Michael "I'm not Mad, we can get through this together" son

Michael's the kind of guy who will cut your ear off and start pitching it joke premises

J j Watson and crick

Carry around a wedding ring for fake proposals

If I won the lottery I would donate half of it to a terrorist organization

How come when you say you're from "The West" it sounds like you're from the south

Every biography satrts with some stupid backstory about how they got their name.

Pg 1 Ruth Vader Ginsberg

Are there too many names

 or not enough.

Animated video.

Baby Hitler.

Like Me. Magoo, he inadvertently sidesteps time traveling assassin's

Is this a 5 year plan or a bucket list?

You ever buy the wrong kind of beans? Then you have to soak em for like 48 hours and then when you're done all you have is wet beans.

Even homeless people eat a can of beans

I've been reading a lot more lately. Or more precisely I've been having girls read me bedtime stories.

It seems like the only time I loose weight is when I'm sick

Who sat who say "who sat who say who sat"

You know when you're counting on getting something for Christmas but then you don't get it so you just have to buy it for yourself.

Yeah kinda sucks, but what's worse is I don't even know where to get two front teeth.

You ever been reading a book and you forgot to mark your place with a book mark or something and you try to find your place.

You ever have one of those days where you never turn the lights on.

And I ain't talking bout the summer

You ever throw your keys in the garbage?

What are you? Stupid? That's not where they belong. I've noticed a lot more stupid people lately, I'm thinking about drawing a line. No more fuckin with idiots, no more morons, or maroons, if you're a nincompoop keep walking.

Anyway no more fucking with idiots you know. It's like they're so easily tricked you can see every one of their influences.  If someone has no free and independent thought, how can you give me concent. I feel like if every action is manipulated.

Why would you do that, you probably needed them later.

Have you ever needed a cord for something and you ask yourself, I wonder if I already have it?

You never have it, you have all these cords just in case and they're never the right ones

Is it wring to have sex with someone who is mentally handicapped, where do you draw the line?

if you were gonna make a crown of thorns for jesus, do you think you'd do a good job?

If you're gonna die, is a crown of thorns cool enough to be worth the pain?

Wandering jew is the curse to all hecklers

Free Barabbas shirt

Port land is an oxymoron

Ports are on the water, not the land

Hanging out with comics is like hanging out with Jesus.

Write that down!

Duo where we both talk at the same time

In retrospect I wish I had better forsight

You know you're broke when you get made at yourself for throwing up.

I needed those Valerie's I worked for an hour to earn the money for that food

Hack into the hospital sewer and start refining that shit

I'm pro censorship. That's how I know where the good stuff is.

If I hear like, this book was banned in Uganda, it's on my reading list

If the Grasshopper was a real book I for sure would have read it.

Dancing to car alarms.

Set em off and walk up the street to dance till someone turns it off then move down the block

Psychic who just predicts their own actions

Shaggy knows it was him right?

I want to die with a gun in my hands

"one turtle made a mistake"

4&6

You ever have one of those days where you never turn the lights on?

If babies were ugly I don't think they would make it out alive

Dum dum squad

If you were one of the 5 spice girls you would be (Szechuan peppercorn/star anise)

Fire retardant blanket

Retard short for fire retardant

explain how the 120 days of sodom was actually a good idea

I like showers more than baths because I'd rather wear a shower cap than a bathing suit

Portland me that be in your face but it's not aggressive.

Lady lightly touches my shoulder, whispers in my ear, your fly's down.

Health is for nerds

Would people laud a self exiled pedophile, pedophile island like a leper colony

Juggle 2 balls while stand up

Puts the od in podium

Having sex saying "oh" and "Yeah" until you sound like the coolaid man

Y'all like Reba?