Millennials will be the first generation to pull of a quarentine. We've been training in physical isolation our whole lives 

I like whimsy but it's a bit delicate

Prefer eccentricity

Is whimsy feminine and eccentric masculine?

Bad news makes me sleepy

Key and Peele sketch

start with marshawn eating skittles before going out on the field

Then escalates

Candy bracelet

Necklaces made of candy

Ring pops

I'm not usually on the side of promoting the military budget but can we get some emergency spending for the Army Medical Corp?

I have a feeling they're going to be overwhelmed in the next few months

We should have doctor reserves like we have army reserves instead of in case of war, in case of pandemic. 

How many military doctors do we have?

Is it against the law to go in the wrong bathroom

There was a point in my life when my nose was growing into my feild of vision and I thought I was going cross eyed

Absolute values are lazy. They only work half the time

Things in my own words from yesty.

Time is a spiral: asymptote

Set up the background then the person: elepsis

Adjust height/tilt: eyelevel is unoriginal

The thing I'm most impressed with when I see content is if I think "how did they write this"

 or even better if I can see exactly how and it still seems out of reach

"The spiral" is "the asymptote"

How did they write clouds and flowers. It's my favorite part.

One leg vignette :)

It's easier to lie when you're wearing sunglasses

I start a relationship with break-up sex

Reach into opposite back pocket for phone and start spinning around like a dog chasing it's tail

Open set with: "I almost cut my hair... it happened just the other day.

Pro tip: if you don't have a vaccuum, just roll a wheely chair down your hallway and your guests will think you cleaned up for them.

Crime patrol instead of solving crimes with technology, they do it with racism and police brutality

The problem with talking to nerds is that they are uninteresting and the talk too fast. Makes you wanna say "slow down and shit up"

Better corn, pop or pepper?

What's the deal with the Y? You can play basketball and kids can get swimming lessons.

Hannah looks like she'd challenge everyone in this place to an arm wrestling contest and call you a bitch if you said no and. A pussy when when she slams your arm into the table 

Is DC a district in Columbia? How

What's the best shape for a gummy to be in?

Wrong, airplane. You see Americans might have invented the real airplane but the British invented the gummy airplane and we have yet to catch up to that gummy technology.

Hannah's arms 

make her look like olive oile accidentally ate Popeyes sinach.

Makes Popeye after he's eaten his spinach look like Popeye before he's eaten his spinach.

I don't think Staples earned their name. Staples are not that important. l it's just like a little piece of metal. 

Do you believe you have to be cruel to be kind?

Codename yusef Palestine

Take 1, take 2, take sours (takes hours)

I judge books by their covers but even more by their title

You know when they say, if the shoe Fitz. This is the shoe they were talking about

Silber is Yiddish for really funny comedy

You look like you could Wang Chung all night

You wanna Wang Chung tonight?

You ever throw up ice cream and it's still cold? That's a great day.

Whats no important. Having a good season or a goodpost season

As a rich guy people stereotype me in a lot of ways like, they think I have a lot of money.

Unfortunately I'm incredibly underachieving, and let's just say I'm not very liquid.

Quiznoed is my new term for really high (baked)

18 h in a GC genius test but all for drugs

Remember Quiznos?

What's going on with Quiznos? It's not looking good.

Quiznos was doing good when they were the first to realize you could toast the bread.

But then Subway stole the quiznoifacation technology. You might not remember this but before 2005 if you wanted you sandwich quiznoed, you had to go to Quiznos. 

Now I can Quiznos a sandwich by myself at home 

realized that they could just buy a toaster, toast wasn't patented or anything.

Measuring time in Barney

Dance instructional videos never tell you what to do with your face.

In ballet my student had to dance sad or mad for the whole dance and holding it was the hardest part

They say you loose 80% of your heat out your head. But how much of that is your kneck?

Top of your head's got hair on it to keep you warm. your neck? Completely exposed to the elements. 

And where does your neck stop and head start.

For some of us it's less clear, especially in the front. In the back nobody knows. 

Ok I'm going to do some audience participation. 

Tell me when I get to the top of my neck. Say when.

(Use microphone as indicator and slowly slide up the back of the head over the top and down.)

Hannah roast jokes:

Hannah has three children. How Hannah got three children, unclear.

Hannah takes care of her three kids with her two exes of indeterminate size shape race gender or sexual orientation. When I picture Hannah's two exes I picture... 

The Pokemon Missingno and a chack outline of a dead body 

Saw a midget start to run. He threw his head forward like a bull and ran with his body at a 45 degree angle

The guy who founded Arby's was like, you know what people love? Roast beef.

He was wrong

How do you land a kite?

The thing about kites, great at flying, no denying em that. But as good as they are at flying, equally bad at landing?

Good thing that kite ideas didn't take off. Airports would be rediculous.

I feel like we buy clothes very cavilerly these days.

Back in the day if you bought a shirt, that was your shirt. 

So you were going way more out on a limb with your fashion decisions, you had to be very aware. You buy a hat that's too Brown and all of a sudden you're brown hat guy for the rest of your life, or until you wear out a hat 

It's hard to wear out a hat. They don't get alot of wear and tear, not like the knees of your jeans.

Takes a while to wear out a hat, even if you wear it every day.

They say you lose 80 % of your heat out of your head. But what about your neck?

Caligri fiends