michael jordan or lebron james, i went to africa and saw a kid with a broncos superbowl champions jersy you know how they make the shirts before the game and give away the wrong ones to africa well i found the place they sendin em to I saw a "insrt upset championships here" and to each one I said michael jordan, he said lebron james. so i bough all the shirts and opened up an ironic vintage shirt store and make millions of ironic hipsters told in chris rock style voice

online sketch where you ring a neighbors doorbell and have pitchforks and torches but asking in a very modern way "would you like to ???? an protest the new science building that is creating a frankenstien monster?"

anyone ever aksed you what's your first memory, memory before thought is mostly action, how to make youir heart beat, lungs breath, i still remember all of that, spectacularly, in fact most of the time i do it without even thinkin. you ever try to make your heart stop just by thinking about it?... I don't know if its physically impossible or mmentally impossible but i was on acid onetime and thats some scary shit. (Ask audience about first memory at some point) so most of our first memories are reflexes, like whn your doctor hits a hammer. Anyone know first reflexes you learn as a Grasping rooting sucking? These reflexes still apply and you can use them today. Did you know that when you rub a baby's cheek they will suck your finger? You( point at hot chick) your boyfriend ever slap you in the face with his dick? (whatever answer) You SUck it!' baby?

naked yoga studio for advanced yoga practitioners only

sean john= shan jahn

Did Diddy build the Taj Mahal?

Are you gay if you let another man suck your strap on?

You ever see the episode of house of cards where they disignin the money and the masons are fighting the illuminati over who gets to put their symbols on which ones. NO!

Dennis Miller = Richard Belzer

Can you imagine imaginary world can you go in and look around what can you look for what are you looking for in a fish in C's Financial Accounting ridiculousness comedy contradictions lawyers

You ever wonder what people in different stages in time and economic stature would masturebate to. Exe a caveman or darke ages peasent vs king

the king gets to have everyone in his kindom do what he wants so he gets to fantasize about degrading shit make a parade and a holday dedicated. peasants, they just get to fantasize

Free with gold; toy soldiers fight cold war

Would you rather kenny vs spenny type show

Ask hottest girl at bar to be your wingman for second hottest. They compete and you double win

The real tiger woods question is if you think he got girls in school

All I want for Christmas

The most significant gift is one from a poor child

Andy Richter s scale is logarithmic

people elbow

mony python type "top 3 peopl'es elbow" first 2 random pictures, 3dr dwane's people's elbow

not kidding

couples that have kids and then think the tricks they pull on their kids will work on you. exe spelling out secrets.

HI-5

SNL has many opportunites for cool hi-5's.

AA

I joined AA. Not what i thought it was. I thought it was a place you could go and drink and your girl and family wouldn't find out. Like the KKK but instead of secretly being rasist you drink. instead of hat speach drinking! instead of lynchin, you get the idea. But what it really happened was instead of drinking ananomously. You sit in a circle and hear depressing stories.

Pant fear

When do you first wear a belt. Do people wear belts because they are afraid of their pants from being pulled down.

Alphabet burp

if a kid tells you he can burp the alphabet make him do it it's more painful for you at first but trust me it's worse for him by the end and hopefully he will have learned his, yes I'm sure its boy, lesson

Boring school

There isnt an epidemic of kids having add there is an epidemic of schools being boring. nobody can maintain my attention for that long I can't even fit in a business meeting for more than an hour without a donut I can barely entertain you guys on the stage for 5 minutes at four and a half now im being generous. The teachers do have an advantage though, they have a bank of knowledge that is infinite to drop on anything they can bring up to entertain these kids but you something that's interesting to every kid in a classroom and fitz within the testing requirements no wonder kids talk in class

OG Johnson

OG Lynden Johnson

melancholera

melancholera, the final stages of melancholy where all the shit dwelled upon removes itself through diaria until only a shell remains

If only one person was witness, did it really happen?

Water vs paper

Daniel tosh Style joke making fun of people who don't use bdays

black women sufferage

black women are the reason women got sufferage, cause white women wern't strong enough. we needed to wait 60 years when black women could be brought up with freedom to realize they didn't get the whole deal. the only thing that holds back black women is guns. that's why the hood has so many guns, its not for the gang violence, its to hold down their bitches.

letter of complaint

There are many people living cloistered lives where they try to convince themselvess that it is normal but naturally they need some form of release. When they are lashing out against something they are religously or philisophically opposed to, sometimes in reality they are getting the only contact they are allowed with a taboo subject. I think that people who write letters of complaint are getting off, looking for parts within a show that arouse them and then having an excuse to write the down and recall particularly salacious moments. Its like fan fiction for the cloistered. there should be more awareness brought to this so that they can change outlets and we can have fun. actually i like the balance, if there wasn't someone to make a line, how could we tow it? A great character to flash to when the main show is close to the line.

