Limo

Obtain limo and limo drivers license wear disguise and pick up talk show guests talk with them and mine for convo to replay during show

Don't uses beings as adjectives.  Retarded, gay, etc

We should teach people to avoid tones rather than outlaw bad words

Look up website on google to avoid accidental porn. Quit advertising with the spelt out website give us the google wearch

soundtrackkks

with music these days i have a playlist for everything. Does anyone here have a playlist for porn? (set up for funny examples) 80's porn is rediculous enough witout yakkity sax over it

Clint Eastwood

Describe famous western characters in rap

Unless you know that it is JOe Liberman

more boring than an al gore running mate

dude

i am like the modern incarnate of bob dylan ya know, cause he was just, like a rolling stone and im just like rolling, and Im stoned.

Political campaigns do not need to exist

A pen out of Ink

What is the feeling when you finish a bar of soap, or run out of in in a pen. Why don't you feel it when you the roll of toilet paper has only 1 square? A woodsman feels it when he sharpens his axe, dull from a day full of splitting. A job completed. Is its opposite why it feels good to be prepared? If overdone are you cheating the system by rewarding yourself for something you haven't earned? Is it the opposite of OCD? The cure for OCD?

Mermaid Bummer

Christopher Columbus, who thought mermaids were real, went to the waters around Haiti, and wrote in his logbook that he had seen three mermaids. He said that they were not as beautiful as everybody said they were. Nowadays, people believe Christopher Columbus had actually seen three manatees. It is possible he saw them kissing one another, which is something they do when the meet each other in the water.

Free Lumia

Windows marketing campaign.  Free Lumia!

jack stone

jack black is keith stone movie ads and funding through keystone, maintain serious belivable character and plot for entire movie. Joe Dirt meets Hitch meets Marry Poppins. cameo appearance by current keith stone, they work together and have the same name? Anyone can be keith stone

Son of a Son of a Sailor

An exaggerated set of fantasy characters who list their lineage 80 generations back to Adam whenever they introduce themselves

threats

you can't threaten someone to be your boyfriend, but sometimes in 5th grade you don't know that yet

Ascob

Ascob cocker spaniel

Kids Prank show

Prank show for kids where you trick them to eat vegetables, a la cosby kids say the darndest

"whats the worst that could happen?"

I was at a bar the other night with a friend who was a little afraid of going up to talk to a girl. I gave him the classic "whats the worst that could happen?" so he got up and then the world exploded.

nose blows

A guy who never learned to blow his nose, instead of keeping a handkerchief he uses a baby suction, zach galafinaks style, oblivious to performing an embarrassing act

Woody Ray Allen

A Woody Allen Joke. My friend invited me to go play basketball I'm not very good I enjoyed watching but I don't play very well. I can't dribble, my shot is terrible, I always hits the inside of the rim and bounce around. terrible basketball player but a terrific lover

Dumb fish

Aquarium fish are the dumbest fish like what feral children are to human that's what like these fish are to the already stupid fish.

Be don't have

why do childhood job aspirations, they want to be the best, not have the best

how to act

real acting is not, what is my motivation, but what am i trying to motivate in my fellow characters. Actors are selfish and frequently stumble over this.

Penis name

Freud's nickname for his penis was weltanschlauung

Think of death

I love to think of death because it means I am alive!

When you are dead you cant think of life?

R. Lee Ermey in Comedy Central Roast

Bomber Bummer

72 virgins, twist, Nerds!

lee iacocca more like knee eye and cochlear

Quirky romano

Keith Stone

Jack Black as Keith Stone

Cottage cheese

My wife and I bought a cottage on the lake. we want to be fancy and we hold wine and cheese partys. you know the type realy hoity toity affair. So anyway we've hosted a few of these event, without a hitch I might add, and ive been looking to up my game ya know, really razzle and dazzle. Now I'm a professional subcontracter, I'm in the industry. I don't need to do all the work myself, although I could if I had to. No, Im looking for a signature cheese that I could impress with at my lakeshore abode, (its a one story house, more of a holiday home). I'm really looking for a cheese does more than the rest, im tired of the traditional pairings, charcuterie melon, i want a cheese that pairs with pears or peaches for my guests. Something thats easy to chew. Something fancy you know, that goes well with jello, did I say easy to chew, I also meant really watery, like runny watery so theres still juices left if you get it in a container, ya know wet so it takes out whats left of the already mild flavour, ya know? Chunky? Yes! Curdled? Yes, Please! I want a cheese that reminds you of a fat, old lady ass. There's a reason old guys are the only ones who ever eat it.

How do you maintain an ignorant perspective?

I don't know if its easy or hard to keep a connection with the disconnected. How do you see new things with the same perspective. everyone has topics in which they are frozen in ignorance. How do you maintain an ignorant perspective?

Hair of the Dog - Nazareth has a cowbell

red wedding

Thought the red scare was that time he ran out of johnny walker

Thought the red weeding was a Scotch only open bar wedding

The ones with fatherly figures, were the lottery winners

why don't politicians find a company that has a competitive advantage, possibly a monopoly (or close) on a resource. Tailor your bill so it has limitations that play to this competitive advantage?

"im in therapy now" transition from bad joke

Eatin'

Food Network ad to Eatin Gorilla Zoe

Dennis Miller,  "I was at a place...

A Dennis Miller movie where he goes to the future and his references are not recognized. He sees the world fall down the slippery slope he had predicted and ridicules with references that go over peoples heads

They have the markings of so many different tattoos that they called each other the Marx Brothers and I wasn't tempted to find out which one was
Groucho

Agreeing is a useless act if you are not in a position of power. It accomplishes nothing

Will Arnett as cris collinsworth

budd dwyer/Christine Chubbuck

why have there not been more budd dwyer/Christine Chubbuck moments? Abraham ben abraham

look it up in your ipads

a dennis miller comedian who, when the audience doesn't get an obscure reference says in a condesending tone, "look it up in your ipads"

A Different Snowflake

What is that (pointing at non snowflake.. Its a snowflake. No its not. Yes it is, Every snowflake is different. Some are just made out of wood have four legs and a flat top to sit on

Contemptible Congress

I've seen people lie in congress giving speeches. Why are they so rarely held in contempt?

Positive Punishment in Congress

In order to speak in congress, you first must incur a mild electric shock.

Hobbit Gwen

Sorry im not home right now, walking into spiderwebs gwen stefani lord of the rings crossover

Curiosity/laughter

what reaction do I want? NOT LAUGHTER BUT CURIOSITY Curiosity leads to learning which is the true root of laughter