Dick Pound: Olympic Representative

Porn where the guy does stuff to annoy the girl like making funny faces, sounds, nonsensical actions

Cookie Monster

I came home from the grocery store and want to eat a cookie but there was a homeless guy on the corner and I didn't want to share or appear miserly

Immersion

If you have rape phobia I do not recommend immersion therapy

Single Handedly

Menage e un

In line at target

In line at target thinking about how long lines don't bother me because there is usually enough stimulus to arouse a preoccuping train of thought, however i recognize that my patience is unique and the rest of this line is probably frustrated by its unusual length, although most likely only an additional minute or two out of someone's day, twice as long as one would usually expect. I observed the woman behind me, late 50's Eastern European, with a slight accent, wearing light jewelry, lets call her Babushka, was in particular distress. Through seemingly no provocation she shouted "this is too long, I give up."
"what does that mean you, 'give up'?" i replied with meek curiosity, fairly confidant i would receive no reply. she didn't seem to be talking to me, despite speaking in my direction, but rather addressing the store in general.
How does one "give up" in this situation. It isn't a war, you can't surrender with a white flag. Waiting in line is not really an activity, its not like you quit running or swimming, you're just standing in a line. Is that too hard? to be alone with your thoughts and nothing to do for a minute. Do you just place your stuff on the shelf with the magazines and walk past the cashier out the door? Doesn't she realize the amount of time she invested getting to this point? Driving to the store, finding her godiva chocolates, getting in line and waiting for, approximately thirty seconds, before making this formal declaration to the world her lack of perseverance. Is she on that tight of a schedule that she can't spare an extra two minutes of waiting? How could she afford time to even go to the store in the first place?
Unfortunately my curiosity was never satisfied as the lady who was currently getting checked out offered to pay for the ladies chocolate so that she could cut the line. The lady immediately accepted. But I spoke out, "don't do it, too frequently the squeaky wheel gets the grease. We are all waiting in line here, its an insignificant burden we all share when we go to stores." What was I doing, I was speaking up for a position that was not even my own, I was fine with waiting in line while she was clearly agitated.
Fortunatly, my plea was to no avail, the lady moved to the front of the line and swiftly walked off with her chocolate. I wondered if perhaps she had to go to the bathroom.
To diffuse the tension that probably only I felt in that moment, I attempted to strike up conversation with my fellow patriots of line suffrage. Behind me now was a swarthy ponytailed employee, lets call him Ignatious, who appeared to be on break or specifically inept at solving the particular line situation we were struggling under. Behind him was a father and his 4th grade son. The kid, lets call him Jacob, had both arms wrapped around some kind of nerf gun. I said, "hey, what kind of bullets does that nerf gun have? The ones that whistle or the ones that stick? Jacob was too timid to talk to a stranger so his dad, lets call him Kevin Smith, says, "Actually, these are the bullets that go in a clip."
Ignatious speaks up, "they actually discontinued the nerf with the whistle in favor of the clip method, and then optimized them so they fly farther, I have two ... And 4 interchangeable clips That i play zombies with my friends at school. The .... Is the best gun because it takes every size clip and has the best rapid fire mode."
Kevin smith gently chides, "Where do you keep your books?"
Ignatious unphazed replied, "In my bookbag, I can actually keep ...."
It was my turn in line, I abandoned Jacob and Kevin Smith to the nerd rambling of Ignatious.
I don't understand the motivations of people sometimes. You would think people would be more ashamed of being different, Its bad enough that you are wearing a game of thrones t-shirt, you don't need to prove to me that you know all the names of the characters. It reminds me of guys who go to the gym too much and so that they are unnecessarily large, and then on top of that they will flex to make themselves even bigger. I want to tell them that they need to do the opposite of flexing just so I can feel like we are both members of the same species. This is also my message to nerds, quit flexing. How about pretending you don't know for once and let a child be wrong about trivial minutia.

Tha Associate Press

Start a News company called Tha Associate Press. Say it fast and people with think that you represent The Associated Press

Walk around with a Bluetooth so i can say my thoughts out loud in public. Make sure to elocute

Candy Isle

Go to the grocery store and judge people

I Want a New Drug

Too many times American's have fallen for the idea that "There's this new drug that's ok for you to take every day". Cigarettes, sleeping medication, cocaine, marijuana, vaporized nicotine

Who Knows How to Raise Their Hand?

I ask easy raise-your-hand questions with tough follow-ups

In Your Eyes

I learned to read through empathizing with the author. I also use this technique when taking tests. If I know the author's intention, I can reprioritize through their eyes.

Helplessly Hoping

Kyle Kinane should play David Crosby and Bob Odenkirk should play Steven Stills in a Neil Young biopic

Young Tiresius

My answer to every "would you rather" is to decide which choice would provide me with whatever life would be the most different from my own so I can diversify my experiences like a young Tiresias

Teach Your Children Well

The internet has given everyone an equal voice.
Who are the people who take advantage, minorities.
The most disenfranchised minority has the largest internet presence, children.

Age of Extinction

If Kim Jung Ill was offered the lead role in the next Transformers, do you think he would do it? Could Michael Bay tame him? Would it have to be shot in North Korea. Who would he cast as the female lead.

Epicurus Happiness

"Do not fear god, Do not worry about death; What is good is easy to get, and What is terrible is easy to endure."- Epicurus

New Eyes

When I was 24 I realized I had to reread everything because my perspective has changed so much.

