The back of my hand isn't the body part I'm most intimately familiar with

Whats more important to halloween, candy or costumes

A sweater is just a giant knot.

If you like "N'Sync" you might like "The Backstreet Boys"

Snap button pants

Bah humbug for other holidays

My name is Birthday.

Breathing is hard to do wrong

Responsibility is a price you pay for success

Han solo jacket

Talk show with two hosts

A show called Joe or Franklin where everyone's name is either Joe or Franklin

A show called Joe where everyone's name is Joe.

I can forgive myself for not being able to make the audience laugh

Bells and whisles are bad

Guy who doesn't say any bad words except for the n word

I'm not taking off no Abraham Lincoln Wednesday. Mlk was born on a Monday let's go with that. If only he had the forsight to be born in February

Do you think being a boy is easier than being a girl?

The power of secrets

Guys don't have purses because they couldn't stop swinging them around

If you have a vendetta with parking meters, have ever eaten 50 eggs, or smoke cigarettes

Guinness record for eating weird things

I want friends who have scores to settle with meter maids

Is there a website for petitions that I could e-sign?

Are serial killers getting better or are they not being made as much anymore

Aaron sorkin's labyrinth

Boredom is a perspective

I like to dance. My favorite kind of dance is the one when you're a little kid and you stand on your parents feet.

Sebastián anus alshimer shit it pants

Kramer's favorite part of raisin bran is the bran. He likes corn flakes better than frosted flakes. But shreaded wheat is still better frosted

Ghandi had the quickest fast in the Dutch East

Violence is a selfish act

Fakir

Gandhi (1982) Margaret Bourke-White: [interviewing Ba in prison] Is it hard, being separated this way? Kasturba Gandhi: Yes. But we see each other in the day. Margaret Bourke-White: But not at night? Kasturba Gandhi: In Hindu philosophy the way to God is to free yourself of possessions, and the passions that inflame anger and jealousy. Bapu has always struggled to find the way to God. Margaret Bourke-White: You mean he gave up... married life? Kasturba Gandhi: Four times he tried, and failed. But then he took a solemn vow. Margaret Bourke-White: And he has never broken it? Kasturba Gandhi: Not yet.

What does this mean

Fasting is a ballsy political move

Acceleration is more interesting than top speed

The key to comedy is wearing a dress

You know what's heavy? Bowling balls.

Old McDonald had an igloo

Guy offered to buy my shirt today. What a weird way to go shopping.

Made flava flave look like George Kennedy in cool hand luke

Female cool hand luke

"I'm comfortably well off." - daffy duck swimming in a pile of gold

Modern day ascap boycot in music. Only public domain songs available to listen to

You never hear about people not getting into Harvard or MIT 100 years ago

People of substance. Who have mirrors in their house

Pop rock Margherita

How many people tie their shoes every morning?

Unseemly hullabaloo

Belt twist

My dad wrote Captian Underpants, so yeah I grew up with money

If I was a celebrity with skeletons in the closet, I would join Scientology, fast

That which we call a rose / By Any Other Name would smell as sweet.
What if you called it "poop"

What are the douchebag names for the next generation?

"ain't no such thing as halfway opera singing" mobb deep

Bike chop shop

Hap 3 musketeers
Rene chocolate peanut butter

More Schwab

Guys don't get purses because they will swing them around.

Musicians who have died on planes vs cars

Hard candy sucks. Hard is not a good adjective for food.

Pacing on the phone

Borat is a wild and crazy guy

Implications of a white guy who's 1/32 chinese

Guns don't seem like a good way to defend yourself. It's more of an offensive tool.

One way glory hole

Why do old people walk so slow. Have you ever seen someone over 90 run? How much can they ratch up.

Name son Shaft

Campbell's cut some corners this quarter

What kind of promotions can the dollar store have?

