no choke

what i wrote down flows louder than a smoke cloud, id choke but don't know how

hold up

I don't like asking people I've just met about their lives and who they are, lets just discuss random topics and see how you hold up in conversation before I decide to get emotionally invested in your life story

pro life

aborration- abortion

quarrels

we got quarrels

list of non linear diagnostic tools

umbilical

a character who never had his umbilical cord cut.

white guy born in india moves to us, gets telemarketing job, meets incredulity.

gay gang

i think gay guys should team up and start an inner city gang, they would strike a deep fear in all opposition. this was the unspoken underlying plot in the warriors, everyone dressed in costumes in disguise to pretend to be gay.

explain how learning to cook mexican food is like wax on wax off, you don't think you are learning shit but all of a sudden you know everything

armen

did you know that the most common guy's name in armenia is? Armen, that's like if the most common name in kentucky was kent, other examples

poor ringo

conversation topic, ringo's self esteem

i wanna hold your hand remix

Anthony Chalo

anthony davis is the new frida kahlo

uni cycle

stationary unicycle exercise for balance/core exercise

grand theft

I stole your car and it wasn't even grand theft

choices

make multiple slight variations of the same song over different beats to give the illusion of choice

no fatigue from pull ups

luca parmitano- "I do not fatigue from pulling up"

Guy gets xray glasses that work but still have that stupid swirl so its immediatly obvious to the audience but only gradually so to the girls he's around. We never see his perspective and eventually discover he was just faking

Shade glasses

Shade glasses for seeing in the dark

Rasmussen follow up questions for the street, poll 100 people and do jump cuts for reponsese where you ask them to reiterate the question

math stories with gruesome but removed deaths. exe. you are in a square room with four sheer walls on each side. Each wall is 4 Feet wide and and buried an undetermined distance below the dirt floor. How far down would the prisoner be able to dig in hopes to tunnel under the walls and what type of material would be necessary for which distances. (solution, stairs?) trick question, give an impossible number down to reach and have the solution be that there is no roof and you must build stairs to climb over the walls

if you think of christianity as thoughtfully constructed to help the masses, why is the most important lesson to forgive yourself (through christ)?

Dear abby

An advice column where the advice given is always the same, rediculous advice, set ups become increasingly reach so that advice stays pertinent

autodidact

i'm a self professed autodidact it sounds redundant but actually isn't

podcast idea

podcast that dissects jokes that tow the line of profanity

norm podcast

norm, its guest you have on who don't understand when you are doing a bit who are more interesting to talk to because you can towe the line so well

confidance

confident for rap ignorant confidance for comedy how to be confident (search inside)

Become the andy Kaufman of youtube by living disperite extreme moments that you instigated

Gary larson style comic Show clown inside of his  bosses office, boss is plain clothed. Caption reads "More Razzle less Dazzle

florida

flo rida is the black pit bull

Does the carpet ever match the curtains? Is there someone walking around with a head of hair that looks like pubes?

Does fertilizer go bad?
How would you know, either way it smells like shit similar to jim gaffigan bit on fish

gene wild

gene wilder in mr rodgers biopic, surrounded by incompetent production exploding in anger off scenes like christian bale

Daily show section "old news"

Save the bears

To save the polar bears we must eat them and market them as a delicacy

climbing parody

climber lingo parody as owen wilson

animal strip tease

blue footed booby dance porn, different animal dances

most common lies

examples of everyday lies

runnin fridge

you dont get wrong numbers anymore

make stand up video with cut scenes from buddy hacket days so jokes seem extra funny

im on the main foot path, put back from the remains of a train track

some minorities are bigger than others there are more gay people than white people

louie absurd

tickets to the ice capades coming out your nose make a sign for louie "long haired freaky people need not apply i eat everything chicago style yeah

classroom joke theme

jokes designed to improve model classroom or enlighten teaching styles

Rainbow

I make it rain, blow money

for what?

turn down for what spray paint extender

racist soccer

soccer is great because it gives you an excuse to be racist, "god damn ___"

optimal cardio exercise

what scale running investment is worth what lowered heart rate on 1 billion heart beat curve

poupon

grey poupon triumph insult comic dog, "this is a beautiful sandwich, for me to poupon!"

kazaam

kazaam wishes, ask shaq is the candy was real a genie has to grant the first and second wish with no tricks so that you don't become spiteful and hold on to the third