People who complain about auto tune are the same people who complained when Dylan went electric.

Ice breaker question. Have you ever called 911?

What if we used a different person's death to measure every year

Name my Phoenix cinder ella

Ask John 3:16 people what begotten means

Tunnel skyscrapers?

Dude ranch doritos

When you buy a gun do you need to buy gun insurance?

I don't know what's been going on with the gluten market lately but they've been giving it away for free with all my favorite foods.

I think paying for gluten makes it taste better.

Most of my jokes are inside jokes so they might not work, after I blow the roof off this place!

Asked but never told Brave but never bold Bluff but never fold Shame but never scold Shook but never rolled Convinced but not cajoled Cool but never cold Win but never gold Always fit the mold

On average 1 every three rulers has been used to measure a penis.

Is it better to be a translator if your native language is the one you are translating from or the one you are translating to.

A draft is good for the church, not only because more people turn to god due to the war but more people would become members of the clergy/(female clergy?) to escape the draft.

"An entertainer tries to make love to the audience, an artist is a masturbator, he wants to please himself."

Band name. The the

"Keeping kindness alive is a tragic and sacred job. and you're doing it." -Naomi to me

Ann D'amore

Cannibal Fish that only eats bigger fish

Breaking News; Trump call "It" "Great"

fire and kill with diabolical skill build an empire, livin higher on the hill I got a new chip off an old brick bought a new whip for a cold bitch I'll burn a label just to turn the tables yall heard the fables, I'm sure unstable

Whenever I witness a major athletic event, I imagine Hunter S Thompson noticing it out of the corner of his eye from some decrepit setting. The culminating achievement of countless lives, acknowledged and moved on. One sentence among pages but a sentence that exists in millions of stories.

hot tub is my birth control of choice

If I could be any superhero I would be Daredevil because I always wanted to be blind

Do you think Evel Kineval convinced anyone his real name is Evel by spelling it Evel instead of Evil?

wear a tie when swimming

Q: What's that butterfly for? A: It looks pretty.

If the Louvre was destroyed with it's contents, what would the consequence be?

Billy on the Street Bit. Mo Rocca or Louix Thorou Wrong! That's Ira Glass!

is it a true paradox if it doesn't translate to a different language?

politicians are paid scapegoats

did L Ron Hubbard have a mother and a dog?

poison food

first caveman who decided to write down the last thing people ate before they died. He realizes a common food is poisonous but struggles in convincing people.

Is watching sports physically healthier for you than watching cartoons (mirror neurons)

mouth operated flashlight

People ask me if I have a poor memory because I'm always writing stuff down. I tell them I have a great memory, I just don't keep it all in my head.

glasses are condoms for butterfly kisses

ON a scale of 1-10 1 being apathy and 10 being pride, where is cool? I'm thinking 3-4.

Let's take this fight outside. IN fact lets take it to Vietnam. That way if I lose I won't be the only American who fought in Vietnam and lost. t

story about a lonely suicidal person who wants to commit suicide but has a friend who convinces them to go super in debt to do bucket list before committing suicide. Only person on roller coaster with arms down ice cream melting over hand in a ball pit or a bed with a million pillows cut between these scenes with the same facial expression

Girls Wanna have fun > YMCA

Superman likes warhead candy, but not the black cherry. Too sour.

What is stalling gas mileage. Compare to human brain.

"You were in the infantry? That's pretty fancy, most of my family never made it out of childbirth?" - Brett Emmerson

France wishes it was an island

Green light means go... back to bed

How many questions do you ask a day. What are the averages for different age groups?

The bottom of hell is frozen because heat rises. That's why there's snow on the top of mountains. When Hell freezes "Over"

If you can play basketball, you can make friends in america.

F Lee Bailey.