"one turtle made a mistake"

4&6

You ever have one of those days where you never turn the lights on?

If babies were ugly I don't think they would make it out alive

Dum dum squad

If you were one of the 5 spice girls you would be (Szechuan peppercorn/star anise)

Fire retardant blanket

Retard short for fire retardant

explain how the 120 days of sodom was actually a good idea

I like showers more than baths because I'd rather wear a shower cap than a bathing suit

Portland me that be in your face but it's not aggressive.

Lady lightly touches my shoulder, whispers in my ear, your fly's down.

Health is for nerds

Would people laud a self exiled pedophile, pedophile island like a leper colony

Juggle 2 balls while stand up

Puts the od in podium

Having sex saying "oh" and "Yeah" until you sound like the coolaid man

Y'all like Reba?

If Astronauts die is there a special cemetery like Arlington

35 ppl per acre is urban

Have you ever had sex and both you and your partner are wearing boots?

roast fodder

you look like your idea of a ... is ... good job pretty girl good time

you look like if you're doing a puzzle with your family. you take one piece to put in your pocket to hold to the end so you can put the last piece in

How are trans people handling pronouns in Latin America. Or Russia. Just linguistically, socially is a different question.

Being optimistic is good, unless you're in Vegas

If introspection is looking within yourself what is extro-spection

Start Ding ding ditch

Seeing eye dog for my blind dog

Do Jews sing? In synogog or otherwise

Who's the most famous?

Psycho killer

Kiss cafe

Taking photos of Christmas blooms

#hellebored

Hellebore

90 to 10 intelligence

10 to 90 trickster

Mini-changa

5 for 4.95

Cold meat

How come you never see on social media the church using it's money for good

Cookie dough sleeve

I walk right down the drip line. I love the drips on my head

Flowers are for the dead

If I ever have to do radio phone interviews, I should pretend like I can do impressions

My favorite raindeer is nixon

You ever see a dude facing a wall... Standing on his tippy toes?

When was stretching invented

The n word wasn't one of Carlin's 7

Guy who thinks it's opposite day, but it's really tomorrow

Black and White episode

Getting old working out undead of for good looks, death prevention

thomas edison famously tried 1000 things before he came up with the lightbulb filament. What do you think were some of the bad guesses wood, cock

Change my Google to respond to, ok boomer, asiasin

have you ever not done your homework, and then it's a snow day. What a releif!

have you ever been to somebody's house and the smoke alarm has been on low battery and you're like, how long has this been going on and the're like what? and you're like, the smoke alarm beeping eveery 15 minutes, oh that, like a couple of weeks.

Cash only shirt

Put googly eyes on sock puppet

Lion tamer twirling through life. 

"The party has arrived" in every moment

Have you ever had meaningless sex with a beautiful person who you didn't know anything about them except that they are physically beautiful.

It's great

But it's not the meaning of life...

For the whole time

My mom used to put oats in all our cookies because she claimed is kept them moist longer.

bee's can fly 25 mph, that's not fair being a bird or a bee would be great because you could just fly around the world eating people's food and you'd get to fly around and see all the sunsets

Album title " too loud for outside"

Without music dancing looks stupid, and even with music sometimes

when i was in first grade i thought it was going to get harder every year. I didn't account for the fact I would also be getting smarter

I wish every crow would croak

Hellebore more like hella boring Ayo!

You have to find a Goodwill hat in the bins and that's how you become an employee

Drive like a rich kid

my cousin just got a job as a professional estimator I asked her how much my house was worth she said "uh, about 100,000, give or take, 100,000,in the ball park of, 100,000" big round number

remember before you could multiply and all you could do was add or remember before you could add and all you could do was count life would be so much longer if we never figured that out

what if bees could roar as loud as a lion just imagine what it'd be like by a beehive

Having meaningless sex with a beautiful girl was like the opposite of getting arrested.

Instead of, life isn't that bad

To I guess this is the peak?? I mean it's pretty good but what next?

