I don't think Staples earned their name. Staples are not that important. l it's just like a little piece of metal. 

Do you believe you have to be cruel to be kind?

Codename yusef Palestine

Take 1, take 2, take sours (takes hours)

I judge books by their covers but even more by their title

You know when they say, if the shoe Fitz. This is the shoe they were talking about

Silber is Yiddish for really funny comedy

You look like you could Wang Chung all night

You wanna Wang Chung tonight?

You ever throw up ice cream and it's still cold? That's a great day.

Whats no important. Having a good season or a goodpost season

As a rich guy people stereotype me in a lot of ways like, they think I have a lot of money.

Unfortunately I'm incredibly underachieving, and let's just say I'm not very liquid.

Quiznoed is my new term for really high (baked)

18 h in a GC genius test but all for drugs

Remember Quiznos?

What's going on with Quiznos? It's not looking good.

Quiznos was doing good when they were the first to realize you could toast the bread.

But then Subway stole the quiznoifacation technology. You might not remember this but before 2005 if you wanted you sandwich quiznoed, you had to go to Quiznos. 

Now I can Quiznos a sandwich by myself at home 

realized that they could just buy a toaster, toast wasn't patented or anything.

Measuring time in Barney

Dance instructional videos never tell you what to do with your face.

In ballet my student had to dance sad or mad for the whole dance and holding it was the hardest part

They say you loose 80% of your heat out your head. But how much of that is your kneck?

Top of your head's got hair on it to keep you warm. your neck? Completely exposed to the elements. 

And where does your neck stop and head start.

For some of us it's less clear, especially in the front. In the back nobody knows. 

Ok I'm going to do some audience participation. 

Tell me when I get to the top of my neck. Say when.

(Use microphone as indicator and slowly slide up the back of the head over the top and down.)

Hannah roast jokes:

Hannah has three children. How Hannah got three children, unclear.

Hannah takes care of her three kids with her two exes of indeterminate size shape race gender or sexual orientation. When I picture Hannah's two exes I picture... 

The Pokemon Missingno and a chack outline of a dead body 

Saw a midget start to run. He threw his head forward like a bull and ran with his body at a 45 degree angle

The guy who founded Arby's was like, you know what people love? Roast beef.

He was wrong

How do you land a kite?

The thing about kites, great at flying, no denying em that. But as good as they are at flying, equally bad at landing?

Good thing that kite ideas didn't take off. Airports would be rediculous.

I feel like we buy clothes very cavilerly these days.

Back in the day if you bought a shirt, that was your shirt. 

So you were going way more out on a limb with your fashion decisions, you had to be very aware. You buy a hat that's too Brown and all of a sudden you're brown hat guy for the rest of your life, or until you wear out a hat 

It's hard to wear out a hat. They don't get alot of wear and tear, not like the knees of your jeans.

Takes a while to wear out a hat, even if you wear it every day.

They say you lose 80 % of your heat out of your head. But what about your neck?

Caligri fiends

No woman no cry. Sound like the best of both worlds

Dennis Miller concentration 64

Write a bit about "Why is there air"

I saw a guy drink a milkshake so thicc I thought time was slowing down

My friends call me "gleefully insusient"

Build a 100 foot kite and fly like jesus

What kind of shoes does a man with no arms wear.

Flip flops

I love that feeling when you first step into your home, that comfort and relief that washes over you. And I'm like a dog, I can go get the mail and come back and still get that same buzz

Pull out Stick of butter like chapstick

Pronouns are like immigrants, trying to take jobs from good upstanding proper nouns. Undercutting

Decay is unflattering

All the Marco Polo recipies

Asian serial killer

Go to your house halfway open the jars for so you feel strong

Dominance

Do my next set with attitude.

Reading fantasy porn

You ever write a birthday card for a grandparent and think, I might as well two birds one stone this one and make it a eulogy.

My dad started painting and he says he's starting to see the world different.

I wonder what the comedy analogy is.

In highschool, learn how to be cool, like language, it's much more difficult to learn when you're older, unlike accounting.

A movie that's all shot in unflattering camera angles

Do we have any murderers in the audience. Not just if you've murderered someone already but if you have murder in your heart that you'll do it one day like how a young boy at 13 knows he's gay even if he's never done anything. 

itching doesnt work

You there mon frair?

Being a white guy doing comedy is like being a black dude playing basketball. It's like yeah

I feel like you can sell any absurd movie as long as you end your pitch with, "It's for kids"

i wanna make people happy but people don't like it when i bring root beer floats for everyone in the park

My favorite drink I call the Gordon Bombay, half gordon gin, half bombay saphire

Pretending to drop a baby is funny but probably not worth it

When people ask what I do I'm going to start telling them I'm a mogul.

I think a lot of ghosts are suffering from OCD. Cause it seems like a lot of this unfinished business is opening and closing doors, turning the faucet on and off. 

It's like you know you're really suffering when your disease gets in the way of doing things that you enjoy with people you love. Ghost are like, right at heaven, knocking on the pearly Gates with all their famiy waiting on the other side and theyre like, I think I left the oven on, I think the garage door is open, lemme just go back and check

"More Than Jake but Worse Than Ezra"

Selling used coffins, slightly used 

You ever read a translated work and wonder how much worse it is?

That's what it feels like when I'm trying to get words from my brain out my mouth.

I bet more men have cried this last week than any other week in history. #kobe

I don't speak truth to power as much as I like to to the downtrodden

Ghosts are mostly people with ocd

Does first base count as bestiality? What about heavy petting?

You ever throw up and think, I should chew more.

Song: We're rich (but we drive average cars)

Is animal on animal rape called bestiality.

Patting yourself on the back doesn't feel that good

You ever accidentally surprise someone and they get so surprised that it surprises you?

I walked past the homeless guy sleeping and he woke up screaming and it made me jump

"everywhere I went led me to where I didn't want to be- so I was stuck"- paul simon

What's the best kind of crazy to be until you die 

Jimmy Goldstein biggest basketball fan

I don't trust doctors, their tolerance for blood is suspicious

Is phone sex gay?

Was Buffalo a genocide?

I'm having a lot of daydreams that involve me saying "fuck you" I don't remember most of the rest of it but that moment snaps me out pretty good cause it's relatively out of character

Sunglasses in 1 lense

How many times have blind people been hit in the head hoping to shake something loose

The unreported issue about bestiality, is all of the animals raping humans. Way more common than the other way.

You ever have to pee really bad and then when you finally do it feels so good. Is it worth it.

"I'm serious right now"

Attempting to do a handstand on a trampoline at a house party at 3 am

You got any water cados?

When's the last time you told a lie