Think Fast

Consciousness defines time. A watched pot never boils.

Robber Baron von Munchausen

I don't want to own a business because I don't want to be a slave master

I Should Have Walked Away

I never understood being lost in your eyes before I met you. Every time I see you smile it begins a daydream where, every morning for the rest of my life I wake up in love with you.

Government Art

Who's the modern Medechi?

Cleavage

Cleavage is an effective ice breaker

I used to sneak out of the house when my parents went to sleep. I would  walk barefoot to the park near my house and watch baseball. If i was lucky there would still be a few innings left in a local higschool game. I never used to go when i was younger and more afraid of the dark.
but now im drawn to the lights like the thousands of bugs burning up from flying to close to the lights.

Mass Murderer

I work at the local animal hospital spaying and neutering animals so I can play god.
Does the potential for life begin at conception or earlier?
Am I committing murder every time semen is spilled not used for procreation?

Right to Life

I want men to have the right to choose.

No Rest for The Weary

Contortionists should wake up in the middle of night to stretch

Write a haiku by committee

Manager quality assurance rhyme scheme metaphor simplicity

Jimmy Frankie Fitzy

The name's Jingleheimer-Schmidt, John Jingleheimer-Schmidt. My friends call me John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt but that's only when I go out. When I'm at home they just call my by my nickname, Johnny Jakey Jinglhimey Schmitty

A Poor Tailor

A mendicant who cannot mend a pair of pants.

Being a beautiful girl kinda like being a paranoid schizophrenic, you always feel like people are staring at you, afraid everyone is after you.

Buy pennies to throw

Sexist Fears

Guys own dark alleys

Different silly superstitions that got associated as a harbinger for disasters, your brother got up on the wrong side of the bed one time and krackatoa erupted

Randy Johnson

I call my dick moby dick because my dick looks like Moby
I call my dick and balls Pinky and The Brain because my dick is pink and my balls are wrinkly

Last Wish

Ridiculous deathbed last requests
"Fix the kitchen cabinets"
"Change your name to Gerald" "only pee outside"

7's Up

I think the average 1-10 attractiveness scale is judged on a bell curve.

The telltale "fart"

Gentle Reminder

Your body needs to be reminded that you want to use it in certain ways

Miranda rights are there for cops to remind themselves criminals are allowed to remain silent

The s***** City Association

I want to be the most famous person with my name but that's tough with a name like James so I'm changing my name to shitty-shitty-fuckface. Because even if there were parents in history mean enough to name their child that, they would change their name as soon as they were legally allowed. Which means by default i will be the greatest shity shity fuckface who ever lived. I won't even need a last name like Aristotle or cher. Because i will be the de facto

Youthful Exuberance

Have you ever gone to a school playground to see if you can recapture some of your youthful enthusiasm for life and you just realize how much more exercise you used to need as a kid

First Name Basis

I work at a place where we wear name tags. It's weird when someone you've never met before call's you by your first namey

I should wear a name tag all the time so that it is easier for other people to approach me.

I feel like jet skis are for b****** just like horses
Cause that motion is not great for a guy who has balls

I attempted to add to my vocabulary but I and abandoned the aspiration after the letter A. As an aftereffect I have an awfully apparent affinity for apples

Have you ever told a lie that isn't a lie, yet. Like did you take the garbage pit before its too late? You say yes when you haven't done it with the intention of following through before you are found out

Mary hartman meets the big bang theory

Dynamite outlawed but jj walkers patented Dyn-o-mite fufilled a loophole and now dominates the explosives industry

A begger as a modern sherezade telling tales for sustenance (to use as a framing device)

He who dies pays all debts.

I heard they are repealing the right to remain silent

A glass manhole cover with a scary monster (or lacivious lad) climbing up

Suicide squad led by Charlie from Charlie's angels. Uses suicide hotline.

Go to the elementary school and drop pennies in the parking lot

Always bring own nametag to party (and extras)

Papa murphys law

Do you think hitlers dad was proud? When did get switch over like Walter white?
Artist
In jail but writing book that parents are proud of but never read.
"Well he's saying some harsh things but politicians never keep their promise."
First politician to keep his campaign promises

Invisible man super hero tv show (ghost). Stuck invisible. Following meets Amelie meets my name is earl each episode help one person

Pretend to mishear someone so they look stupid even though you are the one making the mistake

Its like trying to explain an orgasm to a ten year old