Turtle guy is deep alone and he's not going to find a solution today

You ever think about buying a piece of clothes and realizing the closes are more audacious than you feel your personality can pull off

But nobody knows you can't unless you let them know by dropping that confidence for one second

How important is dance in your life

For me

I don't know if I can t makes my top ten

But you know there's some people out there, dance is like top five

Like "I just gotta dance" 

You know those people

Not me

Not most of the time anyway

Trains are like an art gallery parade

Especially in the rain

I imagine the people at raves need to dance as a balance to living in the tightest boxes for the rest of their week that they need 48 solid hours of dance to work out the kinks

Nobody can't pull off a long fur vest

Even the worst body looks glorious

Get a baby blu balazer and look like dad

Start recreating old dad photos

I got a pocket full of warm

Wet train graffiti

What percente of your life are you not dancing

I am in touch with my emotions, just not the sad ones

Who's the corniest white dude who still gets respect in the hood?

Ernie, or The Colonel 

"The difference between heaven and hell is harp lessons" -brett

Outside vs inside

All of comedy is based on an audience of mom

Make fake taboo cards with the n word on it

Have you ever listened to a baseball game on the radio?

How fast can a dog do the agility course rubbing his butt on the floor the whole time

Side scroller vr game instead of open world

Bring back cigarette rations

being a girl on a webcam is like walking to hannibal

I will let crimes commit if they are done on a stage 

Mail fraud guy

And isn't life a stage?

I look like...

True deep personal biographical facts

Went to the container store.

But do you contain multitudes?

Is shit vegetarian

Greek myths round the fire

John Wayne ellington

Ignorance is a luxury

Kunta Kinte Keith Toby Keith rap name

Sketch show but serious instead of comedy

I'm not an apologist, but...

There are few things in life as predictable as a bad improv scene. Comedy and surprise are interlinked which makes the attempt and failure so ironic

God and goodness are synonymous.

Oh my God

Oh my goodness

My favorite step in drug addiction is selling family heirlooms

I only n Ed one piece of information to make a nickname. 

Now sir, do you enjoy... Sexual activity?

Alright your nickname is Jergins

Laci godiva

When was the last time you sharpened a pencil?

I think 99% of all pencil sharpening is superfluous

I thought I just had the strongest bladder of all time.

sell pez on the street one at a time

Pretend to be a street Magician but use the distraction to prank people

No chewing tobacco allowed on planes?

"Motion is the best lotion"- Jon Madden

Laying in bed with a partner. Whisper in her ear, can you teach me how to douggie

I've been asked me If get ashy. Only on my dick.

Warren G - Harding

Character

Start set with "once upon a time"

Click and clack parody

Lebron converts to Judeasim to hide bald spot

Could I pull of a yamika? Is this bad cultural appropriation?

Cat allergies are twice as common as dog

Premise: Have you ever been wrong?

What if the free throw was moved back like extra point kicks.

Implications?

How much time does it take to learn to shoot 70% free throws

A world where people can only dies during one season.

Tie your dick up like a marionette and have it dance in music videos

"I only did meth one... night"

The older I get the harder it is to tell kids ages apart. I understand octogenarian pedophile

My dick is thicker than a snicker bar, but so are most people's so that's not really saying much.

We should space race china

Write a Charlie Parker movie for Jim Carrey

The first time I flew in a plane, I never had such potential

Josh Jacob's junglehimer schmitt

Every chair is a rocking chair if im sitting in it. Except bean bag chairs, those become rolling chairs

I'm gonna ride you To the top of left-of-center

I bet you check your eggs before you buy em. Roasted

A bit where I compare apples and oranges

"Greek Tragedy" 

An opening theme song for an Oedipious action tv show with the theme song being a parody of "Tragedy" by BeeGees. (After his eyes are out)

Tragedy!

When you marry your mom and stab out your eyes

I like you because you like me the same way that I like myself.

I got rid of my gun at the perfect time, a week before I needed it.

Ciattica!!!!!

Mexican Halloween they only get chicklets and Mongo's dipped in chili powder

Jesus was black but Mary was white

Podcast that only reports Whit basketball news

If Darrell morrey had Kareem the NBA would all be shooting mid range

Holiday comedian

Barber Anne

Someone who doesn't believe in violence then sees violence and thinks it's a miracle

Market gay porn as extreme gay chicken 

Kanye west anderson

"Grandma's Wedding" starring your real grandma

If you order milk at a restaurant, Lucy you got som splainin to do.

