write a bill burr "no sympathy" bit

how many blind people are deaf? vise versa?

floor lights vs ceiling lights

what do I need a fit bit for? I can get walkamatic for a $1 out of the back of a comic book

funny storytelling=standup. what if the objective were a slightly different emotion

i used to work for comcast but they fucked me so to get them back, I kept my id number and i can reconfiure like 30% of peoples accounts so that they pay less. Come see me on one of my buddies and we'll see if we can hook you up and fuck over comcast.

pitching bad sketches jake and amir style

Mr rogers visits a rap studio. everyone is cordial but uses rap lingo.

what would life be like if you lived by an Apophatic theology

charles barkley "interesting"

ask tj miller what he thinks about Gaulier's thought that the ideal performance for a bouffon would be one in which the audience was wildly entertained, went home, realized that their lives were meaningless and committed suicide.

the curry effect. number of long 3's taken during ncaa tourney compared to historic rates

bracket where calling upsets is worth double

emogi's used by passengers of 911...

Elvis sings Mr. Rogers

are most people good or bad? go up to 10 people on the street and ask them for the time

Erotic stories for the blind. Traditional porn doesn't work for the blind, neither do visual descriptors.

Tosh.0 for hbo or netflix. Any video goes

#1 1-2 punch: "rock bottom" to "people's elbow"

Person, place or thing? Arent people and places "things". Thing is the least descriptive word in the english language.

mail man vs male lady

cant cant I cant do the cant cant I can't do the can't cant, not I can't Now with a cockney accent!

whenever there's a war, girls' clothing gets less material

a pencil thin van dyke like galliano

I'm bringing back the bustle

the truth is whatever I can get you to believe it is

Hi haters

you know what kanye said 50 said

if you reading a written rhyme, you didn't work on it hard enough. you didn't work on it as hard as you could

reverse bosom buddies

god damnation

damn is short for damnation

My brother used to butter both sides of the bread. My mother used to work under cover for the feds

nike should sign obama #airforce1

I dont know who I am but people seem to like the facade, maybe I do too

Callipygous

As a dog will recognize its master in any clothes, I see god in every living thing

The figurehead doesn't steer the boat or give it power, but it breaks the waves of opposition. this is why I think trump will be an effective leader. he can be passionate and confident in whatever direction is chosen for him. This is why Donald Trump will be a good president.

"I love working with the handicapped..." is just as bigoted and descriminatory as "I hate working with the handicapped."

A good comic book is like a Capri Sun you get two maybe three good sips and then its over and you want another one

You never see quicksand as a plot device anymore

read the bible

How many people here have read the bible? Man, that’s a tough thing to do, read the whole bible. There’s so many pages to turn and then you have to learn so many names. But there’s people out there who not only read the whole book but even have parts of it memorized. I couldn’t imagine doing something so boring. But it seemed like he enjoyed doing it. I was trying to figure out the difference between us and I think I figured out the source of my motivation problem. You see I don’t believe in heaven and I don’t believe in hell. But I imagine if I did, I would be very inspired.. If someone came up to you and said, "if you read this book you will go to heaven and if you dont youll go to hell." I think id really like that book. Especially if it was the only book you had access to and it so popular that it was pretty much all that anyone was talking about. I think id read that book. Even if i didnt know how to read Id read that book. Id just start flipping the pages, hoping that if counts, wondering what the symbols mean and what knowledge the could unlock. So I guess what Im saying is, the bible could be the most popular book of all time and be the most boring book of all time

yippee kanye

Kanye loves Kanye

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWS3XbkBZjs kanye knows exactly how his fans (me) feel. Who would know the mind of a Kanye-fan better than the biggest fan of Kanye, himself. Listen once as if you are singing karaoke to Kanye, and then listen as if Kanye the fan is singing to Kanye the man. He leaves us wondering, why can't he go back to the way it was?

Indian BURN

Is the term "Indian burn" racist? What is another term for it?

I miss you like daniel whitney misses sleeves.

Do you think when larry the cable guy goes on vacation he wears turtlenucks?

His wit, like a whip, was quick as a quip, and just as smart.

Disseminated=de-semen-ated

Infomercial for suicide
Openng scene. Two guys on a hike. one guy smoking a cigarette I give up! You can't give up we're almost there. (sits down on floor) I give up You have to move sometime, you can't just live on this spot forever. Going for a walk isn't really something you can quit. sure I can. my doctor prescribed this medicine. (pull out pill box) He said that with this pill you can quit anything you want. plus it's organic let me see that. do you think it could help me quit smoking? (throws the cigarette on the ground and grabs the box) my doctor said it can help you quit anything. so, it's says its an all natural, organic, hemlock extraction sounds good to me. alright lets give it a try (both guys take the pills and immediately start twitching and frothing at the mouth before dropping dead on the floor> are you tired of trying to quit but you find yourself falling back into old habits? how many times have you tried to quit drinking (foaming/convulsing death while holding a beer), quit a job (death at the office), or even get out of a bad relationship (death holding flowers in front of girlfriend)? With suicide on your side, you can quit anything! Are you tired of making your bed every morning, tired of arguing with your parents, or tired of that long commute. Thanks to Socrates' all natural, organic, hemlock extraction you can quit them all with a single pill! lying dead on the floor testamony ""

I want to see a buss full of dummies go through a series of crash tests

My favorite porno is the one where the girl is like, "um, excuse me, mr black man, would you kindly come in and bust up this here chiffarobe for me." and he does but then comes in and busts something else as well ... and then she gets pregnant, and then she tells the town it was rape, and then a courageous white man argues for justice and civil libirties of man and the jury says "not guilty" and then.. I cum.

Weekend at bernies (sanders) where he is incapable of becoming a puppet