You know how you're not supposed to rub your eyes when they're itchy. I do it anyways. But then it feels so much worse when you stop that you do it more.
What's that thing that one you stop doing something bad it hurts too much to quit that you keep doing it even though it's bad.

Character who only speaks in music quotes.
not toungue in cheek

Have you ever solved a math puzzle them laughed to yourself?

What kind of comedian would that be?

Star wars counter argument: Say "Luke Skywalker" 50 times

Truth or Dare.
Truth.
What do you look like naked?

A classroom where everyone has different Cuckoo clock wrist watches that are a little off each other timewise. One watch noticibly larger that goes off last and when the watch opens the door opens and a guy in a giant bird costume enters screams cookoo and does a crazy dance

Cup-pies

Do you know the only thing that's better underground? Railroad.

What is the distinction between learning in front of an audience and solo. When you are in front of an audience it forces you to perform. Learning requires mistakes which is less comfortable when visible. BUt when it's visible it's more pressing to address, which makes you learn more effectivly. The feedback is good because of the solutions it provides but bad because it puts you into a non natural state. Ways to overcome... Practice Acknowledge that it's a non natural state and create a character Prioritize maxing comfort and familiarity with being yourself on stage Practice in front of a weak audience and build up.

When people in NZ say "sweet as" I like to say something sweet.

Sweet as...
White gold kit kat
Ice cream Sunday on a Tuesday with cherry on top and the bottom
12 days into a no sugar only dairy and carb diet you sneak to the fridge in the middle of the night and there's a bag of grapes that you accidentally bought because you forgot that fruit has sugar. And you didn't want to throw them away fresh so you just leave them in the fridge until they go bad. And you feel through the bag and most of them are soft but then you find one that's perfectly firm. And you feel it like you're feeling a baby.

I like making people tase things by using words. Good food is probably better than bad.

Even a broken rooster is right once in it's life

I want to be a single father who brings his kid to work in order to teach them.

They aren't allowed to have your data but what they do have is everyone's data and how different are you from everyone?

Do a recorded crowd work stand up special and fill the audience with plants. Who has the record for most plants in a show?

Jimmy Carr is the British Steve Harvey

Metric system isn't better for conversation. No one's telling me to centimeters forward. If something's far, it's miles.

Do a stand up special and call it "Dr Reverend Mr Luther King Jr" and have every joke start with " I had a dream"

Room?

I had a dream where I was in an argument and my position was "A hallway IS a room". I soon became aware I had very little evidence to back this up, especially considering how much conviction as I was putting into defending it. So I ran away. You know how once you start running in a dream sometimes it just becomes a running dream. So now I'm running down one of those never ending scooby doo hallways where you pass by the same painting 3 times. I thought to myself, "This is too substantial not to be considered it's own room."

Astronaut pen spinning

When you don't know if a friend's dog is a boy or girl. And the name doesn't help.

do any stand up's actually use plants?

Would wagons/carriages with Giant wheels ride smoother. Was there an era where giant wheels were in fashion and people kept trying to one up each other?

If duels became legal how would it change society?
A TV show about a country that starts out like the US but they get a crazy leader who keeps changing big random rules.
1 new law a week?

If I ran a university it would be interesting if I started a dorm where a guy and a girl had to be roommates. As many would be bad but I think it woulddo more good than harm. How many would get married, better friend group mixing. Hopefully not an increase in rape but now that I'm thinking about it, if it's even a little that might not be worth it.

you know how you can say words that you can't spell and you can spell words that you can't pronounce shouldn't those two things be more intrinsically linked boy wouldn't that be more convenient

James at 15

when I was 15 my favorite show starred a young lance kerwin

I don't understand stores that keep regular business hours. You wanna buy shoes? You got money? Do you work a normal job? Sorry, not our demographic. We only cater to the unemployed.

Police newspaper.
Cop news

Why do clothes need tags?

Guinness breaks their records into weight classes.

Pay employees per hour to sleep.

A camels hump that stores sleep

Robert Caro on Edison power. Not the scientist but the power

autonomy, beneficence, non-maleficence and justice

Quote of the day on Facebook with explanation.

James beard

"Good bread is the most fundamentally satisfying of all foods; and good bread with fresh butter, the greatest of feasts."

I've been getting my James beard om more than any other period in my life.
Reading this quote makes me want to agree with it and since I try not to be a hypocrite that means good bread is on the horizon. Reading this quote, feels like a step in the process of eating. Not like being full and nor the feeling of Bread in the oven, a few hours away.

When I regulate what I eat quantity is easier than quality. A good Loaf of Bread is a simple meal compared to a sandwich. When is the last ut how many novels have I read where bread with cream is a pinnacle of satisfaction. Heidi, The Growth of the Soil and Russian short story are three that jump with immediacy.

Simple foods. Fruit apple bread.

A book of verse under the bough
A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and Thou.

I dislike looking for parking more than walking excessively long distances.

How many senators have been assassinated?