Ill try to make up for it with gesticulation and poignancy

Crib with a lid

Whirling dervish

Karate kid shower curtain costume

Michael medler

Steven pine

I wouldn't want to be Confucius' son

The son of Sun Tzu

Chris smith

I'm the kind of guy that laughs at a funeral. Can't understand what I mean? It's been 20 years since this song came out, I don't think it's going to happen.

Force feeding dentures

The maid stole my towels

Moths are inside bats

You wanna buy a gun go to a handball court

Please don't trespass against me. I don't want to have to forgive you.

Have you ever licked the ground. It doesn't taste very good, it's true in every country.

Magician drug gang

You ever sleep wrong?

I like to skip but I don't like to do it in public because the general consensus on skipping is that it's gay. I think it's actually the other kind of gay but people got confused.

Gay is taking over light hearted happy things

Cooler weapons than guns

I don't like the ground

Money has different value to old people

The next major human evolutionary cleave will be technology based.

All Samsung users die. Everyone who doesn't use T-Mobile dies. Everyone with a cell phone in their pocket dies

I was thinking about inventing time travel today, but I think I'll put it off till tomorrow. No hurry.

Candy

Crowd work where you mishear everything

I used to be disheveled, now you m in the process of shevelding

Sentanced to bad grammar for life

Hummus in broth

Meat as a garnish

The sun is 1000 light seconds away

The sun is three light hours away

Stretching to make space for strength

Would you rather be a man or a woman?

Blind vs deaf

Blind you can live in an ugly place, you can have an ugly wife. You can work in a khaki office with no windows. A rocking chair on the porch looking at a sunset iver the ocean and a big brick wall look about the same only one is a lot cheaper.

Respect and mayonnaise

Blind and deaf

If I went deaf I bet I would get a song stuck in my head that I learned before I went deaf, but I only half remembered it and now I will never be able to learn the rest?

History fan fiction like man in high castle

Roll up white board

Fold away podium

Homeless celebrity reality show

Anenomie aquarium. Pet

If a food doesn't look tasty, it's already failed its first test.

Go on stage and describe untasty food, call it "polish ___"

Hot dog rolled in pop rocks, polish pasty

Harder than a Chinese crossword

Insurance companies should have their own police for prevention

Who are old superheroes

Is there a fancy way to cook hot dogs?

Aluminum foil wallpaper

You ever quit something before you start?  Somehow it still feels good.
Maybe I'll be a doctor. It looks hard. Maybe not.

Sunset blue

I need to restrain my zealousy

Has anyone ever cared when something sponsors something?  Oh, this game is sponsored by Bud Light? I guess I won't watch the Stanley Cup, NBA on TNT is sponsored by Verizon.

No one ever asks their friend if they show up late, "Hey so who sponsored this game?"

Soap has it's own kind of opera.
How big of an industry is soap?
I think soap should come out with their own type of

Johnson and Johnson is buying Netflix.

Can't we have robot glasses by now?

Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori

I like having problems with easy solutions.  I like being tired. You don't need to go to a doctor to find a solution for that one.
When you're not tired you can't enjoy sleep
I like being hungry because there's so many good solutions.
When you are not hungry you don't get to enjoy eat
Hunger is the greatest seasoning

How come Howard dean was taken out in one meme but trump is somehow using them to make himself stronger

Play with the power of a secret

Rocc box

Bland statements whose opposite is also true.
"having a good day is better than having a bad day"

Penis flavored ice cream. For girls.

Setting very specific world records

Buying garbage bags just to throw them away

Man needs a maid music video

Value village date: buy an outfit that your partner has to wear for the rest of the day.

Tasting the grapes sourness with every blink that closed but did not reveal

Why do people make fun of prince for changing his name to a symbol. It's not like his name was really "prince" in the first place

Domini marketing for Republicans, "How To get a six-pack from behind your desk"

Have you ever been in one of those cars where the breaks and gas pedals are switched?
It's amazing how long it takes to get used to that. But not as difficult as driving on the other side of the road. I'm going to the UK in a few weeks so I thought I'd get some practice.