What's colder, the North Pole or the south Pole. You think down is cold cause hot air rises but what about the tops of mountains

Have you seen Flintstones vitamins recently? I can hardly tell Fred from Barney

I'm surprised some of these terrible last names haven't died out

People are funniest in a same room sleep over with friends and you're supposed to go to sleep

You can only drink milk at home

I don't believe in weeds. All plants are good.

Space age technology is really old

Follow god remix with lightbright

I'm fancy. I only pee in the toilet

never seriously considered that I was autistic, until I got one of those blankets. and I was like, this feels too good, like being on a jackhammer, or leaning into a hot tub jet on one spot for too long. you get addicted immediately or rubbing your eyes, I know your not supposed to but it feels so good and once you start you can't stop

Movie moments that made me cry:

"They do move in herds"- Jurassic Park

14 inch rulers aled to12 for dick measure

Tyler the Creator is the hip hop Liberace

Bai Bai Bai

Thai backstreet boys

Reno:vomit from turbulence:: New York: Statue of liberty

Parody rap

Poop flower change going to the bathroom

Juliet socks

Occidental

I'm not a fan of pronouns. Let the amateur nouns have their day. 

As soon as a regular noun gets used once, pronoun comes in tried to take their gig.

What's with emergency vehicles not pressing their sirin all the way

What would you do with a million $'s.
Quit my job and be a full time artist.
Where is that money line for you?

what if animal sacrifice works, we just don't know the science behind it yet

90% of comics say they look creepier than they arr

Brunch<munch

It's ironic that stationary moves around so much.

Chili pie but with bugels

If I married Sheryl Crowe I would take her last name
Same with Russell

What's the smallest increment of candy that you eat one at a time,

Not nerds, not mnms

Don't worry I'm flying in coach/koch brothers private plane

Jesus died on the cross. Better or worse than 9-11

Most famous death of all time was Jesus. We all know how he died. Very famously. If you don't know, turn to the nearest  Italian or Mexican man and ask to inspect at their necklase.

And you would think that after having the most famous death of all time. You'd think

Game of thrones "what kind of God would bring me back just to kille again." George RR Martin, me , and real god. He brought Jesus back for three days just to kill him again

How do you think Jesus died the second time?
Falling down a flight of stairs, tripped on his flip flops.

What I've learned from blouse shopping is that I have big armpits

How did Jesus die the second time?

I'm not a fan of sequels Jesus' second death was not as good.

I don't know anyone who would seriously be offended by a nine 11 joke. Oh no, those people died. If you pretend to give a shit, get out of my life.
It's the least edgy thing for the rep it gets

Hobos only have an oral tradition

Empty-anthropic

I wish my car window was 10x faster

My favorite yamasaki building is the Ranier. Never forget

Why doesn't Trump own a sports team.

How is Temple University dealing with the Cosby fallout

Country time lemonade fun dip replacement

How long ago did people know not to drink while pregnant. The generation after alcohol was invented all the children had fetal alcohol

Rice paper made me uncautiously optimistic

Saw a guy with a tattoo of a banana on one calf and a three scoop ice cream on the other.

I bet he loves banana splits

I think I have an Oedipious complex, I really want to stab my eyes out

Kinves for the homeless charity

Lightbulb below deck does the same thing to humidity as my balls

First guy to do finger guns

The guy who invented the camera invented child porn

Pina colada song but it's all drinks.

If you like Pina colada
If you like long island ice tea
If you like red wine
If you like and IPA
If you like drinkin wine at midnight

We write Adam Sandler a movie

The beach men

Beck Becker Beckest

Tuck Tucker Tuckest

Greatest bedtime story in the world tribute

"The Binge" all about the day before the purge

Big picture like Guernica

If you know the difference between ignious an metamorphic than you know the rich history of destruction

Dying your hair blond is my cultural appropriation

I'm a zagger not a zigger

If you're not racist you're culturally insensitive

My favorite cereal is King Vitamin

Shawshank 2 the Redemption

Bald and haired men had better  solidarity in the time of hats

If I was Charlotte from Charlotte's web. I'd probably choose different adjectives.

