ages peasent vs king

the king gets to have everyone in his kindom do what he wants so he gets to fantasize about degrading shit make a parade and a holday dedicated. peasants, they just get to fantasize

Free with gold; toy soldiers fight cold war

Would you rather kenny vs spenny type show

Ask hottest girl at bar to be your wingman for second hottest. They compete and you double win

The real tiger woods question is if you think he got girls in school

All I want for Christmas

The most significant gift is one from a poor child

Andy Richter s scale is logarithmic

people elbow

mony python type "top 3 peopl'es elbow" first 2 random pictures, 3dr dwane's people's elbow

not kidding

couples that have kids and then think the tricks they pull on their kids will work on you. exe spelling out secrets.

HI-5

SNL has many opportunites for cool hi-5's.

AA

I joined AA. Not what i thought it was. I thought it was a place you could go and drink and your girl and family wouldn't find out. Like the KKK but instead of secretly being rasist you drink. instead of hat speach drinking! instead of lynchin, you get the idea. But what it really happened was instead of drinking ananomously. You sit in a circle and hear depressing stories.

Pant fear

When do you first wear a belt. Do people wear belts because they are afraid of their pants from being pulled down.

Alphabet burp

if a kid tells you he can burp the alphabet make him do it it's more painful for you at first but trust me it's worse for him by the end and hopefully he will have learned his, yes I'm sure its boy, lesson

Boring school

There isnt an epidemic of kids having add there is an epidemic of schools being boring. nobody can maintain my attention for that long I can't even fit in a business meeting for more than an hour without a donut I can barely entertain you guys on the stage for 5 minutes at four and a half now im being generous. The teachers do have an advantage though, they have a bank of knowledge that is infinite to drop on anything they can bring up to entertain these kids but you something that's interesting to every kid in a classroom and fitz within the testing requirements no wonder kids talk in class

OG Johnson

OG Lynden Johnson

melancholera

melancholera, the final stages of melancholy where all the shit dwelled upon removes itself through diaria until only a shell remains

If only one person was witness, did it really happen?

Water vs paper

Daniel tosh Style joke making fun of people who don't use bdays

black women sufferage

black women are the reason women got sufferage, cause white women wern't strong enough. we needed to wait 60 years when black women could be brought up with freedom to realize they didn't get the whole deal. the only thing that holds back black women is guns. that's why the hood has so many guns, its not for the gang violence, its to hold down their bitches.

letter of complaint

There are many people living cloistered lives where they try to convince themselvess that it is normal but naturally they need some form of release. When they are lashing out against something they are religously or philisophically opposed to, sometimes in reality they are getting the only contact they are allowed with a taboo subject. I think that people who write letters of complaint are getting off, looking for parts within a show that arouse them and then having an excuse to write the down and recall particularly salacious moments. Its like fan fiction for the cloistered. there should be more awareness brought to this so that they can change outlets and we can have fun. actually i like the balance, if there wasn't someone to make a line, how could we tow it? A great character to flash to when the main show is close to the line.

Diet newspaper article

The way nutrient % are calculated is making people fat. "the EAR (estimated average requirement) daily intake is not a goal but rather a tool" to set the amount the take the median of people (so half get too much half not enough) at a level right below "a specific indicator of excess". The reccomended diatary allowance is set to be at this level for 98-99% of people or 2SD above the already excessive EAR. http://www.nal.usda.gov/fnic/DRI/Essential_Guide/DRIEssentialGuideNutReq.pdf

Hardwood floors

Ask the girls if the carpet match the curtains she said yes and asked the same back to me I said no carpets I just got that hardwood

Basketball Song

Basketball Jones Remix

Bring Back Jared's

Bring back "can you hear me now?" guy. Still applicable today instead of coverage maps. Companies need a Jared. Jared is the only one.

Bad Segue

This is my impression of a bad Segway? Jump on mic stand and act out of control Segway to falling off cliff.
So, speaking of death...

Inspired by the quote,"shoot for the moon and even if you miss youll land among the stars" and Just redinvented olberins paradox. Proposed explinations, either a finite universe or... space dust. (also redshift)

Halloween

Son of man Halloween costume

Too cool for school, cool in 15 yrs

Find out what's popular in the youth by asking the too cool kids what they don't like

Are there isolated primative white tribes?