When is it too late to change your name.

My dad told me when he turns 70 he's going to go start going by bob

Children are usually led by the example of the family model where having children is the thing to do.

The way I was raised was that adults should have children. And so was everyone else.

Double breasted blue blazers are for Hungarian's

Arkansas is so unimpressive, their capitol is little rock, they couldn't even get a medium sized rock?

The ground is better than the ocean

When sailors reach land after weeks at sea they kiss the ground.

The main thing I don't like about swimming in the ocean is that you get so wet.
Like maximum wetness.
I mean I went in the ocean this one time, I was soaked.

It's a whole different ground when you're on a boat, gotta get a whole new set of legs. You see, sea legs work on land but land legs don't work that well at sea.
If you have the wrong set of legs when you're at sea, you might vomit.

I had straight A's in school.

Did you graduate from Egg school?

The next late night talk show host should be Elmo or Kermit

I just want to be successful enough that if I'm killed it's considered an assassination

Isn't it crazy that you can pluck a certain length string and communicate the same song as blowing into a certain size tube

If a girl tells you she likes your shoes that means she looked you up and down, inside and out, and that's the only redeeming quality she could find but for some reason she feels obliged to say something

Does the supreme Court have a secret service?
How many supreme Court Justices have been assassinated?

May your ex wife die of stretch marks -loudon wainwright

Go to a friend's house and hide Easter eggs

I think people's names are funny.
To me every movie is a comedy if you wait  long enough.

A giant natural disaster is almost incomprehensible so the part I'm most not looking forward to is the traffic

Westminster people show

I'm not sure who's nerdier, a mathmetition or a regular magician

gene shalit moustache

Why did Kareem not get MVP his rookie year?

What are all the great things about being be a slave owner. + Vs - list

Commercially available mushroom broth.

Tooth mop
instead of brush

What would happen if a country nationalized gymnasiums and made them free to citizens.
What if a state did it, which one would you guess/want.

WHat do I think about Woody Allen? Grover Cleveland did the same thing and I still love eating Baby Ruths

For being "New" Mexico, there's a lot of old Mexicans

Kaliedascope on my gun

Which do you learn for baseball pitching, throw as hard as you can and build accuracy or build speed among a more stable accuracy

Can I sell short on real estate in areas that are going to be devistated by global warming?

When's the next big vilind musician going to come out?

If every time you masterbated you went back in time one day, how would you manage this new life?

The best race is "mixed"

How many Americans have interracial grandparents?

Ground zero, not a great place to be

"It's nice to be nice to the nice"- Frank Burns MASH

Subway should offer pizza as a bread option.

President of the Lilly guild

Babies prefers mode of transportation is to crawl. Can you imagine if you had to crawl home instead of walk? It hurts my knees just thinking about it.

Measure people's daily stress levels and compare to phone battery levels. Wonder how strong the correlation?

"It's simple, but it's not easy."

"You do it because you can"
-Alfred

I don't like martinis and I don't like coffee but I really like an espresso martini

"A man without a plan is not a man"- Nietzsche

Do the mahi get the treats

T-shirt
A floral print shirt with tea leaves

the sun is cold in the middle like a hot pocket from the microwave

Character has to prove they aren't an imbosile so that they aren't forced to be steralized. "Three generations of imbosilles is enough."
Buck v. Bell

Nba could/should double the number of cities. Look how many colleges sell out stadiums. Smaller towns have stronger dedication.

Interview where people ask me questions about my favorite people always choose someone named James. Jimi Hendrix playing for the JB's would be my dream band. Jim Brown football, LeBron basketball, James Joyce, James Acaster, Jim Morrison.

Throwing a James only party would be fun. Girls don't have to be named James, just the boys.

you'r butt is so white that if you were in a dark room and someone lit a canle across the room and your pants were down, you'd get a sunburn in 15 minutes

A "yes dear" audio button voiced by Sean Clements

Chocolate coated hot tamales, or caramel coat