Getting a phone call in the modern era is like getting a letter 15 years ago

When people say they are from Germany, respond like Korea and ask east or west.

I woke up last night to the sound of thunder. How far off I sat and wondered. Started humming a song from 1962.

Ain't it funny how the night moves?

No one laughed? Damn that lying Bob segar bastard.

An oversized apple is a sign that the sugars have transferred to carbohydrates sacrificing sweetness for size.

Are you listening New York?

I wanna write a book but put it in size 28 font so it's 1500 pages.

The ground is cold, and hard.

The ground is too hard but it's kindof our fault for walking on it for a million years

What animal has the worst scream

This dude is so nonchalant, he's laid all the way the way back. He's casual to a T.

He's a casualty of war.

Casualties of war seems pretty nonchalant.

I got in an accident this weekend, now I have scissors for a hand. And what's worse is it's not even cool like Edward scissor hands. I just got the handle end. I can still open it, but not as useful. And even way less useful than a real hand.

the good side of the scissors where I could do some cutting. It's the handle end. And what's even worse? Right handed scissors, which you would think would be good for a right hand, but not if

The ground is old

Steven wright is Woody Allen with out the sex or neurotosism

I think getting into heaven is too hard. And the older you are the harder it is.

I like Yasser sarawan because he has a great smile when he wins

The test to get into heaven is too hard. Only babies can pass.

hire a Hitman to kill you immediately after your baptism. Afterlife hack

I want to die Young because I don't want to be old in heaven.

How far into my day before I sin?
Wake up to my alarm clock, hit the snooze button. Sloth.

Heaven is filled with babies and born again Christians five minutes after their baptism.

Who from history is in heaven and who is in hell?

Where we're going, roads are superfluous.

Have you ever bought the wrong kind of beans? You're like I have to boil this for 4 hours and all I get is beans.

What if "art in heaven" was a euphemism for, going to the bathroom.

Sign language but only knows letters

It's the only language I can output but not input

Cigar umbrella

Went to a dog party. It was mostly just people knocking on the door and everyone getting excited to great the new person

Kurds and whey, that's not a very exciting meal. I guess it's a balanced breakfast. You gou your curds you got your whey.

Color guy / colored guy feels like a trap

Most dancing looks like you just made it up
This is why dancing with a partner is so powerful. You can do stupid moves but it still looks intentional

Have you ever seen identical twins? It's creepy. I don't like twins. I don't like twins so much I sympathize with the terrorists.

how come the crowd being loud makes offese harder but not defence i feel liike silence makes free throws harder

Behind the scenes at a music video going to game store and buying all the Monopoly games

Guns is white people culture. Don't appropriate

when you're a child you think your parents are so smart, but really they're just the first person to pass on the knowledge that everyone has

Arkansas is so boring they couldn't even find a medium sized rock.

Guys dress increasingly stupid so you'll insult it and they'll have a reason to get in a fight

I'm not a fan of weather

Rain jokes

Violet boluregard grown up

Bury me in a podcastket

Im the kinda guy that laughs at 4 weddings and a funeral.

the worst candy doesn't have a name, its just dark yellow in a clear plastic wrap

watermelon is one of the few things that is judged by the color of it's insides.

what weights more the inside or the outside of a watermelon. Depends how hungry you are.

I want a girlfriend just so I can buy a watermelon at the grocery store and not fell intimidated.

What about the optimistic suicidal

Not enough foods are aphrodisiacs these days. Back in the day Evey leaf and root was being marketed as an aphrodisiac.

Write a rap for Ryan renolds about renolds wrap aluminum foil

Are school shooters usually sober?

A can of lope

The closer you are to the ground the easier you are to kick. They say don't kick a man when he's down but the reason they have to tell you that is because it would be so easy.

Trees are more brown than green. You got to remember the roots. By volume too.

Train crowd to pick up cigarette butts for food. They start taking cigarettes out of people's hands. Loitering around people who smoke.

Do you like true crime? Not me, crime is bad

Black face off

Chinese people read backwards so they always know the ending of a story before the beginning

I don't think Trix are for kids. Nobody likes Trix especially kids

Looking up vs looking at the ground

How often are people getting poisoned to death?

