Have you ever been eavs dropping on someone on a phone call and you feel like you're listening to the boring side of the call

What if Michael Jordan was a micromanager at his restaurant.

It's weird that everyone in the Flintstones is gay. Especially when so many are married

Dr denton

Do you think getting scalped tickles?

Went into tj maxx yawned and left

Sat in disabled seat but there was an open one across from me. The next stop Afghanistan vet with a fake leg got on the and I couldn't see until he got on and then he was in such good shape I felt it would have been disrespectful for me to offer my seat. He clearly did not want it.
The bus starts filling up and two girls go forward, realize that all the two seats had been filled up and came back to the front to sit in the other disabled seats. As they were coming back, one says that she doesn't like sitting in those seats because she would feel awkward if a disabled person got on. Then I got to wait for that moment when each of them realized two seats away was a guy with one leg. Very fun to watch.
A few stops later the bus was pretty much full except for a spot by the guy with one leg. The prettiest girl on the bus sat next to him and she didn't realize he only had one leg and when.

Why don't we have human races like how we have horse and Greyhound

For the racist white people who don't like it when black performers do a lot of runs in the songs go to fucking church. Alt. He is an English Man

Finlay–Peace–Slave–Mackenzie sounds like a basketball player

Have you ever been so hungry that you put your toast in the oven for the extra racks.

Most common name for an aardvark? Aaron.

Bought an encyclopedia set. So far, I know a little bit about aardvarks.

I ll watch bad tv like it's nothin, half hours out the window. But it if you want me to read a book? I need a least 2 references. And good ones. I didn't read Howard Zinn till I watched Good Will Hunting and Matt Daemon recommended it to me (that book will fuckin knock you on your ass). Now that's a Good reference.

I know how I fare at the eye test. At 20 ft without a cover I'd be having a real struggle telling the difference between Karl Knausgaard and Mein Kampf.

Who would win in a fight, all the NBA owners or all the NFL owners.
Who would win in a war?

In NZ they think the right to travel internationaly is a basic human right.

You know the song Jamesie get your gun was written about James Gunn by James addiction

Jimmy Dore used to be Jimmy Dore to dore

Is Jam short for James?

Wen to the grocery store and someone upgraded starberries for apples

Saw a biker with no arms. Not no hands lake a handlebar that went up to his chin.

I wish James Cook named Hawaii James Country and all James's get a discount

Be the animal comedian

Naw Bisch
Nobbish

What is the greatest economic work on sexual commerce

I like Fred Willard more than Robin Williams

Modern remix of "return to sender"

Collection of photos of people bending over to tye their shoe and I'm winding up to kick em

I always read lol as the pee wee laugh

Character who always gets in second place named howard johnson. 28 flavors is no 31. what flavors did baskin add? typed in baskin robins into google and the first autofill was "can 14 year olds work at baskin robins" the answer is yes

Time period where they never cut umbilical cord

Jim crow

how would NFL be different if everyone had to play both ways

I went to the dentist and he said my mouth was dirty. I said fuck you.

I'm not marrying no clumsy woman. I ain't going to the hospital and say she fell down the stairs.

If you meet Drew Carey mistake him for Art Donovan

Noel coward

"my nephew can beat up your nephew"

Alvin Simon and Brother Theodore

With global warming comes the rise of the insects

Started exercising recently
Started doing this move (sumo stomp) 2 hours a day. I do it while watching a movie then I eat a big bowl of everything in the fridge and take a 2 hour nap.

Dennis Miller on letterman = 1.25 Leno on Letterman

Ferris bueler but for a 12 year old

Raindeer should be called snow deer

Ask John Waters to direct a 3 stooges porno

Its exhausting to hold almost any pose for a long period of time.

I love this city, you take a taxi and you don't have to pay. i do anyway but it's nice to know I don't have to

how come scratch and sniff never made it to the next level

Matt Damon sings Ben by Michael Jackson

My brother got a new baby. It's very unreasonable. I tread to reason with it and it wouldn't reason with me!

When discussing abortion, one perspective that is rarely mentioned, are those who want to but who are unable to conceive. Their feeling of despondency that accompanies an evolutionary necessity unfilled. I can sympathize with jealously and given anonymous power to lash out, would I act any better?

I like people who don't like the group they are a part of.

I like John Waters becasue he "has an odd way of making things seem ok". By living in the taboo and unknown he can navigate and guide you around in a way that makes it feel human and ok

box of milk duds in your pocket on a talk show

no due tre quattro cinque. Didn't he kidnap william randolph hearts't granddaughter and they robbed a bank?

Compton elected Sonny Bono as a congressman from 1995-1999

My taste in comics is really wide, from John Waters to John Witherspoon

Roger Ebert wrote, Beyond The Valley of the Dolls. You wouldn't guess by his critiques

When you say something outloud, you want to believe it. And of the class, of "things you want to believe" how many of those are true? If they are true then they are self evident and need not vocalization. But by saying something out loud, it shows your need to reinforce belief in its truth. Why do you need that reinforcement? Because your belief is unstable? Are you insecure in allowing others to have differing beliefs. Do you feel it cuts into your foundation? You want to will it into truth? Sometimes this works. If an outside person agrees then it becomes truth. However, it becomes and remains their truth but is only yours for a moment. External support is fleeting. I'm not sure if this is true but I'd like to think that it is. It would make psychiatric diagnostics much easier.

I had a 5 min convo with my brother about john witherspoon before I realized I thought I had him mixed up with John Waters.

Or with a soup ladel

I can't believe John Witherspoon is Reese' Dad.

Lisa's last lease lapsed.