A good comic book is like a Capri Sun you get two maybe three good sips and then its over and you want another one

You never see quicksand as a plot device anymore

read the bible

How many people here have read the bible? Man, that’s a tough thing to do, read the whole bible. There’s so many pages to turn and then you have to learn so many names. But there’s people out there who not only read the whole book but even have parts of it memorized. I couldn’t imagine doing something so boring. But it seemed like he enjoyed doing it. I was trying to figure out the difference between us and I think I figured out the source of my motivation problem. You see I don’t believe in heaven and I don’t believe in hell. But I imagine if I did, I would be very inspired.. If someone came up to you and said, "if you read this book you will go to heaven and if you dont youll go to hell." I think id really like that book. Especially if it was the only book you had access to and it so popular that it was pretty much all that anyone was talking about. I think id read that book. Even if i didnt know how to read Id read that book. Id just start flipping the pages, hoping that if counts, wondering what the symbols mean and what knowledge the could unlock. So I guess what Im saying is, the bible could be the most popular book of all time and be the most boring book of all time

yippee kanye

Kanye loves Kanye

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWS3XbkBZjs kanye knows exactly how his fans (me) feel. Who would know the mind of a Kanye-fan better than the biggest fan of Kanye, himself. Listen once as if you are singing karaoke to Kanye, and then listen as if Kanye the fan is singing to Kanye the man. He leaves us wondering, why can't he go back to the way it was?

Indian BURN

Is the term "Indian burn" racist? What is another term for it?

I miss you like daniel whitney misses sleeves.

Do you think when larry the cable guy goes on vacation he wears turtlenucks?

His wit, like a whip, was quick as a quip, and just as smart.

Disseminated=de-semen-ated

Infomercial for suicide
Openng scene. Two guys on a hike. one guy smoking a cigarette I give up! You can't give up we're almost there. (sits down on floor) I give up You have to move sometime, you can't just live on this spot forever. Going for a walk isn't really something you can quit. sure I can. my doctor prescribed this medicine. (pull out pill box) He said that with this pill you can quit anything you want. plus it's organic let me see that. do you think it could help me quit smoking? (throws the cigarette on the ground and grabs the box) my doctor said it can help you quit anything. so, it's says its an all natural, organic, hemlock extraction sounds good to me. alright lets give it a try (both guys take the pills and immediately start twitching and frothing at the mouth before dropping dead on the floor> are you tired of trying to quit but you find yourself falling back into old habits? how many times have you tried to quit drinking (foaming/convulsing death while holding a beer), quit a job (death at the office), or even get out of a bad relationship (death holding flowers in front of girlfriend)? With suicide on your side, you can quit anything! Are you tired of making your bed every morning, tired of arguing with your parents, or tired of that long commute. Thanks to Socrates' all natural, organic, hemlock extraction you can quit them all with a single pill! lying dead on the floor testamony ""

I want to see a buss full of dummies go through a series of crash tests

My favorite porno is the one where the girl is like, "um, excuse me, mr black man, would you kindly come in and bust up this here chiffarobe for me." and he does but then comes in and busts something else as well ... and then she gets pregnant, and then she tells the town it was rape, and then a courageous white man argues for justice and civil libirties of man and the jury says "not guilty" and then.. I cum.

Weekend at bernies (sanders) where he is incapable of becoming a puppet

Movie where black celebrites decide to run for house of rep in their districts and form a power block

Petition for obama as nba commish.
Pay, fun, boss of billionairs, fun, people want it, help black communities.

Funniest "smart movie"?

Jackass=funniest all time

What is terrible for the world is great for satire

Do you think more about heaven or hell

People are able to drudge throigh the bible because it satisfies the viceral need to go to heaven if you read it and hell if you dont.
The bible induces lethergy when the reader does not want to believe in god

How man people here have read the bible? That shits hard am I right. And I think my problem is, that I dont believe in heaven or hell. But I imagine if I did it would be the greatest book of all time. If someone came up to you and said, "if you read this book you will go to heaven and if you dont youll go to hell." I think id really like that book. Especially if it was the only book you had access to and it so popular  that it was pretty much all that anyone was talking about. I think id read that book. Even if i didnt know how to read Id read that book. Id just start flipping the pages, hoping that if counts, wondering what the symbols mean and what knowledge the could unlock. So I guess what Im saying is, the bible could be the most popular book of all time and be the most boring book of all time

In latin there are many more compound words than english, even more so in Chinese

Award shows are portentios and lugubrious.

