What's the smallest increment of candy that you eat one at a time,

Not nerds, not mnms

Don't worry I'm flying in coach/koch brothers private plane

Jesus died on the cross. Better or worse than 9-11

Most famous death of all time was Jesus. We all know how he died. Very famously. If you don't know, turn to the nearest  Italian or Mexican man and ask to inspect at their necklase.

And you would think that after having the most famous death of all time. You'd think

Game of thrones "what kind of God would bring me back just to kille again." George RR Martin, me , and real god. He brought Jesus back for three days just to kill him again

How do you think Jesus died the second time?
Falling down a flight of stairs, tripped on his flip flops.

What I've learned from blouse shopping is that I have big armpits

How did Jesus die the second time?

I'm not a fan of sequels Jesus' second death was not as good.

I don't know anyone who would seriously be offended by a nine 11 joke. Oh no, those people died. If you pretend to give a shit, get out of my life.
It's the least edgy thing for the rep it gets

Hobos only have an oral tradition

Empty-anthropic

I wish my car window was 10x faster

My favorite yamasaki building is the Ranier. Never forget

Why doesn't Trump own a sports team.

How is Temple University dealing with the Cosby fallout

Country time lemonade fun dip replacement

How long ago did people know not to drink while pregnant. The generation after alcohol was invented all the children had fetal alcohol

Rice paper made me uncautiously optimistic

Saw a guy with a tattoo of a banana on one calf and a three scoop ice cream on the other.

I bet he loves banana splits

I think I have an Oedipious complex, I really want to stab my eyes out

Kinves for the homeless charity

Lightbulb below deck does the same thing to humidity as my balls

First guy to do finger guns

The guy who invented the camera invented child porn

Pina colada song but it's all drinks.

If you like Pina colada
If you like long island ice tea
If you like red wine
If you like and IPA
If you like drinkin wine at midnight

We write Adam Sandler a movie

The beach men

Beck Becker Beckest

Tuck Tucker Tuckest

Greatest bedtime story in the world tribute

"The Binge" all about the day before the purge

Big picture like Guernica

If you know the difference between ignious an metamorphic than you know the rich history of destruction

Dying your hair blond is my cultural appropriation

I'm a zagger not a zigger

If you're not racist you're culturally insensitive

My favorite cereal is King Vitamin

Shawshank 2 the Redemption

Bald and haired men had better  solidarity in the time of hats

If I was Charlotte from Charlotte's web. I'd probably choose different adjectives.

Getting a phone call in the modern era is like getting a letter 15 years ago

When people say they are from Germany, respond like Korea and ask east or west.

I woke up last night to the sound of thunder. How far off I sat and wondered. Started humming a song from 1962.

Ain't it funny how the night moves?

No one laughed? Damn that lying Bob segar bastard.

An oversized apple is a sign that the sugars have transferred to carbohydrates sacrificing sweetness for size.

Are you listening New York?

I wanna write a book but put it in size 28 font so it's 1500 pages.

The ground is cold, and hard.

The ground is too hard but it's kindof our fault for walking on it for a million years

What animal has the worst scream

This dude is so nonchalant, he's laid all the way the way back. He's casual to a T.

He's a casualty of war.

Casualties of war seems pretty nonchalant.

I got in an accident this weekend, now I have scissors for a hand. And what's worse is it's not even cool like Edward scissor hands. I just got the handle end. I can still open it, but not as useful. And even way less useful than a real hand.

the good side of the scissors where I could do some cutting. It's the handle end. And what's even worse? Right handed scissors, which you would think would be good for a right hand, but not if

The ground is old

Steven wright is Woody Allen with out the sex or neurotosism

I think getting into heaven is too hard. And the older you are the harder it is.