"I've covered a lot of ground here..."

It's not even noon and I already want a nap

Carrot top on shark tank

Guy trys to disguise himself and grows a big bushy beard. Girl tries to disguise and gets bangs

Worst thing I ever said during sex. "Little pig little pig let me come inside of you."

The wonderful thing about black people: they're bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun fun

If each person called you a different name

Or

What if you called everyone the same name. And everyone else did too. Then you wouldn't be known by your name but by the name you call people

Wicker/wigger furniture

My body gives me the "I'm home release pee" in the elevator and I have a long hallway

What if there was a basketball hat?

The amount of money you need not to have in order to be starving is a lot

Bicycle firefighter

I don't understand baseball uniforms. belts, longs sleeves, layers, hats, mpire uniform

did ben franklin have a wig with a bald patch?

CPO sharkie remake

You can't let your cake melt in the rain and have the recipe too

Start uncovering historical foibles that we "cancel" people for in the modern era .

Until no one is left.

"Foibles of my hero's"

The worst thing done by the  best person.

The closer you are to the ground, the easier you are to kick.

Micturation

Jerry Craig

Twenty heads jumeped into a pool. 20 4headds jumped out. How?

It feels weird to stop in the middle of a hallway.

Call beggars rebbe nachem

Perspective is the breadth of time

How many years before you can call something tradition

A spoon FULL of sugar seems a bit much.

I used to have a five piece suit but I'm slimming down.

Have you ever played that game where you pretend the ground is lava. Practally an improvement!
It's like we knew instinctively at a young age that the ground is bad and not to be dealt with.

Black guys like to over dress white guys like to underdress

We all have our weird ways of organizing things. I have my music organized chronologically, by when I first listened to it.

Back in the spice trade days you had to know your spices like drug dealers know cocaine. Tester kits for saffron.

Why is reading so easy.

What is the history of fireworks. What are the order of innovation. What was early and what was recent.

My father... art in heaven.  I don't know what art means but I say it every day and only use it in this one context.

Is my dad doing art in heaven?
Is everyone's name Arthur in heaven?

Depression can be even worse if you can afford it.

My cousin is a professional science experiment

a lot of life as a child is a balance between cool and smart.

Learning things as an adult has a different context and stand out like humor at school. When my child comes home from school I would make him do a extreme detailed summary of his day. Do daily summaries with your child, practice their memory, recall, articulation, enrichens the day creating memories to share

"If your student isn't getting at least/most an 80% you need to adjust the curriculum." - me I wrote this

People say I look like Justin Timberlake so much that I've had people call me Justin Bieber and when I say, do you mean Justin Timberlake and they say "oh yeah" and that has happened to me more times than I have fingers.

You ever realize the song playing in tour headphones is the same song that's playing in the grocery store. Embarrassing

Give all the audience the same shirt that the performers wearing. They will all feel like they are on your team.

I'm in a Hot Chocolate cover band called lids.

When it comes to Hot Chocolate some people like the drink and some prefer the band but really, everyone's a winner.

Have you ever been eavs dropping on someone on a phone call and you feel like you're listening to the boring side of the call

What if Michael Jordan was a micromanager at his restaurant.

It's weird that everyone in the Flintstones is gay. Especially when so many are married

Dr denton

Do you think getting scalped tickles?

Went into tj maxx yawned and left

Sat in disabled seat but there was an open one across from me. The next stop Afghanistan vet with a fake leg got on the and I couldn't see until he got on and then he was in such good shape I felt it would have been disrespectful for me to offer my seat. He clearly did not want it.
The bus starts filling up and two girls go forward, realize that all the two seats had been filled up and came back to the front to sit in the other disabled seats. As they were coming back, one says that she doesn't like sitting in those seats because she would feel awkward if a disabled person got on. Then I got to wait for that moment when each of them realized two seats away was a guy with one leg. Very fun to watch.
A few stops later the bus was pretty much full except for a spot by the guy with one leg. The prettiest girl on the bus sat next to him and she didn't realize he only had one leg and when.

