Random jury with celebrity in it sketch. End up having to decide important case

Cannibal differences

What's the difference between a famous s*** and a cannibal? The cannibal eats the c*** before it comes out its ass

A da bears type sketch but replace with stoners preaching to come the chior

Unending tangents, ya know?

Character, "you know, the one" preface for unending tangents.  Possible topics onclude friends episodes

Guy wants wedding at biggest church in area no exception.  Biggest church is in prison. Big toug guys play sentimental, make statements,  "love is so beautiful"

Serious Tang

Movie about a Conspiracy theory group that is really pulling "all of the strings" 911 planes with gas, jews control media cause they say

A serious Pootie Tang

He knows, the breeze blows

Smart streets

street puppet with subtle voiceover tricking people in first draft to say rediculous or stupid answers. Reveal strange ignorances. Tricks to make street people look smart instead of always dumb, ask them math and dub over with slightly more complex, it will trick people who think we told the answers because you can see thought taking place.
Do one at Microsoft and have everone seem almost impossibly smart. Do it at uw and discover a trend that the hottest/ditsy blond sorority is by far the smartest (bonus, meet sorority girls)

If you die from auto erotic asphyxiation.  When you're dead is your cock still hard,,, or do you come right after you die (like the...) or is it a secret, its the only way to reach rigamortis still erect. Its what the pharaohs did when thry died so they could bring their big dicks to heaven with them

BET The Voice

The Voice reapproriated for b.e.t. but white people cant say n word. Ceelo and blake have protoges and go back and forth. Only at the end does blake discover eminem.

Black plague

The black plague,, killed 32million people from sweeden to sicily..
It never successfully spread to africa... probably because they were already black

You were revolting before che Guevara was in diapers

You're the only guy I know who loses weight when he farts

A serious moment with 2 Chainz

A serious moment with (insert bobastic rapper exe 2chain, lil john) talk serious topic. Instead of between two ferndvit between 2 bitches shakin ass in our face the whole time. Extremely close to face, shoot in closeup with ass still in frame. Before answering a 3rd question, hold up on finger signaliing to wait a moment, then moterboat ass cheeks. After comercial switch ass to tits

When a child is born, so is a father

Im pro life, I make all my money through rape babies

Its not statuatory if she already has a kid, I'm pretty sure

Hows it feel to be the #1 option for a gay make a wish kid now that Michael died

Put my desktop on my lap

Why aren't there new vegetables? They crows fruits like pluots but I've never seen a crossed vegetable. That's because vegetables suck. Would you eat a "grotesque exemples with funny combo names"

Stealing chainsaw

What do you stiel (chainsaw)

Model trains

I heard last week you fucked a model... train. Choo choo

emasculating insults

If I went for a low blow my foot might get stuck in your fat cunt.
If I tried to kick yiu in the crotch...

Did you hear the guy who invented the segway died when it took him off a cliff?
That segue was Almost as bad as the one you just tried

Short bus

Short bus driver, back seat.

How short is the bus you took to school?
You could do a u turn in a drive through.

Lonewolf loanshark

we can go do what you like, I know you like that. Good line or not?

Poor Dale

Dale Earhart Jr had a tough childhood, most people know that his dad Dale died in a car crash but almost no one knows about how his mom Emelia flew into the ocean

Raped in a holocaust shower

Shitty world

Its a nice world we live in, too bad we all have to shit so much

Lachrimose intolerant

Lachrymose intolerance

Big Character concept

Character who over analizes  every question

Carnival board

Carnival board meeting, seats go up and down like merry go round. People discuss and complain but ceo is obstinate till revealed at end

Class quiz based on what you really learn in class. Exe. How man ceiling tiles are there

Skit from the perspective of body part distracted by how it has to move while  a ridiculous scene is happening in background to character

Warren Buffett shops at borshimes in model of rick ross shopping

Warren Buffett as guest, inside look at his life. Lives like frat house/or lives like Rick Ross, use borshiems connection?

