time flies when your having fun is wrong, it's backwards, when you're having fun looking back on a short period of time seems longer.

what if the n word had a silent k

call someone twinkletoes beacuse autistic not gay. or say someone is tiptoing when exhibiting autistic tendencies.

drinking water is one of the main things of life. its the meaning of life, it solves all my problems and is exactly what I need. water is the cheapest most satisfying thing after sleep

english dub crime patrol

an even more briefer history of time

replace lover cliches with lubber and make them about pirates and make t-shirts

time machine games

pirate radio from the 20's that did audio porn

fucc friends song over friends intro video

james explains every joke (hurcules) (blazing saddles)

food fights are an evolutionary cure for depression

how many licks youtube channel

big, sol, camilla, anna, fernanda toe names

all ads podcast

Where do we all learn that immortality would be bad?

someone told me I look like Christopher Atkins from blue lagoon

cast iron peter pan 2

I was in Mexico and I tried to find a home depo. There was only one and it was shaped like a pentagon.

Tandem stilts

Front to back like a horse, or one on double top.

korchnoi mirror glasses

have you ever read a book and not used a bookmark, just been like, "I'll find it".

2020 the summer of hats

the alzheimer ward, where memories leave but they don't enter

if my son goes to school and cathces the coronavirus and dies can I sue the school

Who's the oldest child you know?( In a good way)

Uncle Bruce

The amount of exposition they give Yu-Gi-Oh is the amount I need for chess.

Can I get less front teeth from Santy Clause this year?

Did Jesus have all the classic signs of suicidal, always thinking of others and never himself, giving away all his possession, no one who really 'knows' him. Surrounded by yesmen, death at 33. Dying on the cross was like suicide by cop.

Did Doug Benson hit one year too early? Why the drop-off?

Is there more rape culture in Prison or Military?

Grandmother, what big cock you have. All the better to fuck you with my dear.

When I'm born again I want my first words to be "happy birthday" just like my hero, frosty the snowman

Thomas hells yefferson

Only the disabled (cripples) should be allowed to be musicians

A scrren door slammed in the distance and Alice's dog barked.

"Who is it?" Alice called out to what was assuredly no one

"No one of consequence!" She called back in a mock plaintive voice.

"Well that's certainly decidedly so. I've never meet anyone of consequence in all my life, the only people I meet are reactionaries. How doubly unlikely that a scrren door is actually a person and that person is some one of consequence! 

when are the search history leaks gonna come out?

Peanut butter on soles of feet have dog lick off

Never forget that's my motto. Me and 9/11 have the same motto. Me 9/11 and elephants. That's something that we all have in common.

i had a dream where someone shaved my beard and then blacked it out way thicker and no one believed me

Democrat need to come up with a great hat

I can piss in a pot I got shit in the pan.

The only way I'll retire is as the Michilian Man

Jokes about the difficulties of being a comedy club waitress

If there's a Holocaust museum there should also be an American slavery museum

"Made you look" label maker

Or graffiti

Message in a bottle

"Made you look" on the back of a resume

Made you look your guide

The secret police but it's all gossip.

If someone asks if I can do an impression do Peter Faulk, lazy eye "just one more thing, princess buttercup"

Speak Japanese "coconut, samurau

Bees are made 100% out of honey.

Like humans evolved from the primordial ooze, bees evolved out of honey.

What came first, the honey or the bee? The pollen needs the bee to become honey, but the been needs honey to live.

Too dirty to burn

How come I've never seen old buildings with the old racist plumbing?

One of the easiest things to remember is the play-by-play of a game you experienced. Especially a game in which you exhibit mastery. 

This is a reason chess grandmasters seem to have such impressive memories while the average NBA players exhibits a similar level of skill. 

How many virgins are on earth? Probably more than in heaven.

Borche is Short for abortion

"justice is a judgement that is both fair and forgiving"

Why don't alcoholics move to Muslim countries?

