My dad started painting and he says he's starting to see the world different.

I wonder what the comedy analogy is.

In highschool, learn how to be cool, like language, it's much more difficult to learn when you're older, unlike accounting.

A movie that's all shot in unflattering camera angles

Do we have any murderers in the audience. Not just if you've murderered someone already but if you have murder in your heart that you'll do it one day like how a young boy at 13 knows he's gay even if he's never done anything. 

itching doesnt work

You there mon frair?

Being a white guy doing comedy is like being a black dude playing basketball. It's like yeah

I feel like you can sell any absurd movie as long as you end your pitch with, "It's for kids"

i wanna make people happy but people don't like it when i bring root beer floats for everyone in the park

My favorite drink I call the Gordon Bombay, half gordon gin, half bombay saphire

Pretending to drop a baby is funny but probably not worth it

When people ask what I do I'm going to start telling them I'm a mogul.

I think a lot of ghosts are suffering from OCD. Cause it seems like a lot of this unfinished business is opening and closing doors, turning the faucet on and off. 

It's like you know you're really suffering when your disease gets in the way of doing things that you enjoy with people you love. Ghost are like, right at heaven, knocking on the pearly Gates with all their famiy waiting on the other side and theyre like, I think I left the oven on, I think the garage door is open, lemme just go back and check

"More Than Jake but Worse Than Ezra"

Selling used coffins, slightly used 

You ever read a translated work and wonder how much worse it is?

That's what it feels like when I'm trying to get words from my brain out my mouth.

I bet more men have cried this last week than any other week in history. #kobe

I don't speak truth to power as much as I like to to the downtrodden

Ghosts are mostly people with ocd

Does first base count as bestiality? What about heavy petting?

You ever throw up and think, I should chew more.

Song: We're rich (but we drive average cars)

Is animal on animal rape called bestiality.

Patting yourself on the back doesn't feel that good

You ever accidentally surprise someone and they get so surprised that it surprises you?

I walked past the homeless guy sleeping and he woke up screaming and it made me jump

"everywhere I went led me to where I didn't want to be- so I was stuck"- paul simon

What's the best kind of crazy to be until you die 

Jimmy Goldstein biggest basketball fan

I don't trust doctors, their tolerance for blood is suspicious

Is phone sex gay?

Was Buffalo a genocide?

I'm having a lot of daydreams that involve me saying "fuck you" I don't remember most of the rest of it but that moment snaps me out pretty good cause it's relatively out of character

Sunglasses in 1 lense

How many times have blind people been hit in the head hoping to shake something loose

The unreported issue about bestiality, is all of the animals raping humans. Way more common than the other way.

You ever have to pee really bad and then when you finally do it feels so good. Is it worth it.

"I'm serious right now"

Attempting to do a handstand on a trampoline at a house party at 3 am

You got any water cados?

When's the last time you told a lie

I like the song "I want candy" it expresees my deepest emotions

You every be like you know what I haven't done in a while? check your voicemail.

Dial it up I had 42 voicemails. Feel like Russian roulette. Going through the history of all the time I fucked up bad enough that  someone had to call and leave me a message.

James: we da juice in The Juice

It's a childish game to change b and c not tough. It just sounds funny

Talk like a gangster but in pig latin, or zoom language

Walked by a group of white women on the street. Heard one say "Is that sage?" And ive never seen a gaggle more precisely personified

You're like a coiled spring. A lotta potential

I've been having a hard time figuring out what's a sign and when I'm just stupid 

How often do you take a deep breath

Making a soup for yourself, trials and tribulations.

You ever be walking the wrong way for way too long. 

You catch yourself when you think, I should be there by now but I don't feel close

My favorite politician was r bud Dwyer