i know what you're thinking

begin every sentence with, I know what you're thinking, exe. "I know what you're thinking, why, are banana's so slippery? Because thatas how it defends itself in the wild! Now I know what your' thinking, why isn't banana a color like orange? becasue lemons are the better fruit now i know what your thinking etc."

checkov

i don't wanna get a gun because i believe in checkov

Your adulation is isolating

"Vegas"

A Talk show that takes place in vegas so you can hear all the stories trapped in the city.

Sports anouncer character who is always paing attention to what the bench is doing

You know how the stereotype for stoners is watching tv lounging in a overplush couh, eatin nacos or some other garbage.
You know your  when you realize you've been watching tv from your kitchen cause you went to get food but now your stuck inbetween making sure your food doesn't catch on fire and you can still pay attention to shaq

When people "thank god" its metaphisical nature seems out of place next to frinds  family. "I'd like to thank divine interruption,"

Wood brim hat. Sat Essay prompt. What is clutch?
Apply spaghetti theory to standardized testing.

Virginia wolf style stand up based on a spot on the wall= paul f tompkins

whats the best flavor of popsicle, right answer orange, wrong, "purple" you know why, cause it looks, like a horse dick. and you know what red ones look like, dog dick. im pretty sure freud said that and thats why orange popsicles are the best

Demigodzilla

Is demigod just the couple nickname for when demi Moore was dating god?

Fake plug, I just put out an audiobook, the complete works of Shakespeare read in an indian accent, and next week I have comin out, dickens with a lisp

Learn larry king voice

"Orange is a great fruit, but a terrible color -witchita kansas you're on" -larry king

gurilla marketing campaign easter egg hidden promotion

song for sign language Don henly heart of the matter

Like a tree with no limbs

time travel is invented but you can only go into the future, eventually people all go to far and get crowded a the end

phrase origon

(a history chanel style show that reenacts the origons of old phrases) parody, similar to egghead's duty on gervais show

Movie about girls night out gone wrong all the women die and the men are forced to band  together to raise the kids 2 men and a baby sequal #15

How many people here feel uncomfortable with audience participation raise your hands.  Up up up!

Shut yo mouth

little known mpaa guideline: the term motherfucker is only allowed in an R rated movies, unless you talkin bout shaft.

Baby tattoo looking old and faded in teen years

Milhouse vs bauhaus

the sketchiest profession? caricature artists

women think the gift of life is a power they posess, really its an obligation, men do not feel a paternal clock ticking. with power comes responsibility, the power is good for the whole of humanity, the obligation lies on the individual

piss dream

do you know what the universally scariest dream is. Ill give you a hint it takes place in the bathroom. The scariest dreams are when you are going to the bathroom and you realize that you are in a dream, for a second you freak out cause you don't know if you are pissing in real life and you kinda don't want to wake up to find out.

South park did it first. Chef/Isaac Hayes singing why do birds suddenly appear.

make album called white moses rapping over only issac hayes covers

football suicide

hey johnny manzel, suicide is painless. Johnny mandel wrote the song suicide is painless, theme for mash

bill murry ballgame

Ask bill murry if he wrote take me out to the ballgame. actually billy murry

with his shoures soote

some people say, live every day like it your birthday i live every day like its april fools

god vs heaven

i believe in god but not heaven

black cops

a cure to racism is a cool black cop movie that convinces black people to become dissproportinate percent cops and the power swings the other way

Compare complaining about a comedian who talk about serious topics to someone who complains about the president talking about problems

bill burr

do people ever mistype bill burr as bill butt

anyone watch porn, anyone have like a fovorite pornstar, isnt it sad when you realize your favorite pornstar is now a milf. Its kinda sad cause it goes by so quick but they make up for doing "sandman comin with a hook" crazy porn

The one that got away

I was walking home alone the other day, you know like how people do when nobody loves you, and I was thinking, what age did I reach that I no longer became kidnap material. I used to always be worried and I would plan out what I'd do. "(Act out different scenarios people would think)" only I was a kid and didt realize how the world works, so all my plans were predicated on the idea that the kidnapper would have to listen to me  and I could then make my case for why I would be bad kinap material, then he would be like "but you have already seen my face" so then I had two plans, one for if he was when wearing a mask and one if he wasn't. But all this was stupid because, if you've ever seen a kidnapping,  whats the first thing they do, (act out covering over mouth) and iys because, if yhey didn't smart kids would always be outsmarting them. (Act out conversation between two kidnapping pedophiles in "the fish that got away story tones. Ending with "and then he started quoting (outlandish philosophy text) and (theory within the text) just made too much god darn sence. Kidnapper 2 consoles #1 by explaining how its the thrill of the hunt.

transition into when do guys no longer become kindap targets, being a young boy is likek being a girl for kidnap/rape

michael jordan or lebron james, i went to africa and saw a kid with a broncos superbowl champions jersy you know how they make the shirts before the game and give away the wrong ones to africa well i found the place they sendin em to I saw a "insrt upset championships here" and to each one I said michael jordan, he said lebron james. so i bough all the shirts and opened up an ironic vintage shirt store and make millions of ironic hipsters told in chris rock style voice

online sketch where you ring a neighbors doorbell and have pitchforks and torches but asking in a very modern way "would you like to ???? an protest the new science building that is creating a frankenstien monster?"

anyone ever aksed you what's your first memory, memory before thought is mostly action, how to make youir heart beat, lungs breath, i still remember all of that, spectacularly, in fact most of the time i do it without even thinkin. you ever try to make your heart stop just by thinking about it?... I don't know if its physically impossible or mmentally impossible but i was on acid onetime and thats some scary shit. (Ask audience about first memory at some point) so most of our first memories are reflexes, like whn your doctor hits a hammer. Anyone know first reflexes you learn as a Grasping rooting sucking? These reflexes still apply and you can use them today. Did you know that when you rub a baby's cheek they will suck your finger? You( point at hot chick) your boyfriend ever slap you in the face with his dick? (whatever answer) You SUck it!' baby?

naked yoga studio for advanced yoga practitioners only

sean john= shan jahn

Did Diddy build the Taj Mahal?

Are you gay if you let another man suck your strap on?

You ever see the episode of house of cards where they disignin the money and the masons are fighting the illuminati over who gets to put their symbols on which ones. NO!

Dennis Miller = Richard Belzer

Can you imagine imaginary world can you go in and look around what can you look for what are you looking for in a fish in C's Financial Accounting ridiculousness comedy contradictions lawyers

You ever wonder what people in different stages in time and economic stature would masturebate to. Exe a caveman or darke ages peasent vs king

the king gets to have everyone in his kindom do what he wants so he gets to fantasize about degrading shit make a parade and a holday dedicated. peasants, they just get to fantasize

Free with gold; toy soldiers fight cold war

Would you rather kenny vs spenny type show

Ask hottest girl at bar to be your wingman for second hottest. They compete and you double win

The real tiger woods question is if you think he got girls in school