Free Lumia

Windows marketing campaign.  Free Lumia!

jack stone

jack black is keith stone movie ads and funding through keystone, maintain serious belivable character and plot for entire movie. Joe Dirt meets Hitch meets Marry Poppins. cameo appearance by current keith stone, they work together and have the same name? Anyone can be keith stone

Son of a Son of a Sailor

An exaggerated set of fantasy characters who list their lineage 80 generations back to Adam whenever they introduce themselves

threats

you can't threaten someone to be your boyfriend, but sometimes in 5th grade you don't know that yet

Ascob

Ascob cocker spaniel

Kids Prank show

Prank show for kids where you trick them to eat vegetables, a la cosby kids say the darndest

"whats the worst that could happen?"

I was at a bar the other night with a friend who was a little afraid of going up to talk to a girl. I gave him the classic "whats the worst that could happen?" so he got up and then the world exploded.

nose blows

A guy who never learned to blow his nose, instead of keeping a handkerchief he uses a baby suction, zach galafinaks style, oblivious to performing an embarrassing act

Woody Ray Allen

A Woody Allen Joke. My friend invited me to go play basketball I'm not very good I enjoyed watching but I don't play very well. I can't dribble, my shot is terrible, I always hits the inside of the rim and bounce around. terrible basketball player but a terrific lover

Dumb fish

Aquarium fish are the dumbest fish like what feral children are to human that's what like these fish are to the already stupid fish.

Be don't have

why do childhood job aspirations, they want to be the best, not have the best

how to act

real acting is not, what is my motivation, but what am i trying to motivate in my fellow characters. Actors are selfish and frequently stumble over this.

Penis name

Freud's nickname for his penis was weltanschlauung

Think of death

I love to think of death because it means I am alive!

When you are dead you cant think of life?

R. Lee Ermey in Comedy Central Roast

Bomber Bummer

72 virgins, twist, Nerds!

lee iacocca more like knee eye and cochlear

Quirky romano

Keith Stone

Jack Black as Keith Stone

Cottage cheese

My wife and I bought a cottage on the lake. we want to be fancy and we hold wine and cheese partys. you know the type realy hoity toity affair. So anyway we've hosted a few of these event, without a hitch I might add, and ive been looking to up my game ya know, really razzle and dazzle. Now I'm a professional subcontracter, I'm in the industry. I don't need to do all the work myself, although I could if I had to. No, Im looking for a signature cheese that I could impress with at my lakeshore abode, (its a one story house, more of a holiday home). I'm really looking for a cheese does more than the rest, im tired of the traditional pairings, charcuterie melon, i want a cheese that pairs with pears or peaches for my guests. Something thats easy to chew. Something fancy you know, that goes well with jello, did I say easy to chew, I also meant really watery, like runny watery so theres still juices left if you get it in a container, ya know wet so it takes out whats left of the already mild flavour, ya know? Chunky? Yes! Curdled? Yes, Please! I want a cheese that reminds you of a fat, old lady ass. There's a reason old guys are the only ones who ever eat it.

How do you maintain an ignorant perspective?

I don't know if its easy or hard to keep a connection with the disconnected. How do you see new things with the same perspective. everyone has topics in which they are frozen in ignorance. How do you maintain an ignorant perspective?

Hair of the Dog - Nazareth has a cowbell

red wedding

Thought the red scare was that time he ran out of johnny walker

Thought the red weeding was a Scotch only open bar wedding

The ones with fatherly figures, were the lottery winners

why don't politicians find a company that has a competitive advantage, possibly a monopoly (or close) on a resource. Tailor your bill so it has limitations that play to this competitive advantage?

"im in therapy now" transition from bad joke

Eatin'

Food Network ad to Eatin Gorilla Zoe

Dennis Miller,  "I was at a place...

A Dennis Miller movie where he goes to the future and his references are not recognized. He sees the world fall down the slippery slope he had predicted and ridicules with references that go over peoples heads

They have the markings of so many different tattoos that they called each other the Marx Brothers and I wasn't tempted to find out which one was
Groucho

Agreeing is a useless act if you are not in a position of power. It accomplishes nothing

Will Arnett as cris collinsworth

budd dwyer/Christine Chubbuck

why have there not been more budd dwyer/Christine Chubbuck moments? Abraham ben abraham

look it up in your ipads

a dennis miller comedian who, when the audience doesn't get an obscure reference says in a condesending tone, "look it up in your ipads"

A Different Snowflake

What is that (pointing at non snowflake.. Its a snowflake. No its not. Yes it is, Every snowflake is different. Some are just made out of wood have four legs and a flat top to sit on

Contemptible Congress

I've seen people lie in congress giving speeches. Why are they so rarely held in contempt?

