Crime patrol instead of solving crimes with technology, they do it with racism and police brutality

The problem with talking to nerds is that they are uninteresting and the talk too fast. Makes you wanna say "slow down and shit up"

Better corn, pop or pepper?

What's the deal with the Y? You can play basketball and kids can get swimming lessons.

Hannah looks like she'd challenge everyone in this place to an arm wrestling contest and call you a bitch if you said no and. A pussy when when she slams your arm into the table 

Is DC a district in Columbia? How

What's the best shape for a gummy to be in?

Wrong, airplane. You see Americans might have invented the real airplane but the British invented the gummy airplane and we have yet to catch up to that gummy technology.

Hannah's arms 

make her look like olive oile accidentally ate Popeyes sinach.

Makes Popeye after he's eaten his spinach look like Popeye before he's eaten his spinach.

I don't think Staples earned their name. Staples are not that important. l it's just like a little piece of metal. 

Do you believe you have to be cruel to be kind?

Codename yusef Palestine

Take 1, take 2, take sours (takes hours)

I judge books by their covers but even more by their title

You know when they say, if the shoe Fitz. This is the shoe they were talking about

Silber is Yiddish for really funny comedy

You look like you could Wang Chung all night

You wanna Wang Chung tonight?

You ever throw up ice cream and it's still cold? That's a great day.

Whats no important. Having a good season or a goodpost season

As a rich guy people stereotype me in a lot of ways like, they think I have a lot of money.

Unfortunately I'm incredibly underachieving, and let's just say I'm not very liquid.

Quiznoed is my new term for really high (baked)

18 h in a GC genius test but all for drugs

Remember Quiznos?

What's going on with Quiznos? It's not looking good.

Quiznos was doing good when they were the first to realize you could toast the bread.

But then Subway stole the quiznoifacation technology. You might not remember this but before 2005 if you wanted you sandwich quiznoed, you had to go to Quiznos. 

Now I can Quiznos a sandwich by myself at home 

realized that they could just buy a toaster, toast wasn't patented or anything.

Measuring time in Barney

Dance instructional videos never tell you what to do with your face.

In ballet my student had to dance sad or mad for the whole dance and holding it was the hardest part

They say you loose 80% of your heat out your head. But how much of that is your kneck?

Top of your head's got hair on it to keep you warm. your neck? Completely exposed to the elements. 

And where does your neck stop and head start.

For some of us it's less clear, especially in the front. In the back nobody knows. 

Ok I'm going to do some audience participation. 

Tell me when I get to the top of my neck. Say when.

(Use microphone as indicator and slowly slide up the back of the head over the top and down.)

Hannah roast jokes:

Hannah has three children. How Hannah got three children, unclear.

Hannah takes care of her three kids with her two exes of indeterminate size shape race gender or sexual orientation. When I picture Hannah's two exes I picture... 

The Pokemon Missingno and a chack outline of a dead body 

Saw a midget start to run. He threw his head forward like a bull and ran with his body at a 45 degree angle

The guy who founded Arby's was like, you know what people love? Roast beef.

He was wrong

How do you land a kite?

The thing about kites, great at flying, no denying em that. But as good as they are at flying, equally bad at landing?

Good thing that kite ideas didn't take off. Airports would be rediculous.

I feel like we buy clothes very cavilerly these days.

Back in the day if you bought a shirt, that was your shirt. 

So you were going way more out on a limb with your fashion decisions, you had to be very aware. You buy a hat that's too Brown and all of a sudden you're brown hat guy for the rest of your life, or until you wear out a hat 

It's hard to wear out a hat. They don't get alot of wear and tear, not like the knees of your jeans.

Takes a while to wear out a hat, even if you wear it every day.

They say you lose 80 % of your heat out of your head. But what about your neck?

Caligri fiends

No woman no cry. Sound like the best of both worlds

Dennis Miller concentration 64

Write a bit about "Why is there air"

I saw a guy drink a milkshake so thicc I thought time was slowing down

My friends call me "gleefully insusient"

Build a 100 foot kite and fly like jesus

What kind of shoes does a man with no arms wear.

Flip flops

I love that feeling when you first step into your home, that comfort and relief that washes over you. And I'm like a dog, I can go get the mail and come back and still get that same buzz

Pull out Stick of butter like chapstick

Pronouns are like immigrants, trying to take jobs from good upstanding proper nouns. Undercutting

Decay is unflattering

All the Marco Polo recipies

Asian serial killer

Go to your house halfway open the jars for so you feel strong

Dominance

Do my next set with attitude.

Reading fantasy porn

You ever write a birthday card for a grandparent and think, I might as well two birds one stone this one and make it a eulogy.