"I've covered a lot of ground here..."

It's not even noon and I already want a nap

Carrot top on shark tank

Guy trys to disguise himself and grows a big bushy beard. Girl tries to disguise and gets bangs

Worst thing I ever said during sex. "Little pig little pig let me come inside of you."

The wonderful thing about black people: they're bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun fun

If each person called you a different name

Or

What if you called everyone the same name. And everyone else did too. Then you wouldn't be known by your name but by the name you call people

Wicker/wigger furniture

My body gives me the "I'm home release pee" in the elevator and I have a long hallway

What if there was a basketball hat?

The amount of money you need not to have in order to be starving is a lot

Bicycle firefighter

I don't understand baseball uniforms. belts, longs sleeves, layers, hats, mpire uniform

did ben franklin have a wig with a bald patch?

CPO sharkie remake

You can't let your cake melt in the rain and have the recipe too

Start uncovering historical foibles that we "cancel" people for in the modern era .

Until no one is left.

"Foibles of my hero's"

The worst thing done by the  best person.

The closer you are to the ground, the easier you are to kick.

Micturation

Jerry Craig

Twenty heads jumeped into a pool. 20 4headds jumped out. How?

It feels weird to stop in the middle of a hallway.

Call beggars rebbe nachem

Perspective is the breadth of time

How many years before you can call something tradition

A spoon FULL of sugar seems a bit much.

I used to have a five piece suit but I'm slimming down.

Have you ever played that game where you pretend the ground is lava. Practally an improvement!
It's like we knew instinctively at a young age that the ground is bad and not to be dealt with.

Black guys like to over dress white guys like to underdress

We all have our weird ways of organizing things. I have my music organized chronologically, by when I first listened to it.

Back in the spice trade days you had to know your spices like drug dealers know cocaine. Tester kits for saffron.

Why is reading so easy.

What is the history of fireworks. What are the order of innovation. What was early and what was recent.

My father... art in heaven.  I don't know what art means but I say it every day and only use it in this one context.

Is my dad doing art in heaven?
Is everyone's name Arthur in heaven?

Depression can be even worse if you can afford it.

My cousin is a professional science experiment

a lot of life as a child is a balance between cool and smart.

Learning things as an adult has a different context and stand out like humor at school. When my child comes home from school I would make him do a extreme detailed summary of his day. Do daily summaries with your child, practice their memory, recall, articulation, enrichens the day creating memories to share

"If your student isn't getting at least/most an 80% you need to adjust the curriculum." - me I wrote this

People say I look like Justin Timberlake so much that I've had people call me Justin Bieber and when I say, do you mean Justin Timberlake and they say "oh yeah" and that has happened to me more times than I have fingers.

You ever realize the song playing in tour headphones is the same song that's playing in the grocery store. Embarrassing

Give all the audience the same shirt that the performers wearing. They will all feel like they are on your team.

I'm in a Hot Chocolate cover band called lids.

When it comes to Hot Chocolate some people like the drink and some prefer the band but really, everyone's a winner.

Have you ever been eavs dropping on someone on a phone call and you feel like you're listening to the boring side of the call

What if Michael Jordan was a micromanager at his restaurant.

It's weird that everyone in the Flintstones is gay. Especially when so many are married

Dr denton

Do you think getting scalped tickles?

Went into tj maxx yawned and left