Shamwow millionaire

Character of hapless millionaire who made minor convenience. living a lavish life from the perspective of what a child would think a millionaire would do with their money

Did you know Starbucks is made from dead stars? Think about that next time

I went to Harvard

Not alot of people know this but I went to Harvard,,,  last weekend to throw rock at nerds. Dont tell on me,  not a lot of people know. Who woulda thought, the nerds bigggest weakness the geek kryptonite, ,, rocks. Sticks and stones may break my bones but nerds will never hurt me

I could whip out my dick, start pissing on the front row, and the people ib the back would just think its part of the act
Act out slightly incredulous back audience.
Then go back and forth between acting out front row getting pissed on

Stage Bathroom

Have you ever had to go to the bathroom on stage? The worst part,,, no privacy.
Have you heard about this bathroom on the streets of time square with oneway glass... I would masterbate.

Biggest fan

Biggest fan character, a giant person who is forced to be spokesperson for everything he likes because he becomes by default,  the biggest fan

Peer pressure hecklers

Explain to hecklers how peer pressure works acknowledge their punk ability to rise above and get them to use their powers for good like laughing at the show.
If doesn't work use peer pressure againts them.

Qr on business card

Qr code on business card that uploads contact information

I can only eat standing up.
Eat food gratuitously

Come out with popcorn and watch audience like a movie

Different food I've tried on stage and why they did/n't work, exe milk duds, chili.

Sometimes people complain when I eat in front of them, that I'm making them hungry (exaggerate how much enjoying the food)

They did not think I was funny at my last gig,,, at the soup kitchen or homeless sheler old folks home prison,,,,,,,,,it was a 3 hour long set so I had to bring a lot of food to keep up the bit for my act,,, I had a whole thanksgiving meal,,,, act out eating and them suffering and then comedically misplaced artistic justification

List of places my eating act would be inappropriate and how, old folks, bulimia, diabetes, funeral (food to loud, who has comedian at funeral anyway, actually I kind of like the idea but tough crowd)

Bit explaning circumstances creating and difficulties of having to perform comedy after funeral,,,, with loud food.

Dave attell drinking lesson

Defend from the position that I make fat people jealous, exe yeah, I can eat and still be skinny its called exercise and its all around you just have to look. You don't have to travel to china to find the special exercise temple where only true exercise can be accomplished, you dont need to by yoga mats and take special classess in (extreme example with own mini punchline), it can literally be anything, from chasing a ice cream truck to ___.  Ill tell you what Id do in jr high. (Food) I'd put on wrist weighs when I masterbated (food pause)
And (self imposed negative stimulation).
By sophmore year I looked like Popeye halfway through a can of spinach (act out popeye with only one arm poping)
To balance it out I ended up having to (?)

I hate to badmouth yoga because I love yoga pants and I think its worth pretending like I care about yoga if it means one more (type of girl) buys yoga pants.

Changing my last name to fitz. That way I can call my wife and daughters the misfitz.
My wife is only taking half of my last name, so I'm going to be a mr fitzmaurice and she's going to be a mrs fit.

I'm getting married and my wife and I decided something different,  instead of her changing to my last name me changing to hers or that hyphen bullshit (possibly tangent) we are both choosing a new last name. You know how difficult it is to choose a cilds name (make seem rediculously inconsiquential selfish and/or easy in comparison) examples of bad last names she wanted and I wanted (use her first and my middle initials as joke reveals. Eventually we decided on...

Comedian style where you eat food on stage. Used for comfortable pauses setting up expectation pause and twist.  Benefits include, food promotion , get to eat food, origional, character defining, easily shed, sourse of jokes, add layer to jokes, creates an introduction topic (possibly delayed for additional affect), something to do during heckelers, bring unexpected food out from pockets, topic of any food you bring (relatability)

Polly wanna, dahli lamma