I like the song "I want candy" it expresees my deepest emotions

You every be like you know what I haven't done in a while? check your voicemail.

Dial it up I had 42 voicemails. Feel like Russian roulette. Going through the history of all the time I fucked up bad enough that  someone had to call and leave me a message.

James: we da juice in The Juice

It's a childish game to change b and c not tough. It just sounds funny

Talk like a gangster but in pig latin, or zoom language

Walked by a group of white women on the street. Heard one say "Is that sage?" And ive never seen a gaggle more precisely personified

You're like a coiled spring. A lotta potential

I've been having a hard time figuring out what's a sign and when I'm just stupid 

How often do you take a deep breath

Making a soup for yourself, trials and tribulations.

You ever be walking the wrong way for way too long. 

You catch yourself when you think, I should be there by now but I don't feel close

My favorite politician was r bud Dwyer

Calling star wars star trek shouldn't still be funny except it still makes nerds correct you which is funny

What was the most surprising death that ever happened on April fool's day

the best massage I ever got was a hand massage from lawrence xing during in 4th grade when our class when to see a play, i think it was the crucible

Bring my own microphone so I can drop the mic

One of The cheapest thing you can buy is a stamp, send a letter a cross the country for 50¢ I can't even get 1 nugget for that

I was talking to my dad and he said he doesn't understand haters. He was talking with my mom about Megan markle

Have you ever been so excited that you pee

You make Suzy chapstick look like...

Just came he from a weekend out of town. Had to go to the bathroom so bad. O rush into my apartment and I've accidentally left the heat on so many times I literally said, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" Turns out it was just me.

Trying to assert my dominance more 

Go to someone's house, start baking cookies. Swap out the lightbulb for a different color.

I only sit in purple.

Going to Costco is like going to vegas

Astronauts put their pants on both legs at a time with help from a friend

Guys don't go to the doctor right away because married guys have built up a tolerance to nagging pestering annoyances.

You ever leave your home and two minutes later you think to yourself, I should have gone to the bathroom before I left

Have you ever seen someone who looks so much like a Job that you want to shout Jon just to see if they turn their head.

What do you think about warm fruit.

Just a bowl of room temperature fruit 

Doesn't seem as good as cold but there's no natural reason

I hate it when people say "I couldn't care less" when what they really mean is "I couldn't care fewer"

What if Mlk's dream was a daydream

response to a heckler "the power of christ compels you" what does that even mean? did the demon forget? what's so compelling

A labrynth is a room!

I love small talk. Let's keep it small

Parkour setting on Google maps

Odouls cigarettes

has anyone ever been converted by a door-to-door protheletizer?

One thing about people a hundred years ago? 

They were much less concerned about being knee deep in swamp water.

When they should have been more concerned, those aren't quick drying fabrics, there's no gortex.

1 million mom's is the weakest 1 million.

Have you ever thought you lost something that was important but not urgent so you put off looking for it to delay the truth

I hurt myself trying to get my phone out of my left pocket with my right hand

How does language guide thought process?

Can tonal languages be sarcastic?

Michael "I'm not Mad, we can get through this together" son

Michael's the kind of guy who will cut your ear off and start pitching it joke premises

J j Watson and crick

Carry around a wedding ring for fake proposals

If I won the lottery I would donate half of it to a terrorist organization

How come when you say you're from "The West" it sounds like you're from the south

Every biography satrts with some stupid backstory about how they got their name.

Pg 1 Ruth Vader Ginsberg

Are there too many names

 or not enough.

Animated video.

Baby Hitler.

Like Me. Magoo, he inadvertently sidesteps time traveling assassin's

Is this a 5 year plan or a bucket list?

You ever buy the wrong kind of beans? Then you have to soak em for like 48 hours and then when you're done all you have is wet beans.

Even homeless people eat a can of beans

I've been reading a lot more lately. Or more precisely I've been having girls read me bedtime stories.

It seems like the only time I loose weight is when I'm sick

Who sat who say "who sat who say who sat"

You know when you're counting on getting something for Christmas but then you don't get it so you just have to buy it for yourself.

Yeah kinda sucks, but what's worse is I don't even know where to get two front teeth.

You ever been reading a book and you forgot to mark your place with a book mark or something and you try to find your place.

You ever have one of those days where you never turn the lights on.

And I ain't talking bout the summer

You ever throw your keys in the garbage?

What are you? Stupid? That's not where they belong. I've noticed a lot more stupid people lately, I'm thinking about drawing a line. No more fuckin with idiots, no more morons, or maroons, if you're a nincompoop keep walking.

Anyway no more fucking with idiots you know. It's like they're so easily tricked you can see every one of their influences.  If someone has no free and independent thought, how can you give me concent. I feel like if every action is manipulated.

Why would you do that, you probably needed them later.

Have you ever needed a cord for something and you ask yourself, I wonder if I already have it?

You never have it, you have all these cords just in case and they're never the right ones

Is it wring to have sex with someone who is mentally handicapped, where do you draw the line?

if you were gonna make a crown of thorns for jesus, do you think you'd do a good job?

If you're gonna die, is a crown of thorns cool enough to be worth the pain?

Wandering jew is the curse to all hecklers

Free Barabbas shirt

Port land is an oxymoron

Ports are on the water, not the land

Hanging out with comics is like hanging out with Jesus.

Write that down!

Duo where we both talk at the same time

In retrospect I wish I had better forsight

You know you're broke when you get made at yourself for throwing up.

I needed those Valerie's I worked for an hour to earn the money for that food

Hack into the hospital sewer and start refining that shit

I'm pro censorship. That's how I know where the good stuff is.

If I hear like, this book was banned in Uganda, it's on my reading list

If the Grasshopper was a real book I for sure would have read it.

Dancing to car alarms.

Set em off and walk up the street to dance till someone turns it off then move down the block

Psychic who just predicts their own actions

Shaggy knows it was him right?

I want to die with a gun in my hands