Michael medler

Steven pine

I wouldn't want to be Confucius' son

The son of Sun Tzu

Chris smith

I'm the kind of guy that laughs at a funeral. Can't understand what I mean? It's been 20 years since this song came out, I don't think it's going to happen.

Force feeding dentures

The maid stole my towels

Moths are inside bats

You wanna buy a gun go to a handball court

Please don't trespass against me. I don't want to have to forgive you.

Have you ever licked the ground. It doesn't taste very good, it's true in every country.

Magician drug gang

You ever sleep wrong?

I like to skip but I don't like to do it in public because the general consensus on skipping is that it's gay. I think it's actually the other kind of gay but people got confused.

Gay is taking over light hearted happy things

Cooler weapons than guns

I don't like the ground

Money has different value to old people

The next major human evolutionary cleave will be technology based.

All Samsung users die. Everyone who doesn't use T-Mobile dies. Everyone with a cell phone in their pocket dies

I was thinking about inventing time travel today, but I think I'll put it off till tomorrow. No hurry.

Candy

Crowd work where you mishear everything

I used to be disheveled, now you m in the process of shevelding

Sentanced to bad grammar for life

Hummus in broth

Meat as a garnish

The sun is 1000 light seconds away

The sun is three light hours away

Stretching to make space for strength

Would you rather be a man or a woman?

Blind vs deaf

Blind you can live in an ugly place, you can have an ugly wife. You can work in a khaki office with no windows. A rocking chair on the porch looking at a sunset iver the ocean and a big brick wall look about the same only one is a lot cheaper.

Respect and mayonnaise

Blind and deaf

If I went deaf I bet I would get a song stuck in my head that I learned before I went deaf, but I only half remembered it and now I will never be able to learn the rest?

History fan fiction like man in high castle

Roll up white board

Fold away podium

Homeless celebrity reality show

Anenomie aquarium. Pet

If a food doesn't look tasty, it's already failed its first test.

Go on stage and describe untasty food, call it "polish ___"

Hot dog rolled in pop rocks, polish pasty

Harder than a Chinese crossword

Insurance companies should have their own police for prevention

Who are old superheroes

Is there a fancy way to cook hot dogs?

Aluminum foil wallpaper

You ever quit something before you start?  Somehow it still feels good.
Maybe I'll be a doctor. It looks hard. Maybe not.

Sunset blue

I need to restrain my zealousy

Has anyone ever cared when something sponsors something?  Oh, this game is sponsored by Bud Light? I guess I won't watch the Stanley Cup, NBA on TNT is sponsored by Verizon.

No one ever asks their friend if they show up late, "Hey so who sponsored this game?"

Soap has it's own kind of opera.
How big of an industry is soap?
I think soap should come out with their own type of

Johnson and Johnson is buying Netflix.

Can't we have robot glasses by now?

Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori