Things that are ugly to look at aren't nearly as bad as things that smell repulsive

My grandmother made me a Cheesecake for my birthday. I said grandma, this Cheesecake tastes different than most Cheesecakes I've had. She said, well I put a special ingredient in it just for you. And I was like, what is it. And she said love. I like Cheesecakes better when they were made without care or individual attention. Like a Cheesecake extruded onto a conveyer belt. Do you know where I could get a Cheesecake from a place like that. Like a Cheesecake factory of sorts.

Have you ever been tricked by a blindfold?

I started a new candy company. I call the candy worthers.

Has anyone ever used an oxygen mask on an airplane or known anyone who has?

Cheesecake factory. You ever ask your grandmother what her secret ingredient is and she says love. What if we made a store that made that bragged about the lack if individual attention or love.

Why are there so many wedding dress stores. I've never been inone and I walked by three just to get here

Protest signs no one disagrees with

Two guys walk into a bar...  And they don't laugh at any of my jokes.

You might recognize our next comic from...  Old references

Does shit by any other name still smell as bad?

I hate people who judge others for one quality. And hypocrites.

An all female pirate ship

Addicted to the ridiculous. Suspicious of the superfluous.

Are banana peels even slippery?

Go funk and wagnalls yourself

I don't once played to an audience of 20,000 people. I did a 20 minute set on an I-5 overpass. I think a lot of it went over people's heads.

How do you not eavesdrop?  You can't close your ears like you can your eyes.

Did you hear that they are thinking of changing the order of the alphabet so that it matches the order on a keyboard?

Im surprised tonya harding situations don't happen way more often

You know when it's raining and you see a worm halfway across the sidewalk. Where's it going? And how come there's so many of them? Do birds not eat worms anymore? You'd think a rainy day would be a birds favorite day. "you mean I getto sleep in?"

Equality! More female cab drivers.

It's not ok to hit a woman but what about spitting on her face?

Cockburn Town is the capital city of the Turks and Caicos Island

Wow, you write like Emily Dickinson, or  Emily Dick in Mouth.

Make udders go to word

Who signed your shoes?
George Thurgood and Venus Di Milo.

Man on the street interview, pretend to be a blind interviewer. Go up to a group of girls, ask their name and then ask who has the biggest tits. Then ask her all the questions.

Debate podcast

You can tell if someone has messy hair or if they are just going for the "messy hair"  look by how baggy their clothes are.

Nationalist joke
I cant take a country seriously that has... On their money

Canada: Maurice Richard

I growing up thinking that it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown. I blame my depression on a motivational poster misprint.

Vinko bogataj

They should call red delicious red not delicious

Fake medium psychic act

If Gatorade is such a great thirst quencher why do they sell it in such large bottles?

I like to learn, I like to educate myself you know. Get smart. You know what I learned recently? Cunt, is a bad word. I thought it was a good word. Where have I been?

Best self portrait
Durer
Van gough
DaVinci
Rembrandt

Wagner has the worst chinstrap beard ever

Good thing Jesus died on the cross instead of something else, he might have died for our foibles.

Which two historical figures would have interesting progeny?

I believe that application of art can be objective when compared in a exactly similar genre.

makes ingrid newkirk look like p.t. barnum

Vast Deference

Deference should never be described as "vast"

Billy mitchell should do twitch

It's amazing how much stuff is worth nothing

You know those floor mats thing for kids that has the the birds eye view of roads and buildings. Why was that so popular?

Why be a clown? The only reason you would want to do it is to make people happy, but people don't like clowns.
Clowns might be the least effective people at their jobs.

If they changed the order of the alphabet I don't think my life would change very much. It doesn't matter much to me if h comes before j or after w. The biggest problem would be having to relearn the new alphabet song, the old one wouldn't do me much good anymore.
And our current alphabet song would sound absurd.
Singing it to my grandkids.  ABC...
Grandfather why would such a song exist? Who would write such an absurd song and why do you know it so well.

To be an effective politician, find the most efficient middleman of each industry that intersects with your jurisdiction