Matthew 5:44 love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you What is the action of praying for your enemies. Pray for them to do what? Pray that they can see the error of their ways, the harm they are doing, and that they seek forgiveness for their transgressions? Is there a typical wording or action that is "praying for those who persecute you?" If "this is how you should pray" “‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, 10 your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. 11 Give us today our daily bread. 12 And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation,[j] but deliver us from the evil one. then how do you do that for someone?

You know what's cool? Rock overhangs. Especially if it's windy or rainy you can just stand by a wall with a rock overhang and your like a little bit protected. Not like all the way like being in a house or even as cool as being in a cave.
Now it looks like most of you aren't that impressed but I read a plaque at the museum that said "rock overhangs were popular as shelters during hunting trips 700 years ago"

People back then were like, you know where the new cool place to hang out is. That rock overhang, forget the club.

Elon musk bring back the world fair!

Shadow puppets in Antarctica

I don't like swimming in pools because I don't like the smell of chlorine. I think they should make swimming pools smell like cinnamon instead of chlorine.

Eat a plate of cinnamon rolls and people think I'm leading an active lifestyle.

If the earth is flat, what shapes is it. Why did the ancients assume "4 corners"

A guy who collects exotic animals so he won't get evicted

Lighter with add

People who complain about auto tune are the same people who complained when Dylan went electric.

Ice breaker question. Have you ever called 911?

What if we used a different person's death to measure every year

Name my Phoenix cinder ella

Ask John 3:16 people what begotten means

Tunnel skyscrapers?

Dude ranch doritos

When you buy a gun do you need to buy gun insurance?

I don't know what's been going on with the gluten market lately but they've been giving it away for free with all my favorite foods.

I think paying for gluten makes it taste better.

Most of my jokes are inside jokes so they might not work, after I blow the roof off this place!

Asked but never told Brave but never bold Bluff but never fold Shame but never scold Shook but never rolled Convinced but not cajoled Cool but never cold Win but never gold Always fit the mold

On average 1 every three rulers has been used to measure a penis.

Is it better to be a translator if your native language is the one you are translating from or the one you are translating to.

A draft is good for the church, not only because more people turn to god due to the war but more people would become members of the clergy/(female clergy?) to escape the draft.

"An entertainer tries to make love to the audience, an artist is a masturbator, he wants to please himself."

Band name. The the

"Keeping kindness alive is a tragic and sacred job. and you're doing it." -Naomi to me

Ann D'amore

Cannibal Fish that only eats bigger fish

Breaking News; Trump call "It" "Great"

fire and kill with diabolical skill build an empire, livin higher on the hill I got a new chip off an old brick bought a new whip for a cold bitch I'll burn a label just to turn the tables yall heard the fables, I'm sure unstable

Whenever I witness a major athletic event, I imagine Hunter S Thompson noticing it out of the corner of his eye from some decrepit setting. The culminating achievement of countless lives, acknowledged and moved on. One sentence among pages but a sentence that exists in millions of stories.

hot tub is my birth control of choice

If I could be any superhero I would be Daredevil because I always wanted to be blind

Do you think Evel Kineval convinced anyone his real name is Evel by spelling it Evel instead of Evil?

wear a tie when swimming

Q: What's that butterfly for? A: It looks pretty.

If the Louvre was destroyed with it's contents, what would the consequence be?

Billy on the Street Bit. Mo Rocca or Louix Thorou Wrong! That's Ira Glass!

is it a true paradox if it doesn't translate to a different language?

politicians are paid scapegoats

did L Ron Hubbard have a mother and a dog?

poison food

first caveman who decided to write down the last thing people ate before they died. He realizes a common food is poisonous but struggles in convincing people.

Is watching sports physically healthier for you than watching cartoons (mirror neurons)

mouth operated flashlight

People ask me if I have a poor memory because I'm always writing stuff down. I tell them I have a great memory, I just don't keep it all in my head.

glasses are condoms for butterfly kisses

ON a scale of 1-10 1 being apathy and 10 being pride, where is cool? I'm thinking 3-4.

Let's take this fight outside. IN fact lets take it to Vietnam. That way if I lose I won't be the only American who fought in Vietnam and lost. t

story about a lonely suicidal person who wants to commit suicide but has a friend who convinces them to go super in debt to do bucket list before committing suicide. Only person on roller coaster with arms down ice cream melting over hand in a ball pit or a bed with a million pillows cut between these scenes with the same facial expression

Girls Wanna have fun > YMCA

Superman likes warhead candy, but not the black cherry. Too sour.

What is stalling gas mileage. Compare to human brain.

"You were in the infantry? That's pretty fancy, most of my family never made it out of childbirth?" - Brett Emmerson

France wishes it was an island

Green light means go... back to bed

How many questions do you ask a day. What are the averages for different age groups?

The bottom of hell is frozen because heat rises. That's why there's snow on the top of mountains. When Hell freezes "Over"

If you can play basketball, you can make friends in america.

F Lee Bailey.