Why don't we have human races like how we have horse and Greyhound

For the racist white people who don't like it when black performers do a lot of runs in the songs go to fucking church. Alt. He is an English Man

Finlay–Peace–Slave–Mackenzie sounds like a basketball player

Have you ever been so hungry that you put your toast in the oven for the extra racks.

Most common name for an aardvark? Aaron.

Bought an encyclopedia set. So far, I know a little bit about aardvarks.

I ll watch bad tv like it's nothin, half hours out the window. But it if you want me to read a book? I need a least 2 references. And good ones. I didn't read Howard Zinn till I watched Good Will Hunting and Matt Daemon recommended it to me (that book will fuckin knock you on your ass). Now that's a Good reference.

I know how I fare at the eye test. At 20 ft without a cover I'd be having a real struggle telling the difference between Karl Knausgaard and Mein Kampf.

Who would win in a fight, all the NBA owners or all the NFL owners.
Who would win in a war?

In NZ they think the right to travel internationaly is a basic human right.

You know the song Jamesie get your gun was written about James Gunn by James addiction

Jimmy Dore used to be Jimmy Dore to dore

Is Jam short for James?

Wen to the grocery store and someone upgraded starberries for apples

Saw a biker with no arms. Not no hands lake a handlebar that went up to his chin.

I wish James Cook named Hawaii James Country and all James's get a discount

Be the animal comedian

Naw Bisch
Nobbish

What is the greatest economic work on sexual commerce

I like Fred Willard more than Robin Williams

Modern remix of "return to sender"

Collection of photos of people bending over to tye their shoe and I'm winding up to kick em

I always read lol as the pee wee laugh

Character who always gets in second place named howard johnson. 28 flavors is no 31. what flavors did baskin add? typed in baskin robins into google and the first autofill was "can 14 year olds work at baskin robins" the answer is yes

Time period where they never cut umbilical cord

Jim crow

how would NFL be different if everyone had to play both ways

I went to the dentist and he said my mouth was dirty. I said fuck you.

I'm not marrying no clumsy woman. I ain't going to the hospital and say she fell down the stairs.

If you meet Drew Carey mistake him for Art Donovan

Noel coward

"my nephew can beat up your nephew"

Alvin Simon and Brother Theodore

With global warming comes the rise of the insects

Started exercising recently
Started doing this move (sumo stomp) 2 hours a day. I do it while watching a movie then I eat a big bowl of everything in the fridge and take a 2 hour nap.

Dennis Miller on letterman = 1.25 Leno on Letterman

Ferris bueler but for a 12 year old

Raindeer should be called snow deer

Ask John Waters to direct a 3 stooges porno

Its exhausting to hold almost any pose for a long period of time.

I love this city, you take a taxi and you don't have to pay. i do anyway but it's nice to know I don't have to

how come scratch and sniff never made it to the next level

Matt Damon sings Ben by Michael Jackson

My brother got a new baby. It's very unreasonable. I tread to reason with it and it wouldn't reason with me!

When discussing abortion, one perspective that is rarely mentioned, are those who want to but who are unable to conceive. Their feeling of despondency that accompanies an evolutionary necessity unfilled. I can sympathize with jealously and given anonymous power to lash out, would I act any better?

I like people who don't like the group they are a part of.

I like John Waters becasue he "has an odd way of making things seem ok". By living in the taboo and unknown he can navigate and guide you around in a way that makes it feel human and ok

box of milk duds in your pocket on a talk show

no due tre quattro cinque. Didn't he kidnap william randolph hearts't granddaughter and they robbed a bank?

Compton elected Sonny Bono as a congressman from 1995-1999

My taste in comics is really wide, from John Waters to John Witherspoon

Roger Ebert wrote, Beyond The Valley of the Dolls. You wouldn't guess by his critiques

When you say something outloud, you want to believe it. And of the class, of "things you want to believe" how many of those are true? If they are true then they are self evident and need not vocalization. But by saying something out loud, it shows your need to reinforce belief in its truth. Why do you need that reinforcement? Because your belief is unstable? Are you insecure in allowing others to have differing beliefs. Do you feel it cuts into your foundation? You want to will it into truth? Sometimes this works. If an outside person agrees then it becomes truth. However, it becomes and remains their truth but is only yours for a moment. External support is fleeting. I'm not sure if this is true but I'd like to think that it is. It would make psychiatric diagnostics much easier.