Positive Punishment in Congress

In order to speak in congress, you first must incur a mild electric shock.

Hobbit Gwen

Sorry im not home right now, walking into spiderwebs gwen stefani lord of the rings crossover

Curiosity/laughter

what reaction do I want? NOT LAUGHTER BUT CURIOSITY Curiosity leads to learning which is the true root of laughter

Suicidal Vengance

it is not vengeance to murder a man who wants to commit suicide

When's Obama gonna get his dick sucked?

Tony clifton jr

Did robin Williams get the doubtfire part from the Kaufman joke?

Unexpected discovery

wilderness adventure reality show type program, suddenly switches when they happen traces of a untouched society and discovers Andy Kaufman. possible repeat of other wilderness type reality show happening upon other improbables

Butt welding

Did you learn how to streach a joke from the back of a limousine?

Cast of crew all demonstrating work out machines with black handles

Roast of ice cube, "ice cubes a baller, he can play any sport, I saw him last week play hocky, fucked around got a triple double, two points two instigating and two for makin foos check themself
That's a black hocky joke, there's only like 2 of those, treasure it.

Invent rediculous scenarios where common aphorisms become incredibly poor advice

Random jury with celebrity in it sketch. End up having to decide important case

Cannibal differences

What's the difference between a famous s*** and a cannibal? The cannibal eats the c*** before it comes out its ass

A da bears type sketch but replace with stoners preaching to come the chior

Unending tangents, ya know?

Character, "you know, the one" preface for unending tangents.  Possible topics onclude friends episodes

Guy wants wedding at biggest church in area no exception.  Biggest church is in prison. Big toug guys play sentimental, make statements,  "love is so beautiful"

Serious Tang

Movie about a Conspiracy theory group that is really pulling "all of the strings" 911 planes with gas, jews control media cause they say

A serious Pootie Tang

He knows, the breeze blows

Smart streets

street puppet with subtle voiceover tricking people in first draft to say rediculous or stupid answers. Reveal strange ignorances. Tricks to make street people look smart instead of always dumb, ask them math and dub over with slightly more complex, it will trick people who think we told the answers because you can see thought taking place.
Do one at Microsoft and have everone seem almost impossibly smart. Do it at uw and discover a trend that the hottest/ditsy blond sorority is by far the smartest (bonus, meet sorority girls)

If you die from auto erotic asphyxiation.  When you're dead is your cock still hard,,, or do you come right after you die (like the...) or is it a secret, its the only way to reach rigamortis still erect. Its what the pharaohs did when thry died so they could bring their big dicks to heaven with them

BET The Voice

The Voice reapproriated for b.e.t. but white people cant say n word. Ceelo and blake have protoges and go back and forth. Only at the end does blake discover eminem.

Black plague

The black plague,, killed 32million people from sweeden to sicily..
It never successfully spread to africa... probably because they were already black

You were revolting before che Guevara was in diapers

You're the only guy I know who loses weight when he farts

A serious moment with 2 Chainz

A serious moment with (insert bobastic rapper exe 2chain, lil john) talk serious topic. Instead of between two ferndvit between 2 bitches shakin ass in our face the whole time. Extremely close to face, shoot in closeup with ass still in frame. Before answering a 3rd question, hold up on finger signaliing to wait a moment, then moterboat ass cheeks. After comercial switch ass to tits

When a child is born, so is a father

Im pro life, I make all my money through rape babies

Its not statuatory if she already has a kid, I'm pretty sure

Hows it feel to be the #1 option for a gay make a wish kid now that Michael died

Put my desktop on my lap

Why aren't there new vegetables? They crows fruits like pluots but I've never seen a crossed vegetable. That's because vegetables suck. Would you eat a "grotesque exemples with funny combo names"

Stealing chainsaw

What do you stiel (chainsaw)

Model trains

I heard last week you fucked a model... train. Choo choo

emasculating insults

If I went for a low blow my foot might get stuck in your fat cunt.
If I tried to kick yiu in the crotch...

Did you hear the guy who invented the segway died when it took him off a cliff?
That segue was Almost as bad as the one you just tried

Short bus

Short bus driver, back seat.

How short is the bus you took to school?
You could do a u turn in a drive through.

Lonewolf loanshark

we can go do what you like, I know you like that. Good line or not?

