Does anyone know anyone who ever had to use the oxygen mask on an airplane?

Do you know how I did that?
Magic!
-Briggs

The more bad ideas you have the closer you are to a good one. - Hap

Sorry about this one
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet. A toilet doesn't belong in the kitchen.

Kermit The Frog went to Ohio State

Speak friend and enter stamp tramp

Buy a short bus and drive in bus lanes

Somehow fantasia 2000 looks more dated than the 1940 one

Snl skit first skit in the show, i put pubes in place of all the beards so in all future skits it adds layers to all future.

What is it about Mary's garden that makes her so contrary?

Unknown number optimistic

Honeymooners Batman crossover

What's the pc term for Gypsy

I am fun to be around and I have fun by myself

Car with a bed in the back built in

Luke is my hero because he knows how to have a good time with nothing.

Camel cigarettes branch out and start making sewing thread

If I could get kicked anywhere, the ass is one of the best choices.

My weakness is inertia and finishing strong. The middle 90% I be killin it

Galusha A. Grow

Did you know that duck season and rabbit season are the same seasons?

Astronaut William McCool's nickname was willy

Vigilante hoarder arsonist

"Washington is a place where you can have 4 seasons in 1 day"

Almond Brother album cover

Chain stores are like weeds blocking sunlight from unique flowers

How liberal biased is online media

Bill burrs favorite stadium in each sport.

Why does archie have the exclusive for grocery stores

Isn't regular heaven way better than sex with virgins

Comedians are tge worst interviewers because they are too self involved

Netflix is the new medici

Music is now the commercial for the concert.

History rarely begins with a victory

Why don't sports teams have company values. Be the team known for perseverance and integrity. For thinking of the next generation and protecting your brother. For jumping high and running fast. Anything! Specialize!

I feel bad for sweaters sice the Cosby incident

Nostra dom dellouise

What kind of kid trick bargaining by saing,  "Ill be your best friend

You know what I like about squares? They got 4 sides. You know what I like about triangles? They got 3 sides. You know what I don't like about circles? My mom was killed by a circle.

Repeat over and over with different punchline. Stretch and slightly alter the set up over time. Commentary between on audience reaction.

My grandmother was raped by a circle

A circle injected my dog with heroin

Ask the audience

A circle beat me up and took my lunch money.

They never take out the trash

I slipped and fell and broke my collarbone after a circle pulled a banana peel with a string right under my foot.

They're ugly and stupid and mean mean mean

A circle invented war

A circle killed Genghis kahn and blamed hitler

I sold my soul to a circle for this joke. I know what you're thinking. He said no refunds.

20 million dollars a day spent in Afghanistan

You know what I like about avocados?  They have 4 sides. You know what I like about Cantaloupes?  They're orange on the inside. You know what I don't like about circles?

Finish by blaming why I don't like circles because I'm bigoted and my upbringing. Apologize to all circles and circles in the audience I may have offended. I know that many of you have not raped my grandmother. Although it is difficult to tell you apart. Every circle I see is just a reminder of that circle that beat my dog up and injected my him with heroin.

You know what I like about squares? They got 4 sides. You know what I like about circles?  They ain't got 4 sides at all.

Ernest Hemingway as Ernest goes to camp

My first wish would be for the knowledge of how best to use my two remaining wishes

Hip hop figure skating?

People who use fractional increments to describe themselves are insecure. The smaller the increment the more insecure Height, age, weight. Also true with vagueness.

Along my treatise, include in the margins, tangential questions I have but am not following

What determines which thought is conscious?

How would different government structures solve the jokers dilemma? Theocracy, monarchy, democratic Republic,

@trump my cousin is an astronaut but doesn't drive a corvette, why not?

If I listen to a rap song with the n word, its the only word I sing

I feel unstable on every axis on a boat, then you're asking me to do things that would be difficult on dry land.  Try To thread this needle,  if you miss you might get hooked.  What do you think is the easiest animal to hold onto probably a fish right?

Play like Regan