They compare gun laws between the us and countries lake Japan. But what they forget is that in Japan everyone already knows karate. They're armed and dangerous 24/7. Every Japanese citicen carries two leathel weapons at all times. When you know that even the most feeble 85 year old can pull your heart out your esophagus with a pluck of a chopstick, all of a sudden, your'e showing a lot more respect.

create calling cards to leave behind that say "Happy to be back in your mind. Just reminder that you've never left my heart."

a kid runs out of school to go to the woods to secretly draw a picture of Muhammed in the sand. Out of nowhere musselman repels from the trees. He pulls out a long blade and asks, "Is that a drawing of Muhammed" No, the boy says waveringly. Then who is it?! Boy decays into a diatribe on the existential discussion bout the meaning of truth in perspective and rt. He rambles for over a minute s the video unfocuses and fades to black.

what would it look like if fill my neck with gold rings

Turtles<Chinese people who recycle straws and turn them into hats. 

Porn but it's shot like a spaghetti western. Back and forth zoom head shots 

ghoonghat sounds like derogatory slang

Trump is spending quarentine at Disneyland

Rank movies 1-10 on geyness scale

Cosby in prison does stand up album in Folsom

Making fun of bad comedy is more fun than watching good comedy

I hate when I like something and then I find out it's been an alegory the whole time

Everyone in the entire family has to vote on a name for the new child.

One of these things is not like the other

Said the court, quote, "It is not elements of rape, leprosy or sexual immorality which should attract the censor's scissors, but how the theme is handled"

What percentage of autistic people are gay

B 52 realtor: tin roof, rustic

Tone policing is a form of gaslighting

What if the big Jordan doc coming out is all post basketball gambling stories.

Transition between short story vignettes with crowd sceens to a zoom in on new character

The deer Hunter, but the scene where Walken is playing Russian roulette for money call n front of the crowd, camera pans the croud and amoung the sea is Michael Jordan, shouting Mao right next to the Viet. Pan past pan back focus close up, the storyline shifts to a completely different, Michael Jordan gambling in Asia stories.

This is the punishment dfor no one keeping their new years resolutions

Measure 3 times cut once. If you measure twice and they are two different you need to measure again

Movie where everyone in the cast has knuckle tattoos

What's the most complicated lullaby

Millennials will be the first generation to pull of a quarentine. We've been training in physical isolation our whole lives 

I like whimsy but it's a bit delicate

Prefer eccentricity

Is whimsy feminine and eccentric masculine?

Bad news makes me sleepy

Key and Peele sketch

start with marshawn eating skittles before going out on the field

Then escalates

Candy bracelet

Necklaces made of candy

Ring pops

I'm not usually on the side of promoting the military budget but can we get some emergency spending for the Army Medical Corp?

I have a feeling they're going to be overwhelmed in the next few months

We should have doctor reserves like we have army reserves instead of in case of war, in case of pandemic. 

How many military doctors do we have?

Is it against the law to go in the wrong bathroom

There was a point in my life when my nose was growing into my feild of vision and I thought I was going cross eyed

Absolute values are lazy. They only work half the time

Things in my own words from yesty.

Time is a spiral: asymptote

Set up the background then the person: elepsis

Adjust height/tilt: eyelevel is unoriginal

The thing I'm most impressed with when I see content is if I think "how did they write this"

 or even better if I can see exactly how and it still seems out of reach

"The spiral" is "the asymptote"

How did they write clouds and flowers. It's my favorite part.

One leg vignette :)

It's easier to lie when you're wearing sunglasses

I start a relationship with break-up sex

Reach into opposite back pocket for phone and start spinning around like a dog chasing it's tail

Open set with: "I almost cut my hair... it happened just the other day.

Pro tip: if you don't have a vaccuum, just roll a wheely chair down your hallway and your guests will think you cleaned up for them.

Crime patrol instead of solving crimes with technology, they do it with racism and police brutality

The problem with talking to nerds is that they are uninteresting and the talk too fast. Makes you wanna say "slow down and shit up"

Better corn, pop or pepper?

What's the deal with the Y? You can play basketball and kids can get swimming lessons.

Hannah looks like she'd challenge everyone in this place to an arm wrestling contest and call you a bitch if you said no and. A pussy when when she slams your arm into the table 

Is DC a district in Columbia? How

What's the best shape for a gummy to be in?

Wrong, airplane. You see Americans might have invented the real airplane but the British invented the gummy airplane and we have yet to catch up to that gummy technology.

Hannah's arms 

make her look like olive oile accidentally ate Popeyes sinach.

