Time period where they never cut umbilical cord

Jim crow

how would NFL be different if everyone had to play both ways

I went to the dentist and he said my mouth was dirty. I said fuck you.

I'm not marrying no clumsy woman. I ain't going to the hospital and say she fell down the stairs.

If you meet Drew Carey mistake him for Art Donovan

Noel coward

"my nephew can beat up your nephew"

Alvin Simon and Brother Theodore

With global warming comes the rise of the insects

Started exercising recently
Started doing this move (sumo stomp) 2 hours a day. I do it while watching a movie then I eat a big bowl of everything in the fridge and take a 2 hour nap.

Dennis Miller on letterman = 1.25 Leno on Letterman

Ferris bueler but for a 12 year old

Raindeer should be called snow deer

Ask John Waters to direct a 3 stooges porno

Its exhausting to hold almost any pose for a long period of time.

I love this city, you take a taxi and you don't have to pay. i do anyway but it's nice to know I don't have to

how come scratch and sniff never made it to the next level

Matt Damon sings Ben by Michael Jackson

My brother got a new baby. It's very unreasonable. I tread to reason with it and it wouldn't reason with me!

When discussing abortion, one perspective that is rarely mentioned, are those who want to but who are unable to conceive. Their feeling of despondency that accompanies an evolutionary necessity unfilled. I can sympathize with jealously and given anonymous power to lash out, would I act any better?

I like people who don't like the group they are a part of.

I like John Waters becasue he "has an odd way of making things seem ok". By living in the taboo and unknown he can navigate and guide you around in a way that makes it feel human and ok

box of milk duds in your pocket on a talk show

no due tre quattro cinque. Didn't he kidnap william randolph hearts't granddaughter and they robbed a bank?

Compton elected Sonny Bono as a congressman from 1995-1999

My taste in comics is really wide, from John Waters to John Witherspoon

Roger Ebert wrote, Beyond The Valley of the Dolls. You wouldn't guess by his critiques

When you say something outloud, you want to believe it. And of the class, of "things you want to believe" how many of those are true? If they are true then they are self evident and need not vocalization. But by saying something out loud, it shows your need to reinforce belief in its truth. Why do you need that reinforcement? Because your belief is unstable? Are you insecure in allowing others to have differing beliefs. Do you feel it cuts into your foundation? You want to will it into truth? Sometimes this works. If an outside person agrees then it becomes truth. However, it becomes and remains their truth but is only yours for a moment. External support is fleeting. I'm not sure if this is true but I'd like to think that it is. It would make psychiatric diagnostics much easier.

I had a 5 min convo with my brother about john witherspoon before I realized I thought I had him mixed up with John Waters.

Or with a soup ladel

I can't believe John Witherspoon is Reese' Dad.

Lisa's last lease lapsed.

How come you don't feel energized when you're in a plane. You have just gained so much potential energy.

A nice climate overrides politics when it come to planning a vacation.
How do politics and climate correlate.

Reason why USA is better than Canada. Canada has less than 1 million Hispanics. That's a pretty small percentage who got to the US, said not for me and kept going. and then  didn't come back again once they realized what terrible mistake they made.

Does it make more sense to have a holiday in someone's honor on the day they were born or the day they die?
Or just put it on a Monday to make it a 3 day weekend. Thanks MLK.
Thanksgiving is even more egregious by choosing a Thursday. Who is not making that a 4 day weekend

Joji slow dancing in the dark Halloween costume

Horny-ental

I'm rarely serious and regularly safecious

I like commercials. I talk more about commercials than TV.

The narcissist therapist who thinks all her clients are narcissist

What if Will Rogers became Rogers and Hamerstein

"an explanation is where the mind comes to rest"

"He had the tenacious sanity of the slightly mad"- Moneyball

How did Trex masterbate. Can't reach

I'm a rude gold word machine

If you could play d&d with any character you want, not just fantasy characters.
What if I could be a 1940's professor from Hebrew university
Or Bruce durn from that John Wayne movie "The cowboys"

I saw this fly earlier today, you'd never guess what it was doing

I don't want to see a movie where the main character is less interesting than the actor who is playing them.

Halcyon Nights, parody of hollywood nights (bob seger)