What if Mengele invented Jewish zombies?

Why are straight jackets uncomfortable?
Never stop resisting.

Christopher Plummer sounds like Morgan Freeman

If you are too young to get that reference, you're young enough to have looked it up on your phone already

Impression of Hannibal doing a bit about Fabio joining his gym.

"I don't think I want Fabio in my life that much."

You're not supposed to get high before yoga? I'm sorry I must have some kind of misunderstanding. Should I not be high at church either?

A true hail Mary goes for 59 yards

Mark a dot on the mirror and rotate pupil/chackras around it

I know why the caged Bird smokes dope

sports would be more fun if everyone was gay

Partner tutoring company with volunteer programs

I wrote a novel on ticker tape

go to hoarders houses and get copies of recorded tv shows

Grandparents have the worst candies

Like electric vehicle parking space but only if your car was Ford

I'm not smart, I just ask questions to smart people and remember what they say

movie that starts with plato quote, (the beginning is the most important part) opening scene a man slowing gathering the supplies to commit suicide by hanging. pan out and see house on a truck that is going off a hill, then pan out and a nuclear bomb goes off at the same time.

What is funny er a smart guy or a dumb guy Heart of gold safe Socrates didn't have a crest The thing I like about Canada is its majestic purple mountains and its shining seas

20% americans die in icu A recent Canadian study of elderly hospitalized patients at high risk of dying revealed that most patients (76%) had thought about end-of-life (EOL) care, and only 12% preferred life prolonging care

You will each have nicknames based on my favorite comedy movies jackass Dumb and Dumber the jerk

What are the consequences of appeasement?  Just as Nevil Chamberlain. Fuckin Hitler. Never give an inch.

Diagramming sentences with Virginia wolf

Whenever a guy says "the wings are actually pretty good" when talking about Hooters, he has to accompany it with raised shoulders

do I believe in one god the father and the almighty creator of heaven and earth? No. Do I believe that Jesus was one of the great moral philisophers and I think about his teachings every day? Then yes. Do I also think about the teachings of Socrates, Camus and Barney the DInasaour every day? Yes

Doug would rather be shot than play an NFL game

NFL waterboy takes his work home with him, squirts water in wife's mouth when watching a movie

Router bit for led strip hidden in backing

Peanut butter mayo and lettuce sandwich

Return of the sockeye

This comic got me hooked like I'm a rainbow trout and it's a purple wholly bugger. Like I'm a steelhead and it's a downrigger with a 2 foot flasher.

If the video poker machines didn't make so much noise a casino would be easily quiet. Rows and rows of people silent in front of screens. No social interaction or communication. A thousand people playing video poker and three silent blackjack players.

Locals play video poker. The casino up the street is for people from out of town. On a Monday at noon, the security guard at the entrance knows almost everyone there.

Worst songs to hear in the bathroom of a casino during a moment of sobriety:

Video of people's faces as they leave a casino. Interviews at the busstop

My least favorite end to a sentence is "and why" because it just turned a 5 second question into a minute and a half.

It means you have to respond in full sentences which means at least five words.

I used to copy the sentence format all the way down the paper.

How many people would number all the homework problems on the side of the paper before you started solving. Just so you could convince yourself that you were working without having to think.

Example homework problems with "and why"

What in your life is absurd. You can't understand why the world doesn't play by logical rules?

All stimuli is discomfort. Comforts are familiar and dulled stimuli

The wood right shop termite infestation

deflection

A: What have you been up to? B: Oh, I've been thinking about deflection and how I try to talk about others to avoid the anxiety of talking about myself. How about you?

All political media is biased because they know about politics. the average person does not. the media can not represent the people because they know more than the people do

How do you look someone in the eyes. I only know how to look into one or the other. When someone asks me to look them in the eyes and tell the truth, it looks like I have shifty eyes.

what side of the bed is it more frequent for husbands or wives to sleep on

Imagine if there was only one website. Analogy to Bible

Indulgence is the key to unhappiness

the president trump reminds me of the most would probably be, jefferson... davis

Looking at the mirror at the distance that makes your head appear actual size.

Marred in controversy

bill marr

Marred in controversy

bill marr

Mothership Rich

sketch snooty glass art gallery that sells fancy bongs to rich stoners but ignores other clientele

Malcolm was killed by black people Martin by white people

Sounds Like

Neal Brennan and Patrick Walsh sound exactly the same

Same with Stan Ellsworth and John Goodman