I had a 5 min convo with my brother about john witherspoon before I realized I thought I had him mixed up with John Waters.

Or with a soup ladel

I can't believe John Witherspoon is Reese' Dad.

Lisa's last lease lapsed.

How come you don't feel energized when you're in a plane. You have just gained so much potential energy.

A nice climate overrides politics when it come to planning a vacation.
How do politics and climate correlate.

Reason why USA is better than Canada. Canada has less than 1 million Hispanics. That's a pretty small percentage who got to the US, said not for me and kept going. and then  didn't come back again once they realized what terrible mistake they made.

Does it make more sense to have a holiday in someone's honor on the day they were born or the day they die?
Or just put it on a Monday to make it a 3 day weekend. Thanks MLK.
Thanksgiving is even more egregious by choosing a Thursday. Who is not making that a 4 day weekend

Joji slow dancing in the dark Halloween costume

Horny-ental

I'm rarely serious and regularly safecious

I like commercials. I talk more about commercials than TV.

The narcissist therapist who thinks all her clients are narcissist

What if Will Rogers became Rogers and Hamerstein

"an explanation is where the mind comes to rest"

"He had the tenacious sanity of the slightly mad"- Moneyball

How did Trex masterbate. Can't reach

I'm a rude gold word machine

If you could play d&d with any character you want, not just fantasy characters.
What if I could be a 1940's professor from Hebrew university
Or Bruce durn from that John Wayne movie "The cowboys"

I saw this fly earlier today, you'd never guess what it was doing

I don't want to see a movie where the main character is less interesting than the actor who is playing them.

Halcyon Nights, parody of hollywood nights (bob seger)

Vern fonk

Only injured on defense

I drink a lot of water because I like to pee

Bugsy Malone for other movie styles

Shoeless Joe's Jackson but for other sports. Shoeless Joe's Johnson the downhill skiier

Herb wall

Pete Townsend finally finished his project that he was researching for

Kyrie marberry article

Animal House movie ending for every movie

Am I racist because my favorite team is Gonzaga?

Every scorcesee directors cut just has gimmie shelter soundtrack on repeat

The higher you jump up the further you come back down

The orchidometer said I was 20 cc's

Figure out Apex Mt for 100 actors/tresses

Big bad John but instead it's a story about little john

Remake John malkovich rounders scenes with other board games.

Metaphor corner
Meta 4 corner

Two lists of topics
Let the guest chose one from each column
One column sports/topical one column encyclopedic.

I don't believe it's a good idea in general to script dialogue. It takes a really strong actor to be able to use someone else's words as if they were their own, and/or they need to be very well written to be superior.

A sketch comedy show with kid cast about a baseball team but don't get actors and make it real.
Movies spend so much money to do something real just so they can pretend, just do it for real!

Opera Man the movie

Podcast call in show where number is found only in bathroom stalls or other gurilla method.

Instead of "no pun intended" say "no homo-phone"

tyler the creator plays stepin fetchit

i believe every story needs a beginning middle and end, just not in that order- harmony korine

great american choose your own adventure novel

A character who has only seen one movie but they watch it every day

The ground is the dirtiest place I've ever been and I've never really left.

Most lullaby's are for little kids. I need to fall asleep too! Write me an adult lullaby.

I think we should dig a big deep hole in the middle of the desert and put some ocean in it.

Only take selfies with ice cream cones

River dance not as cool as land dance?

Advertisements from the education department

Ron popeil stilskin

When is it too late to change your name.

My dad told me when he turns 70 he's going to go start going by bob

Children are usually led by the example of the family model where having children is the thing to do.

The way I was raised was that adults should have children. And so was everyone else.

Double breasted blue blazers are for Hungarian's

Arkansas is so unimpressive, their capitol is little rock, they couldn't even get a medium sized rock?

The ground is better than the ocean

When sailors reach land after weeks at sea they kiss the ground.

The main thing I don't like about swimming in the ocean is that you get so wet.
Like maximum wetness.
I mean I went in the ocean this one time, I was soaked.

