If someone asks if I can do an impression do Peter Faulk, lazy eye "just one more thing, princess buttercup"

Speak Japanese "coconut, samurau

Bees are made 100% out of honey.

Like humans evolved from the primordial ooze, bees evolved out of honey.

What came first, the honey or the bee? The pollen needs the bee to become honey, but the been needs honey to live.

Too dirty to burn

How come I've never seen old buildings with the old racist plumbing?

One of the easiest things to remember is the play-by-play of a game you experienced. Especially a game in which you exhibit mastery. 

This is a reason chess grandmasters seem to have such impressive memories while the average NBA players exhibits a similar level of skill. 

How many virgins are on earth? Probably more than in heaven.

Borche is Short for abortion

"justice is a judgement that is both fair and forgiving"

Why don't alcoholics move to Muslim countries?

They compare gun laws between the us and countries lake Japan. But what they forget is that in Japan everyone already knows karate. They're armed and dangerous 24/7. Every Japanese citicen carries two leathel weapons at all times. When you know that even the most feeble 85 year old can pull your heart out your esophagus with a pluck of a chopstick, all of a sudden, your'e showing a lot more respect.

create calling cards to leave behind that say "Happy to be back in your mind. Just reminder that you've never left my heart."

a kid runs out of school to go to the woods to secretly draw a picture of Muhammed in the sand. Out of nowhere musselman repels from the trees. He pulls out a long blade and asks, "Is that a drawing of Muhammed" No, the boy says waveringly. Then who is it?! Boy decays into a diatribe on the existential discussion bout the meaning of truth in perspective and rt. He rambles for over a minute s the video unfocuses and fades to black.

what would it look like if fill my neck with gold rings

Turtles<Chinese people who recycle straws and turn them into hats. 

Porn but it's shot like a spaghetti western. Back and forth zoom head shots 

ghoonghat sounds like derogatory slang

Trump is spending quarentine at Disneyland

Rank movies 1-10 on geyness scale

Cosby in prison does stand up album in Folsom

Making fun of bad comedy is more fun than watching good comedy

I hate when I like something and then I find out it's been an alegory the whole time

Everyone in the entire family has to vote on a name for the new child.

One of these things is not like the other

Said the court, quote, "It is not elements of rape, leprosy or sexual immorality which should attract the censor's scissors, but how the theme is handled"

What percentage of autistic people are gay

B 52 realtor: tin roof, rustic

Tone policing is a form of gaslighting

What if the big Jordan doc coming out is all post basketball gambling stories.

Transition between short story vignettes with crowd sceens to a zoom in on new character

The deer Hunter, but the scene where Walken is playing Russian roulette for money call n front of the crowd, camera pans the croud and amoung the sea is Michael Jordan, shouting Mao right next to the Viet. Pan past pan back focus close up, the storyline shifts to a completely different, Michael Jordan gambling in Asia stories.

This is the punishment dfor no one keeping their new years resolutions

Measure 3 times cut once. If you measure twice and they are two different you need to measure again

Movie where everyone in the cast has knuckle tattoos

What's the most complicated lullaby

Millennials will be the first generation to pull of a quarentine. We've been training in physical isolation our whole lives 

I like whimsy but it's a bit delicate

Prefer eccentricity

Is whimsy feminine and eccentric masculine?

Bad news makes me sleepy

Key and Peele sketch

start with marshawn eating skittles before going out on the field

Then escalates

Candy bracelet

Necklaces made of candy

Ring pops

I'm not usually on the side of promoting the military budget but can we get some emergency spending for the Army Medical Corp?

I have a feeling they're going to be overwhelmed in the next few months

We should have doctor reserves like we have army reserves instead of in case of war, in case of pandemic. 

How many military doctors do we have?

Is it against the law to go in the wrong bathroom

There was a point in my life when my nose was growing into my feild of vision and I thought I was going cross eyed

Absolute values are lazy. They only work half the time

Things in my own words from yesty.

Time is a spiral: asymptote

Set up the background then the person: elepsis

Adjust height/tilt: eyelevel is unoriginal

The thing I'm most impressed with when I see content is if I think "how did they write this"

 or even better if I can see exactly how and it still seems out of reach

"The spiral" is "the asymptote"

How did they write clouds and flowers. It's my favorite part.

One leg vignette :)

It's easier to lie when you're wearing sunglasses

I start a relationship with break-up sex

Reach into opposite back pocket for phone and start spinning around like a dog chasing it's tail

Open set with: "I almost cut my hair... it happened just the other day.