Grandmother, what big cock you have. All the better to fuck you with my dear.

When I'm born again I want my first words to be "happy birthday" just like my hero, frosty the snowman

Thomas hells yefferson

Only the disabled (cripples) should be allowed to be musicians

A scrren door slammed in the distance and Alice's dog barked.

"Who is it?" Alice called out to what was assuredly no one

"No one of consequence!" She called back in a mock plaintive voice.

"Well that's certainly decidedly so. I've never meet anyone of consequence in all my life, the only people I meet are reactionaries. How doubly unlikely that a scrren door is actually a person and that person is some one of consequence! 

when are the search history leaks gonna come out?

Peanut butter on soles of feet have dog lick off

Never forget that's my motto. Me and 9/11 have the same motto. Me 9/11 and elephants. That's something that we all have in common.

i had a dream where someone shaved my beard and then blacked it out way thicker and no one believed me

Democrat need to come up with a great hat

I can piss in a pot I got shit in the pan.

The only way I'll retire is as the Michilian Man

Jokes about the difficulties of being a comedy club waitress

If there's a Holocaust museum there should also be an American slavery museum

"Made you look" label maker

Or graffiti

Message in a bottle

"Made you look" on the back of a resume

Made you look your guide

The secret police but it's all gossip.

If someone asks if I can do an impression do Peter Faulk, lazy eye "just one more thing, princess buttercup"

Speak Japanese "coconut, samurau

Bees are made 100% out of honey.

Like humans evolved from the primordial ooze, bees evolved out of honey.

What came first, the honey or the bee? The pollen needs the bee to become honey, but the been needs honey to live.

Too dirty to burn

How come I've never seen old buildings with the old racist plumbing?

One of the easiest things to remember is the play-by-play of a game you experienced. Especially a game in which you exhibit mastery. 

This is a reason chess grandmasters seem to have such impressive memories while the average NBA players exhibits a similar level of skill. 

How many virgins are on earth? Probably more than in heaven.

Borche is Short for abortion

"justice is a judgement that is both fair and forgiving"

Why don't alcoholics move to Muslim countries?

They compare gun laws between the us and countries lake Japan. But what they forget is that in Japan everyone already knows karate. They're armed and dangerous 24/7. Every Japanese citicen carries two leathel weapons at all times. When you know that even the most feeble 85 year old can pull your heart out your esophagus with a pluck of a chopstick, all of a sudden, your'e showing a lot more respect.

create calling cards to leave behind that say "Happy to be back in your mind. Just reminder that you've never left my heart."

a kid runs out of school to go to the woods to secretly draw a picture of Muhammed in the sand. Out of nowhere musselman repels from the trees. He pulls out a long blade and asks, "Is that a drawing of Muhammed" No, the boy says waveringly. Then who is it?! Boy decays into a diatribe on the existential discussion bout the meaning of truth in perspective and rt. He rambles for over a minute s the video unfocuses and fades to black.

what would it look like if fill my neck with gold rings

Turtles<Chinese people who recycle straws and turn them into hats. 

Porn but it's shot like a spaghetti western. Back and forth zoom head shots 

ghoonghat sounds like derogatory slang

Trump is spending quarentine at Disneyland

Rank movies 1-10 on geyness scale

Cosby in prison does stand up album in Folsom

Making fun of bad comedy is more fun than watching good comedy

I hate when I like something and then I find out it's been an alegory the whole time

Everyone in the entire family has to vote on a name for the new child.

One of these things is not like the other

Said the court, quote, "It is not elements of rape, leprosy or sexual immorality which should attract the censor's scissors, but how the theme is handled"

What percentage of autistic people are gay

B 52 realtor: tin roof, rustic

Tone policing is a form of gaslighting

What if the big Jordan doc coming out is all post basketball gambling stories.

Transition between short story vignettes with crowd sceens to a zoom in on new character

The deer Hunter, but the scene where Walken is playing Russian roulette for money call n front of the crowd, camera pans the croud and amoung the sea is Michael Jordan, shouting Mao right next to the Viet. Pan past pan back focus close up, the storyline shifts to a completely different, Michael Jordan gambling in Asia stories.

This is the punishment dfor no one keeping their new years resolutions

Measure 3 times cut once. If you measure twice and they are two different you need to measure again

Movie where everyone in the cast has knuckle tattoos