The brain loves to think and I love my brain so I try to think as much as I can

Redd fox in the crowd at prices is right and then gets called up.

Everybody in North korea is required to wear Jordan's and hanes

Stare at a girl across the bar.  Mime an action and get her to follow then have her switch to lead, dance back and forth.
If you can't communicate physically,  how good you think the fuck

i like to shave my neck first, that way, if i mess up and slit my thoat, I won't have wasted time shaving my face

funny story about people who live under an absurd dictator

Name my son "Master"

Impression of Steven wright doing woody allen jokes

It would be funny if trump asked hiliary to take her old job back on the cabinet.

Why doesn't the acting president allow the succeding President to job shadow until inauguration

What percentage of crimes are reported.
What type of crime is the least likely to be reported?
What demographic is the least likely to report crime.

If Obama was assassinated he would be more popular than JFK

Dave Chappelle impression
hit knee with mike step back laugh
"Word"

Makes B.A. Baracus look like Urkel

Tim from moonshiners looks like Jeremy renner

How did Jesus die for our sins. How would his crucifixion be different if he decided not to. How are my sins forgiven.

Jesus died for our sins. How? What did he do to accomplish this. Why did he do it?

Mary saying "oh god" in bed with Joseph

Chevy should give a corvette to ann

Dog student

Teach dog to sit on laser point

Games for dogs

Press buttons to change color to unlock treat

I need 2 vaccuums, one for the rug and one for the floor

I heard "______" paid madden $$$ to make his crotch bigger

Everything I know about money I learned from a jack-in-the-box and my quilting business is about to declare bankruptcy.

Good looking on the cooking

Begin stand up by using yoga suggestions to calm crowd, then gradually transition to angry yoga teacher

LLLL

Did you know that the llama is the only mammal to have two L's as the first letters of its name?

What if Mengele invented Jewish zombies?

Why are straight jackets uncomfortable?
Never stop resisting.

Christopher Plummer sounds like Morgan Freeman

If you are too young to get that reference, you're young enough to have looked it up on your phone already

Impression of Hannibal doing a bit about Fabio joining his gym.

"I don't think I want Fabio in my life that much."

You're not supposed to get high before yoga? I'm sorry I must have some kind of misunderstanding. Should I not be high at church either?

A true hail Mary goes for 59 yards

Mark a dot on the mirror and rotate pupil/chackras around it

I know why the caged Bird smokes dope

sports would be more fun if everyone was gay

Partner tutoring company with volunteer programs

I wrote a novel on ticker tape

go to hoarders houses and get copies of recorded tv shows

Grandparents have the worst candies

Like electric vehicle parking space but only if your car was Ford

I'm not smart, I just ask questions to smart people and remember what they say

movie that starts with plato quote, (the beginning is the most important part) opening scene a man slowing gathering the supplies to commit suicide by hanging. pan out and see house on a truck that is going off a hill, then pan out and a nuclear bomb goes off at the same time.

What is funny er a smart guy or a dumb guy Heart of gold safe Socrates didn't have a crest The thing I like about Canada is its majestic purple mountains and its shining seas

20% americans die in icu A recent Canadian study of elderly hospitalized patients at high risk of dying revealed that most patients (76%) had thought about end-of-life (EOL) care, and only 12% preferred life prolonging care

You will each have nicknames based on my favorite comedy movies jackass Dumb and Dumber the jerk

What are the consequences of appeasement?  Just as Nevil Chamberlain. Fuckin Hitler. Never give an inch.

Diagramming sentences with Virginia wolf

Whenever a guy says "the wings are actually pretty good" when talking about Hooters, he has to accompany it with raised shoulders

do I believe in one god the father and the almighty creator of heaven and earth? No. Do I believe that Jesus was one of the great moral philisophers and I think about his teachings every day? Then yes. Do I also think about the teachings of Socrates, Camus and Barney the DInasaour every day? Yes

Doug would rather be shot than play an NFL game