I don't like the ground

Money has different value to old people

The next major human evolutionary cleave will be technology based.

All Samsung users die. Everyone who doesn't use T-Mobile dies. Everyone with a cell phone in their pocket dies

I was thinking about inventing time travel today, but I think I'll put it off till tomorrow. No hurry.

Candy

Crowd work where you mishear everything

I used to be disheveled, now you m in the process of shevelding

Sentanced to bad grammar for life

Hummus in broth

Meat as a garnish

The sun is 1000 light seconds away

The sun is three light hours away

Stretching to make space for strength

Would you rather be a man or a woman?

Blind vs deaf

Blind you can live in an ugly place, you can have an ugly wife. You can work in a khaki office with no windows. A rocking chair on the porch looking at a sunset iver the ocean and a big brick wall look about the same only one is a lot cheaper.

Respect and mayonnaise

Blind and deaf

If I went deaf I bet I would get a song stuck in my head that I learned before I went deaf, but I only half remembered it and now I will never be able to learn the rest?

History fan fiction like man in high castle

Roll up white board

Fold away podium

Homeless celebrity reality show

Anenomie aquarium. Pet

If a food doesn't look tasty, it's already failed its first test.

Go on stage and describe untasty food, call it "polish ___"

Hot dog rolled in pop rocks, polish pasty

Harder than a Chinese crossword

Insurance companies should have their own police for prevention

Who are old superheroes

Is there a fancy way to cook hot dogs?

Aluminum foil wallpaper

You ever quit something before you start?  Somehow it still feels good.
Maybe I'll be a doctor. It looks hard. Maybe not.

Sunset blue

I need to restrain my zealousy

Has anyone ever cared when something sponsors something?  Oh, this game is sponsored by Bud Light? I guess I won't watch the Stanley Cup, NBA on TNT is sponsored by Verizon.

No one ever asks their friend if they show up late, "Hey so who sponsored this game?"

Soap has it's own kind of opera.
How big of an industry is soap?
I think soap should come out with their own type of

Johnson and Johnson is buying Netflix.

Can't we have robot glasses by now?

Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori

I like having problems with easy solutions.  I like being tired. You don't need to go to a doctor to find a solution for that one.
When you're not tired you can't enjoy sleep
I like being hungry because there's so many good solutions.
When you are not hungry you don't get to enjoy eat
Hunger is the greatest seasoning

How come Howard dean was taken out in one meme but trump is somehow using them to make himself stronger

Play with the power of a secret

Rocc box

Bland statements whose opposite is also true.
"having a good day is better than having a bad day"

Penis flavored ice cream. For girls.

Setting very specific world records

Buying garbage bags just to throw them away

Man needs a maid music video

Value village date: buy an outfit that your partner has to wear for the rest of the day.

Tasting the grapes sourness with every blink that closed but did not reveal

Why do people make fun of prince for changing his name to a symbol. It's not like his name was really "prince" in the first place

Domini marketing for Republicans, "How To get a six-pack from behind your desk"

Have you ever been in one of those cars where the breaks and gas pedals are switched?
It's amazing how long it takes to get used to that. But not as difficult as driving on the other side of the road. I'm going to the UK in a few weeks so I thought I'd get some practice.

If you shot a gun in an old folks home, more people would die from shock hearing gunfire than would die by bullets.