Makes Popeye after he's eaten his spinach look like Popeye before he's eaten his spinach.

I don't think Staples earned their name. Staples are not that important. l it's just like a little piece of metal. 

Do you believe you have to be cruel to be kind?

Codename yusef Palestine

Take 1, take 2, take sours (takes hours)

I judge books by their covers but even more by their title

You know when they say, if the shoe Fitz. This is the shoe they were talking about

Silber is Yiddish for really funny comedy

You look like you could Wang Chung all night

You wanna Wang Chung tonight?

You ever throw up ice cream and it's still cold? That's a great day.

Whats no important. Having a good season or a goodpost season

As a rich guy people stereotype me in a lot of ways like, they think I have a lot of money.

Unfortunately I'm incredibly underachieving, and let's just say I'm not very liquid.

Quiznoed is my new term for really high (baked)

18 h in a GC genius test but all for drugs

Remember Quiznos?

What's going on with Quiznos? It's not looking good.

Quiznos was doing good when they were the first to realize you could toast the bread.

But then Subway stole the quiznoifacation technology. You might not remember this but before 2005 if you wanted you sandwich quiznoed, you had to go to Quiznos. 

Now I can Quiznos a sandwich by myself at home 

realized that they could just buy a toaster, toast wasn't patented or anything.

Measuring time in Barney

Dance instructional videos never tell you what to do with your face.

In ballet my student had to dance sad or mad for the whole dance and holding it was the hardest part

They say you loose 80% of your heat out your head. But how much of that is your kneck?

Top of your head's got hair on it to keep you warm. your neck? Completely exposed to the elements. 

And where does your neck stop and head start.

For some of us it's less clear, especially in the front. In the back nobody knows. 

Ok I'm going to do some audience participation. 

Tell me when I get to the top of my neck. Say when.

(Use microphone as indicator and slowly slide up the back of the head over the top and down.)

Hannah roast jokes:

Hannah has three children. How Hannah got three children, unclear.

Hannah takes care of her three kids with her two exes of indeterminate size shape race gender or sexual orientation. When I picture Hannah's two exes I picture... 

The Pokemon Missingno and a chack outline of a dead body 

Saw a midget start to run. He threw his head forward like a bull and ran with his body at a 45 degree angle

The guy who founded Arby's was like, you know what people love? Roast beef.

He was wrong

How do you land a kite?

The thing about kites, great at flying, no denying em that. But as good as they are at flying, equally bad at landing?

Good thing that kite ideas didn't take off. Airports would be rediculous.

I feel like we buy clothes very cavilerly these days.

Back in the day if you bought a shirt, that was your shirt. 

So you were going way more out on a limb with your fashion decisions, you had to be very aware. You buy a hat that's too Brown and all of a sudden you're brown hat guy for the rest of your life, or until you wear out a hat 

It's hard to wear out a hat. They don't get alot of wear and tear, not like the knees of your jeans.

Takes a while to wear out a hat, even if you wear it every day.

They say you lose 80 % of your heat out of your head. But what about your neck?

Caligri fiends

No woman no cry. Sound like the best of both worlds

Dennis Miller concentration 64

Write a bit about "Why is there air"

I saw a guy drink a milkshake so thicc I thought time was slowing down

My friends call me "gleefully insusient"

Build a 100 foot kite and fly like jesus

What kind of shoes does a man with no arms wear.

Flip flops

I love that feeling when you first step into your home, that comfort and relief that washes over you. And I'm like a dog, I can go get the mail and come back and still get that same buzz

Pull out Stick of butter like chapstick

Pronouns are like immigrants, trying to take jobs from good upstanding proper nouns. Undercutting

Decay is unflattering

All the Marco Polo recipies

Asian serial killer

Go to your house halfway open the jars for so you feel strong

Dominance

Do my next set with attitude.

Reading fantasy porn

You ever write a birthday card for a grandparent and think, I might as well two birds one stone this one and make it a eulogy.

My dad started painting and he says he's starting to see the world different.

I wonder what the comedy analogy is.

In highschool, learn how to be cool, like language, it's much more difficult to learn when you're older, unlike accounting.

A movie that's all shot in unflattering camera angles

Do we have any murderers in the audience. Not just if you've murderered someone already but if you have murder in your heart that you'll do it one day like how a young boy at 13 knows he's gay even if he's never done anything. 

itching doesnt work

You there mon frair?

