Jimmy Goldstein biggest basketball fan

I don't trust doctors, their tolerance for blood is suspicious

Is phone sex gay?

Was Buffalo a genocide?

I'm having a lot of daydreams that involve me saying "fuck you" I don't remember most of the rest of it but that moment snaps me out pretty good cause it's relatively out of character

Sunglasses in 1 lense

How many times have blind people been hit in the head hoping to shake something loose

The unreported issue about bestiality, is all of the animals raping humans. Way more common than the other way.

You ever have to pee really bad and then when you finally do it feels so good. Is it worth it.

"I'm serious right now"

Attempting to do a handstand on a trampoline at a house party at 3 am

You got any water cados?

When's the last time you told a lie

I like the song "I want candy" it expresees my deepest emotions

You every be like you know what I haven't done in a while? check your voicemail.

Dial it up I had 42 voicemails. Feel like Russian roulette. Going through the history of all the time I fucked up bad enough that  someone had to call and leave me a message.

James: we da juice in The Juice

It's a childish game to change b and c not tough. It just sounds funny

Talk like a gangster but in pig latin, or zoom language

Walked by a group of white women on the street. Heard one say "Is that sage?" And ive never seen a gaggle more precisely personified

You're like a coiled spring. A lotta potential

I've been having a hard time figuring out what's a sign and when I'm just stupid 

How often do you take a deep breath

Making a soup for yourself, trials and tribulations.

You ever be walking the wrong way for way too long. 

You catch yourself when you think, I should be there by now but I don't feel close

My favorite politician was r bud Dwyer

Calling star wars star trek shouldn't still be funny except it still makes nerds correct you which is funny

What was the most surprising death that ever happened on April fool's day

the best massage I ever got was a hand massage from lawrence xing during in 4th grade when our class when to see a play, i think it was the crucible

Bring my own microphone so I can drop the mic

One of The cheapest thing you can buy is a stamp, send a letter a cross the country for 50¢ I can't even get 1 nugget for that

I was talking to my dad and he said he doesn't understand haters. He was talking with my mom about Megan markle

Have you ever been so excited that you pee

You make Suzy chapstick look like...

Just came he from a weekend out of town. Had to go to the bathroom so bad. O rush into my apartment and I've accidentally left the heat on so many times I literally said, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" Turns out it was just me.

Trying to assert my dominance more 

Go to someone's house, start baking cookies. Swap out the lightbulb for a different color.

I only sit in purple.

Going to Costco is like going to vegas

Astronauts put their pants on both legs at a time with help from a friend

Guys don't go to the doctor right away because married guys have built up a tolerance to nagging pestering annoyances.

You ever leave your home and two minutes later you think to yourself, I should have gone to the bathroom before I left

Have you ever seen someone who looks so much like a Job that you want to shout Jon just to see if they turn their head.

What do you think about warm fruit.

Just a bowl of room temperature fruit 

Doesn't seem as good as cold but there's no natural reason

I hate it when people say "I couldn't care less" when what they really mean is "I couldn't care fewer"

What if Mlk's dream was a daydream

response to a heckler "the power of christ compels you" what does that even mean? did the demon forget? what's so compelling

A labrynth is a room!

I love small talk. Let's keep it small

Parkour setting on Google maps

Odouls cigarettes

has anyone ever been converted by a door-to-door protheletizer?

One thing about people a hundred years ago? 

They were much less concerned about being knee deep in swamp water.

When they should have been more concerned, those aren't quick drying fabrics, there's no gortex.

1 million mom's is the weakest 1 million.

Have you ever thought you lost something that was important but not urgent so you put off looking for it to delay the truth