If you are trying to suppress how visible your emotions are in a discussion, talk in a metered voice to hide vocal cues. This only works for people who haven't recognized the pattern of disguise, pay attention and reverse accordingly.

When I am an old person I will hate the joke where people mistake me for my son or for a much younger age.
Its a mistake that can only be made to an old person so paradoxically, an excessive compliment becomes a condescending barb

Give a collection of "How Things Work" as a birthday present to a father/child and write a note to the father about the incomparable education he would be giving both in education and a connection between each other bonded by this knowledge. These tools of thought might even be passed down to the grandchildren as your child recalls to their children all the things you taught them(although the book did a lot of the heavy lifting.)

My preferred way of lying is to dominate a conversation to keep its topics away from things I want to hide.

The edges of perception. Sci fi concepts
Blind spots in human consciousness.
Light spectrum vision.
Behind us
Where we don't care to look
Eachothers thoughts (can Christopher Nolan do a remake of that Mel Gibson movie?)
Details of memories
The future
One place at a time
One thought at a time
The "laws" or "theories" of the universe
Social structures
Parts vs whole/forest for trees
How Things Work
Chance

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I be holding a beauty in my eyes tonight

Success(beauty) is in the eye of the beholder

Even if I only spoke a single word you could still mistake what I am trying to express, even if I wrote a thousand pages.

How would you shoot your eye out? Wouldn't it go through your head?

When will Kanye return to Chicago with the elixir?

A TV character who's catch phrase is a salutation. The actor hates having to say it because it means that they are rarely in scenes long

What is stage fright in relation to self esteem?

I heard a leaf fall in the woods. I heard a single leaf. I hurt

Edify a jokes audacity

I solved the energy crisis. Mao said power comes from the barrel of a gun

Dorthy Parker

Dorthy Parker quotes "Brevity is the soul of lingerie" "Tell him I was too fucking busy-- or vice versa." “You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.” "Trapped like a trap in a trap" “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.” “If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.” "What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? A: You can't hear an enzyme." “The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.” “The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.” Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. “I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.”

Fruitful

If I can be consumed more than I have consumed, I will have led a fruitful life. Money is a reasonably equitable calculator of work, youtube view count of entertainment, attendee's at your funeral of love given

John E. Owens, comedian, once threw a circle of into convulsions of laughter describing the conduct of a bee in an empty molasses barrel

Things that never end are "pointless"

I like my women like my soups, thick brown and creamy

Dude perfect parody

Stargazer keep looking up sketch

Uncle drew style kung fu

Antiques roadshow parody skit

A service that calls customer service on your behalf. Avoid the hassle and anger. Your time is more valuable than the cost of or service. If company becomes big enough collusion can occur.

Why don't Asian have the most defined asses when they have do squats every time they go to the bathroom?

My new resume:
James "Frank" Fitzmaurice
Have gun
Will travel

You know it's not good when your daughter calls you out of the blue from vegas to tell you she's safe

I want my gravestone to have a heptadecagon and underneath to say, "I had a love affair with the world"

If Paul Simon brought Cecilia up to "his" bedroom where did the guy come from while he was in the bathroom?

Burl Ives taught us that there's more to Christmas decorations then just red and green

You gotta stretch, I do exercises every morning. I start with the tongue (poke tongue in alternating cheeks)

Go to a Todd glass party in the summer with a Christmas tree in a box set it up. Bring in wrapped presents. ask before arriving the names of all the people who will be there, under the guise of being nervous. Make quick sticker labels with peoples names on it.
Gifts can be cheap simple thing that are entertaining in a party atmosphere but not cumbersome to the rest of the party

Nothings cozier than A Christmas tree plus it presents the context of giving and receiving presents.

Keep a Christmas tree in the Todd glass studio filled with presents, maybe there's even one under the tree for you!

My grandfather was always old. I look back now at being a kid when I thought my parents were old but in "reality" my parents were young. Why as young as I am now and I still feel spry! When I was a kid I thought  my grandfather was old. Turns out I was right. He was old when I was born and he will remain old untill the day I die.

the 2nd oldest man on earth. Every time people ask him how he got to be so old he gives a ridiculous response that meanders to an unanswerable conclusion.

To what do you credit your incredible longevity?

"I always used dental floss."

"haha that's great. You kids at home pay close attention ya hear."

"so, seriously how did you get to be so old?"

"I always been a flosser, from day one. they used to laugh at me back when all I had to use was a piece of string I traded with the girl up the street, Claribel, for two blue eggs from our chicken Rosie who laid colored eggs, gods honest truth."

"So, you credit living so long to flossing? Were there any other secrets you might be able to share."

"I would floss every night before I went to bed and every morning when I woke up with that string and this was before floss was invented. people called me foolish. If i had patented the idea when i had it id be a millionaire!"

Is there anything anything more too it than dental floss? You see I'm terrified of dying and you seem to be the most experienced person at not dying so let me know your secrets. Don't keep them from me and all the other young people like a greedy old person. I know you know! Tell me! Tell me how to live longer!"

Jumps over table. Forces 2nd oldest man to plead uncle. (a simple task)

Oldest man pleads for clemency. Gives in on the condition that he will only tell the host and the host can't tell anyone else.
Host gives a big wink to the camera, says ok.