Being a white guy doing comedy is like being a black dude playing basketball. It's like yeah

I feel like you can sell any absurd movie as long as you end your pitch with, "It's for kids"

i wanna make people happy but people don't like it when i bring root beer floats for everyone in the park

My favorite drink I call the Gordon Bombay, half gordon gin, half bombay saphire

Pretending to drop a baby is funny but probably not worth it

When people ask what I do I'm going to start telling them I'm a mogul.

I think a lot of ghosts are suffering from OCD. Cause it seems like a lot of this unfinished business is opening and closing doors, turning the faucet on and off. 

It's like you know you're really suffering when your disease gets in the way of doing things that you enjoy with people you love. Ghost are like, right at heaven, knocking on the pearly Gates with all their famiy waiting on the other side and theyre like, I think I left the oven on, I think the garage door is open, lemme just go back and check

"More Than Jake but Worse Than Ezra"

Selling used coffins, slightly used 

You ever read a translated work and wonder how much worse it is?

That's what it feels like when I'm trying to get words from my brain out my mouth.

I bet more men have cried this last week than any other week in history. #kobe

I don't speak truth to power as much as I like to to the downtrodden

Ghosts are mostly people with ocd

Does first base count as bestiality? What about heavy petting?

You ever throw up and think, I should chew more.

Song: We're rich (but we drive average cars)

Is animal on animal rape called bestiality.

Patting yourself on the back doesn't feel that good

You ever accidentally surprise someone and they get so surprised that it surprises you?

I walked past the homeless guy sleeping and he woke up screaming and it made me jump

"everywhere I went led me to where I didn't want to be- so I was stuck"- paul simon

What's the best kind of crazy to be until you die 

Jimmy Goldstein biggest basketball fan

I don't trust doctors, their tolerance for blood is suspicious

Is phone sex gay?

Was Buffalo a genocide?

I'm having a lot of daydreams that involve me saying "fuck you" I don't remember most of the rest of it but that moment snaps me out pretty good cause it's relatively out of character

Sunglasses in 1 lense

How many times have blind people been hit in the head hoping to shake something loose

The unreported issue about bestiality, is all of the animals raping humans. Way more common than the other way.

You ever have to pee really bad and then when you finally do it feels so good. Is it worth it.

"I'm serious right now"

Attempting to do a handstand on a trampoline at a house party at 3 am

You got any water cados?

When's the last time you told a lie

I like the song "I want candy" it expresees my deepest emotions

You every be like you know what I haven't done in a while? check your voicemail.

Dial it up I had 42 voicemails. Feel like Russian roulette. Going through the history of all the time I fucked up bad enough that  someone had to call and leave me a message.

James: we da juice in The Juice

It's a childish game to change b and c not tough. It just sounds funny

Talk like a gangster but in pig latin, or zoom language

Walked by a group of white women on the street. Heard one say "Is that sage?" And ive never seen a gaggle more precisely personified

You're like a coiled spring. A lotta potential

I've been having a hard time figuring out what's a sign and when I'm just stupid 

How often do you take a deep breath

Making a soup for yourself, trials and tribulations.

You ever be walking the wrong way for way too long. 

You catch yourself when you think, I should be there by now but I don't feel close

My favorite politician was r bud Dwyer

Calling star wars star trek shouldn't still be funny except it still makes nerds correct you which is funny

What was the most surprising death that ever happened on April fool's day

the best massage I ever got was a hand massage from lawrence xing during in 4th grade when our class when to see a play, i think it was the crucible

Bring my own microphone so I can drop the mic

One of The cheapest thing you can buy is a stamp, send a letter a cross the country for 50¢ I can't even get 1 nugget for that

I was talking to my dad and he said he doesn't understand haters. He was talking with my mom about Megan markle

Have you ever been so excited that you pee

You make Suzy chapstick look like...

Just came he from a weekend out of town. Had to go to the bathroom so bad. O rush into my apartment and I've accidentally left the heat on so many times I literally said, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" Turns out it was just me.

Trying to assert my dominance more 

Go to someone's house, start baking cookies. Swap out the lightbulb for a different color.