Salutations to the Misses see you later adios arrivederci Aloha and get the f*** out and you don't have to go home but you cant stay here

Is there a written form of english that can express cadance or tonality?

Spirit of st louis obisbo

How come, when I want to find out "Is the guy is in the movie I'm watching was also the guy from that Brad Pitt movie?" it could take me 5-10 minutes, but if I want to find that porno where a girl with a butterfly tattoo on her wrist sucks a dick on a red couch I can find it in three clicks?

History should be taught from the end back, rather than from the beginning foreward. The starting point of a new field of knowledge should attach itself to a context of what is already known. Also, when a consequence is known it is simple to uncover its cause, not as easy in reverse or our plans would never lead to mistakes and our hindsight would not be 20-20.

when thinking "im doing something wrong" gets associated with sex, Kinky consequences.

I'm starting a rumour, that I was the guy in the ponytail on that fleetwood mac album

It's not a very good joke but at least not very many people even understood it

Ralph waldo Emerson said that with the exception of educational purpose, travel is a fools paradise. If you are traveling to escape, you can not escape yourself. What do you look forward too, the landing or the takeoff?

don delillo "sine cosine tangent"

She said something about the boring state of Wednesdays throughout the world. A little ash, at minimum expense, and a Wednesday, here and there, she said, becomes something to remember. a secondhand paperback crammed with huge and violent emotions in small, crowded type Did I want to be curious, amused, indifferent, superior? I used to watch her guide the device over the back of her cloth coat. I tried to define the word “roller” without sneaking a look in the dictionary. I decided to wait a while before asking, thinking of her as one spelling one day, the other spelling the next day, and trying to determine whether it made a difference in the way I thought of her, looked at her, talked to her, and touched her. I practiced at home, walking haltingly room to room, tried not to revert to normal stride after I rose from a chair or got out of bed. It was a limp set between quotation marks, and I wasn’t sure whether it was intended to make me visible to others or just to myself. This was the unseeable texture of a life, except that I was seeing it.

Stephen Stills looks like Bob Odenkirk

Oh eM Gee golly dosh darn

Communist catch 22

How would society be different if becoming a doctor was easy but to become a garbage man took years of study

Red hammer

No one wants to admit that they are biased. No one thinks their opinions are wrong.

Domineering mothers buy their young kids jackets with hoods so there is more scuff of neck to grab and direct.

I would rather be interesting than honest

Door to door investment sales. Market like lottery tickets. Make comparisons to early investors in Microsoft and Amazon. Act now for a higher percentage which goes down with every new investor

In defense of man-spreading.

Brian Wilson is not dead he's just went back to bed and when people look for him he hides under the covers

The reason you don't see fat old people has very to do with the death rates of morbid obesity but rather are telling of the deterioration of old age. Have you ever seen noticed how there are no tall old people. I believe it is better to store up while you're young.

I support the troops. I support all the troops. I support all the troops from every country.

Thomas Jefferson will only fight in the octagon

braunschwager

I got Lebron swagger (le braunschwager)

old people unable to hear their loud voice leading to embarrassment of people around them

My office is a hall of mirrors

Am I racist?

My favorite basketball player in John Stockton, my favorite rapper is Eminem and my favorite comic from "In Living Color" was Jim Carrey. Am I racist?

ask jlo and linda rondstat about jim carrey

a rich guy has a bad day

The worst part about going to a football as a kid is that you were eye level with a crowd of a million guys asses

I forgive Cosby. WWJD?

character: a confidant magician who's trick is obvious video editing

A mirror for touch

Scheherazade weaves a character arc like a sign wave

"I only like metal and the beach boys"- some random girl I met once

Podcast that is only commercials

Restaurant Puns

Jamaican me thirsty
Frank n stein

Eskimos should have a million ways to cook blubber (muktuk) just like how they have 100 words for snow, but most of them just eat it frozen

coughing break during piano recitals

All i do is Nguyen