A service that calls customer service on your behalf. Avoid the hassle and anger. Your time is more valuable than the cost of or service. If company becomes big enough collusion can occur.

Why don't Asian have the most defined asses when they have do squats every time they go to the bathroom?

My new resume:
James "Frank" Fitzmaurice
Have gun
Will travel

You know it's not good when your daughter calls you out of the blue from vegas to tell you she's safe

I want my gravestone to have a heptadecagon and underneath to say, "I had a love affair with the world"

If Paul Simon brought Cecilia up to "his" bedroom where did the guy come from while he was in the bathroom?

Burl Ives taught us that there's more to Christmas decorations then just red and green

You gotta stretch, I do exercises every morning. I start with the tongue (poke tongue in alternating cheeks)

Go to a Todd glass party in the summer with a Christmas tree in a box set it up. Bring in wrapped presents. ask before arriving the names of all the people who will be there, under the guise of being nervous. Make quick sticker labels with peoples names on it.
Gifts can be cheap simple thing that are entertaining in a party atmosphere but not cumbersome to the rest of the party

Nothings cozier than A Christmas tree plus it presents the context of giving and receiving presents.

Keep a Christmas tree in the Todd glass studio filled with presents, maybe there's even one under the tree for you!

My grandfather was always old. I look back now at being a kid when I thought my parents were old but in "reality" my parents were young. Why as young as I am now and I still feel spry! When I was a kid I thought  my grandfather was old. Turns out I was right. He was old when I was born and he will remain old untill the day I die.

the 2nd oldest man on earth. Every time people ask him how he got to be so old he gives a ridiculous response that meanders to an unanswerable conclusion.

To what do you credit your incredible longevity?

"I always used dental floss."

"haha that's great. You kids at home pay close attention ya hear."

"so, seriously how did you get to be so old?"

"I always been a flosser, from day one. they used to laugh at me back when all I had to use was a piece of string I traded with the girl up the street, Claribel, for two blue eggs from our chicken Rosie who laid colored eggs, gods honest truth."

"So, you credit living so long to flossing? Were there any other secrets you might be able to share."

"I would floss every night before I went to bed and every morning when I woke up with that string and this was before floss was invented. people called me foolish. If i had patented the idea when i had it id be a millionaire!"

Is there anything anything more too it than dental floss? You see I'm terrified of dying and you seem to be the most experienced person at not dying so let me know your secrets. Don't keep them from me and all the other young people like a greedy old person. I know you know! Tell me! Tell me how to live longer!"

Jumps over table. Forces 2nd oldest man to plead uncle. (a simple task)

Oldest man pleads for clemency. Gives in on the condition that he will only tell the host and the host can't tell anyone else.
Host gives a big wink to the camera, says ok.

2nd Oldest man asks for a pen and paper. Thank you. Pulls out a decoder ring starts writing. Finishes note, passes the paper and the decoder ring across the table. Host starts to solve

"be sure to floss"
You no good scoundrel!
Hey, look over there.
What?
2nd Oldest man runs off

what if the oldest guy in the world knew the secret to longevity but wouldn't tell anyone. He thinks its funny but everyone else takes it serious.

Is there any non dental floss?

I genuinely asked my 100 year old great grandmother the question "how did you get to be so old?" and she genuinely gave me the answer "dental floss" and I never asked a follow-up question so now that is the answer

In a competition to laugh best
The oldest man in the world dies and the second oldest man in the would laughs last.
Ha ha! Everyone born before me is already dead. I outlasted em all. Ha ha. Hahaha. HAHAHA!!!!

What I want to fix within journalism: exe. interview subject: the oldest man in the world. reporter asked him "how do you get to be so old" he says, "i always use dental floss" and then the reporter moves on. I wanted to ask the question more and deeper every time

Tv show about people who live in a country with a crazy dictator and they have to adjust to his new ridiculous and absurd new laws.

No pants, only eat green food on Tuesdays, sing a certain song at a certain time.
Everyone must do a dance at a certain time

A curse where the first person to cry at a funeral is the next to die

"How will the words be effective to the reader? It's not the words themselves that will make a difference, but the act of contemplating a position from a different perspective." -Chang Huang

Dick Pound: Olympic Representative

Porn where the guy does stuff to annoy the girl like making funny faces, sounds, nonsensical actions

Cookie Monster

I came home from the grocery store and want to eat a cookie but there was a homeless guy on the corner and I didn't want to share or appear miserly