It's a whole different ground when you're on a boat, gotta get a whole new set of legs. You see, sea legs work on land but land legs don't work that well at sea.
If you have the wrong set of legs when you're at sea, you might vomit.

I had straight A's in school.

Did you graduate from Egg school?

The next late night talk show host should be Elmo or Kermit

I just want to be successful enough that if I'm killed it's considered an assassination

Isn't it crazy that you can pluck a certain length string and communicate the same song as blowing into a certain size tube

If a girl tells you she likes your shoes that means she looked you up and down, inside and out, and that's the only redeeming quality she could find but for some reason she feels obliged to say something

Does the supreme Court have a secret service?
How many supreme Court Justices have been assassinated?

May your ex wife die of stretch marks -loudon wainwright

Go to a friend's house and hide Easter eggs

I think people's names are funny.
To me every movie is a comedy if you wait  long enough.

A giant natural disaster is almost incomprehensible so the part I'm most not looking forward to is the traffic

Westminster people show

I'm not sure who's nerdier, a mathmetition or a regular magician

gene shalit moustache

Why did Kareem not get MVP his rookie year?

What are all the great things about being be a slave owner. + Vs - list

Commercially available mushroom broth.

Tooth mop
instead of brush

What would happen if a country nationalized gymnasiums and made them free to citizens.
What if a state did it, which one would you guess/want.

WHat do I think about Woody Allen? Grover Cleveland did the same thing and I still love eating Baby Ruths

For being "New" Mexico, there's a lot of old Mexicans

Kaliedascope on my gun

Which do you learn for baseball pitching, throw as hard as you can and build accuracy or build speed among a more stable accuracy

Can I sell short on real estate in areas that are going to be devistated by global warming?

When's the next big vilind musician going to come out?

If every time you masterbated you went back in time one day, how would you manage this new life?

The best race is "mixed"

How many Americans have interracial grandparents?

Ground zero, not a great place to be

"It's nice to be nice to the nice"- Frank Burns MASH

Subway should offer pizza as a bread option.

President of the Lilly guild

Babies prefers mode of transportation is to crawl. Can you imagine if you had to crawl home instead of walk? It hurts my knees just thinking about it.

Measure people's daily stress levels and compare to phone battery levels. Wonder how strong the correlation?

"It's simple, but it's not easy."

"You do it because you can"
-Alfred

I don't like martinis and I don't like coffee but I really like an espresso martini

"A man without a plan is not a man"- Nietzsche

Do the mahi get the treats

T-shirt
A floral print shirt with tea leaves

the sun is cold in the middle like a hot pocket from the microwave

Character has to prove they aren't an imbosile so that they aren't forced to be steralized. "Three generations of imbosilles is enough."
Buck v. Bell

Nba could/should double the number of cities. Look how many colleges sell out stadiums. Smaller towns have stronger dedication.

Interview where people ask me questions about my favorite people always choose someone named James. Jimi Hendrix playing for the JB's would be my dream band. Jim Brown football, LeBron basketball, James Joyce, James Acaster, Jim Morrison.

Throwing a James only party would be fun. Girls don't have to be named James, just the boys.

you'r butt is so white that if you were in a dark room and someone lit a canle across the room and your pants were down, you'd get a sunburn in 15 minutes

A "yes dear" audio button voiced by Sean Clements

Chocolate coated hot tamales, or caramel coat

Pet wrapping paper

If people were like tank fish. How much volume does each person need. And/or area. How much open space how far to travel, how much commute how big of a range.

They say kids lauge 127 times a day but that adults only laugh 11. Is the total amount of time still the same? I understand the intensity is stronger with kids but I'd rather not have to cry 50 times a day as well.

I like the song ghost riders in the sky because I'm fine with ghosts as long as they're not on the ground. I don't like ground ghosts, but in the sky?

Halloween edition of bumping mics where everyone is wearing a costume but with all plants so you can more precise jokes. Tell the plants that they're one of a few plants but don't tell anyone else.

Does the devil exhibit the extremes of sin in his own actions. Is he slothful, wrathful, envious etc

Candy/dessert buffet

"who do I want to live longer, the earth or me" Jordan shaver

How come things that are mature and immature are the same types of comedy

Jim Bridger story on panel show