If you shot a gun in an old folks home, more people would die from shock hearing gunfire than would die by bullets.

Are there any fruits that you pickle

I enjoy teasing people who take life seriously

Frontal lobotomy are fully funded under the new Healthcare system. Doctors have been pushing it so they can make more money.

Blood red wall paint

Did you know that otter pops aren't made with real otters

You smell like burnt popcorn, are you having a heart attack?

I would not want to be an insurance agent in Metropolis.

Makes Eva Braun look like Joan of Arc

Last time he ran a committee they wanted  an arabian thoroughbred he he gave them a Bactrian

Surprisingly, much more valuable, it's on the endangered list.

Why is 10 the "round" number?  Why not 8? Now that's a round number!

I decided to start smoking recently. I don't like it very much but I heard it's good for you and I'm kind of a health nut. People tell me that once I start, I'll never want to go back.

Have you ever thought. I wish my ears had aux input, so I wouldn't feel so stupid when I try to put in my headphones backwards

A nation of people who all had their hands cut off

I just want a girlfriend so I can walk down the street and stare at my phone the whole time. I just got to hold her hand and she can be the eyes for both of us.

Ice cream cones are for children. If you go to the ice cream store and order in a bowl you are not a child. A child should have a dripping ice cream cone in one hand and a balloon in the other. Alternately a giant lollipop and one of those paddle games with the red ball on the string.
The cone is no a very stable shape to be carrying something.
You'd never drop your ice cream on the ground if you were eating it in a bowl.

While you are talking to someone do you ever think, I hope this person isn't a mind reader.

Did you hear, Worthers is coming out with a new Candy. "Worthers Even More Original"

Ice cream cone  is my new standard measure distance

Give homeless people boom boxes with only your favorite songs loaded on.

In asian insant noodle world. What flavor does orange represent?
Chicken

When are Mike and Ikes going to get in the bag candy game?

I feel bad for the "Worthers Original" brand. Not a lot of room for innovation. You can't really come up with a new spin, you can't do cherry worthers originals.

Needs work. Not sure if its worth it

I think I like bugles so much it's messing with the microeconomy of my local grocery store

Ask Mike if he would do a speaking tour for cross cut laminate.

koyaanisqatsi
Watching scotty grow
Uta hagen
Clarence Thomas Long Dong Silver
Patches
gil jankowitz
Sargasso sea
Marshall holman, johnny petraglia, carmen salvino
Andrea true, more more more
Red Adair

Have you ever talked with a homeless person for so long that they "have to go somewhere" and walk away.

I have a restraining order out on Nicole Kidman.

I don't make enough money to be gangster.
Dreadlock weed, girl overzealous on skateboard then embarrassed. my dad doesn't believe in chiropractor degrees should, Russian chic with Mary tattoo. You're going the wrong way.

Face in the crowd, homeless chick talking at the same time. (singing song.) Your favorite songs are the ones you sing to yourself. (except "I'm never lonesome")
Can't party by yourself.  You can't remember everything, at least bot all at once. Madeline cookies. I'm from Northern California so I didn't become a movie star but I got over it, I became a mother for my kids and I did a good job. The opposite of a stranger is a parent. Somehow you care more about you children than you do about yourself. Calling your kids and parents is important, even if you don't have a phone. Someone stealing your purse takes more away than they get. Losing a purse hits in two waves. One first hit and then a lingering wave follows. Brushing teeth, backpack. Offical visitor, thought I was a gangster, I don't make enough money to be a gangster.

Is that your grandfather, is that Martina Davis.

You gotta miss something

Asian girl comes up and trying to hook up. Not very subtle at first and then straight up asking for it. I try to deflect with abstract conversation. What are you up to?  Writing about a conversation but I can't remember the part the began with a song. Its comfortable to have a communal experience, like listening to a song that brings you all to a similar time in your life. What do you do? Would you like to hang out. I don't want to lead you on.