Cyborg

People complain about the hassle of going on an airplane, but really an airplane is just another place to use your phone. That's all the world is anymore, a series of places to use your phone. It doesn't matter if you're eating dinner with your grandmother or driving a car through a 4 way stop. Part of your mind is always on your phone, did someone text or email or snap me, did I see a picture of that on facebook or instagram, that reminds me of something someone tweeted yesterday. These thoughts dominate our consciousness, the internet owns part of our mind, we are all becoming cyborgs and I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I never have to know how to solve a math problem anymore and I don't need to store trivia in my brain. So what do I need to know? HOW TO ASK (the computer) QUESTIONS! As the ability to answer questions becomes ubiquitous the ability to ask questions becomes paramount.

The things we tell ourselves are the things that we wish to believe. We wish to believe them because if they were true it would cover up our defiencies and draw intention to our strengths.
"the prom is stupid"
"Dumb jocks"

The topic category gives away the intention. Why are you even thinking about something if you think it is insignificant?

The things we tell to ourselves are of the majority rationalization and attempts to brainwash ourselves against our own feelings.
The phrase that I quote to myself the most frequently "I'm never lonesome when Im by myself." from modest mouse's Baby Blue Sedan. So what does that imply? I'm trying to convince myself that I am not lonely when I am. Over time I had to redefine loneliness. If I am reading a book or watching a movie am I alone? If I am consuming the thoughts of another, isn't that the intrinsic value of a social interaction? What is the need to share yourself with others? Although it's a selfish perspective, if you are not asked, is it necessary to impose your own tales of fortune or distress? "Happiness shared is twice happiness, but sorrow shared is half the sorrow." If I am to live in a global world the meaning of life is to teach and act in ways that resonate through the universe to the infinite.

Some other frequently quoted lines. Interpret as you will.
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you'll find, you get what you need."- Mic Jagger (convince my self effort will be rewarded with at least, substance)
"Oh lordy its hard to be humble perfect in every way and it's getting hard to look in the mirror cause i get better looking each day" (confidence can be manufactured!)
" I think I'll pack it in and buy a pickup take me down to LA"- Neil Young (delusions of eccentric grandeur)
"5 beats a day for 3 summers." - Kanye
"What's my age again?"- Blink 182
"you were just a face in the crowd, out in the street walking around" Tom petty
"To be stuck inside a mobile with the Memphis blues again"-Dylan
"And we can be hero's just for one day"- Bowie
"All I wanna do is have some fun, and I got a feeling, I'm not the only one"- Crow
"Photographs and memories"- Jim Croce
"grandma got run over by a reindeer" ???

No Please

Magazine subscriptions are 60% guilt based. Just like girl scout cookies, it is difficult to say no to a child.
It is difficult to say no.

Johnny deep the person is more interesting than any role he's played for years. I want to see a romantic comedy where johnny deep plays himself who falls madly in love (for eccentric reasons) with a random woman he sees on the street.

Like a Doll's Eyes

I thought frosty the snowman was supposed to have a button nose what's with the carrots?

2+2=5

A cure for addiction is brainwashing.

Give up your freedom for a month and you can make anyone to believe anything.

Ettufet brute

Think Fast

Consciousness defines time. A watched pot never boils.

Robber Baron von Munchausen

I don't want to own a business because I don't want to be a slave master

I Should Have Walked Away

I never understood being lost in your eyes before I met you. Every time I see you smile it begins a daydream where, every morning for the rest of my life I wake up in love with you.

Government Art

Who's the modern Medechi?

Cleavage

Cleavage is an effective ice breaker

I used to sneak out of the house when my parents went to sleep. I would  walk barefoot to the park near my house and watch baseball. If i was lucky there would still be a few innings left in a local higschool game. I never used to go when i was younger and more afraid of the dark.
but now im drawn to the lights like the thousands of bugs burning up from flying to close to the lights.

Mass Murderer

I work at the local animal hospital spaying and neutering animals so I can play god.
Does the potential for life begin at conception or earlier?
Am I committing murder every time semen is spilled not used for procreation?

Right to Life

I want men to have the right to choose.

No Rest for The Weary

Contortionists should wake up in the middle of night to stretch

Write a haiku by committee

Manager quality assurance rhyme scheme metaphor simplicity

Jimmy Frankie Fitzy

The name's Jingleheimer-Schmidt, John Jingleheimer-Schmidt. My friends call me John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt but that's only when I go out. When I'm at home they just call my by my nickname, Johnny Jakey Jinglhimey Schmitty

A Poor Tailor

A mendicant who cannot mend a pair of pants.

Being a beautiful girl kinda like being a paranoid schizophrenic, you always feel like people are staring at you, afraid everyone is after you.

Buy pennies to throw

Sexist Fears

Guys own dark alleys

Different silly superstitions that got associated as a harbinger for disasters, your brother got up on the wrong side of the bed one time and krackatoa erupted

Randy Johnson

I call my dick moby dick because my dick looks like Moby
I call my dick and balls Pinky and The Brain because my dick is pink and my balls are wrinkly

Last Wish

Ridiculous deathbed last requests
"Fix the kitchen cabinets"
"Change your name to Gerald" "only pee outside"

7's Up

I think the average 1-10 attractiveness scale is judged on a bell curve.

The telltale "fart"