What is Christmas and how do I marry it?

"Merry Everything! " card vs.
"Marry Everything! " card

Were the hottest girls in highschool ever  the cheerleaders in real life?

you (...) as beautiful as you look you sing as beautiful as you look you shoot as beautiful as you look

Do you think bill Clinton behind closed doors ever said "grab them by the pussy"

Ask Bill Clinton and Tiger woods,  "what points in your life when quality of pussy being thrown at you went up by the most."

How Boeing sees Trump. "It's a difficult responsibility That you accept from the number-one lawmaker, me Have it known throughout the land from sea to sea There'll be no more toymakers to the King!"

New Jim Crow:
Cant vote and wear Jordan's
Have to...
Etc

Do you think when Trump gets inaugurated he will change his twitter handle to PresidentDonaldTrump?

My employment application asked if I was a runaway.

I like to play games with ironic bravado. It doesn't work as well if you win.

Play a game where you try to guess someones name just by looking at them. Once names are locked in, shout out your guess and see if the person turns.

What do you think about medical experiments on humans.
What should the limits to medical experiments be?

Any time you would say "shit" instead say "shoot".
"I almost shoot my pants"
"What a piece of shoot"

There aren't very many half indians.
What race is the least mixed?

Gross world product in 2016 is projected at $75.21 trillion US military value 17.5 Trillion 1.5 million employees 800 bn annual budget United States was the world's largest exporter of major arms, accounting for 31 per cent of global shares citizen gun laws are hypocritical no amount of citizen guns could beat the us military

the worst of jefferson airplane, a 3 cd compilation

Which nationalitys are emotional and which are stolid.

argue and use wrong facts and you can bait and predict your opponents next move

What percentage of people go to heaven vs hell.

sketch where someone comes home with dinosaur meat they stole from the lab. the vegetarian refuses to eat it and everyone else gets superpowers

Military heaven

danny glover pba commercial

People from some places are nice and some places are jerks.  Omaha is good.  Ohio is bad. Hey sideburns!  I know you're from Ohio.

I had a paper route.  I used to deliver paper for dunder Mifflin in Scranton Pennsylvania. Joe biden was on my route and i had to be sure he got his paper before he got on the amtrac down to dc

Obama cologne

I played the moustache in Sully

The brain loves to think and I love my brain so I try to think as much as I can

Redd fox in the crowd at prices is right and then gets called up.

Everybody in North korea is required to wear Jordan's and hanes

Stare at a girl across the bar.  Mime an action and get her to follow then have her switch to lead, dance back and forth.
If you can't communicate physically,  how good you think the fuck

i like to shave my neck first, that way, if i mess up and slit my thoat, I won't have wasted time shaving my face

funny story about people who live under an absurd dictator

Name my son "Master"

Impression of Steven wright doing woody allen jokes

It would be funny if trump asked hiliary to take her old job back on the cabinet.

Why doesn't the acting president allow the succeding President to job shadow until inauguration

What percentage of crimes are reported.
What type of crime is the least likely to be reported?
What demographic is the least likely to report crime.

If Obama was assassinated he would be more popular than JFK

Dave Chappelle impression
hit knee with mike step back laugh
"Word"

Makes B.A. Baracus look like Urkel

Tim from moonshiners looks like Jeremy renner

How did Jesus die for our sins. How would his crucifixion be different if he decided not to. How are my sins forgiven.

Jesus died for our sins. How? What did he do to accomplish this. Why did he do it?

Mary saying "oh god" in bed with Joseph

Chevy should give a corvette to ann

Dog student

Teach dog to sit on laser point

Games for dogs

Press buttons to change color to unlock treat

I need 2 vaccuums, one for the rug and one for the floor

I heard "______" paid madden $$$ to make his crotch bigger

Everything I know about money I learned from a jack-in-the-box and my quilting business is about to declare bankruptcy.

Good looking on the cooking

Begin stand up by using yoga suggestions to calm crowd, then gradually transition to angry yoga teacher