Weight loss advertisement with before picture as normal slightly overweight guy letting his gut hang out. "I lost 28 pounds" . The after picture is slightlty slimmer sucking in gut and only has one arm.

advice for college freshmen Initiate conversations to trade contact information. Become a central port for party information. People, especially freshmen, are always looking for parties. Most people do not expand beyond their immediate groups. However the peak ability to gain contacts from disparate groups is the first few weeks of freshman year. Anyone you sit next to in any context could initiate a conversation where contact info could be shared. The more numbers you gather and give away the stronger your abilities to: create parties, scope out the best spot, flexibility in decisions at any moment in a night. you can be the connection between groups like ken-ex.

Tan-genital

If one good nba player decided to sear old school shorts he would make millions through increased brand awareness

The Sumner Standard, published "OUR OBJECTIVE: BANISH JAPS FOREVER FROM THE USA" on the front page for over 2 years straight

Asian girls should be the funniest demographic because they are stereotyped as always giggling behind open hands

The worst part about learning to play an instrument is that I can't stand the sound of poorly performed music more than I have determination to persevere

5 genders that each pair off into different types of combonations

You god damned ungulate, you hinny bastard

dord

dord

Stanley Moron = Fred stoler

Every day entertain a complete stranger for one night a la Ben Franklin and Arabian nights.

Sully Sullenberger did the opposite of sully the name Sully

Absurdity is a comedic crutch

If you are trying to suppress how visible your emotions are in a discussion, talk in a metered voice to hide vocal cues. This only works for people who haven't recognized the pattern of disguise, pay attention and reverse accordingly.

When I am an old person I will hate the joke where people mistake me for my son or for a much younger age.
Its a mistake that can only be made to an old person so paradoxically, an excessive compliment becomes a condescending barb

Give a collection of "How Things Work" as a birthday present to a father/child and write a note to the father about the incomparable education he would be giving both in education and a connection between each other bonded by this knowledge. These tools of thought might even be passed down to the grandchildren as your child recalls to their children all the things you taught them(although the book did a lot of the heavy lifting.)

My preferred way of lying is to dominate a conversation to keep its topics away from things I want to hide.

The edges of perception. Sci fi concepts
Blind spots in human consciousness.
Light spectrum vision.
Behind us
Where we don't care to look
Eachothers thoughts (can Christopher Nolan do a remake of that Mel Gibson movie?)
Details of memories
The future
One place at a time
One thought at a time
The "laws" or "theories" of the universe
Social structures
Parts vs whole/forest for trees
How Things Work
Chance

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I be holding a beauty in my eyes tonight

Success(beauty) is in the eye of the beholder

Even if I only spoke a single word you could still mistake what I am trying to express, even if I wrote a thousand pages.

How would you shoot your eye out? Wouldn't it go through your head?

When will Kanye return to Chicago with the elixir?

A TV character who's catch phrase is a salutation. The actor hates having to say it because it means that they are rarely in scenes long

What is stage fright in relation to self esteem?

I heard a leaf fall in the woods. I heard a single leaf. I hurt

Edify a jokes audacity

I solved the energy crisis. Mao said power comes from the barrel of a gun

Dorthy Parker

Dorthy Parker quotes "Brevity is the soul of lingerie" "Tell him I was too fucking busy-- or vice versa." “You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.” "Trapped like a trap in a trap" “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.” “If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.” "What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? A: You can't hear an enzyme." “The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.” “The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. “I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.”

Fruitful

If I can be consumed more than I have consumed, I will have led a fruitful life. Money is a reasonably equitable calculator of work, youtube view count of entertainment, attendee's at your funeral of love given

John E. Owens, comedian, once threw a circle of into convulsions of laughter describing the conduct of a bee in an empty molasses barrel

Things that never end are "pointless"

I like my women like my soups, thick brown and creamy

Dude perfect parody

Stargazer keep looking up sketch

Uncle drew style kung fu

Antiques roadshow parody skit

A service that calls customer service on your behalf. Avoid the hassle and anger. Your time is more valuable than the cost of or service. If company becomes big enough collusion can occur.

Why don't Asian have the most defined asses when they have do squats every time they go to the bathroom?

My new resume:
James "Frank" Fitzmaurice
Have gun
Will travel

You know it's not good when your daughter calls you out of the blue from vegas to tell you she's safe

I want my gravestone to have a heptadecagon and underneath to say, "I had a love affair with the world"

If Paul Simon brought Cecilia up to "his" bedroom where did the guy come from while he was in the bathroom?

Burl Ives taught us that there's more to Christmas decorations then just red and green

You gotta stretch, I do exercises every morning. I start with the tongue (poke tongue in alternating cheeks)

Go to a Todd glass party in the summer with a Christmas tree in a box set it up. Bring in wrapped presents. ask before arriving the names of all the people who will be there, under the guise of being nervous. Make quick sticker labels with peoples names on it.
Gifts can be cheap simple thing that are entertaining in a party atmosphere but not cumbersome to the rest of the party

Nothings cozier than A Christmas tree plus it presents the context of giving and receiving presents.

Keep a Christmas tree in the Todd glass studio filled with presents, maybe there's even one under the tree for you!

My grandfather was always old. I look back now at being a kid when I thought my parents were old but in "reality" my parents were young. Why as young as I am now and I still feel spry! When I was a kid I thought  my grandfather was old. Turns out I was right. He was old when I was born and he will remain old untill the day I die.