I woke up last night to the sound of thunder. How far off I sat and wondered. Started humming a song from 1962.

Ain't it funny how the night moves?

No one laughed? Damn that lying Bob segar bastard.

An oversized apple is a sign that the sugars have transferred to carbohydrates sacrificing sweetness for size.

Are you listening New York?

I wanna write a book but put it in size 28 font so it's 1500 pages.

The ground is cold, and hard.

The ground is too hard but it's kindof our fault for walking on it for a million years

What animal has the worst scream

This dude is so nonchalant, he's laid all the way the way back. He's casual to a T.

He's a casualty of war.

Casualties of war seems pretty nonchalant.

I got in an accident this weekend, now I have scissors for a hand. And what's worse is it's not even cool like Edward scissor hands. I just got the handle end. I can still open it, but not as useful. And even way less useful than a real hand.

the good side of the scissors where I could do some cutting. It's the handle end. And what's even worse? Right handed scissors, which you would think would be good for a right hand, but not if

The ground is old

Steven wright is Woody Allen with out the sex or neurotosism

I think getting into heaven is too hard. And the older you are the harder it is.

I like Yasser sarawan because he has a great smile when he wins

The test to get into heaven is too hard. Only babies can pass.

hire a Hitman to kill you immediately after your baptism. Afterlife hack

I want to die Young because I don't want to be old in heaven.

How far into my day before I sin?
Wake up to my alarm clock, hit the snooze button. Sloth.

Heaven is filled with babies and born again Christians five minutes after their baptism.

Who from history is in heaven and who is in hell?

Where we're going, roads are superfluous.

Have you ever bought the wrong kind of beans? You're like I have to boil this for 4 hours and all I get is beans.

What if "art in heaven" was a euphemism for, going to the bathroom.

Sign language but only knows letters

It's the only language I can output but not input

Cigar umbrella

Went to a dog party. It was mostly just people knocking on the door and everyone getting excited to great the new person

Kurds and whey, that's not a very exciting meal. I guess it's a balanced breakfast. You gou your curds you got your whey.

Color guy / colored guy feels like a trap

Most dancing looks like you just made it up
This is why dancing with a partner is so powerful. You can do stupid moves but it still looks intentional

Have you ever seen identical twins? It's creepy. I don't like twins. I don't like twins so much I sympathize with the terrorists.

how come the crowd being loud makes offese harder but not defence i feel liike silence makes free throws harder

Behind the scenes at a music video going to game store and buying all the Monopoly games

Guns is white people culture. Don't appropriate

when you're a child you think your parents are so smart, but really they're just the first person to pass on the knowledge that everyone has

Arkansas is so boring they couldn't even find a medium sized rock.

Guys dress increasingly stupid so you'll insult it and they'll have a reason to get in a fight

I'm not a fan of weather

Rain jokes

Violet boluregard grown up

Bury me in a podcastket

Im the kinda guy that laughs at 4 weddings and a funeral.

the worst candy doesn't have a name, its just dark yellow in a clear plastic wrap

watermelon is one of the few things that is judged by the color of it's insides.

what weights more the inside or the outside of a watermelon. Depends how hungry you are.

I want a girlfriend just so I can buy a watermelon at the grocery store and not fell intimidated.

What about the optimistic suicidal

Not enough foods are aphrodisiacs these days. Back in the day Evey leaf and root was being marketed as an aphrodisiac.

Write a rap for Ryan renolds about renolds wrap aluminum foil

Are school shooters usually sober?

A can of lope

The closer you are to the ground the easier you are to kick. They say don't kick a man when he's down but the reason they have to tell you that is because it would be so easy.

Trees are more brown than green. You got to remember the roots. By volume too.

Train crowd to pick up cigarette butts for food. They start taking cigarettes out of people's hands. Loitering around people who smoke.