Girls have to schedule around clothes

On stage, eyes closed

There's almost no chair that wouldn't be a little bit better if you added a pillow.

Favorite word is overzealous

Makes bjorn borg look like magnus Magnuson

Black and white movies aren't as memorable because they don't have color.

When was the last time someone used a wrecking ball

It would be cool to be a music agent for retired artists who aren't producing music anymore. Buy and bundle rights, get to meet cool old musicians.

My friend lost his cat and I suggested that she put up a lost cat sign with a picture of her cat. She said "I didn't know you could take pictures of a cat"

Wouldn't it be fine if I could just rhyme every line in a jokes sentence?
It would be devine, if I could only find
A way to convey a funny premise
And yes I know that I just rhymed the word premise with premise.
I've quickly run out of steam on the entire premise
And really I could say anything and it would technically rhyme as long as I end the phrase with the word premise...

They should call red delicious apples red not delicious, it's not a very good apple... Premise

When Charles Darwin realized that we evolved from making monkey I bet he was like "I wished I invented the Frisbee."-Karl Pilkington

Didn't you play the sidekick "Dunstin Checks In"

Is it legal to drive if you are bleeding profusely?

Having arms is like having two tails. If I lost my arms I would fall over a lot.

I only buy whole milk. If you want a drink  that's low fat, don't drink milk.

Sean and hayes for weekend update chairs

Story about a boy who stares at the sun and is blind with only in the center. A circle at what would normally be the focal point. It develops this character as one who sees everything at once, able to see without focus or direction.

when you look straight up, on a clear day how high do you see?

If you look out to the sky during a sunset, where is the top? Is it at the horizon. So why don't we feel like the top of the sky is directly above us, like every other time we've prepositioned. Why does the sky feel higher up 'over there' than it does overhead.

If you ask people which direction is the top of the sky.

Shahareizade would be a great Dungeon Master.

Ralph cramden  "strain"

Things that are ugly to look at aren't nearly as bad as things that smell repulsive

My grandmother made me a Cheesecake for my birthday. I said grandma, this Cheesecake tastes different than most Cheesecakes I've had. She said, well I put a special ingredient in it just for you. And I was like, what is it. And she said love. I like Cheesecakes better when they were made without care or individual attention. Like a Cheesecake extruded onto a conveyer belt. Do you know where I could get a Cheesecake from a place like that. Like a Cheesecake factory of sorts.

Have you ever been tricked by a blindfold?

I started a new candy company. I call the candy worthers.

Has anyone ever used an oxygen mask on an airplane or known anyone who has?

Cheesecake factory. You ever ask your grandmother what her secret ingredient is and she says love. What if we made a store that made that bragged about the lack if individual attention or love.

Why are there so many wedding dress stores. I've never been inone and I walked by three just to get here

Protest signs no one disagrees with

Two guys walk into a bar...  And they don't laugh at any of my jokes.

You might recognize our next comic from...  Old references

Does shit by any other name still smell as bad?

I hate people who judge others for one quality. And hypocrites.

An all female pirate ship

Addicted to the ridiculous. Suspicious of the superfluous.

Are banana peels even slippery?

Go funk and wagnalls yourself

I don't once played to an audience of 20,000 people. I did a 20 minute set on an I-5 overpass. I think a lot of it went over people's heads.

How do you not eavesdrop?  You can't close your ears like you can your eyes.

Did you hear that they are thinking of changing the order of the alphabet so that it matches the order on a keyboard?

Im surprised tonya harding situations don't happen way more often

You know when it's raining and you see a worm halfway across the sidewalk. Where's it going? And how come there's so many of them? Do birds not eat worms anymore? You'd think a rainy day would be a birds favorite day. "you mean I getto sleep in?"

Equality! More female cab drivers.

It's not ok to hit a woman but what about spitting on her face?

Cockburn Town is the capital city of the Turks and Caicos Island

Wow, you write like Emily Dickinson, or  Emily Dick in Mouth.

Make udders go to word

Who signed your shoes?
George Thurgood and Venus Di Milo.

Man on the street interview, pretend to be a blind interviewer. Go up to a group of girls, ask their name and then ask who has the biggest tits. Then ask her all the questions.

Debate podcast

You can tell if someone has messy hair or if they are just going for the "messy hair"  look by how baggy their clothes are.