They're playing douggie

Christmas in July

I want to see her again and ask her what song she was saying that day.

I think the term "slut" is a judgment on quality more than quantity.

Kaboodle

My hobby is welding bikes to bike races.

Are there cold torches that make stuff cold?

Pawn shops should also sell crack

NASCAR right hand turns

The National anthem of Trinidad and Tobago should be "Hot Hot Hot"

Used pencil to the end vs used toilet paper

How come cheap cars don't look cool

What's the worst present youve ever given

If you want to know a secret you have to make a secret. If you heard it second hand, it's no longer a secret.

I wish I was walking up a stairway to heaven right behind you.

Everything before ", but" is a lie

Its like doing mushrooms at Joshua tree and you realize that you are living a cliche but it's true, it really is a, beautiful day.

The beginning is the most important. The beginning is the best part, more fun because more to learn and faster learning rate.

Song writer and "'Good' King Wenslas" (patrick's n Saint of chek Republic) going back and forth writing a song to help him establish his name as "good"

Play d+d as "the fool".  High charisma and luck.

Weed flavored vape

The icing isn't the best part. In fact, a cake is poorly designed.

I wanna hear Jason Statham say "geranium"

Girls have to schedule around clothes

On stage, eyes closed

There's almost no chair that wouldn't be a little bit better if you added a pillow.

Favorite word is overzealous

Makes bjorn borg look like magnus Magnuson

Black and white movies aren't as memorable because they don't have color.

When was the last time someone used a wrecking ball

It would be cool to be a music agent for retired artists who aren't producing music anymore. Buy and bundle rights, get to meet cool old musicians.

My friend lost his cat and I suggested that she put up a lost cat sign with a picture of her cat. She said "I didn't know you could take pictures of a cat"

Wouldn't it be fine if I could just rhyme every line in a jokes sentence?
It would be devine, if I could only find
A way to convey a funny premise
And yes I know that I just rhymed the word premise with premise.
I've quickly run out of steam on the entire premise
And really I could say anything and it would technically rhyme as long as I end the phrase with the word premise...

They should call red delicious apples red not delicious, it's not a very good apple... Premise

When Charles Darwin realized that we evolved from making monkey I bet he was like "I wished I invented the Frisbee."-Karl Pilkington

Didn't you play the sidekick "Dunstin Checks In"

Is it legal to drive if you are bleeding profusely?

Having arms is like having two tails. If I lost my arms I would fall over a lot.

I only buy whole milk. If you want a drink  that's low fat, don't drink milk.

Sean and hayes for weekend update chairs

Story about a boy who stares at the sun and is blind with only in the center. A circle at what would normally be the focal point. It develops this character as one who sees everything at once, able to see without focus or direction.

when you look straight up, on a clear day how high do you see?

If you look out to the sky during a sunset, where is the top? Is it at the horizon. So why don't we feel like the top of the sky is directly above us, like every other time we've prepositioned. Why does the sky feel higher up 'over there' than it does overhead.

If you ask people which direction is the top of the sky.

Shahareizade would be a great Dungeon Master.

Ralph cramden  "strain"

Things that are ugly to look at aren't nearly as bad as things that smell repulsive

My grandmother made me a Cheesecake for my birthday. I said grandma, this Cheesecake tastes different than most Cheesecakes I've had. She said, well I put a special ingredient in it just for you. And I was like, what is it. And she said love. I like Cheesecakes better when they were made without care or individual attention. Like a Cheesecake extruded onto a conveyer belt. Do you know where I could get a Cheesecake from a place like that. Like a Cheesecake factory of sorts.

Have you ever been tricked by a blindfold?

I started a new candy company. I call the candy worthers.

Has anyone ever used an oxygen mask on an airplane or known anyone who has?