I only sit in purple.

Going to Costco is like going to vegas

Astronauts put their pants on both legs at a time with help from a friend

Guys don't go to the doctor right away because married guys have built up a tolerance to nagging pestering annoyances.

You ever leave your home and two minutes later you think to yourself, I should have gone to the bathroom before I left

Have you ever seen someone who looks so much like a Job that you want to shout Jon just to see if they turn their head.

What do you think about warm fruit.

Just a bowl of room temperature fruit 

Doesn't seem as good as cold but there's no natural reason

I hate it when people say "I couldn't care less" when what they really mean is "I couldn't care fewer"

What if Mlk's dream was a daydream

response to a heckler "the power of christ compels you" what does that even mean? did the demon forget? what's so compelling

A labrynth is a room!

I love small talk. Let's keep it small

Parkour setting on Google maps

Odouls cigarettes

has anyone ever been converted by a door-to-door protheletizer?

One thing about people a hundred years ago? 

They were much less concerned about being knee deep in swamp water.

When they should have been more concerned, those aren't quick drying fabrics, there's no gortex.

1 million mom's is the weakest 1 million.

Have you ever thought you lost something that was important but not urgent so you put off looking for it to delay the truth

I hurt myself trying to get my phone out of my left pocket with my right hand

How does language guide thought process?

Can tonal languages be sarcastic?

Michael "I'm not Mad, we can get through this together" son

Michael's the kind of guy who will cut your ear off and start pitching it joke premises

J j Watson and crick

Carry around a wedding ring for fake proposals

If I won the lottery I would donate half of it to a terrorist organization

How come when you say you're from "The West" it sounds like you're from the south

Every biography satrts with some stupid backstory about how they got their name.

Pg 1 Ruth Vader Ginsberg

Are there too many names

 or not enough.

Animated video.

Baby Hitler.

Like Me. Magoo, he inadvertently sidesteps time traveling assassin's

Is this a 5 year plan or a bucket list?

You ever buy the wrong kind of beans? Then you have to soak em for like 48 hours and then when you're done all you have is wet beans.

Even homeless people eat a can of beans

I've been reading a lot more lately. Or more precisely I've been having girls read me bedtime stories.

It seems like the only time I loose weight is when I'm sick

Who sat who say "who sat who say who sat"

You know when you're counting on getting something for Christmas but then you don't get it so you just have to buy it for yourself.

Yeah kinda sucks, but what's worse is I don't even know where to get two front teeth.

You ever been reading a book and you forgot to mark your place with a book mark or something and you try to find your place.

You ever have one of those days where you never turn the lights on.

And I ain't talking bout the summer

You ever throw your keys in the garbage?

What are you? Stupid? That's not where they belong. I've noticed a lot more stupid people lately, I'm thinking about drawing a line. No more fuckin with idiots, no more morons, or maroons, if you're a nincompoop keep walking.

Anyway no more fucking with idiots you know. It's like they're so easily tricked you can see every one of their influences.  If someone has no free and independent thought, how can you give me concent. I feel like if every action is manipulated.

Why would you do that, you probably needed them later.

Have you ever needed a cord for something and you ask yourself, I wonder if I already have it?

You never have it, you have all these cords just in case and they're never the right ones

Is it wring to have sex with someone who is mentally handicapped, where do you draw the line?

if you were gonna make a crown of thorns for jesus, do you think you'd do a good job?

If you're gonna die, is a crown of thorns cool enough to be worth the pain?

Wandering jew is the curse to all hecklers

Free Barabbas shirt

Port land is an oxymoron

Ports are on the water, not the land

Hanging out with comics is like hanging out with Jesus.

Write that down!

Duo where we both talk at the same time

In retrospect I wish I had better forsight

You know you're broke when you get made at yourself for throwing up.

I needed those Valerie's I worked for an hour to earn the money for that food

Hack into the hospital sewer and start refining that shit

I'm pro censorship. That's how I know where the good stuff is.

If I hear like, this book was banned in Uganda, it's on my reading list

If the Grasshopper was a real book I for sure would have read it.

Dancing to car alarms.

Set em off and walk up the street to dance till someone turns it off then move down the block

Psychic who just predicts their own actions

Shaggy knows it was him right?

I want to die with a gun in my hands