They say jesus died for our sins. What does that mean? If I don't sin did he die in vain? Its like all our sins he put on his tab. You'd feel like a jerk ordering as much as you can, but everyone else seems to be doing it.
It basically means that you can always be forgiven and past bad behavior does not doom you to repeat your actions.

I replaced the springs in my mattress with the springs from my trampoline, its a lot easier to jump out of bed in the morning.

Do you think loan sharks are lonely?  gary larson style comic showing the annual meeting of loan sharks and they are all sitting a considerable distance from one another

Knees

I went to the doctor to ask him to get rid of these strange bumps on my legs. He said those are your knees (read needs) I said its more of a request.

Sundial

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless your clock is a sundial.

The ancient Greeks invented the sundial, but how did they tell time at night?
They'd ask someone in china what time it was over there and add 12 hours

history major jokes

Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it, until they give up and become philisophy majors

"Who gives a shit" test for audiences

sexism-racism

Equate racial separate but equal to sexual, having different bathrooms is wrong. "I had a dream that men and women shared the same bathroom"

grammy nominated

album of little girls singing nonsense songs

billion for boris horror movie

running theme opening

tv show that always begins in a classroom and decays into absurd fantastical daydreams

life over everything

equate why i am not vegan with why i am pro life

Opening line, "I love niggers. is that racist?"

Whenever I hear "9/11"u think the terrorists are winning

Down to georgia

The devil went down to georgia, so basically chatlie daniels is saying Georgia is below hell. Like it goes heaven earth hell, then Georgia

tywin lannister's story is the most kafkaesque since the bird himself

questions quwstons

im going around the country and i want to see how people feel, whats really on their mind, deeper than they go on most occasions except for a few second glimpses a day during the rare occurances that a real decision must be made

strong mentor

a dying man is a strong honest mentor character

strong mentor

a dying man is the best mentor

questions for anyone? what do i want to learn, what do i want to teach, how to do covertly or overtly

best things in life

list of best things in life: your kiss

euelogy poem

great eulogy poem the exequy by henry king

who played madea better, judith anderson or tyler perry

you know what my dad used to say

I want to become a father without a child, in order to do this i must assemble a life's worth of "you know what my dad always said" but for myself

learn ene wilder impression

gene wilder impression, mad gameshow host "you get nothing!"

infinite sequals

sequal to 3 men and a baby, 4 men and a baby, 5 men and a baby, 6 men and a baby. oceans 11 was actually the 10th sequel, matt daemon played the baby.

i don't believe i'm better than a criminal, just that i haven't encountered the same temptations (there but for the grace of god go i)

is prison slavery? a world where the punnishment for breaking the law is slavery to the person you harmed

eye for an eye

what kind of actions would be necessary for society to forgive each cardinal indiscretion. child murder, give one of your own children, your child isn't as good, go through the progressive discussion of what would make up indiscretion. how about what could make up for rape? theft is easier, (what about blasphemy (not to be confused with obscenity)the reason the church would accept money as pentance payment is that the discretion didn't actually harm anyone)

genie pranks

a story about the history of a prankster genie and how he tricked people who made poor wishes, exe if you could fly but your max speed was like 1 mph, wish for so much money that the currency goes bankrupt, good intentioned wishes like savin the rainforest or global warming or racism or overpopulation resulting in modest proposal type solutions exe magic carpet turns bald man into werewolf magician

very merry

tell every audience it's my birthday, or unbirthday, today instead of doing celebrity birthdays, celebrity unbirthdays

"thanks obama"

a collection of people playing the system who are no longer able and they all say "thanks obama" sarcaastically advertisment for democrats

southern insult

does this place serve biscuts? cause i feel like im lookin at a goddamn barrel full of crackers

yeah right!

i gotta learn an owen wilson impression https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGYGhAPlsVM

flag day

pitch a holiday movie for underappreciated holiday (this flag day)

Topic, what age should kids get their own computer?

Real life style action movie with a sword and sharpenrd staff in the jungle, fight realistic boa, jaguar, and gorilla

Giant lollypop case

compare having a pet to having a uncle tom slave cats are like field king perspective endorses both actions, uses n word, is activly racist

im bad at remembering names of actors in movies and it makes me seem like a racist

amazing race

an amazing race sketch where people on the street are slow and unhelpful, fred armisen

best and worst animals to be male or female

best seahorse (give birth) big fish (leech life) and worst bee (leech life more extreem, worker to reward ratioi, counter with ability to seee and enjoy flowers more than any person) kangaroo (pouch, counter with fighting story) animal to be the guy and girl, end with humans and where you think we lie inbetween

cheesecake factory

cheesecake factory is a success because cakes made with love had oversaturated the market

pitbull

pitbull always looks like an impersonator of himself. thats how he got famous, he can be in many places at once

business within silicon valley where everyone dresses like 30's gangsters all the time

ice prank

fill refrigerator ice machine with something other than ice exe cherries

non linear testing brainstorm

abstract nonlinear testing, et data from wrong answers, it the person guessing? did they make a common mistake? what was that mistake and what are the most common mistakes? break apart what each question is asking the greatest difficulty will be recognizin all the different kinds of mistakes. we want to identify gaps in knowledge rather than successes. more difficult questions with lower full success rate but encourage partial credit multiple choice make more questions with multiple parts but keep knowledge areas more discrete (not having answers build on one another) aptitude tests that also help to diagnoise psychological problems multiple choice math should be word bank instead?

custom ads

customize each podcast advertisement by directing it towards a very specific target market.

born sucker

there's a sucker born every minute so i stay away from hard candy cause im a vegan

comedy bits based on disliking a common comfort, exe. "does anyone else hate blankets?"