Cheesecake factory. You ever ask your grandmother what her secret ingredient is and she says love. What if we made a store that made that bragged about the lack if individual attention or love.

Why are there so many wedding dress stores. I've never been inone and I walked by three just to get here

Protest signs no one disagrees with

Two guys walk into a bar...  And they don't laugh at any of my jokes.

You might recognize our next comic from...  Old references

Does shit by any other name still smell as bad?

I hate people who judge others for one quality. And hypocrites.

An all female pirate ship

Addicted to the ridiculous. Suspicious of the superfluous.

Are banana peels even slippery?

Go funk and wagnalls yourself

I don't once played to an audience of 20,000 people. I did a 20 minute set on an I-5 overpass. I think a lot of it went over people's heads.

How do you not eavesdrop?  You can't close your ears like you can your eyes.

Did you hear that they are thinking of changing the order of the alphabet so that it matches the order on a keyboard?

Im surprised tonya harding situations don't happen way more often

You know when it's raining and you see a worm halfway across the sidewalk. Where's it going? And how come there's so many of them? Do birds not eat worms anymore? You'd think a rainy day would be a birds favorite day. "you mean I getto sleep in?"

Equality! More female cab drivers.

It's not ok to hit a woman but what about spitting on her face?

Cockburn Town is the capital city of the Turks and Caicos Island

Wow, you write like Emily Dickinson, or  Emily Dick in Mouth.

Make udders go to word

Who signed your shoes?
George Thurgood and Venus Di Milo.

Man on the street interview, pretend to be a blind interviewer. Go up to a group of girls, ask their name and then ask who has the biggest tits. Then ask her all the questions.

Debate podcast

You can tell if someone has messy hair or if they are just going for the "messy hair"  look by how baggy their clothes are.

Nationalist joke
I cant take a country seriously that has... On their money

Canada: Maurice Richard

I growing up thinking that it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown. I blame my depression on a motivational poster misprint.

Vinko bogataj

They should call red delicious red not delicious

Fake medium psychic act

If Gatorade is such a great thirst quencher why do they sell it in such large bottles?

I like to learn, I like to educate myself you know. Get smart. You know what I learned recently? Cunt, is a bad word. I thought it was a good word. Where have I been?

Best self portrait
Durer
Van gough
DaVinci
Rembrandt

Wagner has the worst chinstrap beard ever

Good thing Jesus died on the cross instead of something else, he might have died for our foibles.

Which two historical figures would have interesting progeny?

I believe that application of art can be objective when compared in a exactly similar genre.

makes ingrid newkirk look like p.t. barnum

Vast Deference

Deference should never be described as "vast"

Billy mitchell should do twitch

It's amazing how much stuff is worth nothing

You know those floor mats thing for kids that has the the birds eye view of roads and buildings. Why was that so popular?

Why be a clown? The only reason you would want to do it is to make people happy, but people don't like clowns.
Clowns might be the least effective people at their jobs.

If they changed the order of the alphabet I don't think my life would change very much. It doesn't matter much to me if h comes before j or after w. The biggest problem would be having to relearn the new alphabet song, the old one wouldn't do me much good anymore.
And our current alphabet song would sound absurd.
Singing it to my grandkids.  ABC...
Grandfather why would such a song exist? Who would write such an absurd song and why do you know it so well.

To be an effective politician, find the most efficient middleman of each industry that intersects with your jurisdiction

Why would you catfish a homeless person?

One step past cankle, fetlock

Hang em high ending. I know that I am still nursing you back to health from their bullets but give up this vengeance thing already. I know it took me fifteen years but I got over it yesterday so now that I am on the other side of the fence I have no sympathy.

If you lived in old western days, a pinstripe suit meant that you were a bum

Why isn't there a sammish brewery? Every other landmark in this city has a brewery.

Get me a sammish!

You know my favorite thing about being the king?  Great customer service.