Poor Dale

Dale Earhart Jr had a tough childhood, most people know that his dad Dale died in a car crash but almost no one knows about how his mom Emelia flew into the ocean

Raped in a holocaust shower

Shitty world

Its a nice world we live in, too bad we all have to shit so much

Lachrimose intolerant

Lachrymose intolerance

Big Character concept

Character who over analizes  every question

Carnival board

Carnival board meeting, seats go up and down like merry go round. People discuss and complain but ceo is obstinate till revealed at end

Class quiz based on what you really learn in class. Exe. How man ceiling tiles are there

Skit from the perspective of body part distracted by how it has to move while  a ridiculous scene is happening in background to character

Warren Buffett shops at borshimes in model of rick ross shopping

Warren Buffett as guest, inside look at his life. Lives like frat house/or lives like Rick Ross, use borshiems connection?

Shamwow millionaire

Character of hapless millionaire who made minor convenience. living a lavish life from the perspective of what a child would think a millionaire would do with their money

Did you know Starbucks is made from dead stars? Think about that next time

I went to Harvard

Not alot of people know this but I went to Harvard,,,  last weekend to throw rock at nerds. Dont tell on me,  not a lot of people know. Who woulda thought, the nerds bigggest weakness the geek kryptonite, ,, rocks. Sticks and stones may break my bones but nerds will never hurt me

I could whip out my dick, start pissing on the front row, and the people ib the back would just think its part of the act
Act out slightly incredulous back audience.
Then go back and forth between acting out front row getting pissed on

Stage Bathroom

Have you ever had to go to the bathroom on stage? The worst part,,, no privacy.
Have you heard about this bathroom on the streets of time square with oneway glass... I would masterbate.

Biggest fan

Biggest fan character, a giant person who is forced to be spokesperson for everything he likes because he becomes by default,  the biggest fan

Peer pressure hecklers

Explain to hecklers how peer pressure works acknowledge their punk ability to rise above and get them to use their powers for good like laughing at the show.
If doesn't work use peer pressure againts them.

Qr on business card

Qr code on business card that uploads contact information

I can only eat standing up.
Eat food gratuitously

Come out with popcorn and watch audience like a movie

Different food I've tried on stage and why they did/n't work, exe milk duds, chili.

Sometimes people complain when I eat in front of them, that I'm making them hungry (exaggerate how much enjoying the food)

They did not think I was funny at my last gig,,, at the soup kitchen or homeless sheler old folks home prison,,,,,,,,,it was a 3 hour long set so I had to bring a lot of food to keep up the bit for my act,,, I had a whole thanksgiving meal,,,, act out eating and them suffering and then comedically misplaced artistic justification

List of places my eating act would be inappropriate and how, old folks, bulimia, diabetes, funeral (food to loud, who has comedian at funeral anyway, actually I kind of like the idea but tough crowd)

Bit explaning circumstances creating and difficulties of having to perform comedy after funeral,,,, with loud food.

Dave attell drinking lesson

Defend from the position that I make fat people jealous, exe yeah, I can eat and still be skinny its called exercise and its all around you just have to look. You don't have to travel to china to find the special exercise temple where only true exercise can be accomplished, you dont need to by yoga mats and take special classess in (extreme example with own mini punchline), it can literally be anything, from chasing a ice cream truck to ___.  Ill tell you what Id do in jr high. (Food) I'd put on wrist weighs when I masterbated (food pause)
And (self imposed negative stimulation).
By sophmore year I looked like Popeye halfway through a can of spinach (act out popeye with only one arm poping)
To balance it out I ended up having to (?)

I hate to badmouth yoga because I love yoga pants and I think its worth pretending like I care about yoga if it means one more (type of girl) buys yoga pants.

Changing my last name to fitz. That way I can call my wife and daughters the misfitz.
My wife is only taking half of my last name, so I'm going to be a mr fitzmaurice and she's going to be a mrs fit.

I'm getting married and my wife and I decided something different,  instead of her changing to my last name me changing to hers or that hyphen bullshit (possibly tangent) we are both choosing a new last name. You know how difficult it is to choose a cilds name (make seem rediculously inconsiquential selfish and/or easy in comparison) examples of bad last names she wanted and I wanted (use her first and my middle initials as joke reveals. Eventually we decided on...

Comedian style where you eat food on stage. Used for comfortable pauses setting up expectation pause and twist.  Benefits include, food promotion , get to eat food, origional, character defining, easily shed, sourse of jokes, add layer to jokes, creates an introduction topic (possibly delayed for additional affect), something to do during heckelers, bring unexpected food out from pockets, topic of any food you bring (relatability)

Polly wanna, dahli lamma

The forest gump of farting at inappropriate times in history.  Exe, rosa parks was just trying to get away from the smell

A parable with parabolic structure

Ask a politician what is better to vote for a poorly made law whose philosophy you agree with or vote against it and wait for a revision

Always worst case scenario,  the world ends. Little kid afraid of jumping in pool, mom says what's the worst that could happen. He jumps in and the world explodes