2nd Oldest man asks for a pen and paper. Thank you. Pulls out a decoder ring starts writing. Finishes note, passes the paper and the decoder ring across the table. Host starts to solve

"be sure to floss"
You no good scoundrel!
Hey, look over there.
What?
2nd Oldest man runs off

what if the oldest guy in the world knew the secret to longevity but wouldn't tell anyone. He thinks its funny but everyone else takes it serious.

Is there any non dental floss?

I genuinely asked my 100 year old great grandmother the question "how did you get to be so old?" and she genuinely gave me the answer "dental floss" and I never asked a follow-up question so now that is the answer

In a competition to laugh best
The oldest man in the world dies and the second oldest man in the would laughs last.
Ha ha! Everyone born before me is already dead. I outlasted em all. Ha ha. Hahaha. HAHAHA!!!!

What I want to fix within journalism: exe. interview subject: the oldest man in the world. reporter asked him "how do you get to be so old" he says, "i always use dental floss" and then the reporter moves on. I wanted to ask the question more and deeper every time

Tv show about people who live in a country with a crazy dictator and they have to adjust to his new ridiculous and absurd new laws.

No pants, only eat green food on Tuesdays, sing a certain song at a certain time.
Everyone must do a dance at a certain time

A curse where the first person to cry at a funeral is the next to die

"How will the words be effective to the reader? It's not the words themselves that will make a difference, but the act of contemplating a position from a different perspective." -Chang Huang

Dick Pound: Olympic Representative

Porn where the guy does stuff to annoy the girl like making funny faces, sounds, nonsensical actions

Cookie Monster

I came home from the grocery store and want to eat a cookie but there was a homeless guy on the corner and I didn't want to share or appear miserly

Immersion

If you have rape phobia I do not recommend immersion therapy

Single Handedly

Menage e un

In line at target

In line at target thinking about how long lines don't bother me because there is usually enough stimulus to arouse a preoccuping train of thought, however i recognize that my patience is unique and the rest of this line is probably frustrated by its unusual length, although most likely only an additional minute or two out of someone's day, twice as long as one would usually expect. I observed the woman behind me, late 50's Eastern European, with a slight accent, wearing light jewelry, lets call her Babushka, was in particular distress. Through seemingly no provocation she shouted "this is too long, I give up."
"what does that mean you, 'give up'?" i replied with meek curiosity, fairly confidant i would receive no reply. she didn't seem to be talking to me, despite speaking in my direction, but rather addressing the store in general.
How does one "give up" in this situation. It isn't a war, you can't surrender with a white flag. Waiting in line is not really an activity, its not like you quit running or swimming, you're just standing in a line. Is that too hard? to be alone with your thoughts and nothing to do for a minute. Do you just place your stuff on the shelf with the magazines and walk past the cashier out the door? Doesn't she realize the amount of time she invested getting to this point? Driving to the store, finding her godiva chocolates, getting in line and waiting for, approximately thirty seconds, before making this formal declaration to the world her lack of perseverance. Is she on that tight of a schedule that she can't spare an extra two minutes of waiting? How could she afford time to even go to the store in the first place?
Unfortunately my curiosity was never satisfied as the lady who was currently getting checked out offered to pay for the ladies chocolate so that she could cut the line. The lady immediately accepted. But I spoke out, "don't do it, too frequently the squeaky wheel gets the grease. We are all waiting in line here, its an insignificant burden we all share when we go to stores." What was I doing, I was speaking up for a position that was not even my own, I was fine with waiting in line while she was clearly agitated.
Fortunatly, my plea was to no avail, the lady moved to the front of the line and swiftly walked off with her chocolate. I wondered if perhaps she had to go to the bathroom.
To diffuse the tension that probably only I felt in that moment, I attempted to strike up conversation with my fellow patriots of line suffrage. Behind me now was a swarthy ponytailed employee, lets call him Ignatious, who appeared to be on break or specifically inept at solving the particular line situation we were struggling under. Behind him was a father and his 4th grade son. The kid, lets call him Jacob, had both arms wrapped around some kind of nerf gun. I said, "hey, what kind of bullets does that nerf gun have? The ones that whistle or the ones that stick? Jacob was too timid to talk to a stranger so his dad, lets call him Kevin Smith, says, "Actually, these are the bullets that go in a clip."
Ignatious speaks up, "they actually discontinued the nerf with the whistle in favor of the clip method, and then optimized them so they fly farther, I have two ... And 4 interchangeable clips That i play zombies with my friends at school. The .... Is the best gun because it takes every size clip and has the best rapid fire mode."
Kevin smith gently chides, "Where do you keep your books?"
Ignatious unphazed replied, "In my bookbag, I can actually keep ...."
It was my turn in line, I abandoned Jacob and Kevin Smith to the nerd rambling of Ignatious.
I don't understand the motivations of people sometimes. You would think people would be more ashamed of being different, Its bad enough that you are wearing a game of thrones t-shirt, you don't need to prove to me that you know all the names of the characters. It reminds me of guys who go to the gym too much and so that they are unnecessarily large, and then on top of that they will flex to make themselves even bigger. I want to tell them that they need to do the opposite of flexing just so I can feel like we are both members of the same species. This is also my message to nerds, quit flexing. How about pretending you don't know for once and let a child be wrong about trivial minutia.

Tha Associate Press

Start a News company called Tha Associate Press. Say it fast and people with think that you represent The Associated Press