When people use the term squared in regular conversations they usually mean double.
When referring to two similar things people say "its like something squared"
1 squared is 1 and 2 squared is 4. Which one are you talking about.
If you are talking about one thing and calling it sqaured because 1 sqaured is one, I will listen and ask youva question why you did that and then laugh really hard when I realize how absurd you are.
You could be talking about the square root of 2.  But that would be just as abdurf as one.

I took a math test and for every answer I wrote 0 and at the bottom of the test I wrote, "Answers rounded to the nearest hundred thousand"
This joke does better in geometry class.

Worms quit running so hard there's nothing for you on the other side.

If the only book was the kama sutra instead of the Bible

A way to innocuously help prisoners snitch.

Sean and hayes sarcastic interview with big stars made from sound bites.

So Don Rickles died... Anyway...

Since he is no longer using the anyway transition I figure I might as well use it.

Play misty for me parody with an absurd song

Supercilious or super silly us?

Its about the journey not the destination unless you are flying

"Make the moon great again"

Most and least down to earth person at the same time.

Superman is more powerful than a locomotive. Thats not that strong. 150 hp?

Peggy holds the not world record.

Does anyone know anyone who ever had to use the oxygen mask on an airplane?

Do you know how I did that?
Magic!
-Briggs

The more bad ideas you have the closer you are to a good one. - Hap

Sorry about this one
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet. A toilet doesn't belong in the kitchen.

Kermit The Frog went to Ohio State

Speak friend and enter stamp tramp

Buy a short bus and drive in bus lanes

Somehow fantasia 2000 looks more dated than the 1940 one

Snl skit first skit in the show, i put pubes in place of all the beards so in all future skits it adds layers to all future.

What is it about Mary's garden that makes her so contrary?

Unknown number optimistic

Honeymooners Batman crossover

What's the pc term for Gypsy

I am fun to be around and I have fun by myself

Car with a bed in the back built in

Luke is my hero because he knows how to have a good time with nothing.

Camel cigarettes branch out and start making sewing thread

If I could get kicked anywhere, the ass is one of the best choices.

My weakness is inertia and finishing strong. The middle 90% I be killin it

Galusha A. Grow

Did you know that duck season and rabbit season are the same seasons?

Astronaut William McCool's nickname was willy

Vigilante hoarder arsonist

"Washington is a place where you can have 4 seasons in 1 day"

Almond Brother album cover

Chain stores are like weeds blocking sunlight from unique flowers

How liberal biased is online media

Bill burrs favorite stadium in each sport.

Why does archie have the exclusive for grocery stores

Isn't regular heaven way better than sex with virgins

Comedians are tge worst interviewers because they are too self involved

Netflix is the new medici

Music is now the commercial for the concert.

History rarely begins with a victory

Why don't sports teams have company values. Be the team known for perseverance and integrity. For thinking of the next generation and protecting your brother. For jumping high and running fast. Anything! Specialize!

I feel bad for sweaters sice the Cosby incident

Nostra dom dellouise

What kind of kid trick bargaining by saing,  "Ill be your best friend

You know what I like about squares? They got 4 sides. You know what I like about triangles? They got 3 sides. You know what I don't like about circles? My mom was killed by a circle.

Repeat over and over with different punchline. Stretch and slightly alter the set up over time. Commentary between on audience reaction.

My grandmother was raped by a circle

A circle injected my dog with heroin

Ask the audience

A circle beat me up and took my lunch money.

They never take out the trash

I slipped and fell and broke my collarbone after a circle pulled a banana peel with a string right under my foot.

They're ugly and stupid and mean mean mean

A circle invented war

A circle killed Genghis kahn and blamed hitler

I sold my soul to a circle for this joke. I know what you're thinking. He said no refunds.

20 million dollars a day spent in Afghanistan

You know what I like about avocados?  They have 4 sides. You know what I like about Cantaloupes?  They're orange on the inside. You know what I don't like about circles?

