Bait and Switch

A prank where you get a a person to listen to two people reading text. You have them pay attention/ try to remember to one text and then when a bell rings you have them switch and pay attention to the other text, only the second text is The School of Libertinism.

Addition to Society

What I like about art is that anyone can almost immediately make a contribution to the artistic community just by providing their own unique perspective.

Twice Going

Some thoughts are not worth delving into twice. This is one of them. I have to stop. Ok fine once more.

Secret Jokes

A joke is a secret soon to be discovered.

Banal

It is a trained mind that can ask quality questions from banal subjects.

Flat Character

I am amused by all people who are flat characters in my life story.

Radius of Knowledge

The amount of knowledge a society has is the average radius of one person's knowledge.

Paper Weight

I heard that necessity is the mother of invention. Then I was thinking about the inventor of the paper weight. Now there's a problem that nobody had, with practically infinite solutions. Anything can be a paper weight. Even paper can be a paperweight.

16th C excuses

"Oh, my bad, I didn't realize you used the Gregorian calendar. I'm still on the Julian.

PDA

Ugly people are most likely to exhibit personal displays of affection. "Hey look at me, someone in this miserable world finds me attractive!"

Stupid

Right now I am as stupid as I will ever be.

Hopefully

Frustration

Frustration is a function of expectation.

Reflexes

I wish my wife had the same reflexes as our baby. That's right, grasping rooting and sucking.

Ask me any question

Whenever anyone asks me a question I just say, "I think I'm in the wrong place", and leave.

Emotion

What is your favorite emotion? What is the emotion you spend the most time with?
Try to make them the same answer and everything else should be a byproduct of that goal.

Snow Crash

Something I can empathize with, "the kind of person who feels most at home on the dark side of a one way mirror."

The Life Coach

Example used: Sting
Other options include singers of famous songs with girls names in them.

Opening scene: Bar, attractive woman with martini, empty seat to her side.
Loser enters: (imagine Jonah Hill type.) loser approaches bar, orders a drink and asks her name in what he imagines is suave but is actually a poor attempt.
She replies, "Carol"
"Are you sure its not "Roxanne"" Which he beings to sing loudly and obnoxiously.
She runs away in disgust.
Camera pans following Loser walking to the other side of the bar see him sit down
Loser: "I don't get it I did exactly what you told me and it didn't work at all"
Switch camera now focused on Sting on the other side of the booth. Pause for a second.
Sting: I don't understand, it always works for me.
Sting goes up to incredibly attractive girl. She is not looking at him
Sting: Whats your name?
She turns around and is immediately enamored with Sting. Says, "Megan".
Sting: "Are you sure it's not Roxanne" tears shirt off begins to sing, guitar is lowered lights change background musicians come out.
She swoons. He puts down the guitar, she jumps into his arms and he carries her away.

Possible follow-up scene. Short scene of Loser reattempting this time with taking off his shirt.

Almost silent

If you were only able to say one word for the rest of your life what would it be?

Ice honey

There is an expression describing someone as "honey for the icebox" in that cold sweats won't spread

Facade

Through bullshit/small talk, I hid myself behind societal expectations and idiomatic speech.

TV Guide

I just got a job working for the TV guide network. Yeah I have to turn the crank to make the channels go by like old school car windows. Does anyone use the TV guide network anymore. Every cable or satellite company has that ability built into their remote, you don't need to wait anymore. You just want to see what channel (exaggerated TV show based on type of audience, eg real housewives of atlanta). But no you had to wait 5 minutes while it tell you whats on all the movie channels and the government access or the (exaggerated TV show in opposite direction based on type of audience eg 5 million sports channels, I mean seriously how many games can you watch, mimic guy trying to futilely explain)
and while its going through they try to entertain you with (example exaggerated to audience eg. 80s movies fuckin 16 candles or some other molly ringwald John huges bratpack garbage) which honestly wouldn't be to bad, I actually really like breakfast club I'm not sure why I said that, anyways, it wouldn't be too bad except the bottom third of the screen is taken up by the fuckin crank machine that is really the only reason you're on the channel anyway. So maybe my arm gets tired and the reel starts to just creep along so you think you have enough time to go to (something crazy eg. shoo those bats out of the kitchen. What always happen's? right when you get back it passed over the channels you were looking for. So you sit, you promise that you will pay attention and not leave but the next time it comes around you aren't paying attention cause your dancing with Emilio and Judd (pantomime). By the time you actually find out the channels and the times you already missed whatever you wanted to watch. Whatever, at least it means now I can write some jokes from girls, half the guys here missed all those references I just made and half the girls were impressed with these moves.

"I don't know"

I don't know is the answer to any question. At least you are never wrong, just ignorant.

Wrong Opinions

Do you have any opinions that you think are wrong?

Spotlight

Do you ever feel like everyone in the room is staring at you?

Stand Up Opening.

Small World

I hate it when people use the expression "its a small world".
No, you just live in your own small world.

Preemies

Are premature births related to introversion?

Black-Eyed Susans

When I was a kind in school there was a girl I liked and she liked me. We talked would talk all the time and once I led the conversation to find out her favorite flower. I thought I could use this knowledge later to make her happy. Except the only time I ever used it was to make myself cry because I didn't talk to her much after that and a few years later she died of cancer.
I was going to put a bouquet on her tombstone, but I didn't want to have to explain myself to anyone so instead I just imagined that I did. I suppose that since she is dead now the thought counts more than the action, and now whenever I see Black-Eyed Susans I cry.

Faith

Faith is like standing in the middle of a fire and the only thing keeping you from burning is that you don't believe it can. You start to imagine the heat and you don't know how long you can last because as soon as you give in, even a little, you burn up and get sucked in forever.

Killing

Killing is the act of turning an animate object into an inanimate object.
Is there a word for doing the opposite?

Unsure Facts

Sometime's I'm not sure about a fact but I will still use it in in a conversation. My fear is that someone will remember they learned it from me and pass on the knowledge to someone else.

Everyone Dream

One of the best things about dreams is that they are accessible to anyone at anytime.

Well-Suited

A movie about a a social group of tailors and seamstresses. When the characters interact they wear outfits made for them by the host.

Possibly murder mystery using clothes as clues?

Bike Rack

Make your own bike rack that you can dismantle, and put it in a public place.

Mrs. President

If the president became pregnant, would it be prudent to have an abortion?

Free Will

The problem with free will is not that you have an inability to make choices, it is that you can't choose your process for choosing.

Psychology Students

"Psychology students" is the group of people that we know the most about.

Smoking

The only building you can smoke in is one that is already on fire

Vampire

Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder what it would look like if you weren't a vampire? Any other vampires in the audience tonight? So i guess I'm the only one turned on by the varicose veins on the old lady outside.