Think of death

I love to think of death because it means I am alive!

When you are dead you cant think of life?

R. Lee Ermey in Comedy Central Roast

Bomber Bummer

72 virgins, twist, Nerds!

lee iacocca more like knee eye and cochlear

Quirky romano

Keith Stone

Jack Black as Keith Stone

Cottage cheese

My wife and I bought a cottage on the lake. we want to be fancy and we hold wine and cheese partys. you know the type realy hoity toity affair. So anyway we've hosted a few of these event, without a hitch I might add, and ive been looking to up my game ya know, really razzle and dazzle. Now I'm a professional subcontracter, I'm in the industry. I don't need to do all the work myself, although I could if I had to. No, Im looking for a signature cheese that I could impress with at my lakeshore abode, (its a one story house, more of a holiday home). I'm really looking for a cheese does more than the rest, im tired of the traditional pairings, charcuterie melon, i want a cheese that pairs with pears or peaches for my guests. Something thats easy to chew. Something fancy you know, that goes well with jello, did I say easy to chew, I also meant really watery, like runny watery so theres still juices left if you get it in a container, ya know wet so it takes out whats left of the already mild flavour, ya know? Chunky? Yes! Curdled? Yes, Please! I want a cheese that reminds you of a fat, old lady ass. There's a reason old guys are the only ones who ever eat it.

How do you maintain an ignorant perspective?

I don't know if its easy or hard to keep a connection with the disconnected. How do you see new things with the same perspective. everyone has topics in which they are frozen in ignorance. How do you maintain an ignorant perspective?

Hair of the Dog - Nazareth has a cowbell

red wedding

Thought the red scare was that time he ran out of johnny walker

Thought the red weeding was a Scotch only open bar wedding

The ones with fatherly figures, were the lottery winners

why don't politicians find a company that has a competitive advantage, possibly a monopoly (or close) on a resource. Tailor your bill so it has limitations that play to this competitive advantage?

"im in therapy now" transition from bad joke

Eatin'

Food Network ad to Eatin Gorilla Zoe

Dennis Miller,  "I was at a place...

A Dennis Miller movie where he goes to the future and his references are not recognized. He sees the world fall down the slippery slope he had predicted and ridicules with references that go over peoples heads

They have the markings of so many different tattoos that they called each other the Marx Brothers and I wasn't tempted to find out which one was
Groucho

Agreeing is a useless act if you are not in a position of power. It accomplishes nothing

Will Arnett as cris collinsworth

budd dwyer/Christine Chubbuck

why have there not been more budd dwyer/Christine Chubbuck moments? Abraham ben abraham

look it up in your ipads

a dennis miller comedian who, when the audience doesn't get an obscure reference says in a condesending tone, "look it up in your ipads"

A Different Snowflake

What is that (pointing at non snowflake.. Its a snowflake. No its not. Yes it is, Every snowflake is different. Some are just made out of wood have four legs and a flat top to sit on

Contemptible Congress

I've seen people lie in congress giving speeches. Why are they so rarely held in contempt?

Positive Punishment in Congress

In order to speak in congress, you first must incur a mild electric shock.

Hobbit Gwen

Sorry im not home right now, walking into spiderwebs gwen stefani lord of the rings crossover

Curiosity/laughter

what reaction do I want? NOT LAUGHTER BUT CURIOSITY Curiosity leads to learning which is the true root of laughter

Suicidal Vengance

it is not vengeance to murder a man who wants to commit suicide

When's Obama gonna get his dick sucked?

Tony clifton jr

Did robin Williams get the doubtfire part from the Kaufman joke?

Unexpected discovery

wilderness adventure reality show type program, suddenly switches when they happen traces of a untouched society and discovers Andy Kaufman. possible repeat of other wilderness type reality show happening upon other improbables

Butt welding

Did you learn how to streach a joke from the back of a limousine?

Cast of crew all demonstrating work out machines with black handles

Roast of ice cube, "ice cubes a baller, he can play any sport, I saw him last week play hocky, fucked around got a triple double, two points two instigating and two for makin foos check themself
That's a black hocky joke, there's only like 2 of those, treasure it.

Invent rediculous scenarios where common aphorisms become incredibly poor advice

Random jury with celebrity in it sketch. End up having to decide important case

Cannibal differences

What's the difference between a famous s*** and a cannibal? The cannibal eats the c*** before it comes out its ass

A da bears type sketch but replace with stoners preaching to come the chior

Unending tangents, ya know?

Character, "you know, the one" preface for unending tangents.  Possible topics onclude friends episodes

Guy wants wedding at biggest church in area no exception.  Biggest church is in prison. Big toug guys play sentimental, make statements,  "love is so beautiful"

Serious Tang

Movie about a Conspiracy theory group that is really pulling "all of the strings" 911 planes with gas, jews control media cause they say

A serious Pootie Tang

He knows, the breeze blows

Smart streets

street puppet with subtle voiceover tricking people in first draft to say rediculous or stupid answers. Reveal strange ignorances. Tricks to make street people look smart instead of always dumb, ask them math and dub over with slightly more complex, it will trick people who think we told the answers because you can see thought taking place.
Do one at Microsoft and have everone seem almost impossibly smart. Do it at uw and discover a trend that the hottest/ditsy blond sorority is by far the smartest (bonus, meet sorority girls)

If you die from auto erotic asphyxiation.  When you're dead is your cock still hard,,, or do you come right after you die (like the...) or is it a secret, its the only way to reach rigamortis still erect. Its what the pharaohs did when thry died so they could bring their big dicks to heaven with them

BET The Voice

The Voice reapproriated for b.e.t. but white people cant say n word. Ceelo and blake have protoges and go back and forth. Only at the end does blake discover eminem.

Black plague

The black plague,, killed 32million people from sweeden to sicily..
It never successfully spread to africa... probably because they were already black

You were revolting before che Guevara was in diapers

You're the only guy I know who loses weight when he farts