Finish by blaming why I don't like circles because I'm bigoted and my upbringing. Apologize to all circles and circles in the audience I may have offended. I know that many of you have not raped my grandmother. Although it is difficult to tell you apart. Every circle I see is just a reminder of that circle that beat my dog up and injected my him with heroin.

You know what I like about squares? They got 4 sides. You know what I like about circles?  They ain't got 4 sides at all.

Ernest Hemingway as Ernest goes to camp

My first wish would be for the knowledge of how best to use my two remaining wishes

Hip hop figure skating?

People who use fractional increments to describe themselves are insecure. The smaller the increment the more insecure Height, age, weight. Also true with vagueness.

Along my treatise, include in the margins, tangential questions I have but am not following

What determines which thought is conscious?

How would different government structures solve the jokers dilemma? Theocracy, monarchy, democratic Republic,

@trump my cousin is an astronaut but doesn't drive a corvette, why not?

If I listen to a rap song with the n word, its the only word I sing

I feel unstable on every axis on a boat, then you're asking me to do things that would be difficult on dry land.  Try To thread this needle,  if you miss you might get hooked.  What do you think is the easiest animal to hold onto probably a fish right?

Play like Regan

My name is jim Morrison

Would you rather create a would you rather scenario or attempt to solve a would you rather scenario

A pea coat with buttons shaped like my nose.

Have you ever seen like when they put  carpet on a floor.

Bill, you said being with your child is calming, use it as meditation.

So much stolie you could float the Bismarck

Try to convince telemarketers to quit their jobs

Que sirachasiracha

Medicines now days have such crazy names because scientists how to manufacture words to make a product sound a certain way, (list of 3 medicines). You can tell an old medicine if it's named something like,(1,2, St. John's Wart). Worst medicine name ever

Rhold dahl makes charles dickens look like Jonathan Franzen

Making a reference to Dennis Miller is a Dennis Miller type reference

What's the difference between trumps Twitter and Roosevelt's fireside chats, between building a wall and the ccc, moving factories locally and the wpa ? Muslim immigration ban and Japanese internment.

What are all the steps that money flows from "the taxes I pay" to "payeing the wages of someone building a road

Tj miller could play willy wonka

Roald dahl makes charles dickens look like Jonathan Franzen

Welcome to 1a,the podcast at the top of the charts, alphabetically.

Every "thing" has a name. Namely, "thing". There is a set that contains all things, classified as the set of "things".

shark tank with tv show premises

Nobody on jeopardy has ever had the "it factor". Ken Jennings is a brick

Your girlfriend is so young when you talk all she hears is Charlie Brown's teacher.

After  25 years of life, going down stairs still isn't a reflex.

I'll hide the cash under these diamonds.

Chocolate MLK

I woke up this morning and I thought it was Milk day. So I was like, that's an easy day to celebrate. So I poured myself a glass of milk. Then I looked at my phone and saw it was MLK day, so I made it chocolate milk.

I'm so white im not even allowed to hear the n-word

Is flagellation masochistic

Bsidez Radio

Abusive dad uses tile to find belt.
Abusive dad yells at Google home instead of  wife.

imaine how many fish are anorexic

Ran a marathon but never did a pushup

guy with a crazy name is unable to pass concussion protocol. adopted guy can't pass concussion protocol recent immigrant from war torn country can't pass concussion protocol can't pass concussion protocol inauguration day

Crossing your fingers for the DSM 6

named my dog james after me

i'm going to name all my kids george foreman

So many sports are "keep away"

Great escape meets underground railroad

Do people wash under their fingernails every time they wash their hands?

I saw a sign on a door that said "Push Or Pull". Thanks for the heads up.

A tv channel that is all sad.
Interviews with kids with cancer

The next superfruit is called Orenthal

what ages would you want to be when attending the dupont 50 year annual meeting?
8, 58?
19, 69? Yes.