Character who keeps telling DJ Khaled negative things

Looking up a word that you don't know while reading a book. There's no movie equivalent. You never have to pause a movie cause you don't understand and consult another different movie.

The closest thing is when you're watching a movie and you see someone who you recognize from another movie but you can't remember their name. It doesn't really impact your ability to understand what's going on, but it's distracting enough that I can't move past it.

IMDB is like the movie dictionary.

What are the cheapest and most expensive ways to die

I judge books by covers. I only read red books. You gotta pair it down somehow.

Guy who read all the books, how diligent was he?

Song writing tip. Find the best sound and use it a lot.

Steve post-fontaine

Jewish restaurant?

"My rat has testicular cancer" on a&e

Zen infomercial, where it is alright that things take a long time.

Zen garden infomercial sold by Ron popiel

It would be weird to look back on recent history as being more advanced.
I'm trying to imagine a romantic looking back on the bronze age from early dark ages.

"Brevity is hard to follow" - William James

Is it racist for a black person to do blackface?

Did Hitler use curse words in his speeches

To repair a net, you are putting more holes in it

Myopia is my opiate of choice

Its nice to have experts around because it allows me to maintain my ignorance and delegate knowledge

Superhero, save one life a day.
Would fit well into the avengers

I like shoulder pads because the body part I'm most attracted to in a female is her shoulder. Like when they do that thing with the bra strap. And my favorite type of shoulder on a girl is big.. and square.

It's hard to be a human being but it's harder as anything else
Like an octopus
Or a tree

Economy where things cost a percentage of your income

Cry

2 types of sci fi settings
The shake up (Iron man, scanner darkly)
Almost Equilibrium (1984, brave new world)

Non traditional bed sizes and shapes. And we sell the sheets.

Mario only drank juice. Extravagant?

Make a fake study correlating school shooters to classroom size. As long as the NRA is looking for any excuse for school shootings other than gun reform, why not use that to get school reforms.

Things that live under your bed are scary

Which police force in history was most "citizen friendly"

James Beard, James Cook

Adam sandler singing do wah diddy

Oh beehive

Protip. Guys wear sandals when they can't find clean socks.

Can't have two kids with the same name.

Being cold burns calories

You don't wanna be the worst person to ever have your name, unless your name is Ivan.

The first swords were like lightsabers

Man's intestinal track is a root turned inside out

Why aren't insurance companies leading the global warming r&d charge?

People don't like it when you call them someone else's name

Tortoise and hare alternative. 10,000 mile race

Not good is rarely "great"

My hair has potential for audacity. Unleashable at any moment

Why doesn't a river create static electricity through friction

I couldn't be a doctor because I don't like blood. Doctors are all people who answered the question, "how much do you like blood" with, "I wouldn't mind making it my profession" "I wouldn't mind bathing my hands in it every morning"

There ain't no more adolfs there ain't no more judases there ain't no more cassieses there ain't no more brutuses.
Actually I think Brutus might be making a 2 thousand year come back. I don't know any Brutuses but I feel like they are out there.

Too lazy to go to bed

Shiny Golden garbage bags

Rube Goldberg meets dr kvorkian comic series

When it comes to in and out. I like the in more than the out

Vatican city curling team

Chinese cowboy in western China

The bashful Jehovah's witness football player

Have you ever been doing a math problem, and you know the answer is one, but you can't prove it.

Child molesters.
Do children get in trouble for molesting adults?

Flower "style" is human "vagina"

I spend a lot of my time alone and it's a luxury I won't always have.

Heard a noise.

I'm not sure what it was but something fell.
What was up that could have fallen.
Did I leave something precariously perched, go to the bathroom and then forget about it?

Tweeze beard
Wax top of head

A tv commercial for a local church

I like games. I like to play footsie under the table with your wife.

Pick a rock off the ground, brush the dirt off

The gravitas of the stage brings poignancy to simple absurdity.

Put on belt clockwise or counter clockwise

Hey, quiet coyote

Give up on hike

Who does the devil have on his shoulder?

The water was as grey as the shingles on the roof of the abandoned National Gaurds building and the forest in the distance was a darker gray and they sky a lighter hue but all that I can see out my window is difinitivly gray.

I had an argument about weather an open or closed door is a binary. A little bit open IS OPEN! I can't read the intent from outside.

Cold case files: ed sheeran steals chinese food from a buffet

Jesus is a cure for ocd. Forgiveness breaks the negative feedback loop

How many issues can you care about?

"Don't wash don't brush" -Rainbow

Eagle bear

Medicine bear lone warrior

Tuesday Three Stars

John Turnip Seed

Whats to stop the other person from looking through the glory hole after you are done?

Chicken and a can of coke

You impudent rascal

Tim Allen and Sinbad are buddy cops

A pillow on a bean bag chair is like the first person who put a cherry on top of an ice cream Sunday.

When you meet a girl and find out her last name, ask her if she knows about the porn star who has the same name

Pride is uncool