Diet newspaper article

The way nutrient % are calculated is making people fat. "the EAR (estimated average requirement) daily intake is not a goal but rather a tool" to set the amount the take the median of people (so half get too much half not enough) at a level right below "a specific indicator of excess". The reccomended diatary allowance is set to be at this level for 98-99% of people or 2SD above the already excessive EAR. http://www.nal.usda.gov/fnic/DRI/Essential_Guide/DRIEssentialGuideNutReq.pdf

Hardwood floors

Ask the girls if the carpet match the curtains she said yes and asked the same back to me I said no carpets I just got that hardwood

Basketball Song

Basketball Jones Remix

Bring Back Jared's

Bring back "can you hear me now?" guy. Still applicable today instead of coverage maps. Companies need a Jared. Jared is the only one.

Bad Segue

This is my impression of a bad Segway? Jump on mic stand and act out of control Segway to falling off cliff.
So, speaking of death...

Inspired by the quote,"shoot for the moon and even if you miss youll land among the stars" and Just redinvented olberins paradox. Proposed explinations, either a finite universe or... space dust. (also redshift)

Halloween

Son of man Halloween costume

Too cool for school, cool in 15 yrs

Find out what's popular in the youth by asking the too cool kids what they don't like

Are there isolated primative white tribes?

Kill my girlfriend

I can sympathize with serial killers cause I have to break up with my girlfriend, and would it just be easier. Wouldn't that be bett? If instead of braking up, the other person just disappeared?  then there's no regrets that you should have gotten back together,  no worry of running into her or her friends at the grocery story cause you don't have to cook you own meals anymore (positive sensationalism of prison)

Aquarium Fish

Aquarium fish are the dumbest fish. They are like feral children but like what a feral person is to a normal person, they are to normal, already dumb fish.

When candidates have to campaign they turn themselves into advertisement and a product. Then as a consumer we are buying coke or pepsi, 90 percent of the value is in the advertising and the product difference is negligible

What is the ham in Hammond haha this rift in short shrift the cell in one fell swoop and now I think you get the gist

We should teach people to avoid tones rather than outlaw bad words

Is frankens next goal to host daytime tv ala springer or go wrestling like ventura

People should move to where they are accepted.  Moving is easy, states rights to be differebt should be more extremely exercised in both directions

You can't take a fuck you can only give one or not

Mad Locals

Go to place and say there was recent news that local folks hero was ( gay etc...) to get them mad at you.

A book about the world that progresses to brave new world. That is our world tomorrow and yesterday.

Go to place and say there was recent news that local folks hero was ( gay etc...)

empty set full

when the universe began the empty set was full now the empty set is as large, possibly larger, than infinity just as there are different dimensions of infinite (amount of numbers between 1 and 0 is infinite. but also .3333 *3 =1) the empty set contains everything that isn't it is "not a duck" and it is "not a pillow" but before those qualities existed in the real world they din't exist within the empty set there are two ways i can imagine the pairing of these universes 1: the empty set is universe of infinite possibles and our universe is like a worm tunnel through and destroying and eating what isn't and turning it into what is 2: the possible and impossible universes exist within a constantly fluctuating equilibrium where they ebb and flow as the universe expands and then eventually contract as the empty set begins to refill the answer might depend on the 2nd law of thermodynamics and how it applies to the a closed system in possibility 2 the empty set is an open system able to freely exchange with the possible world in possibility 1 the empty set is a semi permeable system only allowing exit and no entry imagine god as existing within a 4th dimensional universe as we live in a 3d we experience time as linear, we can only go forward along a single path (on a macroscopic scale only forward but evidenced on atomic scale time is equal in both directions, thus where we begin to see complications with the second law of thermo) if god were to exist within a plane of time compared to our plane of time, our universe could be to him what our universe is to itself frozen in time. he has affected us in the same way we have affected a snapshot of our universe without time. free will only exists when irrespective of physicality.